I was out the other night at a fun show where I performed.  Wifesy was there with me because she actually enjoys comedy, which is a rarity among the significant others of comedians.  She’s awesome like that.  I performed and we went out with a group after.  A straight dude, there with his girlfriend, said to me, “You two look like sisters.”  Then he said, “Oh, my god, it’s like those sisters are kissing.  It’s so hot.”

 

Okay.  First off, Wifesy and I TRULY do NOT look like sisters.  We both have dark hair.  But, that’s about it.  I outweigh her by 50 lbs.  She’s got an adorably romanesque nose and I have a small bunny-like snout.  The differences go on.

 

This is not Penelope Cruz making out with her sister, as originally reported. This is Penelope makingout with a look-alike.

 

In fact, when we met, Wifesy had a breakdown-ish type moment because we were SOOO different.  Our life-resumes could not have been more contradictory.  She was a vegetarian, vagitarian, buddhist, conspiracy theorist with a belief in fairies.  I was a bisexual, carnivore, non-practicing Catholic, skeptic with a belief in the logical and the hilarious.  This threw Wifesy for a loop.  I quickly explained to her that our resumes need not be matching.  The only thing that matters is do we match INTERNALLY.  And there we totally do.  We’re both extremely loyal, fighters (in a good way), alpha personalities, funny, good-hearted, sweet, and kind with an edge.  We’ve both got major edge.  The matchy-matchy inside is a facet of what makes our match a good one.

 

Now, for the sisters thing.  It’s very strange to me that this happens to gay women.  If people see two women being intimate – the first place they go is – sisters.  Many times this has happened to us.  I distinctly remember walking down a street in San Francisco (San Francisco, for god’s sake) near the wharf with our arms around each other’s backs and a vendor looking at us with a huge smile on his face.  As we passed by he said, “Sisters,” with a big sigh as if he were remembering big-titted versions of himself walking arm in arm back in his homeland.

 

Okay, these lesbos may look similar, but that’s because they’re part of a “Just Beiber Look-Alike Contest.” Seriously.

 

It’s an odd occurrence.  Wifesy has said it has happened to her with every girlfriend she’s had, minus Lakita, and – obviously – that’s because Lakita was black.  It’s happened to me with another girlfriend, as well.

 

I can only surmise that this NEVER happens to gay men.  There’s no way that gay men are walking arm in arm and people go, “Ah, brothers!”  It just doesn’t happen.  Though it might happen in the Arab world where straight men walk around holding hands, which is a good thing because if they thought you were a homo in Arab-landia they just might bulldoze a house over you.

 

And then there’s the, “Ugh, Sisters together…sooo HOOOOOTTTT.  My man-parts are melting,” thing.  This I don’t understand at all.  When and why does one EVER want to see family members make-out?  I don’t get this at all.  If I saw two sisters make-out all I would think is GROOOOOSSS.  I attribute this to the “Howard Stern” factor.  I believe he’s had some “hot” twins making out with each other on his show.  So, it’s Stern’s fault because seriously – ewww.  But, I guess it could’ve been worse.  He could’ve said, “Hey, everybody let’s watch this two, hot, great aunts make-out.”  That might’ve been worse.

 

I DO think that most couples need to stop themselves from what I call, “twinning off.”  You’ve seen this phenomenon – a couple’s been together for a while and they start to look like one another.  They start to dress the same, think the same, talk the same, etc.  In my opinion, this happens with both straight and gay couples.  But, true enough, with women together – it can happen even faster.  After all, Wifesy and I do have some similar shoes and tops because, well, we like some of the same things.  I mean, that’s why we’re together.

 

As far as the, “Yum, sisters.  Hot.  Yeah, yum,” factor, I can only guess this has something to do with what goes on in men’s heads, sex-wise, vs. what goes on in women’s heads, sexually-speaking.  For example, a sweet girl came up to Wifesy and I after a show and said, “You guys are so hot.  You’re such a good looking couple,” but it was the tone of it that made it different from a dude.  She meant it as a compliment and it had a note of admiration to it.  Compare that with the guy that came up to Wifesy and I in the subway in New York.  I suppose Wifesy and I were – maybe – touching.  Maybe holding hands, maybe a peck on the cheek here and there.  We’re full grown adults so we don’t engage in tons of sloppy pda, but I would say we were affectionate enough to indicate a certain kind of intimacy.  I noticed a dude out of my periphery, as every woman does, you learn to note them the way a deer notes a wolf standing watchfully at the edge of the forest.  With time and experience you get better at recognizing whether it’s a wolf or a lamb, but experienced or not, women always notice them lurking.  There are a lot of feckin’ lurkers out there.  So, I note the wolf in my side gaze.  I note and ignore.  Slowly, the wolf-man comes over quivering.  He sputters out something like, “You’re both so pretty…” or something like that and then shakily walks away.  What amazes me most is that this man NEVER would’ve come up to me if I were alone.  I’m almost certain of that.  But, there’s something about the two of us together where he just can’t help himself.

 

These two are not lesbos nor sisters. I believe one of them just scored a touchdown in the ribbon-twirling event.

 

Understand, this is not an “I’m so pretty” post because I almost never think of myself that way.  Cute, okay, maybe, but that’s usually about as far as I go about myself.  What fascinates me is the male, quivering, FASCINATION with lesbianism.  And then they want to turn lesbians into some weird sister-fetish.  I mean, wtf is that?  From time to time, I think gay, male, porn is pretty awesome.  I mean it’s two pretty men together.  And pretty is pretty, but if someone said, “Oh and they’re brothers…” I think I’d throw up in my mouth a little bit.

 

So, I’ve got no answers today, but I AM – as always – very curious to hear your thoughts on the subject.  Why do straight dudes fetishize gay women?  And then – worse yet – want to put them in some kind of ‘sisters’ category.  Let me know what you think.  I’m endlessly intrigued by it.

 

Much love,

 

Mother

 

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Photo creds:  gymnasts, penelope, biebers, ellen-feature

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