Johnny Depp can make you straight.  Well, if you’re a gay girl, that is.  It seems this is the case, since Johnny has broken up with his longtime, french lover, Vanessa Paradis for ex-lesbo, Amber Heard.

 

Now, before you get all, “Women are the bargain hunters of sexuality.  Throw in a Kohl’s gift card and a famous penis and every woman is straight…”  Before you get all like that, I just want to say that even straight men are not immune to the sexuality-switching powers of Johnny Depp.  I know this because I found a hardcore, metal band full of straight dudes called, “Gay for Johnny Depp.”  And here they are…

This band excites me as if I were a pre-teen and they were the Backstreet Boys.

 

Okay, let’s get back to the ladies.  So, you’ve heard of the term, “gay maker,” right?  Well, the inter-webs are a flutter with a new term, “a straight maker” or in the case of women everywhere, it’s just easier to say, “I’ve been Depped.

 

Here’s what happens when you’re a gay girl and you get Depped and I mean Depped, hard.

 

You go from tripping the light fantastic lady-style to tripping it Depp-style, which is dirtier and involves more pomade.  You give up your Birkenstocks or Crocs for a pair of these:

These beat the Birks any day…

 

You smash all of your Ani DiFranco CDs into bits and use the remnants as makeup blending palettes.  You spend the rest of your time applying makeup to your new boyfriend, hoping you can make him look like this:

or this:

 

Okay, I say the above in jest.  True, this actress, Amber Heard, seems to have moved from the lesbian side of the Kinsey Scale to the Depp side.  However, I think we are all missing a very valuable point here.  It’s less that Johnny Depp is a straight maker and more that moving from a French woman (Depp’s former love, Vanessa) to a lesbian, is really not that much of a leap at all.  Let me demonstrate.

 

Comparative analysis (based on zero research) between your average, French woman and your average lesbian:

 

Finding A:  French women often do not shave their armpits.  Lesbians often don’t shave anything.

 

Finding B:  French women enjoy wine and cheese.  Lesbians enjoy wine and cheese and the occasional baguette.  (Though they skip the baguette in Los Angeles, too many calories.)

 

Finding C:  French women love Edith Piaf.  Lesbians love Edith Piaf and often wish she were a gay.

Come on, Edith, you couldn’t have queered off, even once, for us… say with Catherine Deneuve??

 

Finding D:  French women speak french.  Lesbians enjoy the movie, “French Twist.

 

Finding E:  French women don’t like deodorant.  Some lesbians only wear Tom’s of Maine.

This is not a deodorant. This is the smell of a corpse following you around for days. I know, I’ve tried it.

 

Finding F:  French women smoke cigarettes (Gualoises).  Lesbians smoke cigarettes (Marlboro Lights).

 

I don’t smoke because it never sits well with my asthma inhaler, but these do look fancy…

 

Finding G:  French women like berets.  Lesbians like hats.

 

A subtle statement on one’s sexuality provided by a haberdashery.

 

Finding H:  French women enjoy a topless beach.  Lesbians enjoy a topless beach.  (I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a topless beach?  Oh, yeah, gay DUDES!!!)

 

Finding I:  French women like bicycles.  Lesbians like motorbikes.

“Would you like to go on a picnic, Mon Cheri?”

 

Finding J:  French women like Paris.  Lesbians like Paris.  (I mean, who in the feck doesn’t like Paris?)

 

Conclusion:  French women like Johnny Depp.  Lesbians like Johnny Depp.

 

Case closed.  It’s simple, really, when you think about it.

 

And for the sense of humor-less out there, none of this is based on fact.  It is all a gentle ribbing.  If you can’t laugh at the Frenchness and the Gayness in all of us, then what in the hell can you laugh at?  And do I think Johnny Depp could turn all lesbians?  No, of course not.  Wifesy and I will remain married even if Johnny Depp comes over to our house tomorrow and undresses.  Though we’d probably watch him to do it and request that he sing one of Vanessa’s songs in French while doing so.  It would just disappoint us both too much not to request the serenade and it would amuse us endlessly to watch a Johnny-style, French, striptease.  We are forever gay like that.

 

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Photo creds:  gayfordepp, depp-feature, boots, deppinalice, deppasscissor, edith, toms, frenchiecigs, dykehat, dykeonbike

 

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