TV Mash Up: MODERN JACKIE
Posted on June 30, 2012
INT. HALLWAY ENTRANCE TO ER
GLORIA DELGADO, 38, latin and gorgeous is being wheeled in on a gurney. Her blouse is loosely and erratically unbuttoned as if she just suffered a wardrobe malfunction and quickly tried to cover up. She is flanked by Manny Delgado, 12, Jay Pritchett, 60, Phil Dunphy, 35, Mitchell Pritchett, and Cameron Tucker, both in their 30’s. The men with the exception of Cameron and Mitchell seem to be blind. Dr. O’Hara, 40, and Jackie Peyton, 40, meet up with the gurney.
Wawwwowwwww, ohhhhh, waaaaooowwwwww!
(very British, very rich)
What seems to be the problem, dear?
(thick, Spanish accent)
My tetas, mami! They are killing me!
You want me to scratch them again, Ma?
Ay, no, papi. I said, mami. Not, manny! Ay, this puta accent.
You’re going to need to tell Dr. O’Hara what’s wrong if we’re going to help you. What’s wrong?!
Just then Jay Pritchett and Phil Dunphy bang into Jackie as if they haven’t seen her.
What the feck is wrong with you two? Can’t you see we’re trying to work here?
Actually, no. We can’t see. We heard screaming. I think it was Gloria from the accent…
Really, genius? You thought it was her from the accent or from feeling up her boobs?
I didn’t mean to feel up her boobs. That seemed to be the source of the pain!
Ma, I think I met the girl of my dreams…
We see Manny softly combing Zoey’s hair in the nurse’s station.
Ay, ooooohhh, oyyyyyy, mijo. Dat’s woooonderful.
Her chest, it’s burning up. Ma’am, I’m going to need to rip open your blouse.
Enter Dr. Cruz, 40, fit and latino. He’s the head doctor.
Stop right there, O’Hara. This hospital does not have the money to have those buttons sewn back on. Let me do it.
Dr. Cruz leans over the gurney and begins to unbutton Gloria’s blouse. As he does so, Gloria screams in pain. Dr. Cruz fumbles with the first button and in a flash, we see his eyes singe and go black.
Mmm, hmm. Another one bites the dust.
You! What does that mean? And why can you two still see?
Because we’re gay. You see…
You mean WE see, sweetheart. That’s right, she has no effect on us.
Oh, for god’s sake. You have got to be kidding me.
Ohhhh, aaaaayyyyyy, ooooooooh!
Just why in the bloody hell is she screaming? She’s making my baby kick…
Oh, no…Is it a boy? You better step away from there. Unless you want to teach the little tyke braille for the rest of its life.
Don’t be bloody ridic…oohhhhh deeearrr gooood, ooooh, nooo, ohhh, nooo, my eyes!
In a flash, we see Dr. O’Hara’s eyes singe and then turn to black.
I’m guessing the baby daddy is a sperm donor? That’s leztastic!
Alright, I want everyone who’s blind, outta here. Sam, can you…
Sam walks up to help and instantly his eyes are turned to onyx.
Thor enters and notices Cameron and Mitchell.
Oh, hey. I’m such a big fan of you two.
And we of you, Mr. Awesome.
Thor! I want you to get everyone who’s blind, outta here.
Yes, ma’am. (to Cameron and Mitchell) I liked her so much better when she was high.
Ok, Charo, let me get this straight…
THOR, CAMERON, AND MITCHELL
Sorry, I don’t have cable.
Ay, mami. Jou are on cable. We are on network…
Right, I don’t check the channel I’m on and I’ve been high for most of the seasons anyway. So, let me get this straight. You’re so hot, you’re causing blindness in straight men and lesbos?
Yes, mami. Dat’s right.
What did you say, Ma?
Zoey, shut that kid up!
Ay, don’t talk to my son like that, puta!
Gloria swings up wildly from the gurney to give Jackie a talking to. One of her breasts breaks free from her blouse and suddenly, starts shooting oxycontin tablets. Jackie is shocked and as such, inadvertently leaves her mouth open. She swallows three oxys.
Feck! Feck! Now I’ll never get my kids back. My husband is suing me for custody.
Enter Gloria Akalitus.
What seems to be the trouble here?
Hot, latin, Gloria, meet black, all business, Gloria.
Oh, I’ve seen one or two of you in my time hanging around the minority scholarship foundation. And why is it all of you think you can sing? You’re not all Shakira, hello!
What? I don’t know what jour are talking about.
Oh, yes, you do. And I suggest you button up that blouse and get those girls under control or we’re going to have to remove them.
Yes, remove them. Safety hazard. What do you think happened to Rosie Perez?
Within seconds, Gloria Delgado drops a cup size and her boobs go gently back into her blouse. The straight men and Dr. O’Hara regain their sight. Gloria looks proud of herself. Only, Jackie looks like the world has ended.
Gloria motions toward Jackie who is now up on a gurney, while Cameron and Mitchell try to comfort her with songs from Hedwig, the musical.
Pump her stomach and let’s get things back to normal around here.
Enter Zoey with Manny trying to keep his arm around her.
Oh, can I do it?
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