The Happiest Place on Earth

So, wifesy LOVES Disneyland.  She is a full grown woman and, as such, regularly lives out the lyrics of Mary J. Blige.  However, Disney is her Star Trek.  She loves the damn thing.  She owns like hundreds of Disney movies and her eyes twinkle like a little kid at the mention of actually going to the theme park.

Now, Disney is wifesy’s nerd streak.  To me, any respectable person has one.  One of mine is comedy.  You can put on the Sirius comedy channel – blind fold me and 9 times out of 10 I can name the comedian just by hearing the voice and the bit.  Wifesy is definitely a Disney and a music nerd.  To say that I am not is an understatement.  I often – to her horror – confuse Def Leppard and Led Zeppelin.  So, it wouldn’t surprise me if I couldn’t separate Tiger from Goofy in a lineup.  But, as a married couple often does, we tolerate eachother’s foibles.  When we entered the land o’ Disney, there was no question, I was definitely a neophyte on this planet.  Wifesy, thankfully, was happy to act as my translator.

Hurry up and wait
If you know anything about Disney, as wifesy does, you know which rides to wait for and which ones to skip.  I was grateful for this because if I were solo, I easily could’ve waited on a line for 2 hours only to float down a man-made river on a beat up dingy surrounded by animatronic ‘wild’ animals and the tour guides bad jokes.  It could happen.  Okay, maybe it did.  But, only once.  Mainly, wifesy saved me from this torture.    It was only top quality for us – the Indiana Jones ride, Space Tours, Splash Mountain, and Astro Blasters – to name our faves.  If you know anything about Disney you know that once you get there it’s a lot of “hurry up and wait”.  The lines can be an hour long or more.  However, you can do things like “fastpass” it.  This is a system where you stick your ticket into a machine and it tells you to come back within a certain time where you can bypass the whole line.  Usually, your fastpass time is hours and hours later.  So, the end result is waiting, eating a lot, walking around to see which rides you can’t do and then your last hour in the park – racing around like an idiot to get all the good sh*t in.  But, wifesy’s eyes were all a twinkle, her cheeks had a rosy hue, and I’ll be damned if I were going to stop this merriment.  Plus, I was enjoying the darn day too.

Tiger, from a distance, ’cause I ain’t waitin’ on that line!

I can’t believe Disney makes them do this.
Disney is like a G rated bachelor party.  If you’ve ever watched a bachelor party out of control (especially one in the UK), you’ll find yourself saying things like, “Is that drunk cockroach doing a body shot off that centipede’s left breast?”  In the UK, not only are the brides and grooms out of control – just as they are in the U.S. – but, they also dress up like it’s Halloween.  It’s magnificent because if one is to throw up three times, in three different taxis, one might as well do so dressed as Little Bo Peep.  It makes perfect sense to me anyway.  Disney is like that minus the booze.  All day, I saw grown men wearing Mickey ears atop their manly backwards baseball caps.  I mean, where else can you see grown men in Pinocchio outfits and pirate gear?  The poor, male, staff at the lunch joint had to wear a number that consisted of a poofy-sleeved shirt, a loosey-bow tie/ ribbon-thingy, and an apron.  This particular outfit prompted wifesy to cry, “How can they do that to them?  That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen!”  Indeed.  It occurred to me that Disneyland is the place where heteros go to be gay for the day.  I say, let them.  Even the breeders are entitled to a little fun.

Sparkly, happy, fun-time bars for gays and straights alike.

The rides, oh, the rides
Indiana Jones was my first real ride of the day.  I went to Disney as a kid, but I was 8, so I don’t remember a thing.  In the current Indiana Jones ride, you sit in a mock, open-sided jeep that tears through the jungle.  Both times I got to drive.  (Wifesy tells me this is very rare.)  I don’t know what I was expecting, but it was not what happened.  The ride began and I started to cackle like a school girl who had swallowed a witch.  I was beside myself with giddiness and I’m pretty sure my hair was sticking straight out on the sides.  Star Tours was up next and it is probably the closest any blogger will ever get to being in an actual flight simulator.  You strap yourself into that thing and a combination of a tilting floor, 3-D glasses, and chairs so high you feel like you can’t touch the ground, really makes you feel like you’re soaring through some other galaxy.  I roared and wailed through that one like Paula Deen eating a Krispy Kreme.  The woman next to me screamed, “I don’t like this.”  To which I said, “Too late now!”  And we enjoyed a communal moment often missed in the land where every individual is crammed into their own car and hurtling down the highway.  The last ride we rode was Splash Mountain.  I called the ride, “Happy Land, TERROR.”  Because that’s what it was.  The log-flume floats through these different rooms that are so happy you almost feel medicated, then out of no where the log plunges about 50 feet straight down to what is surely your immediate death.  Somehow you come out of it soaked, but very much alive.  The ride took a picture of our log-luge during the last terrifying drop (which happened right after some rabbits sang about the glory of life).  The picture was adorable, except I’m not in it.  You can see wifesy’s joyous face, her arms exalted in a bring-it-on expression, and all you can see of me is my arms wrapped around wifesy.  My head was buried somewhere deep down on the floor of the log-luge, praying those little braying, life-affirming, rabbits would go f*ck themselves because I was clearly about to die.

It was ridiculous.  It was wonderful.  We were both like little kids again.

We came home late and fell into bed.  Here, wifesy started to get a bit frisky.  In response, I said, “Listen, you can get on this ride, but you can’t fastpass it.  Fastpass is closed for the evening.”  She cackled like the little kid that she is inside, but smiled at me like a woman.  For me, that’s the happiest place on earth.  Lucky me.  Weeeeee!


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19 thoughts on “The Happiest Place on Earth

  1. Hilarious! As a child I watched so much Disney that I could answer every question in Disney Trivial Pursuit and even spot the mistakes. But, alas, no more. My girl didn’t gravitate to Disney and I have no idea what is what …

    1. i know. i am clueless too. wifesy though knows everything! so, it was like going with a 4 year old who can pay for things. it was perfect! lol. it would be so fun to take a kid there. oh, well, maybe a gaybe one day…he, he. thanks for reading, gill.

  2. Great story. I’ve never had the opportunity to go to Disney and even though 2 of my 3 children are grown, if I ever came into some money, I’d love to take them anyways. Almost everyone I know has been there at least once in their lifetime. Love the way you describe everything and I liked the ending as well. Sounds like you are both lucky. 😉

    1. god, i LOVE the people on my blog!! you being a great one, wendy. thanks for the tremendously sweet comment. yeah, the one really downside is disney is expensive as F*ck. i kept tabulating how much it would cost to bring a family of four to the place, all day. you’re in montreal, right? one of my favorite cities in the world. i used to date a canadian. it didn’t work out, she went, but my love for canada remained and montreal is one of my fave places on earth. i really want to take wifesy there and show her around. thanks again for reading. xo

      1. I was born and raised in Montreal but for the past several years, I live in Gatineau (not far from Ottawa but still in Quebec). I’m glad you like Canada. It’s a great place. 🙂

  3. omgosh, we used to live 10 minutes from Disneyland and had season passes for a few years. Our two youngest (before we had four) were under three, so they got in free. We’d go for a few hours a few times a week. That’s the best way to get the most from your pass when you live that close. The people who worked there all knew us, and we knew when the best time was to get in line for which rides.

    Disneyland is actually the thing I miss most about SoCal. I thought when we got our passes the first time that I’d be tired of it after a year, but that’s so not how it went.

    1. I know wifesy and I are already thinking about going back. We’re such tools. But, it was so funnnnnnn. thanks for stopping by there too. your blog looks kickass. can’t wait to check it out!

      1. If you’re not all that far away, the season pass is really the way to go. I know it’s more expensive now. I think the way we calculated it was that we only had to go five times for them to be paid for and we went way more than that.

        Thanks for checking me out! I used one of your search terms for my haiku this week. 🙂

      2. omg! i’m honored. i’ll for sure check it out. i know those yearly things are tempting. i’m afraid of such a committment to such a larger-than-life mouse though. lol. who knows, if we go 2 more times, we should definitely get the things. so, thanks for advising! it’s prob the sensible thing to do. 🙂

  4. This is so sweet! and you two had quite the day!

    On a side note, I am not sure why but I have been seeing a lot of geese lately. I actually checked if they walk like the geese in aristocats and by golly! they do! hahaha happiest moment of my day. Ok there there now calm down ria.

    Have you seen Aristocats? I LOVE THAT MOVIE! your wife will know what I am talking about 😀

  5. Great read as always, Mother. I actually went to Disney World with my wife a few years ago for the first time ever, at 39. It was pretty cool. It might be a little more hectic for you when you’re pushing little Gayby around in one of those rented strollers. Those things are everywhere. People must mix up babies all the time there. “Oh well, just ship them to Neverland.” The Peter Pan one, not the Michael Jackson one.

    1. ok, bill, i could do a whole separate post on the peter pan not the michael jackson neverland reference. it made me laugh out loud. yep, we went like two elderly people and rode the rides. the stroller stuff is scary. there were so many of them it felt like some kind of baby apocolypse. (sp?) ugh, i can’t spell check my comments, i’d be here all day! anyway, thankfully no stroller yet because i would’ve lost my mind. we did get our feet run over several times though. people are worse stroller-pushers than they are drivers in california and that’s scary! lol. thanks for reading.

  6. Disney Land or Disney World? We’re going to DW in March and I can’t wait… I love it there! All that fake, colored plastic and singing trees/characters/lamp posts/… all there to make me believe in faeries. Tink is my friend. Love it; and enjoyed reading your take on it. 🙂

    1. thanks for reading, my friend. yep, we went to disneyland, the cali one. i’m from the east coast originally so, as a child i went to DW in fla. my wifesy says that the biggest difference between disneyland and disneyworld is that at disneyland they don’t use plastic. everything is made out of wood, which does make it look cool. maybe that’s because it’s older? i don’t know, but it does give the effect of an old amusement park. thanks for reading. 🙂

    1. i prefer to call myself, sistah. since i am a lady after all. and perhaps since i am the proud owner of a personal vagina (since birth) maybe that is the problem!!! and my wifesy ALSO thinks it’s a criminal act. i’m trying, i’m trying. my head’s just never been able to hold music details. comedy – yes. music – no. lol. thanks for reading that post, tho. – mother

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