Okay, I can NOT believe I’ve gone this long – over 160 posts – without doing the required, “how in the feck did these people get to my blog?” post. How, indeed? I’ve hit my stats page. I’ve had 3/4 of a bottle of wine. (Don’t worry this post was written in advance, at night. I’m not much of a day drinker. Unless, of course it’s vacation time, which I’m most likely on right now!) So, I’ve had this bottle of wine and I’ve hit my stats page, you know, like b*tch slapped it. Like really hit it. Like spent the evening with it. What I found appalled me. In fact, I was so taken aback that I decided to write individual letters to the most ludicrous (or inventive?) of the google searchers. Here it is, in all its glory, for your reading pleasure:
Crazy search term, number uno: “what do gay men do who are called “walkers””
The “walkers” was even in quotes. So, now I have to look something up. Goddermn it. I went to google and I put in the search term, “gay men who are called walkers” and my post came up third. It was a post in which I talked about how lesbians need their own “fag hags,” but these fag hags need to be straight men. Straight men who are slightly geeky and could fix your computer, but yet still ride a motorcycle. These are dudes who really like women. They like being around gay women because they like women, but the flirting, sexual stuff makes them all awkward. So, they act as the wing men to gay girls and then they pick up the stray gay girls who aren’t sure or who are bi. I like to think of these men as, “Lez Luthers.” Somewhere in there, I’m sure, someone mentioned that gay men used to be known as “walkers.” Which meant they “walked” straight women where ever they needed to go. You know, back in the day when a lady needed to be walked to the store like a pooch or when she needed a hanky thrown over a puddle or something like that. I have no letter to write to this individual. I actually feel that this search term was a valid archaeological dig of gay. I like to think I’ve come up with a lot of terms for the new gay. There’s She-sus Christ (like jesus, but a lady), blasting (like a finger bang, but confetti comes out), and Lez Luther (a fag hag for a gay girl), just to name a few. This person was digging, I can only assume in an archaeological manner. Just as I would do, after several glasses of wine. They were digging for gay. I say, dig away!
Search term 2: “fat women love wearing pink sweatpants”
Okay, what the feck?
Dear Fat Women,
I can only assume fat broads love wearing sweatpants of every color. I can also only assume from the bizarre nature of your search that you are an a**hole. What do you care what a fat broad wears? She-sus Christ, grow a pair. And guess what, the fat broad in the pink sweats probably doesn’t want you either.
Next.
Mother.
I say, kiss it.
Search term #3: “bitch i’m fabulous dog”
Dear Bitch,
I love you. I see your search terms as less of a search term and more of a cry of self acceptance. I picture you lighting up a hookah pipe (Sorry, I’m not good at anything stronger), writing some poetry, dancing around in your underwear, and then screaming, “Bitch, I’m fabulous, dawg.” You love the statement so much that you type it into google and you end up at my blog.
Sometimes google gets it right.
Much love,
Mother
Search term #4: “if a kerchief dipped in chloroform is kept on the nose for 1 hr will the person die”
Dear Kerchief,
You are bonzai-nutso. Please tell me your real name, so I can warn everyone close to you. Please stop visiting my blog. You are scary.
Thank you very much.
Motherfecker. (in order to seem more intimidating…)
Um, please unfollow.
Search term #5: “best korean hermaphrodite”
Dear Best,
I don’t know how in the f you got to my site. I can only guess you were very disappointed once you arrived. But, if you must know — her name is Karen.
Thank you and your welcome.
Mother.
Search term #6: “mens having sex with 2 sister and mom”
Dear Mens,
No.
Mother.
Search term #7: “sweet mother of gonga”
Dear Gonga,
I’m glad she exists, but I am not her.
So sorry.
Momma
Maybe this is her?
Search term #8: “sweet bare ass”
Dear Sweet,
I can appreciate your search for sweet bare ass. I believe I have provided a picture or two containing what you wish for surrounded by a plethora of annoying words. I believe that there are other “archives” out there with less distractions where you can go straight to the bare ass if you so desire, but, either way, I’m glad we’ve passed each other in the night.
Much love,
Mother.
Search term #9: “smooshed nose rabbits”
Dear Smooshed,
I’m glad you came right after “sweet bare asses” in my search term stats. Some how, some way, some part of me, finds you both to be comforting in the same way. I mean look:
I mean…
COME ON!
Don’t you feel good now? I know I do.
Love,
Sweet Mother
Search term #10: “crotch squeeze”
Dear Crotch,
Don’t squeeze. Release. That is the secret of life.
Yours in looseness,
Mother.
Search term #11: “borg lesbian”
Dear Borg,
Yes, please. I would love to see you and your unhuman-lezzie-rigidity. Please send photo immediately.
Yours in robotics and queerdom,
Mother.
Search term #12: “gourounia”
Okay, apparently gourounia from what I can see means “Pigs” in greek. How in the feck? Why in the feck? Fine, gourounia-seekers look through my site for the gourournia. Now, I suspect you will do so even more, since I’ve said gourounia several times. But, don’t be surprised if I call you a “mounotricha.” Sorry, but you asked for it.
Search term #13: “hot naked chicks with open legs and nice vaginas”
Really?
Search term #14: “why can’t i hold all these dicks”
Dear Why,
Sometimes the key is quality and not quantity. That might solve your problem. If it doesn’t, well, then dial a friend.
Much love,
Mother.
Anyway, I could go on and on, but – CLEARLY – that’s enough vulgarity for one day. Thank you for indulging me. Sadly, when I’ve had a little wine, I could go through those f’en search terms all day.
Here’s to the next fella who googles “sweet clits” and much to his disappointment, finds me. 😉
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Photo credits: pink-sweats, hannibal, bunny, butt, weeds
Sweet Mother 
