Gay men get to have all the fun.  I mean, where is my fag hag?  Sure, there was a time when my sexuality was straddling both sides of the fence and maybe I was even considered one – but truly – now that I’m in a stable lesbiana relationship, I want my stable (or unstable even) MALE, fag hag!  Where is he?

 

Fag hags as Wikipedia states are often stereotyped as, “outgoing women who are seeking a substitute for heterosexual relationships, or who are secretly (or openly) attracted to gay men.”  Wikipedia goes on to say a bunch of other interesting things like and I’m sort of paraphrasing, “There are also straight women who have an open sexual interest in gay or bisexual men, these women are called, GIRLFAGS.”  Whaaaaattt?  Girlfags??!!  I have another name for them – SELF-MASOCHISTS.  I mean, who in the hell would want to run a race when you’re never given a shot at the prize?  Like that lady from the band, Garbage says, “Stupid girls.”

 

But, where – oh where – is the totally straight, totally smart, slightly dumpy male counterpart for the lesbiana woman?  Where is he?  Wikipedia thinks he exists.  Wikipedia calls him the “lesbro” or the “dutch boy”.  Dutch boy, really?  Like on the paint can?  Or like a dude from the Netherlands?  What the hell are they talking about?  Lesbro, I can see, sure.  The lesbro is like the little boy who plays with the tomboy girl as a kid, but all grown up.  It indicates a relationship with lots of back slapping and arm punching.  To me, it indicates a dude who is friends with a butch-lady.  I’m just saying.  So, why do the gay men and the butchies get to have all the fun?  Seriously, I’m envious, where is my fag hag?

 

Gay dudes have more fun.  I’m telling you, they do.  Well, they do, stop arguing…and here’s how:

 

Bars for Gay Men are BETTER – sorry, my lez-sistahs, but they ARE.  They’re just better and gay men are so into cruising and spending their dual-income-no-kids money that the bars for gay men are trendy, expensive, outrageous, and FUN.  Ever been to a lesbian bar?  Every once in a while you get a cool one, but mostly, they are like the snooze-fest, library-experience of the nightlife scene.  Picture a quiet reading, book club event, compared to the boot-stomping, good fun of go-go boys and men grooming one another like dogs in heat.  It creates a different energy, me thinks.  Now, I’ve been to some killer lesbian parties, don’t get me wrong, but they usually happen about once a month on an alternate friday and you have to know the promoter – the promoter who singlehandedly knows EVERY lesbian in the Los Angeles area, more or less.

 

Gay Dudes Have More Fun with Fashion – this is changing, thank god.  Shows like the L Word and a hot looking lesbian on a TV show here and there – that exposure is changing our stereotype.  You know the fanny pack, golf shirt, khakis look – it’s changing, thank god.  The gay men have understood the whole , “if you’re gonna be queer, why not where whatever the feck you want” thought process for longer than the lesbians.  But, there has been progress on the lesbian side.  They’ve even come out with these hot clothing lines for the butch – set.  I have a very good, quasi-famous, lady-gentleman friend (butch) and she dresses like this – sort of like a James Dean, but with lady parts.  It’s awesome.

 

More Fun with Money – I just said it above.  There’s actually a term for it – dual-income-no-kids or DINKS.  Gay men have so much money that Madison Avenue has actually coined a phrase to use when going after their coveted dollars, “Go after the DINKS,” cause the dinks have got cash to burn.  No one wants the advertising dollars of what I call myself and Wifesy – THE OINKS.  You know, one-income-no-kids.  No one wants to cater to the OINKS.  There is no OINK-targeted cool vodka.  Oh, how I wish there was.

 

Regardless, with change and time and added liberties comes a much needed equality.  The lesbianas are dressing better.  Like all women out there, we’re fighting for more dollars.  And we’ve decided if they can’t sustain more than one night at a goddermed lesbian bar than feck it, we’re going to the cool-looking venue for the gay boys.  So, it’s time…

 

Where’s my fag hag?

 

Wait, hold up, I have one more thing.  The term fag hag just does not work for the lesbian community, in my humble opinion.  Lesbros is cool, but it’s still not quite right and Dutch Boys?  Again, I don’t even understand what that means.  Why doesn’t it work?  Well, the term fag HAG – too negative.  She hangs around fags and she’s a hag.  Sorry, but part of that term is saying – she’s an ugly witch and no straight dude would ever want her.  Nope, I don’t think that’s totally true.  It’s a snap judgement and therefore, probably more indicative of the bitchy queen that made it up more than anything else.  I’m the owner of my own life-time-vag, so I think it’s only fair that I get to make up the term.  Plus, a person who hangs out with another person AND either a) doesn’t want to make sexies with them or b) has too many insecurities to find a similar person of the opposite sex – well, they have enough problems without also calling them ugly to boot.

 

So, I’ve come up with a new term.  I would like to now present, a new name for the Male “fag hag” – a male who prefers the company of lesbians, introducing…

 

The Lez Luther

 

He’s stylish, but usually has a stain on his shirt.  He’s fit, but in a chubby way.  He’s smart, but just emotionally damaged enough that he hasn’t found the right straight lady yet, he loves women (there are no buts with that one), and he’s a progressive.

 

He is…

A LEZ LUTHER.

 

He might look like…

 

Paul Dano: definitely a Lez Luther candidate.

John Goodman: such a Lez Luther, come on!

Luther Vandross: It takes a lot of something to go from this fat to this skinny and still remain cute. And, hello, his name is already Luther! He's got the goods.

 

He’s weird, he’s got issues, but yet there is something attractive about him.  He likes woman and he knows that if he hangs out with the lesbians long enough, he’ll find what I call a, “straight stray” – a woman who just wasn’t sure about her sexuality.  But, now she’s hooking up with her lesbian friend’s Lez Luther, and now she’s pretty sure…(thanks to Lez Luther’s faithful tutelage) that she’s a straight.

 

Now, there are lesbians who will fear a Chasing Amy or a – god forbid – Anne Heche scenario – the supposed-to-be-a lesbian who goes off with her Lez Luther and becomes a straight – a just like everybody else.

 

I think we have Ani DiFranco to thank for this.  I love Ani, but she has fecked up the collective psychology of lesbians by creating an album called something like, “Rude Dyke” and then marrying two DUDES.  Okay, maybe that wasn’t the name of the album, but the vibe was like that – in a good way – early on in her career it was dyke, dyke, dyke, and then she married two dudes!  (Not at once, but still.)  Some of us can handle that (I pretty much can), some of us can not (it annoys the hell out of Wifesy).

 

"Okay, maybe this was false advertising. I like both the ladies and the dudes."

 

I say, don’t fear ladies.  People are going to do what they’re going to do.  There is no stopping them.  There will always be full-on gays, there will always be full-on straights, and there will always be the switch-hitters.  You’re biggest issue – just make sure the person you choose has enough sense to know who they are or at the very least very seriously pursue such a quest.  If you’re with someone like that, they won’t be all over the map.  They’ll be solid and true.

 

Anyway, in my mind…my mind is the beast that likes to think of a gaytopia living inside a straight world, mano y mano, with lots of open progressives who get it.  My beast of a mind likes to think it’s less about “do you like the chorizo or the panini” and more about do you love that particular person.  In that world, there are fag hags and there are lez luthers.  We all enjoy each other’s company with a twinkle in our eye and a chuckle on our lips because humans are nutty.  In that world, everyone is happy.

 

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Sweet Mother is updated daily.  If you’d like to follow this blog, you can do so by clicking the “follow” button at the top of the page.

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Photo creds:  Paul Dano, John Goodman, Luther Vandross, Difranco, fh-feature

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