Sensible lesbians excel at two things – coaching and financial planning. So, if you need a drill program for the soccer team or if you want to figure out how to buy a new home – find a nun. I mean, a sensible lesbian. You’ll be able to pick one out by her sensible footwear. You know, Doc Martens, Crocs, any kind of flat, sensible shoe. She may also be wearing a blazer.
Suze Orman is my obvious lesbian choice on the financial front. Everything she says is gospel to me, though I don’t understand most of it. In my lack lack of understanding, I am very similar to the religious zealot. Extremists grab hold of the bible – or koran or torah – and take the darn thing very literally. I am like this with Suze. If she says buy, I buy. If she says sell, I sell. If she says, “You can’t afford it!!” I go into the corner and find that albino monk from the Da Vinci Code. I watch him strip down and flagellate himself and for a moment I feel better. When I can’t find him, I watch Jersey Shore, because it’s almost the same thing – a self-flagellation of sorts.
In the current economy, nothing can be more stressful than money issues. I’ve also mentioned that the great Suze can be confusing. So, I’d like to simplify it all. Here are my secondhand nuggets of wisdom as regurgitated through my mind after hearing them from the great Suze. Perhaps, they are distilled versions of Suze’s rules, but they will help you nonetheless. My goal is to educate Gayby (my future child), but if I help you too – BONUS. Now, let us begin.
Don’t keep your money all balled up like a whorish-hoarder. Never carry your money around like this.
Crumpled up money signals to other people that you are a drug problem waiting to happen. I’m not saying you need to iron your duckets, but definitely keep them straightened out. Afterwards, order them and put them into a WALLET, not a ziploc or a brown sack or a sock.
Never say the phrase, “I’m making it rain!” while throwing currency around.
You are not a rapper or a hip hop icon or Tracy Morgan. You are also NOT a community organizer soon to be president, even if Wifesy and I choose the African-American sperm at the cryobank. You are my child. Therefore, you do not throw money around because it is wasteful. You also never wear MC Hammer pants, while supporting an entourage in the dozens. You do NOT do these things because you prefer to have your money work for you and not against you.
The Coinstar Machine is NOT a vacation fund.
If the only way your plan for your vacation is by throwing your old coins in a wine jug, well, then expect to go where a wine jug can afford you — most likely Newark Airport. You will not fly anywhere. You will only stand on the highway between the tarmac and the factories that make synthetic beef flavoring to put on McDonald’s french fries. You will not come back with a tan. The darkening of your skin will be do to freeway dust. Fill that empty penny-jug with moonshine, you’re gonna need it.
Do NOT Plan for Your Retirement with Suicide or a DNR bracelet.
You can NOT say to yourself, “Well, sure I won’t get social security and sure I didn’t save for retirement, so after I’m done working I’ll just throw myself in front of a train. That’s a plan.” People will not see you as an intelligent planner following your train-icide. They will only see the mess you’ve left on the tracks. Not to mention, I don’t want to have to start an entire site called, “It Gets Discounted” to encourage the elderly to live on, as a compliment to the “It Gets Better” campaign for gay teens. For the gay teens, “it gets better”, but for the over 65s, “It gets discounted!” – more early bird specials, discounted airfare, half off rental cars, and almost free movies! So, don’t jump in front of that train – when you tomorrow you could see Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill for fiver! And the DNR bracelet stands for “Do Not Resuscitate”. It does not stand for “If falls asleep, leave alone, until it walks briskly into the afterlife.” It does not mean that. People will not leave you alone, don’t even try it.
Babymaking is NOT a job
I don’t care what Mrs. Duggar says. I don’t care what the Octomom says. By the way, don’t even mention the Octomom in front of Suze because her blood pressure goes through the roof. We need Suze around to counsel the rest of us who still have one brain cell left. Just because your penis and vagina work doesn’t mean you need to use them day in and day out. If you do use them day in and day out, good for you, but use them responsibly. Having a gazillion kids will not guarantee you a reality show no matter what Jon Gosselin tries to say to you in a bar after last call. So, plan the baby, whenever possible. And for god’s sake, don’t treat your lady garden like an easy bake oven working overtime for minimum wage at a company that outsources its labor to China. Might be good for the ipad, not so good for the ivag. Capeesh?
A tent is not a house.
Sometimes you have to live in a tent, I get it. The market crashes, you go to Woodstock or some kind of other outdoorsy type festival and never leave, you marry a hippie, you marry an Indian, OR you stumble into a tent revival and end up pregnant. The preacher was a snake charmer, but you didn’t even see it coming when he put his snake right in your basket. It happens. Now you’re stuck. You’ve got a little baby and a small piece of fabric over your head. In times it will do, but this is not something to strive for, especially if you’ve got childrens. I mean, how will you survive? How will they? How will important things happen like your childrens putting on their annual talent show? How will you blog when there is no internet connection? And if you say from your mobile phone, I’m going to throttle you. Anyone who lives in a tent and spends good cashola on a cell phone is an idiot. It’s the equivalent of standing in a boat with a hole in it and using your last dollars to buy a bicycle. Truly, tents should be temporary. If you’re in one, okay, but have a plan. It’s the tent today, but the shelter tomorrow. Or it’s the tent today and the white house tomorrow. I don’t care, but have a plan because if it’s a tent for life you’re asking for a lot of mold. And mold kills.
Let me make it even simpler, Suze’s bottom-line basics are set up a 401k, get a Roth IRA going, have a six month emergency fund, and don’t live above your means. As soon as I get even one of these things happening, I’ll let you know, Gayby. So, maybe – in this case only – do as your mother says and not as your mother does. If you follow Suze’s simple rules I can guarantee you won’t be a druggie-looking, prostitute, babymaker, living in a tent until you retire, who makes it rain, while wearing DNR jewelry, and looking out at the world with a face that says, “I should’ve listened to my Sweet Mother.”
Instead, you’ll be sitting on your yacht giving financial advice to Lady Gaga – the richest person in the world – while your Mother smiles at you from up above.
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My Cesar Milan-ish Guide to Training a Gayby, a Puppy, or a Drag Queen
Photo credit: money, octo-feature
31 thoughts on “My Suze Orman-ish Guide to Helping Gayby with His or Her Money”
Well, who needs Suze when you have Sweet Mother?! Maybe you could be her side kick and appear on The View, CNN, and–I’m sure your favorite–Fox News with her. That is just what the Bill O’Reilly’s of this world need! (In fact, it’s about the only thing that would make me tune into Fox “news”.)
ugh fox news – no, NOOOOO!!! – that was me screaming across a canyon. love the suze though, i have this reoccuring dream where she takes me in as her ‘housegirl’ like nathan lane and robin williams did with that cute cuban boy in ‘birdcage’. i dust in oddly unprovocative clothing and she gives me financial lessons. strange, i know. maybe that’s part 2 of the post…hmmm.
Oh, yes, there is definitely a post in that. In fact, any reference to Nathan Lane is probably post-worthy!
“Might be good for the ipad, not so good for the ivag.” Effing brilliant! Love it!
thank you, dear lady. the ivag – a touchscreen, indeed. lol. glad you liked it. our laugh-o-meters are in perfect alignment. i hope you never have to wait tables again, also, just wanted to say. it made me hate people in the end! anyway, thanks, ems, for reading! – moms
I’m gonna stop coming here if I have to consult the dictionary to read your posts.
And after all that, I was SORELY disappointed. 😛
lol. flattery will get you everywhere!
I’m not sure my mother has ever missed one of Suze’s shows. In fact, I think the only reason she remembers how to use the DVR is to record Suze’s show if she’s going out. Just kidding, Mom! Seriously, she’s a faithful watcher. And if more people even considered the question “Can I afford it?” the world would probably be a much better place all around.
Shudder. Fox News. Not even a Jon Stewart appearance could get me watching that station! 🙂
live within or better, BELOW, your means. that is the key. not sure i’m there yet, but working on it. suze is a gem. a loca, nutball, crazy, wonderful, lesbian, gem, but a gem, nonetheless. fox. blah. can’t speak anymore about them.
Is the secret to wealth having the bills in your wallet in order and all facing the same way?
Yes! Lol. Well I think anyone who does that consistently is on the rt path bc my bills usually look like they’ve been living behind the couch !
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Oh My God .. I almost choked on my gum over this … “Never say the phrase, “I’m making it rain!” while throwing currency around. You are not a rapper or a hip hop icon or Tracy Morgan. You are also NOT a community organizer soon to be president, even if Wifesy and I choose the African-American sperm at the cryobank. You are my child. Therefore, you do not throw money around because it is wasteful. You also never wear MC Hammer pants, while supporting an entourage in the dozens. You do NOT do these things because you prefer to have your money work for you and not against you.”
Honestly, thank god for u, gills. In every way ! Thank you for saying so. U are just fantastic. Period.
Sent from my HTC Inspire™ 4G on AT&T
Aw, shucks … thanks 😉 and the feeling is reciprocal.
You are one funny mutha. I can’t keep up. And I try.
One question though. Why is Suze Orman always so angry on Oprah? She’s on the number one talk show in the stratosphere, dealing with complete idiots, yes, but still.
BTW I worked that bar scene I used in a comment on your blog into today’s post. When Sweet Mother talks? I listen. And the world is now a better place.
i will be swinging by to read today without fail! i think suze’s screaming is one of the things that i like about her the most. it’s like she’s riding an out of control motorcycle right up to the line that is crazy, she hits it, teeters over the edge, but never fully crosses it…it’s gorgeous. just gorge. can’t wait to read your post and as always, THANK YOU for coming here.
At first I was like, “HEY! I crumple up my money and I don’t have a drug problem!!” Then I went into the bathroom and did several lines of coke. Thank you for this unintentional intervention.
oh, coke in the bathroom, there were a couple of nights with australian models…oh, never mind. 🙂 you should see my wallet, filled to the brim with receipts and not a bill in sight….disaster.
Best fu*king comment.
There’s nothing I can say that can top this.
And I’m coming down, so now would not be a good time to be all funny, and stuff.
yes, jen and tonic often wins best commentary award…we are very grateful to have her here. coke or no coke.
I just shot coffee out my nose. Several times. Don’t ask me why I keep sipping away while reading; you’d think I’d learn after the first time. I need to make a “no drinking while reading Sweet Mother” rule one of these days before I ruin my laptop.
Thanks for the laughs!
oh, allison, you have no idea how much you help momma live to write another day!! thank you for that. xo – mother
I recently bartended an event in hooterville or redneck-ville – one in the same really – and a woman hands me money to pay for her beer. The money is crumpled up in all different areas in her purse. No wallet, no rhyme, no reason. I wish I could have a picture of my face when I watched her poking her grubby little hands around trying to find $4 in there.
oh, dear god. i can’t. i just can’t. i’m glad you got out of there alive! please don’t do that again, as we need you here in the blogging world. oh, grubby little hands, indeed. probably usually wrapped around a shotgun. not exactly suze’s demo…but, i wish they would listen to her anyway! always a pleasure to find you here, adrienne. – mother
You have just pissed all over every single one of my savings plans.
Next up: pray for a until-just-now-unknown rich relative to die and leave it all to me.
Plan B: Elaborate Bingo Scam.
You are hilarious! I about choked on my coffee when I read the part about the vacation at Newark Airport. Awesome post! Now, I need to go and clean out my purse and put the bills in my wallet. 😉
You crack me up! Love it! We were kind of hoping our life insurance policies would cover our student loans and other debt should we suddenly croak so our children would not have to deal with our financial disasters. Ho hum. Suze would not approve. 🙂
ok, i laughed out loud at that comment. she may not approve, but i do! i’m going to have to suggest that to wifesy. oh, the student loans. oy. oy. thanks for coming by here, lydia. – mother
Stumble into a tent and get pregnant–I hate it when that happens, especially with the snake-handlers, not the snake-handlers.
She may also be wearing a blazer.
um, Suze Orman is gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I just didn’t know. I should have known? this is embarrassing. I pride myself on my pop culture knowledge. Is she pop culture?
Thank your for making me laugh so much today. Sorry I’m stalking you.