With Obama’s “State of the Union” address happening tonight, I’ve been thinking a lot about the welfare of this great nation. Thankfully, I’ve also come up with some thought provoking solutions. I’m thinking the Pres is going to address terrorism and probably mention healthcare. He’ll mention terrorism, as in, “Hey, I’m the guy who got Osama, remember that when you vote!” and he’ll mention healthcare because it’s required. Not mentioning healthcare would be akin to Suze Orman avoiding the discussion of money or Oprah avoiding talk of the spirit.
However, I don’t think either party is going to mention the one thing that I think could both bolster healthcare AND defeat terrorism – LESBIANS.
Let me explain.
First off, the brand of lesbian is very important in this context. If we’re talking healthcare, the type of lesbian required is a dyed-in-the-wool, short haired, button down shirt, teva-sandal-wearing lesbian. Portia di Rossi would is useless in this context, as are half of the women on both the real and fake L Words. What you would need is a Nathan Lane-looking woman. I think the reason is somewhat self explanatory, I mean just think about what these women have done for the welfare of our great nation’s cat population. But, if you need more meat to your Lesbo-Care argument, then let me illustrate further. These women are by their very nature – caregivers. That is why there is very little aesthetic difference between a lesbian who looks like she knows her way around a campground and a straight, soccer mom. In some ways, like care giving, their resume circles intersect.
If you need even further, irrefutable data, I can give you no better example than what follows. My wife has a lesbian cousin of the button down shirt, teva-sandal-wearing variety. The teva lesbian has a girlfriend of many years. They live together. Teva lesbian’s girlfriend works in an assisted living facility. One day, teva lesbian’s girlfriend brought home a retarded person. Let me reiterate that – she brought home a retarded person – for them to live with – FOREVER. Now, my wife is a veterinarian. If she brought home a puppy without consulting me, I’d be miffed, but a full grown retarded person?! There are no words! Okay, there are some. Here is a general list of acceptable items to bring home from work for your family:
1. If you work in a restaurant – snacks or takeaway food.
2. In an office – office supplies.
3. In retail – t-shirts, leg warmers, clothing of most kinds.
NOT A LIVING, BREATHING, GROWN ADULT, RETARDED PERSON. Now, of course, I know that “retarded” is not the most politically correct term to be using. In polite, public, conversation, it’s probably better to say slow or special or mentally disabled. However, I feel that if I did not use the slang, sometimes derogatory word – retarded – then the full weight of this event would not rest with the required underline that it needs in the reader’s mind.
I like my gay. I enjoy it. It is part of me. However, if you are retarded, I am probably not going to bring you home. Heck, if you have all of your faculties, I’m probably not going to bring you home. If you have a need for some type of care, be it physical or mental – you need to seek out a teva-sandals, khaki pants wearer who enjoys the company of other women. One of them will take care of you, for they are better people than I.
On to terrorism. Have you not seen, “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”? If you haven’t – spoiler alert – that’s the kind of lesbian you need to fight terrorists. You need a punk-assed, mohawk wearing, more piercing holes than swiss cheese, leather-clad, lesbian. Oh and she may f*ck a dude for blood sport, but that’s all it is – sport. Now, the punk, bordering on goth lesbian with an axe to grind may not be more physically capable than one of our navy seals – let’s say – but, she will be more sadistic and clever. This cleverness can also lead to prevention. For example, not only will she blackmail the terrorist, but she will also tattoo a message on its forehead, such as:
“I am a terrorist. Do not sell me any bomb making materials.”
Not only will this make it difficult for any would be terrorist to buy bleach – ever – but, it will also ensure a lifetime on the no-fly list. As a side-note – these punk lesbians could also be integral in the anti-drug war. Imagine meth makers with the following tattoo prominently displayed on their craniums:
“Don’t sell me Claritin. I’m a meth head.”
Finally, we can take those allergy meds out from under lock and key to be enjoyed by the responsible rest of us!! Now, wouldn’t that be a brave, new, world?
As you can see, Lesbo-Care is a no-cost solution for a lot of what ails our great country.
But, what about “lipstick” lesbians, you might ask? What’s her place in all this? Well, the lipstick lesbian’s job is to queer off with straight girls. When a straight girl is questioning, a lipstick lesbian is an easy remedy for the fairer sex to get her ya-yas out. If she’s truly straight, her lipstick-lesbian-queer-off will solidify her in the straight column. (Hello, that’s more efficient than the “Defense of Marriage Act”!) However, if she’s truly gay, she’ll join the ranks of the lipsticks and if she’s bi – everyone’s f*cked.
I think this all demonstrates the value that Lesbo-Care can bring to our great nation. My only hope is that Obama will mention it in his speech tonight. Though, I think it’s doubtful. It’s hard for people to have vision these days. In fact, we’ve become so myopic that it’s depressing. If it depresses me any more, I may need to talk to someone about it. But, I can’t afford therapy. So, I’ll have to go find a lesbian…