I’m inching towards 40 and every time I read a magazine article entitled, “Richest entrepreneurs under the age of 25” – I want to puke. Oprah says there’s no luck. On this point, I would disagree. Paris Hilton is lucky. Plain and simple.
Colonel Sanders, on the other hand, built his KFC franchise at the age of 65 by using his social security check as start up funds. That’s the way I’m moving, like Colonel Sanders, like a slow burn.
This got me thinking about Jesus. I will explain. Jesus was an interesting fellow, I think we can all agree. During his “Jesus year”, the 33rd year of his life and also the year of his death, Jesus was more productive than a bipolar patient during a manic phase.
Here’s just a brief list of some of the things Jesus did between the ages of 30 – 33:
He was baptized, fasted 40 days, and ignored a temptation call by the devil. He performed the wedding feast miracle. Then he expelled the buyers and the sellers out of the temple. He cured some lepers, healed a man who was sick for 38 years, picked his apostles, gave his Sermon on the Mount, gave sight to the blind, turned a few loaves of bread into multitudes, exorcised some demons, and resuscitated Lazarus. That’s not an exhaustive list either, just a taste.
When I was between the ages of 30 – 33, I shot a tv show and ran 26 miles.
Basically, I’m a f*ck-about when compared to Jesus.
However, I don’t totally think it’s entirely my fault. Technology has made me lazy.
Life expectancy in Jesus times
The jury is really divided on this, but it seems that during the time of Jesus most people lived to around their 30’s. So, of course, Jesus was in a rush. Wouldn’t you be in a rush if you only had 6 more years to live? Forget about the fact that once your dad tells you about the crucifixion that shortens those 6 years to only 3!
Frozen eggs and the internet
The me of right now and the you of right now, we can do a lot of things that people alive in the time of Jesus couldn’t. Women – we can freeze our eggs. Put them on the shelf, wait, and cook them when we are ready. Men – you can leave your sperm in a sealed container and have it checked into a database with a receptionist. These frozen eggs and sperm can meet whenever they like. In fact, they can even meet after both donators are already dead! Literally, creating life after death. If that’s not miraculous, then I don’t know what is. So, unbelievably, we can make these deposits and then whittle away the rest of our 70 or so years typing out things with our thumbs on little tablets that get beamed into space and then with the speed of light land on someone else’s little tablet all the way out in Australia somewhere. Needless to say, we feel like we have a lot of time. Time for Basketball Wives and World of Warcraft. Time to waste.
The missing Jesus years
Now, this all led to another illuminating thought. How come we never hear about Jesus’s childhood? We hear about his birth. Hell, we start hearing about his birth during Thanksgiving thanks to those shopping commercials. Seriously, think about it, we know about his birth and we know about those 3 years from ages 30 to 33. Yet, there is almost NOTHING written about Jesus’s childhood. Where did he go to school? Was he bullied? Was he a bully? The class clown? Best hair? Did he ever spontaneously change the lunch menu because he was sick of tater tots? Did he show off at swim practice by taunting all his teammates with the whole walk on water thing? We don’t know. Because there’s nothing written. Barely at all. For the most part, we don’t exactly know where he was during this time.
I’d say he was at a prestigious boarding school.
Yep, I think Jesus went to a boarding school for young prophets. If Harry can go to one for wizards then Jesus can go to one for saviors. I presume he wore a nice coat and tie there, a la Dead Poet’s Society, grey trousers, and – of course – sandals. He went to boarding school and came back a carpenter.
I believe yesterday’s carpenter is today’s graphic designer.
As a carpenter, way back, people listened to your message. Why? Because you could make something out of nothing. Look, friends, here’s an old log. Come back in a few hours and it will be a dining room chair. “Ooooohhhh, aaaaaaaah,” the masses would say. “Okay, you’ve got my attention – now, what was it you wanted to impart about these commandments?” Today this holds true for graphic designers and web programers. You have this crazy thought in your head and – due to your expensive training at the Winkowsky School for Visual Arts – you can turn it into a vibrant, clickable, laugh-out-loud funny website. That’s how you get the Oatmeal. People will listen to your message. You can make it look pretty. People like pretty.
The rich seem to perform miracles.
Just ask anyone who’s attended one of Oprah’s “Favorite Things” episode and they’ll tell you how miraculous money is. They walked into the studio without a brand new car and left the studio WITH a brand new car, and a cuisinart, and a lifetime’s supply of leggings, and a slanket. That’s something out of nothing.
There’s also a sense of security in knowing you can fail and daddy’s gonna clean it up. Or rather daddy’s money is gonna clean it up. Or sh*t, your money is. Witness, Oprah’s attempt to make the failed movie Beloved. Yes, it caused her to depressively eat a vat of macaroni and cheese, but it did NOT permanently injure her account balance. That is stunning.
Maybe Jesus took some comfort in the fact that God was going to resurrect him after the crucifixion. Now, I’m not saying a crucifixion is easy. I mean, my parent’s have made me do some difficult things in the name of betterment, but it never included hammering nails into my wrists. However, powerful parents CAN give their trust fund kids – a safety net and hope. I’m going to let them kill you, but I’m also going to bring you back from the dead. Ultimately, you’re safe. Thanks, Dad.
What I’m trying to say is that if you’re looking for the second coming of the messiah – you might want to try a rich, graphic designer with a kick-ass website or blog under the age of 25, who went to boarding school. He or she just might be the one. That’s how I think Christ is going to come back.
In the meantime, I’m going to sit here and pray for a stigmata to overcome me while I try to finish my book. I haven’t finished it by my “Jesus Year”, but maybe I can accomplish it by my “Elvis Year”, which is around age 42. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll shoot for my “Colonel Sanders Year”, which is an expression no one uses, but me. That would give me until about age 65.
My Elvis Year is a little over two years away, so maybe I should get moving. Or I can procrastinate on facebook a little while longer, after all, I’ve got time. And hell, if I don’t manage to accomplish anything, I can always leave orders to unfreeze my eggs, couple them with another individual’s oops-the-clock-ran-out DNA and we can hope our kid will do something.
That’s if he or she doesn’t get sidetracked by the computer screen genetically evolved into their corneas. Heck, maybe my Jesus-baby will be smart enough to make that image into a cartoon and put it up on his blog. I’m guessing kids will automatically be able to build websites, in the year 2030, like we can build fires with the click of a lighter. But, for now, all I can do is write it out…like an ancient stone mason chiseling a message out on a rock while the wagon I’m riding clip-clops forward. Hopefully, someone will hear me anyway. It’s a longshot, but one can hope.
I received a blog award! Yay! You can click here to read all about it. Forgive me for not putting it on the homepage post, I’m working on writing one completely unique piece a day and I didn’t want to give up on that – so I’ve dedicated a page to it. Big Thank you to Ally for the award!
Sweet Mother is updated daily. Click the “follow” button at the top of the blog to read the new stuff.