It is time, here, on Sweet Mother, to introduce our first celebrity interview.  I’d like to start this series with a guest that brings up a nostalgic atmosphere for me – Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie.  The gayest of the Teletubbies…or rather the only gay Teletubbie.  (That we know of.)  I sat down with Mr. Tinky and tickled his purple orb with triangular antennae by peppering him with thought provoking questions.  The result was a wonderful discussion about life, love, and loss.

Sweet Mother’s very honored to introduce our first celebrity guest…

Me:          Hello, Mr. Winky.  May I call you, Tinky?  Thank you for sitting down with me today.

Tinky:      Yes, of course.  It is my pleasure.

Me:          Let me start with some basics.  Where do you live?

Tinky:      When I’m not filming, in a lovely little cottage just north of Winkleshire.

Me:          You are Mr. Winky of Winkleshire then?

Tinky:      Indeed.

Me:           What do you eat?

Tinky:      Mainly, custard and a bit of arse.

Me:          Arse?  Why do you say it like that?  Do you have pirate blood?

Tinky:      No, I say it like that because I am British.  We taught the bloody pirates how to say it that way.

Me:          Very sorry.  So, the arse…the gay rumors are true then?

Tinky:      Yes, of course.  I am a proud gay man.  If my purse didn’t tip you off then you are truly in denial.

Me:          It’s a wonderful purse.  Have you chosen to come out now that your show is off the air?

Tinky:      No.  The people closest to me always knew – Noo-Noo, Po, Laa-Laa, they knew.

Me:          Are you dating anyone currently?

Tinky:      Yes…

Me:          Will you tell us who it is?

Tinky:      John Travolta.

Me:          Really?!

Tinky:      Yes.  I met him at craft services.  He was shooting at the soundstage across from us.  Our eyes met over a tray of canolies and I knew it was love.

Me:          Wow, so those masseuse stories are legit.

Tinky:      Well, yes, John has always loved a good man-massage.  I’ve tried to give him one, but he says my triangle gets in the way.  He says it chaffs.  So, I told him he’s allowed to receive deep muscle relaxation, elsewhere.

Me:           Does this mean you’ll become a Scientologist?

Tinky:      No, that shite is for weirdos.

Me:          I hear you’re filming a new indie feature…

Tinky:      Yes, I’m very excited about it.  It’s called, “No Country for Amorphous Blob with Triangle Head.”  It is, truly, the role of a lifetime.

Me:          And you’ve shot this in war torn Bosnia?

Tinky:      Yes.  Bosnia is truly not a place for an Amorphous Blob with a Triangle Head.  I think we learned that the very first day of the shoot…

Me:          How so?

Tinky:      Well, the director and I went for a few pints at the local, Suds N’ Shave.  I thought I’d get a straight razor treatment, but the barber thought it funny to attempt a hackjob on my triangular protrusion.  As soon as I felt a dampness from the custard on my forehead, I knew something was horribly wrong.

Me:          Just for our readers at home, Teletubbies bleed custard, is that right?

Tinky:      Yes and we cry, Jello.  So, you can imagine how emotional this made me.  I felt a custard drop and then it was a Jello-hail storm.  A tsunami of Jello tears.  I cried out for Danny…

Me:          Danny Boyle?  He is the director of, “No Country for Amorphous Blob with Triangle Head?”

Tinky:      Yes, he is.  And thank god, Danny being the attention to detail king, he had my triangle insured.  So, we rushed to the local hospital and had it attached.  It was a delicate situation there for a while.  The surgeons told me I might lose my triangle entirely.

Me:          That’s terrible.  How did you handle that?

Tinky:      I made peace with it.  The Guru Salamibaddha tells us, “You must part with all of your physical things, in order to mate with the fog.”  I mated with the fog that very night.  I think it was the only thing that gave me strength.  I know that even without my triangle, I could play the part of the Amorphous Blob without a country.  I knew it in my heart.

Me:          That seems like an Ah-Ha moment to me.

Tinky:      It was more of an Ow-Oh moment, really.  But, yes.  I learned that sometimes you get a breast job and although beautiful, the silicone breaks, and your tit slides down somewhere around your kneecap.  Only a fully centered person who has relinquished his or her attachment to her physicality can deal with something like that.  Once I did, it was the first moment I had ever felt truly alive.

Tinky, after his spiritual awakening.

Me:          Do you feel the same way, now?  Even though they were able to save your triangle?

Tinky:      Well, of course, I’m very happy to have my triangle back.  And, of course, John loves it.  But, it doesn’t define me anymore.  I’m a felt-covered, purple, gay, man who will never have washboard abs.  I am loved and I am blessed.  And all of that would  remain true, even if I lost my geometrical headpiece tomorrow.

Me:          Thank you for a wonderful interview, Tinky.

Tinky:      It was my pleasure, Sweet Mother.  I hope to see you around the gayborhood.

Me:          Yes, I’m sure you will, Tinky.  I’m sure you will.

The gayborhood Tinky speaks of located in Manchester. Here, the teles frolic with an off-duty surgeon.

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Photo creds:  tink purse, gay-teles, twink-jumps, twink-out, teles-nyc