My Suze Orman-ish Guide to Helping Gayby with His or Her Money
Posted on March 19, 2012
Sensible lesbians excel at two things – coaching and financial planning. So, if you need a drill program for the soccer team or if you want to figure out how to buy a new home – find a nun. I mean, a sensible lesbian. You’ll be able to pick one out by her sensible footwear. You know, Doc Martens, Crocs, any kind of flat, sensible shoe. She may also be wearing a blazer.
Suze Orman is my obvious lesbian choice on the financial front. Everything she says is gospel to me, though I don’t understand most of it. In my lack lack of understanding, I am very similar to the religious zealot. Extremists grab hold of the bible – or koran or torah – and take the darn thing very literally. I am like this with Suze. If she says buy, I buy. If she says sell, I sell. If she says, “You can’t afford it!!” I go into the corner and find that albino monk from the Da Vinci Code. I watch him strip down and flagellate himself and for a moment I feel better. When I can’t find him, I watch Jersey Shore, because it’s almost the same thing – a self-flagellation of sorts.
In the current economy, nothing can be more stressful than money issues. I’ve also mentioned that the great Suze can be confusing. So, I’d like to simplify it all. Here are my secondhand nuggets of wisdom as regurgitated through my mind after hearing them from the great Suze. Perhaps, they are distilled versions of Suze’s rules, but they will help you nonetheless. My goal is to educate Gayby (my future child), but if I help you too – BONUS. Now, let us begin.
Don’t keep your money all balled up like a whorish-hoarder. Never carry your money around like this.
Crumpled up money signals to other people that you are a drug problem waiting to happen. I’m not saying you need to iron your duckets, but definitely keep them straightened out. Afterwards, order them and put them into a WALLET, not a ziploc or a brown sack or a sock.
Never say the phrase, “I’m making it rain!” while throwing currency around.
You are not a rapper or a hip hop icon or Tracy Morgan. You are also NOT a community organizer soon to be president, even if Wifesy and I choose the African-American sperm at the cryobank. You are my child. Therefore, you do not throw money around because it is wasteful. You also never wear MC Hammer pants, while supporting an entourage in the dozens. You do NOT do these things because you prefer to have your money work for you and not against you.
The Coinstar Machine is NOT a vacation fund.
If the only way your plan for your vacation is by throwing your old coins in a wine jug, well, then expect to go where a wine jug can afford you — most likely Newark Airport. You will not fly anywhere. You will only stand on the highway between the tarmac and the factories that make synthetic beef flavoring to put on McDonald’s french fries. You will not come back with a tan. The darkening of your skin will be do to freeway dust. Fill that empty penny-jug with moonshine, you’re gonna need it.
Do NOT Plan for Your Retirement with Suicide or a DNR bracelet.
You can NOT say to yourself, “Well, sure I won’t get social security and sure I didn’t save for retirement, so after I’m done working I’ll just throw myself in front of a train. That’s a plan.” People will not see you as an intelligent planner following your train-icide. They will only see the mess you’ve left on the tracks. Not to mention, I don’t want to have to start an entire site called, “It Gets Discounted” to encourage the elderly to live on, as a compliment to the “It Gets Better” campaign for gay teens. For the gay teens, “it gets better”, but for the over 65s, “It gets discounted!” – more early bird specials, discounted airfare, half off rental cars, and almost free movies! So, don’t jump in front of that train – when you tomorrow you could see Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill for fiver! And the DNR bracelet stands for “Do Not Resuscitate”. It does not stand for “If falls asleep, leave alone, until it walks briskly into the afterlife.” It does not mean that. People will not leave you alone, don’t even try it.
Babymaking is NOT a job
I don’t care what Mrs. Duggar says. I don’t care what the Octomom says. By the way, don’t even mention the Octomom in front of Suze because her blood pressure goes through the roof. We need Suze around to counsel the rest of us who still have one brain cell left. Just because your penis and vagina work doesn’t mean you need to use them day in and day out. If you do use them day in and day out, good for you, but use them responsibly. Having a gazillion kids will not guarantee you a reality show no matter what Jon Gosselin tries to say to you in a bar after last call. So, plan the baby, whenever possible. And for god’s sake, don’t treat your lady garden like an easy bake oven working overtime for minimum wage at a company that outsources its labor to China. Might be good for the ipad, not so good for the ivag. Capeesh?
A tent is not a house.
Sometimes you have to live in a tent, I get it. The market crashes, you go to Woodstock or some kind of other outdoorsy type festival and never leave, you marry a hippie, you marry an Indian, OR you stumble into a tent revival and end up pregnant. The preacher was a snake charmer, but you didn’t even see it coming when he put his snake right in your basket. It happens. Now you’re stuck. You’ve got a little baby and a small piece of fabric over your head. In times it will do, but this is not something to strive for, especially if you’ve got childrens. I mean, how will you survive? How will they? How will important things happen like your childrens putting on their annual talent show? How will you blog when there is no internet connection? And if you say from your mobile phone, I’m going to throttle you. Anyone who lives in a tent and spends good cashola on a cell phone is an idiot. It’s the equivalent of standing in a boat with a hole in it and using your last dollars to buy a bicycle. Truly, tents should be temporary. If you’re in one, okay, but have a plan. It’s the tent today, but the shelter tomorrow. Or it’s the tent today and the white house tomorrow. I don’t care, but have a plan because if it’s a tent for life you’re asking for a lot of mold. And mold kills.
Let me make it even simpler, Suze’s bottom-line basics are set up a 401k, get a Roth IRA going, have a six month emergency fund, and don’t live above your means. As soon as I get even one of these things happening, I’ll let you know, Gayby. So, maybe – in this case only – do as your mother says and not as your mother does. If you follow Suze’s simple rules I can guarantee you won’t be a druggie-looking, prostitute, babymaker, living in a tent until you retire, who makes it rain, while wearing DNR jewelry, and looking out at the world with a face that says, “I should’ve listened to my Sweet Mother.”
Instead, you’ll be sitting on your yacht giving financial advice to Lady Gaga – the richest person in the world – while your Mother smiles at you from up above.
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