How to Fight

One of the things I like to do on this blog is give advice to my future child – my gayby.  If you don’t know, this is a baby made by gays.  Now, with all the talk of bullying making the rounds and while watching this whole Rush Limbaugh/ Republican primary sh*tstorm, I thought standing up for oneself might be a good thing to teach a kid.

First and foremost, let me just say, I’m not an advocate for fist fighting or backyard wrestling or hitting yourself with a 2×4, any other such rednecky-type nonsense.  None of that appeals to me.  Hell, I don’t even like it when those urban skateboarders jump up on the rails and ride them.  All I can think is, “Man, do you really want to make mashed potatoes out of your balls at such a young age?  You might need them…”  So, I’m against violence.  I also believe that if you yell in anger, you may have the BEST point in the world, you may be so RIGHT, and yet no one will hear you.  All they will hear is the yelling.  So, whenever you can do like the kitschy, pop culture poster says – “keep calm and carry on.”

I also believe in my mother’s advice, which was always, “Never get into a fight.  But, if someone hits you first, you have the right to defend yourself.”  (Interesting that my mother’s best advice was also completely parallel to Israel’s foreign policy.  I, for one, agree with both.)

So with that take on fighting, here’s how to deal with the different experiences you might run up against, my sweet, gayby:

Fighting with a stranger
Sometimes you will walk around in the world, whistling, enjoying your day, and you will be approached by someone who could only be described as, “bat sh*t crazy”.  When this occurs, it’s best not to engage.  Just talk to the person the way you would if someone was talking to you in a foreign language you didn’t understand.  Basically, this means a lot of miming, gesturing, feigning the idea that you’re TRYING to understand, while at the same time trying to get the hell out of the situation as fast as possible.  This person is more than likely either completely high or completely mentally unstable.  Never engage them physically, unless of course they somehow get you or one of your family members in a chokehold, then hit.  Hit fast and run hard.  There is no cowardice in this – you will most likely never see this a-hole again.  For she or he will be placed in a home.

Political fighting with someone who has the opposite beliefs from you
For this one, you really have to gauge your level of intimacy with the person you’re sparring with.  For example, if you’re gay and you’re at a Christmas party for your wifesy’s work and the Christian conservative that runs the business is paying for your health insurance – when he starts to go on and on about how global warming is a fairy-tale – just nod your head “yes” and say, “You’re right, you’re right.”  If he starts to look at your through squinty eyes because your gayness betrays your liberalness – much like if you’re black, people are going to assume you will vote for Obama – well, if that happens just yell out, “Those damn polar bears!  They’re so greedy wanting all of those roomy polar ice caps for their homes!  Why can’t they just live on a small parcel of government assigned land like the inuits!  I’m sorry, sir, I meant eskimos.”  This will ensure that your receive your low cost asthma inhalers for the duration of wifesy’s employment.  Your lungs will thank you.  It is a sacrifice, but it is worth it.

Getting into a political fight with a family member
If you’re getting into a fight with your dad or your mom and you’re about to ask them for the down payment on a new car, chances are you should keep you political leanings to yourself.  However, if you’re arguing with your father-in-law and you’re secure in your marriage and you already have a home, PUSH THE ENVELOPE.  Not so much that your wife leaves the Thanksgiving table crying, but enough that your dad-in-law knows you’re not a p*ssy and that this liberal/democratic/republican/libertarian thing is not a rash that’s going to go away.  Ultimately – meaning like maybe for a millisecond right before his death – he will respect you for it.

Political fights with your lover
If you are about to get into a political fight with your lover, then you are an idiot.  If that person is giving you sex on a regular basis then let him or her do whatever the fudge they want with their recycled cans!!  Let him or her explore their latest conspiracy theory in relation to 9-11 or the killing of JFK.  You know what really happened because it’s blindingly feckin’ obvious.  However, you’d also like to have an orgasm this week, so weigh the pros and cons and THINK before you speak.  It’s simple, Silly.

Ok, I get it, you're pro-choice. Geez.

Everyday fights with your lover
There are some people who NEVER fight with their significant others.  These people are robot/ cyborg/ androids who also probably have no passion in their lives.  They live safely – always taking a shower at the same temperature and never veering of their dietary menu of chicken fingers and french fries.  In a word – BOOOOORRRRRING!!  If you have a good relationship, you’re going to fight.  The key is to take the fight just to the edge of the cliff known as, “the point of no return” – once poised on that cliff, start to laugh maniacally.  Laugh as hard and as sincerely as you can.  Throw your whole body into it.  This will save your relationship because you will look so crazy that your significant other can do nothing except laugh right along with you and silently debate how they ended up with such a lunatic.  There’s something about this mock-crazy behavior that sucks the tension right out of a fight just like a liposuction vacuum sucks the fat out of a hiney.  (Ew.)

Anyway, Gayby, always remember Dale Carnegie’s famous quote, “A man changed against his will is of the same opinion still.”  So, most of the time, you can’t change anyone’s mind.  That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, but it does mean you should pick your battles.  The other important thing to remember – some people are just a-holes.  It’s an unfortunate reality, but much like the surrounding dirt makes the diamonds shine brighter – the a-holes will shine a spotlight on the winners.  They’ll be easier to pick out this way, especially for someone as balanced and sane as yourself.  Well, I assume you’ll be balanced, for you will have a good teacher.  And if we ever fight, I promise to let you win – at least, every 100th time.


Sweet Mother is updated daily.  You can follow by clicking the “follow” button at the top of this blog.


If you liked this post, you might want to check out the, “Letters to My Gayby” Series.


Photo creds:  girl boxers, girl wrestlers

27 thoughts on “How to Fight

  1. I see you found the photo of me pinning Rush to the ground and strangling the crap out of his neck. I thought I looked quite lovely in it. Thanks for using it.

    (And yes, for anyone who has not had their caffiene yet, I’m speaking figuratively here. :))

    1. llloooooooooolllllll. and it’s amazing how many flickr pics i found of GIRLS fighting. so crazy. and i’ll help you double team rush if you want. but, not in any kind of good way like he would want. that ridiculous ball of fury needs to be put out to dry.

  2. Another great post. Funny though, I’ve never argued over politics and I don’t think I ever will. And my husband (and my kids) know that if i DO argue about something, then there’s a really good chance that I’m right. Unless I’m at least 95% sure, it’s not worth the rise in my blood pressure. 😉

    1. so true. i think i used to argue about politics more, now i don’t really give a shit and tend to reach for a cocktail whenever anyone is getting too heated. i mean, honestly, life is too short!

  3. Lovely post … I never discuss politics, it’s just not worth it in my opinion.

    As for bullying, though, we trained our daughter in JiuJitsu starting when she was four. At 10 she began to be bullied, it ultimately came to blows (despite repeated attempts at intervention by her dad and I with the bully’s parents) and when she finally had to knock the girl flat we took her out for ice cream and a movie. Her self-respect was more important to us than her getting into trouble for fighting. We told her again and again, we’d support her if she felt she needed to do that.

    She earned “street cred” and never looked back.

    1. i loooooooooove that you took her out to ice cream and a movie after that. it’s so great. you know, i’m not for violence, but if she gets bullied and stands up for herself, i mean geez, of course that’s a wonderful thing. and you are awesome for a) giving her that training and b) giving her that reward. very cool.

  4. It always amazes me how people will engage in violent fights over their opinions on mundane things like who the best singer on The Voice is. Really? It’s an opinion. You can disagree and still be friends. 🙂

  5. Great Post! I love the bit about the boss and I definitely need to think more carefully about politics with my “lover”

    I’m a lesbian doing health behavior research in our community. This study is on gender presentation and substance use in lesbians, and we are looking for womyn (trans-inclusive) over 18 who self identify as lesbian bisexual or queer (LBQ) to take a 25 minute survey on

    I would so appreciate it if you helped my get the word out about this on your blog, email facebook or whatever!

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    This study is approved by the St. Johns University IRB


  6. The last fight I got into was at a bar in Chicago. I was about 30 and my husband and I were there to see a Neil Diamond/Abba Impersonator band called Thunder and Lightning. Thunder was the guy and Lightning was the girl. He had awesome, sparkly jackets and she had some serious pipes, but you had to have about 34 drinks or so to really get into it. So I did. Before I knew it I was dumping a full beer over some guy’s head who told me I looked like Natalie Merchant of 10,000 Maniacs. I have no idea why that bothered me at the time because I think she pretty much rocks, but whatever. I didn’t crack the glass bottle over his head, I poured it over him with an exaggerated motion: like I was slugging a clogged bottle of ketchup. Before I knew it, the bouncer had me over his shoulder and I was out the door on my as_. I didn’t even get to hear the Cracklin’ Rose/SOS duet. What does this have to do with advice for your gayby? Nothing really. I just kind of miss bar fights.

      1. oh man, laughed out loud at that one. i’ll back you up in a bar fight, no doubt. one time my friend and i got into a fight with some guys in a pizz parlor. i mean who gets into a fight in a pizza parlor? my friend called one of the guys a ‘tiger woods lookin’ mofo’. it was a particularly satisfying thing that only a black person can call another black person and then the two of us bopped out of that pizza place to what i would swear was ‘sanford and son’ type music playing. it was gorgeous and ever since then she is my backup for life. ’cause she’s good and so damn entertaining.

      2. See? Another blog in the making for you! Between you and Cristy and I so covered up that I might have to start a fight just for fun. What are you doing this Saturday night?

    1. ok, this comment is so good it should be a blog post. that is just a HILARIOUS story. and the crazy parallel is that my wifesy used to be a singer before the doctor-stuff, i’ve listened to her old tapes and i’m like, “gee, you sound just like natalie merchant”, which for some reason makes her furious. oh, so angry. she becomes like a maniac, 10,000 of them. anyway, LOVED that story. loved it. glad you left it here. xoxoxo – mother

      1. You never know, you might see it again in a blog when I’m all teary-eyed and missing my fighting days. Natalie Merchant is super-cool, but I think she’s older than me, so maybe that’s why I was all up in arms at the bar…watching my youth slip away in a bottle of Jack. =)

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