INT. HALLWAY ENTRANCE TO ER
GLORIA DELGADO, 38, latin and gorgeous is being wheeled in on a gurney. Her blouse is loosely and erratically unbuttoned as if she just suffered a wardrobe malfunction and quickly tried to cover up. She is flanked by Manny Delgado, 12, Jay Pritchett, 60, Phil Dunphy, 35, Mitchell Pritchett, and Cameron Tucker, both in their 30’s. The men with the exception of Cameron and Mitchell seem to be blind. Dr. O’Hara, 40, and Jackie Peyton, 40, meet up with the gurney.
GLORIA DELGADO
Wawwwowwwww, ohhhhh, waaaaooowwwwww!DR. O’HARA
(very British, very rich)
What seems to be the problem, dear?GLORIA DELGADO
(thick, Spanish accent)
My tetas, mami! They are killing me!MANNY DELGADO
You want me to scratch them again, Ma?GLORIA DELGADO
Ay, no, papi. I said, mami. Not, manny! Ay, this puta accent.NURSE JACKIE
You’re going to need to tell Dr. O’Hara what’s wrong if we’re going to help you. What’s wrong?!
Just then Jay Pritchett and Phil Dunphy bang into Jackie as if they haven’t seen her.
NURSE JACKIE
What the feck is wrong with you two? Can’t you see we’re trying to work here?PHIL DUNPHY
Actually, no. We can’t see. We heard screaming. I think it was Gloria from the accent…JAY PRITCHETT
Really, genius? You thought it was her from the accent or from feeling up her boobs?PHIL DUNPHY
I didn’t mean to feel up her boobs. That seemed to be the source of the pain!
“I just can’t see a damn thing, but it feels like there’s something all over my face.”
MANNY DELGADO
Ma, I think I met the girl of my dreams…
We see Manny softly combing Zoey’s hair in the nurse’s station.
GLORIA DELGADO
Ay, ooooohhh, oyyyyyy, mijo. Dat’s woooonderful.DR. O’HARA
Her chest, it’s burning up. Ma’am, I’m going to need to rip open your blouse.
Enter Dr. Cruz, 40, fit and latino. He’s the head doctor.
DR. CRUZ
Stop right there, O’Hara. This hospital does not have the money to have those buttons sewn back on. Let me do it.
Dr. Cruz leans over the gurney and begins to unbutton Gloria’s blouse. As he does so, Gloria screams in pain. Dr. Cruz fumbles with the first button and in a flash, we see his eyes singe and go black.
CAMERON
Mmm, hmm. Another one bites the dust.NURSE JACKIE
You! What does that mean? And why can you two still see?MITCHELL PRITCHETT
Because we’re gay. You see…CAMERON
You mean WE see, sweetheart. That’s right, she has no effect on us.NURSE JACKIE
Oh, for god’s sake. You have got to be kidding me.GLORIA DELGADO
Ohhhh, aaaaayyyyyy, ooooooooh!DR. O’HARA
Just why in the bloody hell is she screaming? She’s making my baby kick…CAMERON
Oh, no…Is it a boy? You better step away from there. Unless you want to teach the little tyke braille for the rest of its life.DR. O’HARA
Don’t be bloody ridic…oohhhhh deeearrr gooood, ooooh, nooo, ohhh, nooo, my eyes!
In a flash, we see Dr. O’Hara’s eyes singe and then turn to black.
MITCHELL
I’m guessing the baby daddy is a sperm donor? That’s leztastic!NURSE JACKIE
Alright, I want everyone who’s blind, outta here. Sam, can you…
Sam walks up to help and instantly his eyes are turned to onyx.
NURSE JACKIE
Christ! Thor!
Thor enters and notices Cameron and Mitchell.
THOR
Oh, hey. I’m such a big fan of you two.CAMERON
And we of you, Mr. Awesome.NURSE JACKIE
Thor! I want you to get everyone who’s blind, outta here.THOR
Yes, ma’am. (to Cameron and Mitchell) I liked her so much better when she was high.NURSE JACKIE
Ok, Charo, let me get this straight…THOR, CAMERON, AND MITCHELL
It’s Gloria!
NURSE JACKIE
Sorry, I don’t have cable.GLORIA DELGADO
Ay, mami. Jou are on cable. We are on network…NURSE JACKIE
Right, I don’t check the channel I’m on and I’ve been high for most of the seasons anyway. So, let me get this straight. You’re so hot, you’re causing blindness in straight men and lesbos?GLORIA DELGADO
Yes, mami. Dat’s right.MANNY
What did you say, Ma?NURSE JACKIE
Zoey, shut that kid up!GLORIA DELGADO
Ay, don’t talk to my son like that, puta!
Gloria swings up wildly from the gurney to give Jackie a talking to. One of her breasts breaks free from her blouse and suddenly, starts shooting oxycontin tablets. Jackie is shocked and as such, inadvertently leaves her mouth open. She swallows three oxys.
“Ay, I’m sorry, Mami, but these are loaded.”
NURSE JACKIE
Feck! Feck! Now I’ll never get my kids back. My husband is suing me for custody.
Enter Gloria Akalitus.
NURSE GLORIA
What seems to be the trouble here?THOR
Hot, latin, Gloria, meet black, all business, Gloria.NURSE GLORIA
Oh, I’ve seen one or two of you in my time hanging around the minority scholarship foundation. And why is it all of you think you can sing? You’re not all Shakira, hello!GLORIA DELGADO
What? I don’t know what jour are talking about.NURSE GLORIA
Oh, yes, you do. And I suggest you button up that blouse and get those girls under control or we’re going to have to remove them.GLORIA DELGADO
Remove them?NURSE GLORIA
Yes, remove them. Safety hazard. What do you think happened to Rosie Perez?GLORIA DELGADO
Ay, no!
Within seconds, Gloria Delgado drops a cup size and her boobs go gently back into her blouse. The straight men and Dr. O’Hara regain their sight. Gloria looks proud of herself. Only, Jackie looks like the world has ended.
NURSE GLORIA
Thor!THOR
Yes, boss.
Gloria motions toward Jackie who is now up on a gurney, while Cameron and Mitchell try to comfort her with songs from Hedwig, the musical.
NURSE GLORIA
Pump her stomach and let’s get things back to normal around here.
Enter Zoey with Manny trying to keep his arm around her.
NURSE ZOEY
Oh, can I do it?NURSE GLORIA
No.
END SCENE.
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Photo credits: thor, dr0hara-gurney, sofia-bikini, philandjay
Tagged: Cameron Tucker, comedy, funny, gay, GLORIA, humor, humour, jackie peyton, lesbian, lgbt, mash up, Mitchell, modern family, NURSE JACKIE, Phil Dunphy, sofia vergara, Sweet Mother, television, Thor, write, writer, writing, zoey
Holy awesomeness. Please do a mash up of Two and a Half Men and Louie!!
thank you for commenting on my oddball-ness, 7. i feel like a woman trying pants on for the first time. it’s liberating… and yes to louie – kutcher reenactment. i’d also like to do mash meets breaking bad. just sayin’.
I am so happy I had nothing in my mouth…
i can’t tell you how often i’ve said that… lol. i’m just kidding! thanks for commenting, vals. i really appreciate it. much love, sm
Hello, I am a very powerful TV executive at NBC, where we haven’t had an idea in a long, long time. I would like to purchase your mash-up. We will have to change the names a little, so we can’t get sued.
thanks for commenting on my weirdoness, b-man. i really appreciate it.
moms
Although I wasn’t nuts about this post (hard to follow and didn’t really understand what was going on), I have to say hello like I always do. Hope you are well.
hey, they can’t all be winners. but, what i do try to do here is stretch myself both comedically and in writerish ways… so, when it comes to that and trying something out, i stand by this confusing post.
moms
Oh..don’t get me wrong…you are ALWAYS funny and your writing is phenomenal. The fact that I don’t always “get it” is not a reflection on your writing, but on my lack of intelligence.
hey, no offense taken. sometimes i swing and…get hit in the face. lol!
Hysterical! I would write more but I have to clean up the mess I have made spitting out coffee and peeing my pants laughing.
you are very generous, mg. and momma is very grateful. sm