How to Be Irish AND Gay

St. Patrick’s Day is coming up.  I’m a native New Yorker and New York is home to the largest St. Patrick’s Day Parade IN THE WORLD.  I’m also a gay.  I’ve been a straight-ish, I’ve been a bi (probably still am), and I am now – due to my completely committed relationship with Wifesy – A GAY.  Since I plan to be with her until I take my last breath, I will always be a gay.  And guess what, if – god forbid – something happens to me, her, or our relationship – I’ll probably still be a gay.  I don’t think you can just shake it off, regardless of what these lunatic ex-gay groups think.  What’s my point in bringing up my sexuality timeline?  Well, to prove that things are never black and white.  They are most often grey.  What IS black and white, to me, however, is discrimination.

Because apparently you can NOT be Irish-green and Gay-pink at the same time.  At least that’s what the NYC parade organizers think because the gays ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MARCH on St. Paddy’s Day.  Let me amend that, they ARE allowed to march, just as long as they don’t “publicize their sexuality”.

So, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” has been repealed by our nation’s government.  Gay men and women can serve openly in the armed forces, they can die for their country, but yet THEY CAN NOT MARCH IN THE FECKIN’ PARADE!!  And to add insult to injury, now they CAN be from the great state of New York, serve openly in the military, AND GET MARRIED IN NEW YORK, and yet they STILL can NOT march in the parade??!!

Whose fault is this?  Whose hypocrisy is this?

Well, the Catholics, of course.

The St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York was started by the Ancient Order of Hibernians, a Catholic organization.  The Hibernians ran the parade up until the 90’s – now a separate, independent group runs it.  The way the Catholics uphold the “gays can’t march” rule is due to a 1990’s Supreme Court decision in Boston that deemed the St. Patrick’s Day parade a “private, religious procession”.  Yes, the biggest Irish parade in the world is a “private, religious procession”.  WTF.  It’s also important to note that the entire concept, idea, and original parade was conducted by a group of Irish soldiers.  Better said, Irish-American soldiers.  They marched downtown up to the original St. Patrick’s church on Mott and Prince, were blessed by the priest, and then headed off to the Irish pubs to get drunk.  The parade TODAY is till led by the 165th cavalry, which is supposed to act as an extension of those original Irish soldiers.  It is amazing to me that an organization that is SO linked with the U.S. military, would hold fast to its anti-gay practices even after the entire U.S. military has abandoned them!

Doesn’t that strike anyone else as a bit ridiculous?  And no one’s talking about this.  Unless, I’m oblivious and its been repealed, in which case – for once – I hope this blog is dead wrong.  But, from what I’m seeing online, it’s not.  The gays can’t march, publicly.  They can go back in the closet and do it, but they can’t be proud of themselves and their relationships and carry their Irish pride all on the same day.

It’s stupid, silly, and childish.  As a comedian, I’d like to combat it with concepts that are also stupid, silly, and childish.  So, here are some of my ideas for being Gay AND Irish — at the same time and maybe even during the parade:

Calling all Gay U.S. Soldiers – Change your names to McDonagey or for the moment take mine – Donohue – I will adopt any U.S. soldier for the day or marry him, since my other marriage isn’t federal anyway.  I can make you Irish-American for a day.  I have that power.  Then, just as you march your Irish a** right past Cardinal Dolan (probably waiting with a cheshire grin) on the steps of St. Patrick’s cathedral, turn, and MAKEOUT.  Make it a good one.  In fact, if you can dip your significant other while in uniform re-doing that iconic “sailor returned home from the war and kisses a girl pic” I can almost guarantee you’ll hit the cover of every major newspaper in the U.S.

Like this, but more gay.

Calling all Irish-American citizens who are Gay or Gay allied – as an American, you have rights, regardless of your sexuality.  One of those rights is the “right to bear arms” as protected by the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution.  Now, since everyone in the world (mistakenly, by the way) assumes that Americans carry guns, let’s make them right for a day.  Get a gun permit.  Every single one of you who loves a gay.  Get a permit to wear your weapon out in the open.  Have it holstered, strapped to your back, your upper thigh – wherever it makes you feel most alive.  Then put on your t-shirt.  Your t-shirt will say, “I am not gay (at least not publicly), but I hold my government-sanctioned weapon up to anyone who physically harms a gay or who is vehemently, anti-gay.”  Then, as you pass the Cardinal turn, raise your weapon, and pull the trigger.  No, I’m not saying kill the Cardinal.  (I have not gone all Sinead O’Connor in this post.)  All of these guns will be “trick” guns where a flag unfurls out of the barrel.  (The permits will be secured to scare the bejesus out of the parade organizers.)  The flags that will unfurl out of the barrel will be Irish flags with a big picture of Colin Farrell and his gay brother, Eamon, plastered all over them.  It will make a valiant, yet hilarious point – the best kind.

Um, both hot!

If the Cardinal seems fearful for a moment right before the trick-triggers are pulled, so be it.  At least he will understand momentarily what it’s like to be a gay person standing against an anti-gay mob for one moment in his entire life.

Calling all TV persons, stylists, and producers who are Gay or Gay allied – Set up makeover booths in front of every Irish bar along the parade route and within its perimeters.  Call the booths, “Queer Eye for the Irish Guy” and position “tv ready” gay men in front of them in extremely stylish clothing.  It is a truth, in New York, that most of the people who attend the St. Patrick’s Day parade are NOT the stylin’ New Yorker, trend-setting, hipster guys, whether gay or straight, that you might find in Brooklyn.  Nor is it the Irish-Irish tourist dressed in his perfectly tapered shirt and tailored – can’t get this brand in New York just yet – denim jeans attending the St. Pat’s parade.  These are not the guys who go.  (In fact, if it’s an Irish-Irish guy in New York, he’s probably trying to run away from all things Irish!)  It’s the wannabe Irish-American guys from Staten Island, Queens, New Jersey and every place else in the world who frequent this parade and I’m sorry to say, but some of them need a makeover.  (Because flannel button down shirts are only good for lumberjacks!  Not for mass consumption!)  The good looking, “tv ready” gay guys will approach their girlfriends, lest they get punched in the face by the flanneled-out dudes.  Offer these girls, gift certificates to Forever 21 and Express and whatever the hell else is in the mall near them, if and only if, their guys get queer-eyed makeovers.  Next, a team of stylists will turn these ex-lumberjacks into stylish trend setters.  Meanwhile, the production team keeps their girlfriends soused in the bar next door.  And the last step, turn these hot new specimens loose on their girlfriends who will drunkenly engage them in the best sex of their lives.

Sometimes gay can help everyone get laid...

These corresponding ideas – “gay-makeovers, irish parade, great sex” – will forever become branded in the minds of these ex-lumberjacks assuring that next year’s petition to allow the gays to march will be signed by every straight man in the five boroughs, if not the entire tri-state area.

That’s progress.  Gays, straights, and the Irish all unified in their quest to get drunk and be proud.

Erin Go Bragh.


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Photo creds:  sailor pic, queer eye, colin and brother, featured pic

53 thoughts on “How to Be Irish AND Gay

  1. I think our country (North America) takes itself way too seriously and is offended by everything. Nobody should have to hide who they really are…unless of course, you are a serial killer.

    1. lol. very true. hiding is for serial killers and closet eaters, everyone else should be out and proud! thanks for the great comment, as always, dear, wendy. i really and truly appreciate it.

  2. For whatever reason, I could not access this post, only the comments! Try as I may, the text wouldn’t come up. But I’m sure it was hilarious. Now, I just need to figure out what in the H. E. double hockey sticks is going on (doesn’t use of that phrase make me the coolest?)

    1. ok, that sucks HUGE cow balls. i checked both my browsers and on wifesy’s computer and both her browsers and on my phone. i could access the post in all places. hmm, i’ll leave a wordpress support forums comment. very strange. you could try to erase/ delete your cookies on your browser’s internet preferences. i find that fixes everything internet-wise for me…however, if BOTH you and jm are having the same problem, i’m tending to lean towards it’s some sort of wordpress glitch. i will investigate! thank you for telling me.

      1. It happened to me once before on one of your posts when I first started following. Maybe it’s your particular theme? And then it was fine until today. I just re-followed you today, in case it was a problem with my old subscription. I emailed wordpress support about something on my blog recently. It took over a week to hear back, but they did get back to me and solved my problem. They really are pretty cool. 🙂

      2. i already got a main wordpress support answer that it was viewable in firefox, but not IE. are you on ie? internet explorer? what’s your browser? i’m going to delete some of the tags…that might be doing it too.

      3. interesting, you both do. then this is definitely the problem. i’m on the forums trying to get the problem solved! thank you ladies for letting me know! xo – mother

      1. Still no luck on IE, but I was able to open it on Safari on my Iphone, so guess it is a browser problem. At least you have that much sorted out. 🙂

        As for this parade hypocrisy? How is this still an issue in 2012?! Good grief, can’t the bigoted exhaust their energy in more useful ways? Like, say, I don’t know, making sure children get enough to eat? Sorry, no witty comment from me today. Narrow mindedness zaps my humor.

      2. man, the i.e. thing is annoying, but i will get to the bottom of it. yeah, the parade thing just seems so stupid to me at this point that i had to write about it. but, much like john tuturro i repeat everyday when i wake up, ‘f*ck it, f*ck it, f*ck it’ – stupidity that is. thanks for being a great help in notifying me to the ie problem, carrie. as blog obsessed as i am, that’s a huge help. much love, mother

    1. ok, that is so weird. i tried it on my computer and on wifesy’s…in two different browsers and all was well. and i tried it on my phone. still good there. yikes! did you try deleting your cookies? in your internet browser’s preferences…man, oh, man…i’ll keep checking on my end too.

      1. Didn’t work 😦 I can get to your other posts with no problem. But not this one. I tried from both the email link and the WordPress “Read Blogs” feed. It’s gotta be something snafu’d with WordPress and this post.

      2. ugh, i don’t like that at all! ok, i posted in the forums, hopefully they’ll get back to me soon. i may have to do another post on getting b*tchslapped by wordpress! lol

  3. Okay, cue the Twilight Zone music. It still won’t come up on this computer. But it loads in whacko format on my other one. On that one, the post comes up fine, but the comments are smashed up on the right side of the screen.

    Both computers want to do updates, and I’m wondering if a full shut down might do the trick. I’m going to let the updates install, shut down, and then reboot. I’ll let you know if that works.

    By the way—great post now that I can read it!

    1. No luck. It still isn’t coming up on this computer. And I’ve never had this problem before. I don’t know if it’s related only to IE8 or not. Maybe some of the commenters who aren’t having problems could say what browser they’re using?

    2. weird. okay, still working on it. i may have ‘tagged’ it too much. apparently, you’re not supposed to have more than 10 category/ tag combos. i figured tag the molasses out of it, you’ll get more readers, but apparently, it’ll mess it up in i.e. so, glad you can see it, but still working on the issue so it doesn’t look wonky. jm, you were an awesome help. thank you.

  4. I would be curious as what their exact definition of publicizing your sexuality in a parade would be. Would it be limited to clothing that advertised it? No PDA with your significant other? What about all the drunk girls kissing each other bc they are drunk? If it is a clothing ban, what might some of these t-shirts proclaim? This is insane, but a great post. Catholics. Sheesh. Sexual abuse of children is also okay as long as you cover it up properly like a cat burying a turd on a frozen pond. This pisses me off.

    1. i don’t know. the catholics have lost it in some ways, it seems to me. i still wear a cross around my neck, but i just feel like i have an entirely different concept of compassion and inclusion than the catholic church does. and i’m with you, the hypocrisy and appalling nature of the pedophile issue is ridiculous. not to mention the low regard the church places on women, imho. great comment, my friend. great comment. and ihave no idea what their definition is of ‘publicizing’ – they don’t really say any where. it just seems so ridiculous now that DADT has been struck down, alongside NYers winning the right to marry their same-sex spouses. i’ve never been this political, but blogging has made an activist out of me, i think – albeit a funny one – like al franken, but with less knowledge. lol.

      1. Definitely a funny one. Love your ideas. I’m married to a Catholic, and trying to raise my daughter in the church; even though they will not allow me to be united in faith with my family until I annul my first marriage. I cannot accomplish this without lying therefore I will always be on the outside of the laws of this church and seperated from my family when it comes to religion. There is is just so much hate carried out in the name of God, and that is not limited to the Catholics. Ughhh…sorry, getting on a soapbox. Great post today.

      2. rfl, i hear you. way too much hate in the name of religion. way too much. and the reality is, no one has come back from the dead yet, so NO ONE really truly and utterly knows what is going to go down. so, we all have to make our own choices along those lines. as far as your religion – situation, i think i’ve read about your travails (troubles?) on your post thru the catholic forests and i have to say – ay yay yay – you are a better person than i. i think i’m too cynical to convert to anything because i have no idea who is “right” and I think the bigger truth is that their ALL a little bit right and a lot wrong… ok, soapbox, taken away. i’m down, i mean done.

      3. In some ways??? I like going to Mass when I go but I haven’t been doing that often. I need to get my daughter confirmed so the insanity will live on. My biggest issue is let the priests get married, let them date people their own age.

        New to your blog and LUB it!!

        Maggie O’C

      4. thank you for reading something besides my FP post. you are a good, new, friend, INDEED. so, glad you like it, maggie. and THANK YOU. – mother

    1. there is so much that is stupid in the world, isn’t there…like the flowbee and the slanket, but everybody loves a snuggie, so maybe i’ll back off that one. lol. anyway, i’m so glad you liked it, kate. and great post today yourself! – mother

  5. Wait, what? Not all Americans carry guns? Ok, I can get my head around that. At least can take comfort that you all drive Hummers and supersize everything.
    As for the actual point of your post…I hope that if Irish people ever want to be in the Gay Pride Parade, they don’t flaunt their nationality too much.

    1. lol. oh, sara, dear, we DO drive hummers and supersize everything when we’re not busy screaming at everyone NOT to learn anything other than English. between the ‘no language learning here’ and the gun toting and the hummer driving and the supersizing, all we have time left for is re-runs of “basketball wives” and THAT is why our economy is failing. oh, you know what i mean…. thanks for the sublimely divine comment. – mother

  6. I’ve been hesitating about the following comment.
    I approached Sara first, to run it by her. She gave me the go ahead. So…

    Once upon a time, I had a movie with Colin Farrell.
    At that very moment, I couldn’t remember his name, as I have the memory of a sad clown…
    When my most amazing wife asked what we had to watch that night, I said: “We have a movie with that drunk Irishman”…
    Please don’t hate me for being beautiful.

    1. sara has good instincts. never doubt your right to comment on here. you have been pre-approved like a credit card with a high interest rate. besides, years of comedy has left me with very little dignity and so therefore, i will defend most of your comments, even if they are delivered insecurely or cause others to make that ‘sucking on a lemon’ face. you are safe here. this is a safe place. and mostly, the irish drink. so, you are okay. and momma is happy you jumped into this double dutch game.

  7. I had the same problem with viewing your post earlier but I chalk it up to being on my work computer and some wonky settings? Either way I made a mental note to read this when I got home.
    I feel weird saying great post because it’s so fucking sad that this is true. I had no idea.

    1. ugh, i’m so annoyed with these internet explorer issues! that’s definitely what it is and it’s a problem with my theme, which makes me want to change it, but i’m going to wait and give the creators a chance to answer the before i do something rash! as for the st paddys day thing, i suppose it is sad. but, the catholic church is so backward to me at this point…don’t even get me started on the catholic priest who refused a lesbian communion at her mother’s funeral for being gay. AT HER MOTHER’S FUNERAL. i kid you not. but, i refuse to lose my sense of humor. they will not take that from me! lol. thanks for commenting, adrienne. i’m glad i found your blog and it’s nice to have you here.

  8. As an Irish dude from Boston who was raised Catholic for a short while, thankfully I escaped the church, I must say we are pretty fecked.(to quote mother)
    For a part of the population who had to deal with the stigma of “No Irish Need Apply”, they tend to be quite exclusionary themselves. What always confused me is the thinking that letting gays marry (which Mass. allows, very big of us) somehow diminishes the “sanctity” of a man and a woman marrying. Yet none of them suggest outlawing divorce for straights to protect “marital sanctity”. That’s weird. Also Ma, I had no problem reading this on my iPhone but it’s not showing up on IE on my laptop. Great post as always.

    1. ugh, this IE issue is such a pain in the cajones! somehow my premium theme has some kind of Internet explorer issue that they’re ‘trying’ to work out. i’m almost getting ready to jump ship altogether, but i like the them and i’ve paid for it! so, waiting for them to answer. i’m also going to try one more thing on my end to try and fix it. but, bill, seriously, THANK YOU for going to that extent to read my blog. it is NOT lost on me what a pain in the arse some of you went through to read this today. as for the st patrick’s day issue – man, you make such a good point. when the church and others feel threatened by the gay issue i always find myself thinking, ‘men and women are never going to stop doing it’. i mean, it’s just never going to happen. to give an example, i have a very gay male friend and he was in a gay town with another very butch female friend – and they did it, the deed – because they were bored or something!!! now, obviously, that’s not a general rule. but, if even those two are going to do it, i don’t think the coupling of men and women ever has a chance of being phased out or overtaken by the gays. it’s preposterous. and you bring up such a great point about divorce, as well. anyway, mo chara (the gaelic for my friend), great thoughts from you as always and i’m really glad that your read the piece. happy erin go bragh-less day!

  9. I have lived my WHOLE LIFE wondering how to be Irish and Gay, and along comes your post. Thank you for informing the world about the Girish (yeah, that’s a thing now) with this post.

    1. Giiiiiirish! I love it and I’m so stealing it. Ha, ha. I’m only sorry I didn’t think of it first…but then again we always need some Jen and tonic here to deliver such goods ! So, thank u, lady friend !

  10. *sigh*

    A wonderfully, written and engaging post that nonetheless enraged me. I feel like I stepped into the twilight zone and it’s actually the middle ages. First my vagina is being regulated on capital hill and now we are once again dealing with gay discrimination. Let’s not get started on the poor little African-American boy who got shot and killed in Florida for the uber-crime of brandishing his skittles.

    Ugggh … I apologize for the rant, it was just one thing after another today.

    Best wishes, momma.

    1. Never apologize for a rant in this space. Everything u say is pre-approved by momma and u have cart Blanche. How the hell do u spell that. Anyway, ill have to look into that one u mentioned. I don’t think I know about it and I like to be well informed. As always, nice to see u here, gills. Momma

      1. yuk. i just read it. i’m with the first commenter, “walking down the street while black is not a crime”. what an utter a-hole. he needs to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

  11. I am so glad I followed a link to your blog via a fellow Canuck, that Fiery Clown Guy. ;0)

    I’m super-pleased to have had the pleasure of this post being the first I would read. Woot!

    1. Yay! We need another witch here. it’s a fulltime job for me. so glad you liked the post and any friend of clowny-canuck is a friend of mine. welcome. i’m off to follow your blog now! toodles and a woot too.

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