“What in the feck would I want to read this morning?”
“Something with balls.”
“Something with funny balls.”
I said funny, FUNNY, balls.
“Like a poem?”
“You don’t really do poetry, Sweet Tits.”
“Something Halloweenie?”
“Do your really want to read another Halloween-ish thing this morning? Be honest, you don’t.”
“What about the storm? Should I write about the storm?”
“Riders of the storm…”
“Jim Morrison, right?”
“You should call Wifesy immediately. You may have actually paired the correct artist with the correct song lyric.”
“Or wait, was that Bowie?”
“Nope, Morrison. Don’t be an a-hole.”
“I love this coffee. I think without coffee I’d never sh*t again.”
“What is wrong with you? No one wants to hear about that.”
“Why not? Everyone sh*ts.”
“Because it’s crude. People want elegance not crudeness. Not crassity.”
“Crassity, really?”
“Well, maybe I want crassity.”
“You’re making up your own language again. Maybe this is why nothing ever sells.”
Is this how you treat things?
“None of my writing ever sells? But, I do, I HAVE sold things.”
“Your personal possessions on Ebay don’t count.”
“I could never sell anything on Ebay. I don’t understand Ebay at all. And why do those Ebay physical stores even exist? It’s ridiculous.”
“I don’t think you’re supposed to capitalize the E in Ebay. I think it’s ebay. Now people KNOW that you’re 100 years old.”
“Isn’t it weird how Americans spell it capitalize and the British spell it capitalise?”
“Not weird enough to spend this much time on. It’s not a show idea for TLC or anything like that. That poor girl with two feckin’ heads, now that’s a show for TLC. People will spend some time on that.”
Better than one?
“Did you just run out of steam?”
“What?”
“You stopped to think for a minute. Did you just bore YOURSELF, approximately 300 words into this post?”
“You know what, that’s none of your feckin’ business.”
“It is my business. I’m your brain.”
“Then who in the feck am I?”
“A good question. If I knew who I was do you think I’d be talking to you?”
“Come on, you don’t know who you are?”
“Alright, fine, I’m something akin to your Writer’s Voice, but less cheesy.”
“Ha Ha, you just called yourself A-Writer’s-Voice. That’s so ridiculous. What are you going to call yourself next, the Artist’s Way?”
“Plagiarist.”
“That was sarcasm, you a**hole. Just because you say a word that is the title of an actual published work that doesn’t make you a plagiarist.”
“Still, it makes you lacking original thought.”
“Why are you so mean?”
“I’m not mean. I’m your balls.”
“Oh, right, I forgot you held those. Could you be a little gentler with them.”
“Sure. Are we cool now?”
“Yes.”
“See you tomorrow?”
“Yep, I’ll be here.”
“Start thinking up ideas, okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll get right on it…after I finish the contents of this liquor cabinet.”
“It’s 10am.”
“I am not a physical entity. So, for me, it’s always 12pm somewhere.”
“For everybody, it’s always 12pm somewhere. That’s the joke. That you can always make an excuse to drink.”
“Your problem is that you’re too literal.”
“Maybe, but you have no rules.”
“Some truth to that. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Okay, don’t drink too much. I’ll need you in one piece by then.”
“I’m always in one piece. There’s nothing to break apart.”
“Just say goodnight, Gracie.”
“Goodnight, Grace Jones.”
“Goddermn it!”
“I love you.”
“Me too.”
“Goodnight.”
***
Sweet Mother is updated daily-ish. If you’d like to “follow” this blog, you can do so by clicking the follow button at the top of the page.
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You might also like:
Speaking Without Saying a Thing
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Photo creds:
girl-two-heads, dictionary, furry-balls
You KNOW you are a comedian, when your internal dialogue is this funny. If I did this (showed the world what I was thinking), I’d scare the crap out of everyone and my husband would have me committed.
looooool. i think i would totally enjoy reading it. i have no doubt it would be infinitely interesting to say the very least. people are too quick to ‘commit’ these days in the mental sense. anyway, i heart you wendos. thank you for reading and sometimes even enjoying my nonsense. xoxo, sm
And I was first!! Isn’t there a freakin medal for that?
here is your medal, enjoy:
http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/scruffy-men
Woohoo! Thanks mother.
I am so relieved to know that I am not the only one who has these conversations with my. Of course mine are never this funny. I am with WriterWendyReid on this mine are just scary.
i would like to read both yours and wendos thoughts. i have no doubt i would enjoy them. but, as you can see, my thoughts are equally self abusive. sooo…there’s that. lool. xo, sm
For the record, I want crassity.
I want it and now I finally have a word for it.
CRASSITY LIVES in the CRANNIES of my brain. see how i did that. too much? “i’m here all year.” “Is this thing on?”
sm
Far from too much.
I’d like to order seconds.
WAITER! *snap, snap*
wow…i have so many posts where im talking to the voices in my head…
i was scared i was the only who talks to self…
Sweet Mom..this post is so funny..
““A good question. If I knew who I was do you think I’d be talking to you?”” this one was so funny…
so glad you enjoyed it, lil miss. we all talk to ourselves. a lot of the time, i think. xoxo, sm
LOL – love those voices in your head! (I’m not even going there with what’s happening in mine.)
And crassity?
That’s pure gold! Love your work, SM xx
cauldrons, you always make my day when you stop by here. so, thank you. and “crassity forever” or something like that.
xo, sm
That would be a great t-shirt!
xx
“mucho crassity and the sundance squid.” I see a cartoon….
brain implodes….
4.50am here and I think I need coffee
looool. have a sip on me… 1150am here and i’m STILL drinking mine.
I love your Inner Dialogue with your subconscious. Mine mostly screams at me about getting more coffee and needing to do the laundry.
odd, mine screams those things as well. in addition to the above nonsense. it also screams, ‘watch tv.’ it is truly an a**hole sometimes.
Another epic post. I feckin’ love it. I’m swiping both crassity and fecking, fyi.
this blog is so feck-filled that there are plenty to spare.
glad you enjoyed my bombastic crassity today. loool. xo, sm
A trip through Sweet Mother’s mind–certainly an interesting journey.
loool. a crazy place to be, but sometimes the rides are half off. wait, what does that mean? see? he, he, who, who. xo, sm
lmao – I was sooooo seeing a George Burns/Gracie Fields skit going on here.
And there really, truly is a person with two heads??????
yes, indeed, there is. and she’s thriving. so, i guess all of the rest of us should just shut the hell up. no matter what happens today, i will not have to put on two hats… so, there’s that. ;0 sm
-grin- There is indeed.
How did you get the transcript to my internal dialogue?
tin foil. i receive all of your thoughts directly to the piece of tin foil that i have laying on my nightstand. sorry, but i developed this technique a long time ago, the second after i started reading your blog. ;0 sm
Super funny!
I find writing down literally what happens inside my head, very relieving. There’s no pressure; no fear of losing a thought while looking up articles to back up my piece; just my brain and I!
ap, i couldn’t agree more. i think it’s easy to see that this piece was very ‘organic’. and less consuming -in every way- then a lot of my other posts. momma loves you! sm
Hilarious – I often think like that but neither one of me ever writes any of it down.
sounds like the start of something beautiful… i’m just saying… sm
Hah!
My inner dialogue never goes like this. My headitor is usually much more cruel, and less of a drinker. Maybe if it drank more it’d be funnier, or at least fun. Most of the time my headitor sounds like my parents: You can’t do/say that!
ohhhhh, mine does that too. thank god, the other part of the brain is a real, bar fighting, d*ck and likes to tell the ‘parents’ part to shut the f up. if i didn’t have him, i wouldn’t survive.
xo, sm
“I could never sell anything on Ebay. I don’t understand Ebay at all. And why do those Ebay physical stores even exist? It’s ridiculous.”
Seriously, I think this exact thing about once a week. I have started a Zazzle/CafePress/Etsy/Ebay business about 40000000 times already.
i can’t with the ebay. it sucks cowballs. literally, i tried to auction something once and i remembered feeling like, ‘what the feck is happening?’ then i got smart and just sold everything i needed to on craigslist. sigh. nice interview over at mr mary. and an interesting blog. me likey. xo, sm
Thanks SM! XO
People don’t need to know my internal conversation with myself. They may determine I’m insane and have me committed.
you are not the first person to say that. now, what does it say about me when all i want to read are thoughts like that? yum. mother
Either you want to feel more sane by comparison or you want to feel validated that you are not alone.
probably a combination of both… loool. xo