I’ll be scrubbing my face and making sure I look picture perfect from the neck up. From the neck down I’ll probably wear a tutu and some polka dotted Wellington boots. Why? Because it’s none of the DMV’s business what I wear down there. (Department of Motor Vehicles, for my non-yanks. I don’t know what you call your license place. Probably the “Office of Motorized Mobility at the Queen’s Discretion,” or something similar.) Anyway, you know, down there, where you can’t see things, from below the windshield. That’s right, I’m taking a stand and saying it’s none of this particular government’s business what I’m wearing down below…unless what I’m wearing is a baby across my lap, while driving. Then, regretfully, I am Britney Spears…
Is that a phone too, you feckin’ lunatic??!
So, yeah, today I have to take my California Driver’s exam. Thank god it’s only a written exam. I’ve taken the online tests and I feel pretty confident. But, then again, I’ve felt confident before about other things. There was the time I tried to take the beach lifeguard test and got out of the pool after one lap, walked right into the locker room, changed and went home, while everyone else was still swimming. For god’s sake, who knew you had to REALLY know how to swim – like Michael Phelps swim – to be a New York beach lifeguard?? I thought the worst that could happen was I’d have to extract a washed up hypodermic needle from out of the upper thigh of a good citizen. How hard could that be? But, no, apparently you have to actually know how to save people!!!
“Will you be my bodyguard?” Wait, that’s not right…
Today I’ll be challenging my knowledge on the following things that I may never use again:
1. You must inform the DMV when you sell your car within 5 days of the sale. When you steal a car, common sense dictates that you tell no one.
2. You are not allowed to wear headphones in both ears while driving in the state of California. However, ridiculous hats and scuba goggles seem to be totally within limits.
3. When you park your car facing uphill and there is a curb, point the tires away from the curb. When facing downhill with a curb, point tires towards the curb. If there is no curb, point your tires toward the land without the curb (away from the street)…get out of the car and then run…because where in the feck are you that there is no curb?! Appalachia?! Do not stay.
4. When you see a school bus stopping, you must stop on both sides of the street. You may not ram your car up on to the sidewalk. Then drive down the sidewalk to pass the car in front of you that is waiting for the bus that stopped to pick up a handicapped kid. Yes, that happened. Saw it on the news this morning. You can see the insanity here.
So, that’s what I’ll be doing today, kids. Testing my adulthood. Proving I can still drive by turning my New York license into a much more Nascar-like California one. Well, if all goes well, that is. A more in depth and well thought out post tomorrow. For now, you get this little nugget from my day. I’m sorry-ish.
Momma loves you!
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Tagged: Automobile, beach lifeguard, Britney Spears, California, car, cars, comedy, Department of Motor Vehicles, driver's license, driving, family, funny, government, humor, humour, Hypodermic needle, journal, lgbt, Michael Phelps, New York, New York City, opinion, postaday, Relationships, sweetmother, transportation, travel, vehicle, wellington boots
Did you know that all over the western US there are pet names for California Drivers? Some are silly, some are not so nice.
i would say they are all undoubtedly correct. they drive like sh*tballs here. sh*tballs.
LOL – They drive even worse when they infiltrate the homelands of more rational drivers.
I imagine in California you are allowed to follow the person in front of you by six inches, seeings how you’re not moving anyway.
okay, i wish this was a mother of a caption contest because THAT joke would’ve won. sweet lawd, that was funny.
Thanks! I’ll be here till next Tuesday.
loool. “is this thing on…”
I’ve seen how they drive in California. I think if you don’t hit anyone during the test you must pass, but the rest is all beyond the Thunderdome.
beyond the thunderdome, indeed. but, i did pass. got one wrong. little known fact, apparently you can not smoke in your car if anyone is in it under the age of 18. who knew. i did not. but, i got the rest… yaaaay.
in the state of ca that is.
Congratulations! I guess you can’t take up smoking to help you relax should gaybe ever come to be.
i know and apparently you have to cut your wine down to under a bottle a day. unfair.
What a rig-a-ma-roll it is to get a driver’s license in a new state. When I first got my license, I took the tests and then the guy asked, “Do you want a motorcycle license too?” I said, “sure” and poof, M was added on the back, nothing required. It is on there to this day. I’ve never driven a motorcycle. When I moved to North Carolina, I had to take the test and bring a chain of evidence in a three ring binder to prove my identity from birth, marriage, divorce, other marriage, copy of a current power bill – Gaaa! Same in CO. Coming to TX was a freaking fiasco. Plus the DMV people are rude, like it’s your fault they have to work there. Blah! Good Luck SM.
i think that’s hilarious. it is so feckin’ hard to get a motorcycle license here and i LOVE that you just opted for one because they asked. absolutely hysterical. in new york, wifesy simply handed in her ca license and was handed a ny license, which is the way it should f’en be if you ask me. but, california is difficult and they make you take the written test again. i’m not sure why. maybe to see if you’ve been hit in the head in the interim… ay yay yay. lool. xo, sm oh…and i passed.
Yeah and I was only 15 years old…(the good old days) I am not a good test taker. Plus I really have a bad attitude about bureaucratic requirements…
Awesome, I knew you could do it
Written tests really bring out the crazy in people. My friend once actually clicked on ‘it’s okay to step on the gas’ if the pedestrian is not done crossing, and the green light turns on. Her impeccable reasoning for the choice— “It’s my right of way”. And she passed the test! My whole belief in the system came crashing that day!
Good luck on your test, SM
that is just hilarious. i love that that was even a question! and that she was passed after answering it with the completely obvious incorrect one!!! looool. too funny. xo, sm
Whoa. Holy crap. Remind me not to move to CA.
the sun is good, but the roads are cray-cray. i’m telling you.
“…because where in the feck are you that there is no curb?! Appalachia?! Do not stay.” Bwahahaha. You’ve uncovered one of my phobias–hillbillies.
i love you for loving that. my fave line too. xoxo, sm
Written tests are scary no matter how good you are at driving. My dad had to take a written test to renew his driver’s license in India, and he almost failed it! It’s one thing to drive well, but if you’re required to know the exact procedure when faced with such and such, even the best can falter.
On that positive note, all the best for your test!
i totally understand that! i had so much anxiety about it. but, i passed. all is well. lool.
sm
Oy vey, good luck!!! I have refrained from getting a driver’s license at all because of all the things you mention. Too scary. Also, really awful photos.
i have a double chin in the one i took today. i thought you couldn’t smile that it was now illegal or something, so i didn’t. and now i have what looks like a mug shot on my license for the next decade or something. sigh. anyhoo, can’t wait to read your f the repubs piece.
xo, sm
Then there’s Illinois where commercial licenses were available for a simple contribution to then Secretary of State’s (George Ryan) campaign fund. No skills or qualifications required. Yes, people died as a result.
okay, that story is crazy. CRAZY. and i must go and read about it. it seems unreal. but, knowing the idiocy that is humanity…sigh…i’m not surprised. i wonder how much you had to pay to get a pilot’s license. sad face. sm
I enjoy these shorter posts or “little nuggets” as you refer to them. Hope your appointment went well. If I were the DMV, I would automatically give you your California license. After all, anyone who can drive in NYC and live to tell about it, can handle any other U.S. city.
i passed! woohooooooo. and i’m glad you like the ‘little nuggets’ – i never know if they are a waste of time or not and yet i write them anyway. sort of like a lot of things in my life. lool. and so it goes…
sm
Woohoo! I knew you could do it.
Is Nas-car like the Nazgul? What is Nas-car? Am I living under a rock? Is it funny?
Portia x
ohmygod. i will do a whole post for you on it. it IS funny, but, oh lawd, i don’t think it’s trying to be. sit tight… the nascar post must happen, it will happen. lool. am i building the suspense for you?
Suspense o meter going CER AY ZEEE! I think I’ve had a mal al al al al func nc nc c tion
Seriously, I’m not looking it up so I can read your post and be totally surprised.
Portia xx
Why is it necessary to have a separate driving license for each state? Are the rules of the road different from state to state?
p.s. Break a leg!
i don’t know. some places you can just turn in your license from the other state and you get a new one, but then places like california they make you jump through some hoops. i’m not sure why. i will say though that in california driving is blood sport. complete blood sport. i was watching a piece on amsterdam last night and all i could think is i wish i lived in a town built for the bicycle, but alas, here i am… lool. hope all is well, mee. xo, sm
Hope it went well! I have such a bad track record with written driving tests. They make me so freaking nervous. Last time I took one was the day after I found out I was pregnant with C. The whole time I was afraid I was going to miscarry because I was so nervous. But not only did I deliver a baby but I also passed the test. She must have brought me good luck.
I laughed all through your ‘rules’. Good luck Mum!
Ah, the joys of the DMV!!! We used to have to take a written test every time we went to renew our license and it always freaked me out…what gear should you put your car in if you are towing a boat and driving downhill????? Really? This is an actual question I got wrong. I still don’t know the right answer, and I can’t say it has hurt my driving ability at all. (They’ve dropped the written test requirement now and I couldn’t be happier). Now, if I could get out of the office in under two hours…….
hahaha…funny post ..
.i wil tell you a secret Sweet Mom..i lost my license, after that i had to apply for a learners license and then apply for a permanent license…its a small process took me years…because i used to get late in sapplying for permanent license …had 3 temporary license and now finally i got my permanent license…my friend told me if i had failed 3rd time too the license department would have rejected my application completely…
Sweet Mother,
Inquiring minds want to know: Have you passed, and can you now drive my clown car?
Le Clown
yes, of course – le passed. and i’ll drive any clown car, as long as i get to honk a clown nose for the horn…
SM,
Absolutely. And congrats!
Le Clown