I think – in life – we often overlook our daily gifts. Even with the appropriate spam blockage filters operating at full tilt on my email software, some valiant spam-soldiers still get through to my inbox. I think it is my duty, at this point, to respond to them for having survived the journey. That’s why I’m declaring today, “National Respond to Spam Email Day”. Okay, maybe it’s not national, more personal. Either way, necessary and deserved. So, here we go.
No, I’m not in the market for clear braces. I am an adult. And, for me, wearing braces as an adult would take me to places I don’t want to go – mentally. For me, personally, if I didn’t get the damn braces back when I was wearing parachute pants then I’m not getting them now. These days, I often find myself wearing capris and lady-mule-crocs and paired with that ensemble clear braces would never do. Plus, I like to sneak-eat guacamole and clear braces are like the snitches of the dental world. Everyone knows everything, just by looking at your teeth.
What you’re giving 65% off clear braces? Nope, still don’t want them.
Thank you for the offer of a $127 round flight trip from New York (to either Springdeer, Indiana or Lilybear, Wisconsin on either Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve). Thank you for that wonderful offer, but I will have to decline. I am declining because I no longer live in New York and because if I did I would have no desire to go to freckin‘ Springdeer or Lilybear!!! People from Springdeer and Lilybear go to New York to fill up the seats at Cats and to clog Times Square with pedestrian foot traffic. It does not work the other way around unless, of course, there’s some kind of death in the family. And if that was the case I’d be seeking a bereavement flight – fully paid for by the airline’s kindness and not your half-assed offer.
But, thank you for thinking of me and thank you for revitalizing William Shatner’s career. I was starting to worry about him.
Dear Wulong Tea,
Thank you for sending me Julia’s personal testimony that your tea will help me to remove my belly fat. However, I don’t typically accept solicitations from people who call me fat through email without ever truly seeing me. I found your spam to be the Shallow Hal of the email world without the third act and all that redemption. So, you are being deleted. Sorry. Also, at the end of Julia’s pitch she says, “P.S. Don’t laugh. This tea really works.” – I sincerely recommend you get a salesperson with more self confidence. I’ve never bought anything after saying, “Hold on, let me stop laughing. Great, now I will by that blouse.”
Dear Portero Luxury,
Thank you for emailing me about your Hermes handbag. I had an extra $3,000 lying around and it was getting really difficult to carry. Now I can rid myself of that problem by purchasing your handbag. If you had not emailed me, I don’t know what I would’ve done. Drowned myself in the bathtub while using all those benjamins as wash cloths, I suppose.
Dear Nursing – Degree,
I was very impressed with your opening line of, “Are you ready to start helping the helpless?” The thing is, I faint when the doctor draws my own blood. So, maybe I wouldn’t be the best nursing candidate? I’m assuming this is just a mix up and this email was sent to me by accident. Yes, that’s the only possible answer. I mean, what kind of industry would suggest that any-old-random-person-regardless-of-their-interest/ skill level/ or criminal record should enter their profession? Besides the armed forces during wartime, of course. I will not be your medic. You can not make me.
Dear Kiana Diore,
Thank you for this eloquent message:
hey its kiana! <3 just checked my old email and found ur msg … get to me
on facebook when u have time : ]… i have my naughty pix to show ya 2! ..
toodles for now ^_^ ..
However, I am going to have to decline your offer. It seems that you are in violation of the “Flagrant Misuse of the Character Keys on the Keyboard Trust”. Seeing as I am an active member in the “Foundation for Sanity and Literacy on the Internet Coalition”, I am going to have to turn down your offer of “naughty pix” as it is against my personal code of ethics.
If I can, however, offer you a touch of unsolicited career advice it would be this – If your pimp is suggesting that he ho you out through a viral email marketing campaign then STDs are the least of your problems. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your pimp is a moron. Try to find a pimp closer to the Terrence Howard ideal in Hustle and Flow – even though he may ho you out, he’ll also try to get your music career off the ground. That way you’ll have a backup for when the ho-ing inevitably slows down. It’s a win-win.
– Sweet Mother
Dear Nuvaring Injury Legal Center,
I can not thank you enough for your timely and compassionate email. When I read your words, “Have you or a loved one used Nuvaring and experienced serious side effects or injury?” – I thought, “How could they have known?”
For just the other day, I tried to insert my birth control into my vagina through my asshole. Before I did so, I dipped it in some old, lead, paint I had lying around to cut down on the friction. I had no idea this would cause the kind of side effects it has. Before inserting the Nuvaring into my asshole, I was completely incapable of speaking Icelandic fluently, but thankfully now that has all changed. Now, I can understand wtf Bjork has been saying and doing all these years. Swan dress – check, completely understand it. Dancer in the Dark – check, this viewer in the dark no more. That is a gift indeed. So, why on earth would I want to sue?
That concludes today’s Spam Email Response Day celebration. I hope you’ve enjoyed it. If you have, please “like it” so I can live another day. Then share it with your friends. You know, do the right thing – Spam people about it.
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Photo creds: Featured Email Image