How To Stop Your Child From Being Murdered By Me
Posted on June 20, 2012
A lot of people have a fear of public speaking, I do not. A lot of people need to be liked by everyone, I do not. That need to be liked stopped when I read an article about how you could be immensely powerful within a company WITHOUT everyone liking you. In fact, there was some kind of tier system. On that tier system were the A, B, C, and D people. It didn’t matter, at all, if the C and Ds didn’t like you. You needed most of the As to and a few of the Bs. That was the secret to success. Unfortunately, most people don’t wear their corresponding letter on the outside of their shirts. So, I often manage to chat up a D while the A sneaks off with my writing partner to give them a development deal. Thus, has gone my life. But, I am not bitter. I am – in fact – extremely happy. I think this is for several reasons – 1) I say what I feel when I feel it and 2) I will call an a-hole an a-hole. And I’m sorry, I’ll do it…EVEN IF IT’S YOUR KID.
I have no fear of telling an obnoxious little kid to back off on his or her obnoxious level. Now, of course, I don’t run around like the supernanny trying to discipline every human being under 4’ tall. But, if your kid is in a public space, acting like a little a-hole, I’m going to tell him so. Then I’m going to look for you and tell you so. Then I’m going to tell the little one again. So, what constitutes acting like a little a-hole in a public space?
I’m glad you asked. I’ve made a list:
TURN OFF YOUR FECKIN’ BEEPIN’ VIDEO GAME. Look, if you’re at home and you want to play your sega-whatsis-nintendo-wii at full volume then that is your right. But, when you have it beeping like a life support system in the restaurant where I’m having several drinks in order to quell the desire to bulldoze the planet, well, in that instance you need to turn the thing off. You don’t have to stop playing. Just read the feckin’ manual and learn how to turn the feckin’ sound off. Before a child is given such a toy, this should be gone over and the parent should know how to do it as well. If you both refuse to learn such a thing and insist on playing what I hear only as, “beep, beep, woosh, woosh, zap, zap,” then do not be surprised when I come over and crush the console under my black, iron, fist.
NO CANNON BALLS IN THE PUBLIC POOL. Look, in the family pool make all the cannon balls and belly flops you want. The other people around you made the unfortunate mistake of allowing the dna death dance that created you to occur in the first place, so I am all for them suffering for it. Soak grandma. Belly flop on to Aunt Harriet. But, do it in the public pool while I’m drifting by on my floaty, while reading “Harry Potter,” and don’t be surprised to find out that you can, indeed, receive a concussion by being repeatedly bandied about the head with a paperback.
NO SPINE BENDING SCREAMING OVER 8 YEARS OF AGE. There is a certain type of scream that only a child can make. It is a scream that eats through the very myelin on the nerve endings of adults. If you make this sort of scream over 8 years of age, expect an adult – me – to come over and scream back in your face with all the force of an alien attempting to implant itself in the belly of Sigorney Weaver. I promise, if you ever encounter me doing such a thing, 2 inches from your gourd, you will shit your pants. Everyone under 8 is exempt from this tactic, as I can only assume your body is growing so fast that it actually hurts and causes said screams. If you are making them over 8, sorry, your just a little a-hole.
Now, maybe you’re thinking to yourself, how dare this woman confront my kid in any way. I say, no, how dare you NOT teach your kid to live in the world, while at the same time respecting others. Of course, I never touch anyone else’s kid. For me, there is no need. I have been trained to insult people for a living. This is a great power and, as such, I use it very judiciously. Why would I ever touch your kid or you for that matter when I can reduce either one of you to tears from across the room, while I lay on my beachy, lounge chair sipping a colada? I pretty much NEVER use this secret power. I NEVER let it get to that point. However, it’s nice to know I have said power. It’s the simply knowing its there that gives me enough balls to tell your kid to, “knock it off.” If I have to go further than that, I’m taking it up with YOU, the parent. Much like there aren’t really any bad dogs, I’m not sure there are bad kids…just horribly undisciplined ones.
Imagine if society euthanized kids as much as dogs with behavior problems. That would be a very sad world, indeed.
But, I’m guessing I’d have much more quiet in the pool and at restaurants.
I don’t know. What about you? Do you have the cajones to reprimand another’s spawn? Any interesting stories about doing so? Momma wants to know.
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