So, the in-laws are in town – wait, what do you call in-laws for gays, since there’s nothing “in-law” about it? In-likes? Hmm, fodder for another post. Anyway, the in-likes are in town and last night we all sat down after a nice dinner to watch some family tv.
While, we were watching – now, granted we were watching an Oprah interview with Reba McEntire – an unbelievable commercial came on during the break. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I always mute the commercials because the stations do this thing where they blast the advertisements at a far greater volume than the regular programming and I am on to them. But, this particular commercial came on and I snatched the volume control from wifesy and jacked the sound back up.
It was for a new online dating site called – wait for it, ‘cause it’s good – FAMERSONLY.COM. Holy toledo. Actually, holy cow might be the better exclamation. Nope, maybe holy steer. Yes, holy steer would be the most accurate cry for such a sighting.
A dating site for farmers. And really JUST for farmers. In fact, for FARMERSONLY.
Well, I’ve been tooling around on the site this morning and I’ve decided that I find it both intriguing and horrifying – sort of like synchronized swimming.
Their tagline is, “City folks just don’t get it!” and it’s trademarked. Now, there’s something about this that saddens me because I really feel like over the last decade there’s been this shifting in America between the us and the them. You know what I mean, there’s been a lot of talk of “we are traditionalists and patriots and into family values and the outdoors, etc, etc” and the whole suggestion is that the other side is not.
I don’t get this. I don’t get this at all. I grew up a mix of a city girl and a suburban dweller. I was born in Queens, New York and moved out to the burbs when I was about 5 years old. When I was 21, I moved back into New York city and lived their until I was about 35 or 36. So, yes, for the great majority of my life, I’ve lived in a very big city. However, I’ve always felt a certain ownership over ALL of America. I feel like the big sky country is mine as much as the big skyscrapers. I feel like the vast west is mine as much as the small sea faring villages of the east coast. I like the surfer feel of the west and the driven-urban feel of the east. I also even picture myself walking out of my big southern mansion in my nightgown sipping a cup of coffee as I walk through the hanging-moss covered trees of Georgia or Louisiana like I’m a southern belle out of Forest Gump or Gone with the Wind. Then there are times when I see myself with my midwestern cousins enjoying a fresh beer and a stick of cheese up in Wisconsin, as I try to do my best Frances McDormand accent from Fargo. You see, I feel like this whole goddamned country is mine, not just the urban enclaves. I feel like I own it, from sea to shining sea. I’ve never felt like it’s me or us or them. Maybe it’s because I’ve traveled through a lot of it. Comedy has brought me to gigs in 30 out of the 50 states and before that I played sports in college. Our university had a solid sports budget and that meant away games in far flung states. So, I like the corn fields and the cowboys and the concrete and the coffee bars. All of it. Even more so, considering I’ve lived on two other continents – Europe most recently and South America as a teenager. I loved living in those two places and one of the best things about them – is that they always made me appreciate home. South America made me realize just how good women have it in the U.S.. I understood in a real way after living there that there’s something great about having a fairly solid middle class, as opposed to the rich and poor extremes that almost always facilitate the indentured servitude of one countryman to another. Europe made me appreciate American bacon and western-style horseback riding and buffalo wings and capitalism. You can’t know who you are and where you’re from – in my opinion – until you leave it.
So, in a sense, farmersonly.com scares me. I’m a city folk (as they would say) and just what is it that I “just don’t get”? I don’t get fresh air or the importance of farming or working with your hands? Are you kidding me?
As if I were unsure of myself and maybe I’m reading more into farmersonly.com then necessary, the site confirms all my fears by spelling it out.
In their words, “We exist because, the way we see it, there are basically two groups in America. Group one revolves around four dollar cups of coffee, taxi cabs, blue suits, and getting ahead at all costs in the corporate world. Group two enjoys blue skies, living free and at peace in wide open spaces, raising animals, and appreciating nature. We understand the meaning of Southern hospitality, even if we don’t all live in the South. This group makes up America’s heartland – the slice of America with good old fashioned traditional values, values that were never lost by the farmers of our country. These values have also been preserved by our cowboys and cowgirls who live on the edge…”
Okay, now I’m annoyed. First off, I can show you many a city-dwelling lesbian who donates hundreds to PETA annually and who rescues every stray animal she can get her hands on. I can guarantee you that she cares FAR MORE about animals and how they are raised then a country-living, animal-breeder who ONLY cares about the MARKET VALUE of the animal, as opposed to their well being. If you really want to get into it, let’s get into it. So, everyone who lives in a city only cares about “getting ahead at all costs in the corporate world”??!! Are you kidding me? Occupy Wall Street started in one of America’s biggest cities. It’s a movement that happens ONLY in cities and it is a movement that – as far as I can see – is completely based around an ANTI-CORPORATE-GREED ideal. Or is there an Occupy-Farmer-Ranch somewhere that hasn’t made the news?
In my ideal dream-America, I would live just outside a big city on a piece of property that’s big enough for horses and dogs and PEACE, but that it is also close enough to the city where I can take a quick ride in for some CULTURE and DIVERSITY. (Hello, THAT is the greatest gift of cities.) But, I suppose the creators of farmersonly.com don’t want that kind of mixing up of Americans. They want a separate and unequal sort of thing. They don’t want the completely opposite in their resumes, but right in their hearts couples like James Carville and Mary Matalin. They would prefer an us and a them. Because if you live in a city you’re against America and freedom and you’re inherently unpatriotic and communist as you sip out of your 4 dollar coffee.
The farmers though, they have it all worked out. They know true happiness and the meaning of life. The equation is – a traditional hetero family living on lots of land surrounded by guns where you shoot anyone if they come by, always vote Republican, and pretty much stay completely closed minded to all other ideas except for your own.
What utter hogwash. But, then again – I suppose I’m not allowed to say words like that.
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