According to one Navy Chaplain, it’s ADVERTISING that makes people gay. To paraphrase Mr. Direct-Conduit-to-God, “Everyone is born straight…Marketing makes them gay.” What in the feck. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Is this guy right? Probably not. But, watch out, it’s going to be fun to tease the sh*t out of him…
I decided to look around on the internet to see if any particular ads made me feel “more gay.” And if this post turns any of my readers gay by viewing these advertisements, I’m very sorry. It seems the gay has just become too strong. Christ, it’s more addictive than nicotine being flung at children by Joe the Camel or so says Navy-Chaplain-guy. Never mind that my straight friend said to me, “I tried being gay. I tried. Both sober and drunk, but it just wouldn’t take, even though I wanted it to.” Yep, that’s what a straight woman said to me. I suppose she’s just not influenced enough by advertising or she just wasn’t trying hard enough or she’s just feckin’ straight. It’s one of those. But, never fear, if this post does make you gay – I’ll reserve you some tickets next to us at the next Lady Gaga concert and we’ll make some room for you, over here, at the “lodge.” After you sign your “enlisted” form, that is. Since us gays are out there “recruiting,” I decided to make it official. Anyone who “turns” gay will be enlisted into a life of fabulousness from here to eternity. You’ll be given nothing, but strong cocktails, the finest clothes, visual images created by Tom Ford, and poetry by Maya Angelou. It’s the price you will pay.
Here’s a little something to get you started…
Thank you, Tom, for this incredibly gay warm-up image.
Only the gays could ever create this layered-liquored-magic.
Are you feeling gay just yet? No? Well, let me up the gay levels over here at gay headquarters to see if we can’t get you with the next few.
How about this…
Perez says it’s true in this pic of his, so it must be. If you’ve ever bought anything based on Oprah’s advice or simply watched Oprah, well, then GAY, GAY, GAY.
Not doing it for you? Let’s try this…
Anyone want to arrest this footballer’s crotch? Who’s in?
Still not feeling gay enough? Okay, time for boy bands. They’re like the gay-gateway-drug. You know like when marijuana makes you do meth? You mean you didn’t go straight from marijuana to meth? Well, you were supposed to!
I found this band and their vests alone made me look at another woman’s bum, if only to erase this image…
Gayest boy band ever!
Okay, we’re still not deep enough into gay-land. Gay, gay, what says gay? Let me think. Overalls. On anyone. That will do it.
I mean, how gay looking is this guy…
When shucking corn is truly a double entendre…
Now, if that doesn’t make a man want another man then this definitely will. Or, at the very least, it will make straight women stop wanting men…Either way a gay advertising success:
There’s nothing gayer than a redneck sometimes. I mean, come on, this is like assless chaps for the Romney set.
Maybe the gay that’s inside of you is a little more of an intellectual gay. So, for the potential gay intelligentsia out there, I give you this:
Let’s face it, this is very gay.
So, maybe wacka-doo Navy Chaplain who claims he’s performed gay “exorcisms” has a point, as I’m feeling a touch gay-er after seeing all those images. But, you know, it’s just not quite sealed yet. I feel like there’s still some straight left in there on my Kinsey scale. Let’s see if we can’t use a childhood image marketed to little boys again and again and again to try and erase it completely. This not-so-little something clearly causes a maelstrom of gay. I guess we’ll have to do away with it.
Because this:
“Hey, guy, you’re making me feel a little warm.”
Definitely leads to this…
One man’s “costume fail” is another man’s vision fully realized.
Happy Sunday, everyone. And bottom-line, the gays love you.
Much love, Sweet Mother
***
Sweet Mother is updated daily. You can follow this blog by hitting the follow button at the top of the page.
**
You might also like:
*
photo creds: tomfordpic, gaycocktail, perez’soprahandgayle, beckham, boyband, overalls1,
Tagged: beckham, Christ, comedy, culture, current events, entertainment, funny, gay, God, humor, humour, Jesus, Lady Gaga, lesbian, lgbt, Maya Angelou, Navy-Chaplain, opinion, Oprah, people, Relationships, stories, Tom Ford
Come on. Don’t you know the gay can simply be cured with antibiotics?
Nope, no effect, dammit!
And I always thought 4 poofs and a piano were supposed to be the gayest group around… guess you learn something every day.
If I was a gay man, several of the images would have “straightened” me out. If I was a straight man, one of the images would have made me gay. I’m not telling which image.
By the way, I like the fact that your friend tried so hard, sober and drunk. That takes balls ! (Or maybe not….)
I don’t feel gay yet, but I could use one of those lovely rainbow drinks…I think it would help me develop the idea I suddenly have for a line of redneck, maternity overalls.
curing gays …?
why cant people just go fix poverty, hunger, war in countries, crimes like child abuse and global warming?
breathe Little breathe…
Sweet Mom it is sad the way world thinks …
Well, the advertising I’ve been exposed to must not be strong enough because I am only bi. I want that drink as well. You can keep the overalls though.
The maternity overalls did solitify my love for my wife! I am sure that I wasn’t born this way and choose this life just to make things interesting and difficult, since it’s always such an easy road to travel. I hope Mr. Know-it-all Navy Dude comes out soon. Geesh.
OMG I’m gay and I never knew it… I wonder if we could market gayness as an anti-chest-hair remedy. It’s obviously a side affect, and could prove very popular. Do I get a free t-shirt for signing up to gayness? Is there a clubhouse, and a yearly cruise? Whoot!
Honestly, some people just need a slap to get them back to reality. Gay exorcisms? I’d say there’s a far better need for laws against overalls.
Like gay was an issue that needs a cure… What’s wrong with these people? Maybe we should redefine gay as all people who practice kindness, tolerance and understanding.
Love you and your awesome posts, Sweet Mother xoxo
I don’t think I became gay from this, but I do think I might be one of those blue-faced star trek horned people. How do I know? Is there such a thing as blue-faced star trek horned people-dar that I can run over my body and wait for it to emit some kind of beep indicating blue hornedness?
I think the best you could do with this advertising is Bi. There simply wasn’t enough gayness with this, though you had me wavering with the Redneck pregnancy overalls.
I do want the drink though, that I could lap right up!
And gee, I thought it was the chemicals they are putting in our food…. Really some people need to look in their own back yards first. They are discussing same sex marriage at school with my 11 year old as part of sex ed.Maybe this might get rid of some of this stupid attitute in the world!
The guy with the overall belly chap thing just about did it for me. I almost went to the gay side, but hubby brought me back before that happened, so no gay exorcism for me. Shameless of you to show us these impressionable pics, shameless. This so funny, SM.
.
I’m such a failure
I looked at each and every pic so carefully but the only ones that gave me a flutter were the wrong ones. Why oh why is nothing working? Is there something wrong with me? I wonder if the Navy guy can reverse the polarity of his exorcism? Worth a try….
…trying….to….resist…. Yeah, actually it wasn’t that hard to resist.
Oh my! It is like the church was wrong or something! Who’da thunk it?
Fat bloke in overalls just about turned me against humans altogether though, ick… Thank goodness you put a picture of Becks there and bought me back from the edge…mmmm…becks…..
Tinky Winky from the Teletubbies made me gay. J’accuse! Well, I kind of like being gay, so maybe not J’accuse. More like… Encore!
You’ve converted me! Now, where are my Lady Gaga tickets? Because if I don’t get them soon, I might just change my mind.
As always, your post made me laugh so hard I had to squeeze my kegels to keep from peeing my pants!
I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to buzz my hair real short, wear some plaid flannel, and score me some baby dykes.
*looks down at my crotch* nope….no reaction. Sorry dear chaplain. I often use that part of my anatomy as a barometer for gauging…well…lots of things.
Ha! GREAT post! “…It just wouldn’t take” – that killed me! Okay. I’m gonna go back and look at those stomach-less overalls again…
I thought I had gotten all of those pictures of me removed from the internet. Last time I get a lawyer from a pop up ad.
Is it safe to say Tom Cruise is a ‘Gert Johnny’?
Sweet jesus that is the stupidest thing I ever heard, then again it does fall in line with; Videogames make you a violent killer! Reading books turns you into a nerd(correction, sexless nerd) and all this hooha about the internet turning us into introverted, sociopath sexual deviants. Thank you for posting this, it truly made me laugh out loud.
Like several others, I think that drink just looks yummy–that might be leftover from my junior high rainbow mania, though. And Becks could make any straight boy gay.
I’d like to say Mr. Navy Chaplain is a fringe lunatic, but sadly, there’s a lot of people who think gay is a choice. Like I’m gonna wake up one morning and say, “Gee, I’d really like to be part of a minority who gets legally discriminated against and occasionally fear for my life just because of who I love.”
I like to say I’m 99% straight, cause there’s always that one chick that makes me look twice.
According to Le Clown, cigarettes make you a lesbian. So there’s that.
As one of your devoted but straight readers, this made me laugh. I needed a laugh this morning.
Oh, if it didn’t turn me, will you still get your toaster? How many turns will it take for you to win the food processor? Obviously, your marketing needs more researching.
The (so gay) husband of my Congressional Rep. has a business in which he “counsels” the gay out of people. I apologize to every gay person for the stupidity of this man. He’d give the guy in the bibs a run for his money…
Looking at pictures of male attendees at a Republican convention makes me *wish* I was gay.
Hey, I think it was the Superman costume that did it for me….NOT!! That was actually repulsive. I don’t think there is much hope to the bib overalls guy though. Holy Hicksville Batman.
forget about gay, those cut-out overalls (and what was underneath them) made me throw up in my mouth.
That was freaking hilarious! The Navy guy would love the gay Gap bus adverstisement I’ve seen rolling around San Francisco: two men wearing 1 t-shirt (as in both their heads come out of the same head opening) with the slogan “become one”. I’ve seen the same one in LA but unfortuanately, it’s a man and a woman. Leave it to SF to have the gay-er bus ads!