Here comes another rant from me, THE CHILDLESS MOMMY BLOGGER, as I’ve taken to calling myself.  You know, I think (much like Oprah – another childless mommy advisor) that the hardest thing you can do is raise a kid.  And even harder is raising a kid right and saving the world from the addition of one more a**hole.  This is of such monumental importance in my opinion, that it does, indeed, take a village.  So, I’m here to help.  As I was working up some research this morning, I came across some parenting ideas / actions/ products that I feel could lead your child astray.  I am here to try and stop you…or rather stop the ridiculous human being who would subject their child to any of the below.

 

First things first.

 

Teaching your child to become Wendy Williams
Parenting is such a hard job that not only are you in charge of manufacturing a decent human, but you could also help shape the potential profession of your child.  For example, Madeline Albright’s father was an international press attache.  Make no mistake about it, the Madame Secretary’s international travels as a youth undoubtedly trained her to become an ambassador to the UN and later Secretary of State.  But, perhaps, you’d like to shoot lower for your child.  Perhaps, you’d prefer your child to become a low-brow talk show host with a weave.  Maybe you want your baby to become a judgmental neck zig-zagging, “oh, no, you didn’t!” screaming, pop culture quipping kind of citizen.  Maybe you want her to become Wendy Williams.  While I am not a Wendy Williams fan, I am not the boss of you.  So, if this is where you want your child to go, I say start her off early.  Get that training going.  Definitely, use these while she’s in her infancy…

 

"How you doin'?"

 

Because your baby should learn from day 1 that she needs to look good.  If your baby is bald, that’s no good to show the world.  Instead, show the world a strange, full-head-of-hair, alien baby.  I mean your baby’s got so much hair, she’s needs to wear an Olivia Newton John headband to contain it all.  Now that’s a baby who’s one step ahead of the curve.

 

Ensuring your adult-man-child will make love to an artificial vajayjay
Now, I don’t mean to be crass, but I didn’t make this next one up.  I’m simply the messenger.  There’s an item on the adult market called a “fleshlight”.  The fleshlight is in the shape of a flashlight, only the front of the fleshlight contains a plastic vajayjay as opposed to any kind of light bulb.  What are people (men) supposed to do with the vajayjay part of the fleshlight?  Well, I hate to be Captain Obvious, but they’re supposed to feck it, of course.  I am all for adults doing whatever the hell they want in the bedroom.  I try not to judge (unless it’s funny).  So, if you want to make sexy time with a flashlight, that’s your business.  However, now we have programming on television that consists of a man who is “addicted” to his car.  He thinks he’s in a relationship with it.  His love is so strong that he gets down on the floor, legs under the grill, arms draped around the hood, while he makes-out with the bumper.  I’m not making this up.  What I am saying is maybe the fleshlight is a gateway drug to finger-banging your car.  Maybe this love of inanimate objects starts even earlier than the fleshlight.  Maybe it goes all the way back to here…

 

"As an adult the only hands that will pass over my tender bits will belong to a muppet..."

 

Teaching your kid to become a top of the line, grad A, a-hole
I got this image from dadcentric.com (all photo credits below).  I really don’t have much more to say about it than the presenting the image.  As they say, sometimes a picture is worth 1,000 expletives.

 

Monkey see, monkey do.

 

Teaching your kid to become a Top Chef
I DO think that you can steer your kids towards the right profession.  You give them doses of this and that, here and there.  You PAY ATTENTION to where their interests lie.    When you see them light up about something, you stoke that fire.  Maybe they like to paint.  So, you get them a paint set and you let them paint for hours at a time.  They like to run around the house kicking.  So, you sign them up for Tae Kwon Do or A Chorus Line practice.  Maybe they like to cook.  So, you get inventive on Halloween…

 

"Get me out of this pot and I'll make a flambe that will turn your world inside out!"

 

Maybe you don’t want your kid to grow up at all
Some parents have a healthy sense that even as an adult we should be feeding our inner children.  We should be allowed and encouraged to let our child-like creative sides run wild.  The parents who encourage these leanings in a healthy way will be rewarded.  If you let your kid turn the treehouse into a launch pad, you may be grooming a future astronaut.  If you help your child write about the imaginary friends that she sees, you may be nurturing a future Suzanne Collins and another Hunger Games trilogy.  However, there are some parents who take away parts of a child, Boxing Helena-style.  These adults slowly chip away at a child’s independence and self confidence, until the child is 42 and still living at home.  The adult-man-child haunts the basement where he does nothing, but post sh*tty comments on Youtube contributing nothing to the world.  Maybe there was a point where this could’ve been stopped.  Maybe when your boy was a young man and he wanted to go out on that date and he asked you to help him buy some Drakkar Noir…maybe it was a mistake for you to give him this, instead…

 

It IS your fault that your adult-son still lives in the basement. Some things I just can't help you with.

 

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Photo creds:  baby bangs, play-doh cologne, alcohol and cigs, lobster baby, muppet hands

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