World’s Most Annoying Lesbian Things List

These things annoy me about the world of lesbos.  I have written them down.

  • Bad footwear.  The lesbian is known for the Birkenstock and the Teva.  Both types of sandals that I abhor.  I have always preferred a Louboutin or a trendy sneaker.  Since we are, in some ways, the opposite of nuns – we should have footwear that reflects this, as opposed to paralleling it.  And we should also never say, “footwear”.  That is the last time I will ever do so.  Maybe.

No.

  • Apparently, all I care about is dogs.  I used to like people.  I used to even hang out with them.  Now, I write and take care of 3-4 legged creatures.  In my previous Manhattan days – oh, not so long ago – the only dogs that interested me were the ones in Koreatown and they were on the menu.  But, alas, I have changed and I love these furry, little, f*cks.  Thankfully, I have kept my no-cats gene.  Cats is going too far for me.  I have this reoccurring vision/ nightmare/ panic attack where I’m found naked from the waist up – yet wearing polyester pants – with kibbles and bits trickled across my headlights.  The paramedics find me lying there with a gaggle of cats pecking at my eyes and tender bits.  Didn’t think cats could peck, did you?  Well, I assure you, they can!  At least a dog will try and whimper for help when I fall off the side of a mountain.
  • Defending gay.  When you’re gay, you’re always put into positions where you have to defend it or announce it.  It gets exhausting.  For this, wifesy and I have the “cabbie-hubby” rule.  Meaning, if you are ever caught in a cab with a faceless, nameless, cab driver and he insists on ranting on and on about your husband and how “ladies are like this” and “I bet your husband thinks this or says only that” – when this occurs, we are allowed to just go with it.  In cabs only.  Because everyone needs a f*cken break from time to time.
  • Shitty lesbo bars.  About the only thing worse than lesbian bars is campfire, folk music.  You know what I mean by campfire folk music?  Little ditties sung with guitars and tambourines re-telling the story of a starving Appalachian family and how they survived on love and the rind of one lone banana.  Eck.  Lesbo bars can be like that.  Usually painted a pepto bismal pink with a forest green trim…Okay, not always, but it feels like that.  You walk in, Melissa Etheridge is playing on the jukebox, and three other wanna be lesbos – just out of college – are playing a game of pool.  The rest of the bar is empty.  Apparently, lesbian bars are ridiculously difficult to run from an economic standpoint because when lesbos meet they nest.  When gay guys meet, they go out and meet more gay guys together.  They keep doing this until a parade begins.  Lesbians, apparently, are less social and more “let’s go home and read to each other”.  The lesbian-uhaul-effect has killed the notion that I’ll ever see a decent “ladies only” drinking hole.  So, thankfully, the gay boys are still letting us into theirs.

The only known lesbian bar in Thailand. And guess what…it’s CLOSED DOWN.

  • I never played softball well.  I AM decent at sports, as is the stereotype.  However, when it comes to softball, for me, they should call it a “National suck-time” instead of pastime because I’m lame.  I can hit.  But, then, of course, I get cock-blocked box- blocked by that whole other throwing/ catching part.
  • Fanny packs and izod golf shirts.  This used to be the fashion-onlys for lesbos.  (Along with the requisite footwear, see above.)  Thankfully, that has changed and we can wear whatever the hell we want.  However, I still hope against hope that one day – as a community – we will dress as pirates.  I don’t know why I can’t let this go, but I think it would be grand if people said, “Here come the lesbians,” and all you saw were a group of women in leggings, flamboyant hats, ruffled shirts, and high-legged boots sloshing beer around in beer steins and singing.  That, to me, is the way to make an impression.

These would be some good looking lesbians.

  • Anne Heche.  I’ve included this one for wifesy.  Every time there’s a mention of Anne Heche on television, wifesy loses her mind.  Then she goes on a tirade that sounds something like this, “Frag, Frickin’, Fruargen, Fugen, Anne Heche! Backyard-walking, alien-being, lunatic, nooooo, noooooo!”  She hates Anne Heche.  As she puts it, “She is the C. U. N.ext T.uesday of the universe.”  I know she feels this way because at one time she believed in Anne Heche.  Like really believed in her.  She believed in her seemingly open and honest Oprah interview where she gushed about coming out and explained how it was the most joyous thing that had ever happened to her.  Wifesy thought someone was finally speaking her language.  Someone was finally making things alright for her in a f*cked up world.  It’s sort of how a lot of people felt about Joe Paterno and Penn State.  He was an ideal.  Heche was an ideal for wifesy.  It seems both ideals were shattered.
  • The lack of c*ck.  I’m kidding.  Mine is in my drawer.  Better said – Lots of people think all lesbos need is a good sauerbraten and we’d be “straightened” right out.  Then there’s that other faction of people who tell themselves that lesbos either a) don’t like men or b) can’t get them.  Let me put that one to rest – wifesy dated the captain of the football team in high school.  Sorry, America, but she f*cken did.  I dated every Latino between New York and Cuba, plus a few Italians and a black guy because they sort of seemed Latino.  I believe we can be “changed” about as much as I believe velcro will replace shoelaces for mentally capable adults.  It won’t happen.   So, let’s all just get on board.  Let this lady-pirate lead the way.

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I’ve been nominated for another blog award.  YAY!  By the wonderful and talented, Carrie Rubin.  There are some creative hoops I had to jump through.  In doing so, I talked about even more things that annoy me using every letter of the alphabet.  You can read about it here – Awesome Blog Content Award – as well as see the other blogs I have so knighted.  Thank you, Carrie!

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Sweet Mother is updated daily.  Feel free to check out the ARCHIVES section and follow by clicking the icon at the top of the blog.

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Photo creds:  Teva, Thai gay bar, Pirates, featured image

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27 thoughts on “World’s Most Annoying Lesbian Things List

    1. lol. maybe those shoes are why everyone thinks ever girl in college is a lesbo. or every girl who follows the grateful dead…blinding stereotypes! but, fun nonetheless. 🙂 thanks for swining by and thanks for the award. i had fun doing that.

      1. You’re welcome. Just read your A to Z list. Excellent! I especially enjoyed the Urethra Franklin. 🙂 But do I dare admit, despite all Anne’s lunacy, I still find her a talented actress? (I have a great gift of being able to separate the crazy from the performance. Except when it comes to Tom Cruise :))

      2. listen, anyone who can see tom cruise’s crazy clear as day is okay in my book. i don’t judge. like anne, don’t like anne, but i see wifesy’s point. i was more neutral on the anne thing to be honest, but she LOST me on the ‘i am celestia, the alien’ thing.

  1. Love it all…and here’s stuff I particularly love:

    And we should also never say, “footwear”. That is the last time I will ever do so. Maybe.

    When gay guys meet, they go out and meet more gay guys together. They keep doing this until a parade begins.

    That, to me, is the way to make an impression.

    “Frag, Frickin’, Fruargen, Fugen, Anne Heche! Backyard-walking, alien-being, lunatic, nooooo, noooooo!”

    The lack of c*ck. I’m kidding. Mine is in my drawer.

    ROCKIN’.

  2. I’m not a lesbian, but I still got a HUGE kick out of this. I also think there should have been a category for women who ride around in Subaru Outbacks. When I lived in Seattle it seemed like every lesbian I knew had one.

    1. this blog is written for lesbians and non-lesbians alike. even for danglers. i do not discrimi-hate! anyhoo, i’m glad you liked it. you know living in manhattan for so long, i was car-less, which is why wifesy now makes fun of how i drive. but, i did see that subaru outback thing on the l-word. how in the f did they do that? subaru, i mean. it’s not like the gay boys all drive one car. strange. but, loved the comment and thanks for dropping by, jen.

  3. Another hilarious post. I don’t feel that I am qualified to say that I agree with all of your points (I’m only bi…lol), but the last time I went to a gay bar, the women in there ALL looked like men…if I was looking for a man, I’d go to a normal bar…lol. I ended up having a great night with 2 gay men….very hot and I was extremely pleased that they allowed me into their little circle. 🙂

    1. oh, wendy, what a wicked web you weave! that was such a fun sentence to write. i think that’s the one thing i’ve never been with – a gay man. though i think i made out with one once. but, that’s like the ‘mint on the pillow’ of hooking up – a freebie of sorts. the lesbians – in LA – are hot. seriously, it’s like a competition. i don’t necessarily love that. but, it’s nice to see the rainbow represented in all its flavors from lady-gentlemen to lipstick lesbos. as always, thanks for the great comment. it always brightens my day.

  4. We must do a book tour together one day for I am sure we’ll both be landing grand deals any time now. Even though I’m a manlyman and all, can I still wear a pirate costume when we take the stage? It’ll be the perfect way to show off my wispy little mustache. We shall get you some rockin’ boots to go with your outrageous hat.

    1. oh, tranman, you MUST wear a pirate outfit when we take the stage. and yes, i will wear some sexy, thigh high, shit-kickers, as only a lesbo can. my hat will be more, ‘lady of the red hat society’ because i’m a goof or an a-hole depending on who you ask. lol. what a fun tour that would be, indeed. thanks for reading the post. 😉

      1. Since I live right next to a good ol’ Southern church where the ladies wear giant confections of hats, I’ll try to snag you one. I’ll just cast a fishing line over the fence on Sunday and grab you something. Of course, you might get really lucky and I’ll catch you someone’s weave, too.

      2. oh. my. god. i love that idea. do you think you could get me a weave and a hat in one go? a combo? sort of like a skort. it would be like one of those trucker hats with a mullet attached to the back. a hat and a weave…we’ll have to call it a ‘heave’. have you seen my heave? i hate leaving the house without my heave? ahhhhhhhh, lol. love.

  5. I was reading this post when things with my computer started going whackadoodle.

    “When gay guys meet, they go out and meet more gay guys together. They keep doing this until a parade begins.” — so glad I didn’t have any coffee in my mouth when I read that. Loved, loved your description of lesbian bars. Loved the whole post, as usual, Also love that I can now (for some inexplicable reason) see your back posts, the ones that disappeared on me for days.

  6. ‘Since we are, in some ways, the opposite of nuns – we should have footwear that reflects this, as opposed to paralleling it.’ – this made me laugh so hard! It’s especially relevant, because I’m fretting about what shoes to wear tonight, when I’m going to a very-famous-lesbian bar. I also *love* the idea of lesbians dressed as pirates – why should the gays have all the fun dressing up?

    I discovered your blog two days ago, when you were Freshly Pressed, and, since then, I got lost in the archives. There is so much goodness here, I don’t know where to begin, so I’m only going to say that you rule in so many ways and I’m looking forward to reading a lot more. Love for you and the wifesy!

    1. alice, it is NOT too late for wifesy and i to make you a bridesmaid at our second wedding!! (when they get their heads out of their a**es and federally legalize this sh*t.) anyway, that’s what i thought of your comment – wonderful, it made me smile, and it deserves the high honor of me making you buy a crappy dress. or a pants suit, we’re lesbos, after all. and i am SO with you – why do we let the gay guys have all the fun in the world of fashion?! i am opposed to this. hopefully, we can change it, one girl lovin’ girl at a time. maybe we should have a fanny-pack-burning? it could be fun… anyway, the love is returned. and i hope you stop by here often! hugs and thugs, sweet mother

  7. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wished to say that I have truly loved surfing around your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing for your rss feed and I’m hoping you write again very soon!

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