Review of the Woman Who Sat Behind Me During The Descendants & More!

As a lot of you fellow bloggers know, on this wonderful platform that is WordPress, there is a beautiful place where the barcodes of certain bloggers are read by the WordPress gods and they are elevated to a blog world that is up on high.  Now, I know the powers that be are trying to teach me not to covet things, but in the interest of full disclosure there is a small part of me way back in the dark recess of my heart – near the area that would like to win the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes – yes, right there, lives a small cubic centimeter of me who would like to go to this blogger heaven.

I am working on a better way of dealing with this.  I am working out a better emotional management strategy, as opposed to my current one, which consists of trolling through the “bloggers so anointed” section and screaming, “Why? Why? Why?”  That is childish and not working, so it will be stopped.  My new coping mechanism will be revealed at the bottom of this post.

So, as I skip through the “section of the anointed” certain patterns have leapt out at me.  WordPress seems to like a lot of recipes, and posts that happen around events, and television opinions, and relationship thingies (sheesh, I’ve got that one covered), and reviews!  Movie reviews.  I am not a movie reviewer.  In fact, I have tried to be in the past, but I always ended up feeling like those grandpas from the Muppet show.

Disgruntled and crotchety with very little reason for being so.  This is not a state that I like to live in.  So, instead I’ve decided to review the people who have sat around me, while I’ve TRIED to enjoy the movies.

Review of the Woman Who Sat Behind Me During The Descendants
This woman was old, but not so old that she had lost her fighting spirit.  In fact, just to be certain that her sparring skills were still in order she decided to fight with me.  Now, her offense – a very common one at communal performances – TALKING.  Let’s understand, I am not some sort of “talking police”.  I don’t run around the movie theater like some kind of frigid librarian jutting my face within inches of the innocent movie goer and screeching, “Sssssshhhhhhhhh!”  I am not that person.  However, this particular old lady decided to speak – LOUDLY – during the most emotionally gripping part of the film.  I know because I had tears running down my eyes as I reprimanded her.  (Spoiler Alert – skip ahead a few lines, if knowing one iota of a movie makes you never want to see it.)  It was that part in the movie right before George Clooney and his two girls send his dead wife’s spirit off into the oceans.  Our fight lasted almost through the entire leis-afloat scene.  Here’s what happened.

Wifesy and I sat silently sniffling, feeling transported inside someone else’s drama for one, tiny, moment.  We grabbed for each other’s hands.  We squeezed, both of us quietly signaling our resolve to live each day to its fullest when a voice outside the surround sound screeched…

Old Lady:  “Mario, do you remember where you parked the car?  We don’t want to lose the car.  Remember what happened last time!”


Old Lady:  “I don’t think you remember where it is, Mario.  I don’t want to have to call Eileen, Mario.”

Me:  “Um, Ma’am, can you please be quiet.”


Old Lady:  “You could’ve asked a little nicer.”

Me:  (now furious, wasn’t before, am now)  “Ma’am!  I did ask you nicely.  It’s the most emotional part of the movie, please!”


Old Lady:  “Oh, Mario, I think we parked in the green lot.”

At which point, Wifesy slapped her leg with her hand and turned around to give Old Lady a glare that she normally reserves for pedophiles.  All was quiet after that.

You see, I’m from New York, so I’m VERY used to people chatting, talking, screaming, and yelling during the movies.  However, this was California – a more civil place in my mind – and it was the middle of the day.  You would think the time alone would’ve spared us.  But, alas, it didn’t.  Instead, we were slightly irritated.  This wonderfully human irritation reminded me of all the past irritations I have suffered.  I’d like to share them with you.

Review of the Drag Queen Who Talked to the Screen During Planet of the Apes
While living in New York, I often went to the movies alone.  Going to the movies alone is a strange practice anywhere else, but in New York it is quite common.  New Yorkers don’t have backyards or even their own apartments (since having a roommate up into your 40’s is a common practice) – therefore, alone time is paramount.  In the dark, at the movies, you can be alone with your thoughts and the screen and escape.  That’s what I wanted to do the day I sat down to watch the just released, Planet of the Apes.

I sat in the front section because no one ever does and I wanted some space.  At first, it was bliss, just me and a super-sized Coke.  Quickly, my reverie was broken by a tiny, high pitched voice.  It was talking to the previews.  I turned to see a latino queen in a mini-skirt and big, dangly, earrings having a full-on conversation with the previews.  This, of course, was not a good sign.  But, I thought or hoped that it would stop once the movie began.  I thought hoped that maybe he just had to get his ya-yas out.  The movie began.

An Ape enters the screen running.

Drag queen:  “Run, monkey, run!!”

I turned and gave him a look.  The look slid off him like a runny egg meeting teflon.

Some humans and some apes ran from some more apes.

Drag queen:  “Run, lady, monkey, man, lady, monkey, man, RUUUUN!!”

It was obvious this was going to continue.  So, I changed my seat to the upper section where I slumped down next to some gang members gently groping one another with their guns exposed.  It felt much more relaxing.

Review of the Maybe-Nurse Who Sat Behind Me During Sphere
Sphere was released a LONG time ago.  It was a science fiction thriller that happened 20,000 leagues under the sea and it starred Sharon Stone, Dustin Hoffman, and Sam Jackson.  I don’t remember much of Sphere.  What I do remember is the woman who sat behind me.

A crew member from their under-the-sea-spaceship has encountered something that has rendered them unconscious.  The leads of the movie are in trauma mode.  They are doctors and scientists.  The only people who can save this crew member (it may have been Queen Latifah) from meeting her maker.

Sharon Stone:  “Oh my god.  We’re going to lose her.  Give her 20 ccs of metzayokophil.  It’s the only drug we’ve seen work down here.”

Woman behind me:  “20 CCS!!!”  (And then a huge gasp.)

This was by far the strangest heckle, call-out, I have ever heard in my adult life.  The woman was quiet after that, but it left me with a host of questions.  Was she a nurse?  Was she a doctor?  Had she ever worked with metzayokophil – the drug in question that I made up?  And of course, the most obvious, why wasn’t she a script consultant on this film?

In all, I give these fellow, movie goers 45 thumbs up.  For that is the amount of thumbs tortured during these movie going experiences.  Yet, in a world where everyone is watching their movies at home or on their phones, I’m sheepishly grateful for Old Lady, Drag Queen, and Maybe-Nurse because they make me feel alive.  They make me feel not so alone like I’m having a communal experience and at the same time, slightly angry.  That’s how human beings love one another with anger and annoyance.  So, the next time someone destroys your movie, thank them.  I do.

Now, about that little coping thing…

This article has been “Decently Ironed”.  Any article that is sarcastic, funny, or important about the world of blogging, the awards given thereof, or anything elevated to a level of superior-blogger status as fodder for comedy or commentary is eligible for a “Decently Ironed” award.  If you receive this award, you will be blessed with the honor of having to do NOTHING.  You only have to display the icon in your sidebar with a link back to me, which in the end will only benefit me.  (It’s only fair, I badly photoshopped the thing.)

This is the “Decently Ironed” icon.

If you would like to be considered for a D.I., simply mention your piece in my comments section and say, “I wonder if Princess D.I. would mind wandering over to my blog today and checking out my post.”  Princess D.I. will do so and chances are, you will find yourself “Decently Ironed”.


Sweet Mother is updated daily.  If you’d like to follow this blog, you can receive an email about it by hitting the “follow” button at the top of the page.


If you liked this piece, you might also like, My Suze Orman-ish Guide to Helping Gayby with His or Her Money.


Photo creds:  muppets, iron

57 thoughts on “Review of the Woman Who Sat Behind Me During The Descendants & More!

      1. I’m French speaking, right?
        So I’m reading “guffaw, guffaw, guffaw”, and asking myself what the fu*k you mean by that.
        So I ask Sara and she says it out loud : “GUFFAAAWWW GUFFAAWWW GUFFAAWWW – It’s like hard laughing”.
        It sounded more like the cough of a chain smoker to me… But don’t tell her… And she won’t read this, right?

      2. ok, that was so feckin’ funny. goddamn you two. goddamn you. i LOVE that she had to explain that to you and it IS like a chain-smokers laugh in a sense…oh, god, tears in me eyes. tears.

  1. LOL! Love this post! It brought back similar memories way back in the day when I was able to actually sit in the seats that now leave me crippled with pain when I try to stand up after watching the parts of a movie that other movie-goers will allow me to see. And you forgot to mention the kids (big and little) that constantly bump the back of your seat with either their feet or their knees during the entire movie … lol. Great post! 🙂

    1. oh god YEEESS. and on planes, the little monsters, i mean lovelies, are always hitting my plane seat as i’m having an arm rest – elbow fight with a linebacker!! thanks for reading, julie.

  2. I’m so out of the loop that I have no idea about the bar code… but now I want one! Is this real? Or one more of your clever quips? Are you referring to Fresh Pressed? I want to know how to get that twice… so how’s that for ego and greed! I’m working on a post that will fly in the face of everything you said in your arrogant blog post… which is still bugging me. Clearly I have a problem mom.

    1. the barcode is something that crazy christians believe exists on your head or arm, god reads this during the rapture, and much like santa’s naughty or nice list, the barcode tells god whether you will be swooped up to heaven or plunged down to hell. there is also a movie called, i believe, “the rapture” starring a very good friend of mine from acting school who is not that christian at all, but plays one for the movie. in that movie, as i recall, many people are actually at the supermarket when this barcode, heaven or hell, reading event happens, which seems convenient. if your post flies in the face of everything i say in the ‘arrogant blog post’, you should probably tell me about it, so i can have it ‘decently ironed’. yes, i have that much power.

      1. You will be pinged my friend, don’t you worry… how could I exude the kind of arrogance that is clearly coming tomorrow, and not reference you? So, you will have a Good Apple and a ping from me, in 3 short days. Oh joy, oh rapture! See, I need cool people like you to bring me up to speeeeed. 😉

      2. Done! See my totally ego loaded post today, about hitting 20,000… I believe it meets all the criteria for a decently ironed. In addition, I plugged you like the award whore I’ve become. You’ll see… I’ve earned that iron baby! I think I covered every single thing from your Arrogant Blog list, and can finally let that go. Go mother, check it out.

  3. First of all, in terms of going to the movies alone, it should not surprise you that I go to flicks solo all of the time. That’s the way we introverts like it, uh huh, uh huh.

    Second of all, hell yeah, I want to be be Decently Ironed. And I believe my piece on placental crafts should earn this award: Although it was not the post that got me Freshly Pressed, it is the one where I disgusted the majority of readers. And that should count for something.

    So: “I wonder if Princess D.I. would mind wandering over to my blog today and checking out my post.”

    As usual–another great piece by Sweet Mother!

    1. dear carrie, your aforementioned blog post has just recently been “decently ironed”. you are the first person to receive this prestigious award (outside of me, of course) by following the instructions to a tee. now, please, take off the rest of the day and go and celebrate with your family. – mother

      1. I am so honored and humbled. And it only took me 30 freaking minutes to figure out how to put the image and link to your site on my blog. But I have figured it out. Even though I am old.

        I enjoy being a rebel. Of course, this is about as rebellious as I get 🙂

  4. Even though we now have preview clips asking people to refrain from talking and to turn off the phones, there is always some royal presence in the audience who doesn’t believe the request applies to THEM! Grrr—my husband and I didn’t pay 20+ bucks to hear them instead of the movie!

    I can’t believe you haven’t been FP’d yet!

    1. jm, there is no reason to be fp’d when you can be di’d. there, i’ve said it, now that part of my therapy is complete. yes, everyone who talks during a movie should have to pay $20 to the person in front of them – then they can do as they like. until then, i will remain the ‘neighborhood watch’ for the imax near me.

  5. Decently Ironed. Perfection. I was just thinking about writing about the anointing of the WordPress elite, but you have clearly done a much better job of it than I could. Loves.

    1. WRITE IT. and then notify me about it and i can assure you it will become ‘decently ironed’….come on, ems, i’ve got a badly photoshopped logo just waiting to make an appearance on your blog!!

  6. Hahaha, Maybe-Nurse. Love it. I think the Decently Ironed Award is a great idea. It would look classy next to my “Dirty And Balled Up In The Bottom Of The Hamper” award that I’m currently creating and hoping I at least get nominated for. I’ve already told myself not to get my hopes up, but I never listen to me. I’m such a dick to myself.

    1. omg, i could almost ‘decently iron’ you for saying ‘im such a dick to myself’ – but, then i’d be getting loose with the rules. tho, i WANT that dirty and balled up in the bottom of my hamper award. how do i get it? oh, yeah, don’t do laundry. oh, bill, always funny, always fun to find you here. – mother

      1. I’m with you about wanting Bill’s Dirty and Balled Up in the Bottom of the Hamper award (aka DBUITBOTHA).

        Bill, I nominate you. Now go create it! Is that too backward?

        Love your post, Mother!

  7. I was dating someone who needed to sit in the back row at movie theaters because of his eyesight. Let me tell you, some STRANGE stuff goes on in that back row. On occasion we sat next to two people who were going at it almost the whole movie. First, I’m forced to hike all the way up Mount Killamandiehard3, and then I have to listen to two people having sex a foot away from me. At one point I turned to them and said, “Unless you’re looking for a threesome with me, stop playing ‘hide the salami’ and watch the rest of this crappy movie.”

      1. I want to be DI’d by someone so badly! (Switch the “I” to a “P” and it sounds like what I would scream in the dorm halls through college)

      2. Oh lawd, Jen….easy on the gin cause if I ain’t mistaken that’s some kind of requiem for a dream kinda shit. But, momma loves that u said it here – its a safe space, safe space. Lawd, now I needs to go get safe !

        Sent from my HTC Inspire™ 4G on AT&T

  8. Great post! Once you become F.P. will you refuse it a la Jonathon Franzen and Oprah’s Book Club and put up your D.I. award instead? The drag queen is classic!

    1. yes, of coure. no, of course not. those are the parallel thoughts that happen in my head in regards to being fp’d. however, at any moment anyone of us can be di’d. in fact, one godsend of a member already has…been ‘decently ironed’ that is. i would like to put my DI next to my FP. you see, i’m refusing to say FP today because i’ve been told mentioning fp-ing is the surest way not to get fp’d! thanks for stopping by here, new friend. you made momma smile. – mother

  9. I think most of your jokes are going over my head..and since I’m quite tell, that’s a real feat!

    I liked the part about the drag queen…I swear I could hear him.

    Love you Mother.


      1. I’m not complaining sweets..I think I’m just tired..mentally. Is that possible? and I meant “tall”, not tell…sheesh…think I’m going to bed early tonight. 🙂

      2. don’t sweat it, chica. momma is tired too. thus, yesterday’s post. i always delight in seeing your face beaming back from your icon. 🙂

  10. Love this post. My fav part? The crotchety old muppet dudes. I loved those guys when I was a kid. And Animal. But especially the Swedish Chef. He was awesome.

    Decently Ironed gives Freshly Pressed a SERIOUS run for its money. I think you’ve just created the blogger award of the future…for people who love polyester blends and wouldn’t touch linen for anything. Not even a mention on Freshly Pressed.

    You amaze me with your flow. You are one mother of a blogging goddess.

    1. i’m not sure if it’s flow or insanity, time will tell! as far as animal, have you ever seen his performance with rita moreno? youtube it. it’s a must see. lol. thanks for coming by, stacie. it makes momma very happy.

  11. Hi, Momma! Sorry so late to the game today. This post was hilarious and this is major pet peeve with me. The worst offender is my guy too! I hate that he has pithy one liners throughout the movies and ALWAYS at the emotional parts.I hate even worse that he’s usually hilarious and then the theater cracks up (I don’t really hate it, I laugh too, but it’s gets irritating when I’m really into the movie)

    As always, wonderful post!

    1. i know, i know, we ARE the peanut gallery. so, we like a quick crack or two, but we are not as annoyingly talkative as some of the peeps around us! no worries, gill, i love it when you stop by here – regardless of the time. i am honored that you spend a few mins of your day on me. xo mother

  12. I wonder if Mario remembered where they were parked?

    During The Strangers a group of kids kept talking. “Turn around! Turn around!” They yelled other tips at the actors on the screen to help them survive. Fed up, I turned around and told them to “shut the fuck up” – in a nice way though. I’m not confrontational but jee-sus! I whispered to the Masshole to be ready and alert because we may get knifed on the walk home.

    1. i approve of anyone who reprimands teenagers in movie theaters. and everyone should have a masshole ready to fight by their side! love your commentary, as always, adrienne. – mother

  13. I’m fairly certain that my mother doesn’t go to movies any more, and I’m also pretty sure that she’s not in California, but just in case I’m hallucinating again, I apologize for the woman who wanted to know where she parked her car because there’s a good chanced she’s my mother, which is why I stopped going to movies with my mother years ago, the last one probably being The Natural with Robert Redford and Glenn Close, to which my mother yelled at the screen something about why in the hell were they using that gauzy effect with her, everyone knows she’s not that young . . .

    On to the drag queen–you should have just sprayed her with diet coke and popcorn.

    So now when I go to a movie, because everything costs so damned much, I have absolutely no problem in taking on rude people. The look of death comes to mind.

  14. Hey
    Lovely blog… I can relate to this situation- these movie-goers are really annoying so many times but I haven’t given any of them a glare(what if they are holding those big pistols and shoot me right in my head).
    Once, I was there watching a political thriller and I had a gentleman sitting right behind me telling what’s going to happen just before the onset of the scene… I literally wanted to kill him when he announced that there is a bomb explosion going to take place killing the second-leads of the movie just before that scene appeared- I don’t know why can’t such people shut their mouths up.
    A week back, I went for watching another thriller- and as soon as I was going to entrapped(literally) with the “thrill”(mockingly) going on, every few seconds a mobile started ringing…. geez! I was damn irritated and this time I glared(in my thoughts) as well.
    And your particular line- “That’s how human beings love one another with anger and annoyance.” just made me laugh out loud….

    Now what would you call me- I have my exam in 5 hours and I am here reading blogs… God- protect me….

    1. indeed. god protect us all, dear anxious. god protect us all. so, glad you enjoyed that one too and took the time to read it. i am deeply humbled. such kindness stops me from maiming people in movie theaters, so you have done a great service today. – mother

  15. Well, how about someone who is so in love with the film having seen it (lord only knows how many times) and they sit in front of you and voice the dialogue before the screen actors – or a couple in audience in a London live show (which is on stage and performing and you’ve paid a fortune for a ticket) where a couple starts a heated argument about bus and tube timetables and how to get to/from the theatre the quickest way 🙂
    I feel your pain.

    1. a-holes, all of them. unacceptable. give me their names!! i will find them and talk while they receive colonoscopies. ridiculously rude. we will fight this. we will win. decent people united! okay, i’m done now. what i mean, is thank you for stopping by and commenting here. 🙂 – mother

  16. I wonder if Princess D.I. would mind wandering over to my blog and checking out my post.”

    It does include a restaurant called “Mother’s”

  17. You had me at Freshly Pressed, but I laughed out loud at least three other times plus once in the comments. Good luck with the elevation by the gods! I can say I found you before them (thank crubin!)

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