Erin Brocko-bitch, Part 1

Lisa Stansis had always been obsessed with Erin Brockovich.  But, it wasn’t until her ex-best friend lobbied to get a new stop sign at the Debois Blvd intersection that she really felt the fires burning under her ass.  She had always been competitive with Cheryl, but now that her stupid stop sign was all over the local news, it was time to take it up a notch.  So, Lisa formed the Erin Brocko-bitches club.  They were to meet every Tuesday down at the Brew Bean.

As Lisa sipped a soy latte, she looked out over her newly formed group of Erin Brocko-bitches with disappointment.  Only 4 ladies had shown up.  2 overweight soccer moms – each with an infant, an unemployed poet, and a cat lady.  Each one of them looked sadder then the next.  Forget the brainstorming.  This group couldn’t even cause a brain-flutter.  How in the hell was she going to find a cause now?

That’s when she saw him.  That damned lawyer, again, she thought, looking up over her group of misfits towards the courtyard door.  She had seen the lawyer a million times around her small town.  He was an educated man who had come back to the place after his grandfather’s passing to take over the good man’s law firm.  He was an out of towner, for sure.  Out of towners were never good because they never stayed for too long.  He was coming this way carrying his tray.  Lisa sighed and called the meeting to order.

“Okay, so, have we found anything that needs fixing in this podunk town?  There has got to be something.  Have we been asking around?  Any ideas, ladies?  Definitely speak up.  We won’t know if it’s a good idea or not until we hear it,” she said.

The four women were silent.  The lawyer stood at the receptacle area throwing his garbage away and trying to pretend like he wasn’t looking.  But, Lisa knew he was.  She always wore a plunging neckline.  It was like a man magnet.  The lawyer had his neck craned so far around, she thought he’d fall over like a spinning top.

One of the soccer moms moved her infant out from under her arm and laid him across her lap.  Then she lifted up her oversized Indiana University sweatshirt and stuck the little tyke underneath.  You couldn’t see his head any more, so it looked like her breast was growing legs.

“What about the cafeteria food?” Lisa continued.  “I think this whole school district needs a once over from someone with authority or at least someone British, like Jamie Oliver.  My daughters are getting fat around the thighs.  Whenever I ask them what they’ve had for lunch, the answer is always tater tots.  Monday, tater tots, Tuesday, tater tots, Wednesday…”

A young man with angry hair in a Brew Bean apron marched over to their little circle.

“Ma’am.  Ma’am.  You can’t do that here,” he said to the soccer mom.

“I’m sorry.  What?” she said.

“You can’t expose yourself like that in here.  It’s upsetting the other customers,” he said with visible steam rising up out of his spiked do.

“She’s not exposing herself.  She’s breast-feeding, you dunce,” said Lisa.

Lisa was always one to speak her mind.  That and the plunging neckline kept the men revolving in and out of her life like dim sum on a lazy susan.

“Ok, no name calling, lady, okay!” he stamped.  His hair stood at attention.  It matched his emotion and crisscrossed like swords at a military wedding.  “We have rules against this kind of thing in the store and if you don’t comply we’ll have to call the police.”

“The police?  Wow, you really are a little maggot, aren’t you?” said Lisa.

“I said no name calling, lady.  Do that again and I’m dialing 911.”

“911?  This is not an emergency…this is just a kid getting fed…,” she said.

The lawyer had walked over to the group and stood opposite Brew Bean boy.  There was a certain air of calm about the lawyer.  Even his jeans looked like they were resting.  His t-shirt lounged across his muscular chest.  His leather jacket slid down the length of his back.  Lisa re-focused her gaze on Brew Bean.  She didn’t want to get too distracted by Mr. Living is Easy.

“What seems to be the trouble here, ladies?” he asked.

“This numbskull is all over Rachel just for breast-feeding her baby!” yelled Lisa.

“I can stop,” said Rachel.  “Really it’s no trouble.  I can feed him at home.  Besides it’s a bit drafty in here.”

“What, no way.  That’s got to be discrimination or something.  Isn’t it?” asked Lisa.

“Listen, just pull your shirt down and we won’t have an issue,” said Brew Bean.  “It makes people lose their appetites.  They come here to sip java and eat lemon cakes.  They don’t want to see a side of lady-areola.”

“Now you’ve done it!” Lisa bellowed.

“I’m going to have to ask you to cease and desist,” said the Lawyer to Brew Bean.

“What?” said Brew Bean.

“You need to cease and desist or I’m going to sue you for harassing these fine ladies,” said the Lawyer.

“Sue?!” yelled Brew Bean boy.

“Oh, there’s no need for that,” said Rachel pulling her sweat shirt back down and sitting her baby upright on her lap.

“Rachel, you get that tit back out right now!” screamed Lisa.  “Right now you get that tit back out, you hear me!  We’re not letting this man, here, scare your breast away.  Take it out, right now.”

Rachel shook and lifted her sweatshirt back up as Lisa made a move towards her.  It was obvious Lisa was going to stick the baby back on her nipple whether she liked it or not.  Rachel threw her hand up to stop her and nudged the fussy baby back to feed.  The baby giggled and latched on.

“This is not funny,” said Brew Bean looking down at Rachel and her baby.

“No one’s laughing,” said the Lawyer.

“The baby laughed!” he said.

“Really?  You’re worried about a laughing infant, you imbecile.  Can you please go back to annoying your employees,” said Lisa.

Brew Bean seemed to stare a hole right through Lisa’s face.  He didn’t seem to notice her cleavage at all, which made Lisa think that he didn’t swing her way, which was alright by her.  Then he looked up at the lawyer.  The lawyer stared right back at him.  Brew Bean went on his way.

“Thank you,” said Lisa to the lawyer.  She noticed him glancing back down at her cleavage and that comforted her in a small way.  Sometimes that’s all it took to know the world was alright.

He nodded.  “You have a good eye for justice.  You should come and work for me,” he said.

A job! Lisa thought.  A real job that included straightening people out?  This was right up her alley.

“You make a living defending mommas?” she asked.

“No, mostly car wrecks and lead paint cases, but I do have an interesting one that fits in line with this here.  I’m not saying we can crack it, but if you like, you can take a look at the files,” he said.

“Is this gonna pay?” she asked.  “Because I need to get paid.  I have a family and bills.  I need my time to be valued.”

“If you find something in those files, I’ll pay ya.  How’s that sound?” said the Lawyer.

“It sounds like you’re cheap,” she said.

He laughed.  “I am cheap, but I’m good,” he said.

“Hmm, well, the same thing has been said about me.  So, I guess we have that in common,” Lisa smiled.

The lawyer smiled right along with her.

“Is the meeting over?” asked Rachel.  “Cause I have to pick up my kids at soccer.”

But, Lisa didn’t respond.  She was too busy basking in the glory of having found her new cause.  Working for a real lawyer would trump any little, old, traffic sign.  Lisa was going to get one up on Cheryl.  She was going to beat her with the best revenge of all – her own success.

***Stay tuned for Erin Brocko-bitch, Part 2, tomorrow.

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