It has occurred to me that most languages use sayings and that the people of the inter-webs love quotes.  So, what is a saying?  The douchey, “I have a Master’s degree in  English,” answer would be — an idiom.  Glorious idioms.  To me, an idiom is a life lesson in a sentence or two.  You hear it and you go, “Oh, now that I have this bird in my hand, I’m going to leave those two dead ones over there in the bush, alone.  Well, because I have one in my hand and that’s better than two in a bush.”  See, we’ve all learned something.  Especially the bird who is thinking, “Why in the feck did I land in this Jack-hole’s hand?  Now I have to be part of some life lesson instead of flying south?  Goddermn it, I should’ve taken the 405.”

 

I love idioms.  My only complaint is that some of them are very old fashioned.  For example, “A dime a dozen.”  Does anyone ever really use dimes anymore?  In fact, the parking meters won’t even take them.  So, I worry for today’s children.  Will they understand the richness of a lesson in a sentence or two?  As always, I am very concerned for the straightbies and gaybies of tomorrow.  As such, I’ve decided to modernize some common sayings.  Since “it takes a village,” consider me the mayor.  Let us begin.

 

Old Saying:  “I’ve had it up to here.”

 

Modern Version:  “I’m so full, I’ve developed type 2 diabetes.”

 

Explanation:  You see, way back when “I’ve had it up to here” was popularized humans were much shorter.  We were all just about Napolean-sized due to a lack of protein in our diets.  But, now, we are super-sized due to the hormones we feed our cows in order to produce more feckin’ beef then ever.  So, “up to here,” is not as strong.  But, “so full I’m almost diabetic…,” well, that packs a punch-sized bowl of understanding.

 

The face of a southern fried idiom.

 

Old Saying:  “He has foot in mouth disease.”

 

Modern Version:  “What a Charlie Sheen.”

 

Explanation:  No one can get their foot in their mouth anymore with the exception of Madonna and she can only do it because she does all that yoga.  But, say someone is a “Charlie Sheen” and everyone gets it – “a bullsh*tter with a touch of cray-cray who is probably going to insult you.”

 

Old Saying:  “Stop and smell the roses.”

 

Modern Version:  “Always wait for the after-pee.”

 

Explanation:  There used to be a time when everyone had a garden.  Now people have substituted growing flowers for a harmonic zen garden, which is basically just a sand pit where you move the rocks around.  So, there may not be roses in everyone’s general vicinity.  But, everyone can enjoy the after-pee.  The after-pee is the moment after you’ve peed where you sit (or stand) there silently waiting for the next round.  It’s the small trickle after the big pee.  It is wholly satisfying and if you do not wait for it, you are missing out on one of life’s most simple pleasures.

 

Who knew…she was actually sitting on a bedpan.

 

Old Saying:  “A Piece of Cake”

 

Modern Version:  “Store Bought Hummus”

 

Explanation:  Back in the times of the kings and queens, there was always cake laying around, at least at the palace.  So much so that the royal offspring took to saying, “a piece of cake” when something was easy.  As in, “There’s cake here every feckin’ day.  It just materializes and it’s as common as gout.  Just head down to the kitchen and pick up a slice.”  Cake is not as common in households these days because now people tend to do things themselves.  It’s time consuming to bake a cake, but you know what’s worse?  Making your own hummus.  Most people think to themselves, “I have all these chickpeas, I’d love to make a hummus.  But, feck it, I can get a better one at the store much faster…in fact, IT’S EASY.”  Thus, originated the term, “store bought hummus.”  At least, I think that’s what happened.

 

Old Saying:  “At the drop of a hat”

 

Modern Version:  “At the crash of a cellphone”

 

Explanation:  No one wears hats anymore, except for baseball players and old, British, gentlemen.  However, everyone has a cellphone.  These cellphones are always slipping, and falling, and crashing, out of one’s hand.  So, if you mean to do something “right away,” you might say, “at the crash of a cellphone” because you can be assured right now, at anytime, somewhere in the world, a cellphone is comin’ a crashing against a hard floor…of this, I am sure.

 

What about you?  Have a saying you want modernized?  Leave it in the comments section and I’ll give it an update for you.

 

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Photo credits:  paula deen, meg ryan, cloud-nine

 

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