Okay, that was a secret thought said out loud. But it is true, every now and again, I go ‘a cyber reading, which is the sedentary person’s equivalent of taking a mental stroll. This consists of visiting blogs, reading, liking, and commenting. And I hate to say it, but every now and again I find myself thinking, “My, you’re a cocky blog.” I worry about this judgmental thought. What if it happens to me? And what are the signs that your blog is becoming too arrogant? I need warnings – simple things – like knowing I should put the cookies down once the waistband of my sweatpants becomes too tight. So, I’ve come up with these neon, blaringly-bright, signals. They may or may not be true.
Signs your blog thinks it’s too big for its own britches/ server. (I assume the “server” is the britches equivalent for a blog. However, I am not sure. A blog’s britches could be its IP address. You tell me, smarty pants. Anyway, let’s start again…)
How to know when your blog and its curator can no longer fit in a normal sized hat.
1. Its owner starts to refer to the blog as if it were an occupation, as in, “God, blogging was difficult today. I had better put my feet up and have my housewife – who also blogs – make me that martini.” Wife goes about making the martini, but before doing so looks up “How to Make a Proper Martini” on her favorite mixology blog.
2. You look at another blog and the icon seems arrogant. It looks at your gravatar as if to size it up. Its little graphic-eyes seem to be saying, “What the hell are you, a stockphoto? Get real.”
3. You announce and post your blog stats everywhere and the coup de grace – you’re thinking about getting a tattoo on your stomach that shows your graph on the day you were “freshly pressed”.
4. You start googling, “blog to book deal”. Shhhhhhhssssshhhhh. Don’t tell. It never happened and I will deny it until my death.
5. You start thinking about having a “meet up” with your favorite bloggers and commenters because they “get you”.
6. If you were to make a drawing on a real piece of paper you’d sit there for a while afterwards, hoping someone would come by to “like” it. When this never happens, you become very angry.
7. You go out to Ikea and look for a display case that will hold your blogger awards. You go on a drinking binge when someone points out that you can not display virtual awards.
8. You think everyone at tumblr must be a hormonal teenager, blogging in his or her underwear, while performing an unspeakable sex act.
9. This image of the miscreants at tumblr makes you very happy.
10. You can’t remember any of your life before you started blogging. So, like the protagonist in Memento, you have to read past posts to know who you are and whether or not you murdered that girl.
11. You finish this list and think, “What, pray tell, am I going to blog tomorrow?” It makes your mouth water. You drink a glass of something hydrating and begin again.
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If you liked this piece, you might like, “How to Fight”.