I’ve been thinking a lot this morning about what I’m trying to say.  I’ve been thinking about the point I’m trying to make here on this blog and in the book that I’m writing.  I’m trying to get clear and THAT is not always easy.  It reminds me of a question that I’ve always hated.  It’s the “what is your voice?” question.  I think every artist, writer, or comedian faces that question at one point or another.  I think some of us face it over and over.  The voice question has led me to thinking about catchphrases.  To me, the catchphrase is the most hysterical, trite, cheesy, yet (sadly) powerful transformation of one’s voice into a McDonald’s french fry to be consumed by the masses.  When I think about catchphrases, I’m reminded of 90’s health guru, Susan Powter and her infamous, “Stop the insanity” line.  I think of George Lopez’s “Si Se Puede” catch-all, which probably made him one of the highest selling comedic performers in the history of California.  There are so many memorable catchphrases for products and gurus and comedians, but the one that sums them all up – Tina Fey making a mockery of it all on 30 Rock by creating Jenna’s catchphrase, “That’s a deal-breaker, ladies!”

 

So, what the hell am I trying to say – overall – when I write?  I think at different times, it’s different things.  But, here are my thoughts on it this morning.

 

On Creativity:
On this blog I talk about the difficulty in living a creative life.  It’s very difficult, especially if you’re looking to get paid for it.  I am definitely looking to get paid for it.  I’ve always had my sights on that prize.  So, my feelings towards this experience can be best described as more of an image.  I often feel like I’m standing on a stage as part of that TV program called The Voice.  If you don’t know the program, it works like this:  talent executives and Hollywood stars sit in swivel chairs with their backs to the stage.  Unknown, wannabe singers take the stage and sing one by one.  If the “judge” likes their voice, they turn around.  If they don’t, they don’t.

 

In regards to my writing career, I’m standing on that stage.  The world is in the swivel chair with its back to me.  In this situation, my mind says one thing.  It is my catchphrase on living a creative life:

“How Long Until this A**hole Turns Around?”

 

 

On Sexuality and the Gay Movement:
When it comes to bigots who are vehemently anti-gay, I like to instill the Crying Game defense.  If you remember the Crying Game, the copper does not know – initially – that the woman of his desire is not what she seems.  Granted, when he finds out he throws up, but that is another matter entirely.  What I’d like to do is implement what I call the Lady-Boy Challenge.  (Kind of like the Pepsi Challenge, but with more Trannies…)  You take the pastor who suggests punching your kids if they seem gay and you get him liquored up.  You put the pastor in a room full of scantily clad women.  All of the woman are naked from the waist up.  It’s like Hooters, but without all that wing sauce.  From the waist down, the women are covered in white sheets.  The homophobic pastor gets to kiss and fondle whichever woman he likes.  When he is done, the sheets are whipped away from the nether regions of the Lady-Boys revealing nothing, but balls.  The commemorative t-shirt for the Lady-Boy Challenge contains the following slogan:

 

“My Sexuality Was Tested and All I Got Was Testes.”

 

I think it’s apropos and besides, it’s hard to hate once you “fail” yourself.

 

Serving the world’s pastors since the beginning of time…

 

On Gaybies and Alternative Families:
Sometimes I like to fight the ridiculous with the ridiculous.  It is simply just ridiculous, at this point, that anyone wants to stop two, capable, responsible, gay people from starting a family.  It seems the argument is almost always about the gaybies either “turning” gay or becoming fecked up somehow due to their parents gayness.  The implication is that a straightby is going to be just completely peachy, regardless, simply because their parents are straight.  Come on.  First of all, I find the whole, “my baby is better than your baby” argument to be a touch juvenile.  To me, it all sounds like:  “We’re hetero, so my baby is going to be better than your baby.”  Really, Junior, is that all you got?  What a tired argument.  Here are my retorts to your overachieving baby boast-ifications:

 

Bigoted Straightby parent:
My Child is on the Honor Roll.

 

Sweet Mother’s Response:
My Gayby Can See Through Glass.

 

Bigoted Straightby parent:
My Child is an All-Star Lacrosse Player.

 

Sweet Mother’s Response:
My Gayby Was Taught Basket Weaving by the Navajo.

 

Bigoted Straightby parent:
My Child Practices Abstinence Until Marriage and Wears a Promise Ring.

 

Sweet Mother’s Response:
My Gayby is a Neurosurgeon.  Maybe you should’ve concentrated less on the fecking and more on the reading.

 

Alright, that’s a long one, but I think it makes my point.

 

Okay, so after all of this, I still don’t know if I’ve “found” my voice.  I’m still not 100% sure  where my book is going, but I did write today.  That is something.  Now, “If I Could Just Get This A**hole to Turn Around…”

 

What about you all?  How do you answer questions surrounding your writer’s “voice”?

 

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Photo creds:  bumpersticker, thevoice, crying game

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