At the end of the year, it’s very common to find the internet and magazine racks at supermarkets brimming over with “BEST OF” lists or “Man of the Year” proclamations.
As such, I thought it best to write down some lists you will never see.
And so it begins. Sweet Mother’s Worst Lists of 2012:
Things You Will Most Likely Own if You Are Under 40
Debt
A Bike
Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, 4Square, Linkedin, Google+, WordPress, Tumblr, Youtube accounts…Oh, wait, YOU don’t own those.
Socks and T-Shirts
A kid or a dog
An attitude
A FECKIN’ REWARDS CARD FOR EVERYWHERE: duane reade, cvs, ralph’s, gas stations, vons, bev mo, costco, starbux, feck me, feck me, feck me…
NOT A HOUSE
Worst Substitutes for Coffee
Being chased by a man with a chainsaw
Heroin/ Cocaine
Having your undercarriage groped on mass transit
Having your eye held open w/ some kind of eye-vice like they used in Clockwork Orange and then having steroid drops dripped into it
I would’ve preferred a Starbucks.
Worst Excuses for Not Getting a Job
The economy is bad.
They’ve outsourced my skills to Indiana.
I’m a comedian.
Things that shouldn’t be used in place of condoms
Saran Wrap
New Skin Liquid Bandage
Sausage casing
Fruit Roll Up
A Bridal Veil
Cobwebs
Worst Christmas Presents
Anything the bank is giving away for free
Anything your Aunt Judy gives you
De-icing Salt
Socks
Phlegm (I mean there’s a “g” in it! Why is there a feckin’ “g” in it??!!)
Worst Ways to Spend an Office Break
Run into traffic
Flood the office toilet
Throw your lit cigarette on to the terrace below and set building on fire
Talking to Phil
Waiting for an over-priced sandwich
Worst Magazine Lists of 2012
Most Successful People Under Age 25
Most Successful People Under Age 18
Most Successful People Under Age 12
Most Successful People Under Age 4
Most Successful People Who Aren’t You
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I could go on and on and on, but I don’t want to hurt you. Anyway, Merry, Merry to everyone and lots of love to you and yours.
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This goes at the top of best list post ever! I especially like the list of things that shouldn’t be used in place of condoms.
Happy Holidays Sweet Mother. Thank you so very much for the gift of laughter you’ve given me. I look forward to bwwwwhhhaaaas and lols and lmaos and roflmaos in 2013. I hope the Mayan’s were just too busy smokin’ weed to complete that calendar.
honies! glad you enjoyed. and thank YOU for making my blog such a lovely place to be this past year. honestly, momma so appreciates it. and the mayans are lyin’s. i should slap myself for that one…loool. xo, sm
who knew? you’re a poet! try not to slap yourself silly SM~~ happens to me all the time!
On the under 40 list I have everything except for an attitude. Sometimes.
The attitude develops after 40.
that could be the thing. i’m stuck right at the margins, as per usual. looool. xo
well, when it hits ya, be ready for some fun. it’s like a cheetah power surge. yeah, that’ll give you a tude!
i second your sometimes and raise you an “only on alternate wednesdays.” lool. xoxox, sk, xoxox
Haha
Also thing that shouldn’t be used in place of a condom:
prayer.
ohmyfeckin’god, i love you. that is both hilarious and true, which is the best kind of joke. looooooooooool. xoxoxo, sm
lmao. You win again, SM. Love it as usual.
Thank you for another post of smiles.
my pleasure, foster. it’s all momma had today! but, damn it, it will do! xoxox
It will do just fine. When you gonna check your e-mail again?
wait, where did you send that? sweet mother? send it here – beckydonohue@me.com – i’m retarded at checking that other one…
A fruit roll-up condom. Ha! Talk about having your cake and eating it too…
(Can’t believe I just posted this comment. You won’t tell anyone, will you?)
nope, i’ll just let them read it.
looooooool. love you, rubes, love you. xo
Wait, you bank somewhere where they give stuff away? Better hold on to it, might be worth something, someday…
xoxoM
like water bottles and oven mitts and beer cozies. they ain’t worth shite! looool. xoxox, sm
Cobwebs work! Well, cobwebs over a Fruit Roll-up.
bwwwahhhhhaa, both dusty and delicious, maybe? eeeewwwwwwwww!
I know a guy that really used saran wrap and a rubber band out of desperation (he has a daughter from this ‘incident). Why is it the people that shouldn’t reproduce, do it so well?
I like your under 40 list – I have all of those things – even a Not A House.
no.no.nooooo. to the saran wrap and the rubber band. dear god. some ladies will let anything into their vjayjay. the ‘not a house’ is a big one, isn’t it… loool. i laughed ’til i cried. xoxo, sm
Dear lord baby Voldemort…what scares me mabukach is that your story reminds me of someone that I know. He was trying to create “condom shorts” for THE longest time which are essentially a pair of boxer briefs that has a hole cut out of them…the condom actually extends into the hole and “held” together by a metal ring.
When I started grilling him on certain aspects like using non-toxic glue so as not to poison the using parties, he got all flustered. I expect a child from him soon too…
Now coffee *mixed* with coke…you really got something there.
I’m wondering now if my peeps would add “anything Aunt Lorri gives you” to the list of worst Christmas Presents. I’m thinking I need to go buy a stack of iTunes cards so that I can stay off that list – whew!
I made the best dressed blogger list which is weird because I usually blog wearing only my Spider-Man boxer shorts.
New Skin Liquid Bandage is The Best.
Eeewww sausage casing. I just got so grossed out hahaha.
You made me cry again, Mama. That “Most Successful” section is me to a T. My kids are more successful than I am and they are 5 and 2. But I wasn’t crying because I was sad (well, maybe a little). And I think it would be fun to flood the office bathroom at break time, as long as it’s not my office/house. These toilets are flooded enough because of aforementioned kids.
P.S. Phlegm is probably the stupidest word in the English language. Followed by any word that had a silent ‘b’ like lamb, plumb, and dumb.
Phenomenal article! Just the laugh I needed this morning, thank you
What great lists! Sweet Mom, you are on a roll!
this is like the funniest list ever…
Being chased by a man with a chainsaw instead of a cup of coffee to stay awake…hahaha…