Messing Up Gayby

I am not a mother of spawn, just yet.  I’m thinking about having kids, probably over-thinking it with my Wifesy.  The process of doing this has caused me to see moms and their younglings in a new light.  I notice them, now, whereas before I probably only noticed the new sneakers and the iphone I wanted to buy.  But, not now.  Now, it’s babies, babies, everywhere.


The subject of babies is very similar to the subject of losing weight in that everyone has an opinion.  EVERYONE.  From the gardner to the bum on the corner to the local kindergarten teacher, all of civilization has an opinion on the proper way to raise up young saplings into fully formed neurotic trees.  Most people are going to tell you that the way you’re doing it is wrong.  I expect my own mother to tell me I’m wrong twice, since she’s very good at that.


However, as I walk through the world with all these babies and gaybies and their young moms and dads highlighted in my visual panorama – I HAVE found some things that maybe I do NOT want to do.  I’ve seen some things that have terrified me.  I’m afraid that if I inflict them on my own gayby it might scar him or her for all of eternity.


So, take this post with a grain of salt.  These are only my opinions, after all.  And you know what they say about opinions – “only mine is ever right.”  Wait, isn’t that what they say?


Mainly, this is for my kid (alright and you).  So, don’t worry, Gayby, I won’t subject you to any of the below.


This is not causing me mental instability. See, I am happy.


The baby leash – Just what, pray tell, is happening here?  Now, yes, I understand you don’t want your child running away from you in a store.  Yes, I know what an Amber Alert is and how it is used during child abductions.  I find it to be a necessary, yet horrifying service.  However, there’s something about the baby leash that is undignified to me, much like the program Toddlers and Tiaras.  I plan on raising a child, not a baby lion.  Also, I’ve heard that children come with built-in leashes – you might know them as arms and hands and I hear they are equally easy to grab.


Is my mother trying to tell me something?


I promise not to dress my child like Little Man Tate.
This might surprise you, but I believe in school uniforms whether they are enforced at private or public schools.  Anything that stops the great clothing race of the pre-teen set and focuses them back on learning, sounds like a good thing to me.  Now, I draw the line when it comes to the Little Man Tate outfit for boys – you know, the school uniform with the shorts.  Though I think it’s ultra-cute (I have eyes, after all) – I feel that dressing a young male in this type of attire is akin to putting a puppy in a sweater.  Yes, it’s adorable, but it’s obvious that the puppy hates it.  (If you are British, throw this rule out the window completely.  For some unknown, cultural, reason this outfit works for British school children. Everyone else – KNOCK IT OFF.)


I'm an American child. Please help me.


"But, you said it was time for milk and cookies!"


Tits are NOT for toddlers.
Okay, I know a lot of people might get upset by this, but I feel that once my child can do his or her multiplication tables they should be off the breast.  (If you don’t hear from me for the next couple of hours, it’s because my house is surrounded by the La Leche organization.)  It’s simple.  If you don’t wean your child eventually, you’re asking for this, in adulthood…


"Jesus Christ, Why?!" - Sweet Mother


Home, James!


Jog Strollers
The biggest problem with this item is that it’s too good.  It’s too damn comfortable.  I mean, look at the thing.  It comes with a canopy, shock absorbers on it’s giant, monster truck wheels, padded seats, and dual airbags.  Geez, add two cup holders and a couple of mai tais to the thing and would you leave?  No.  What you’re doing here is creating an incredibly fit mommy, as she pushes this Stroller-SUV up a mountain, and a very lazy baby.  If you’re outfitted with one of these as a child, I’m guessing there’s a smooth transition right into one of these…with no walking in-between.



If you have a problem with any of these decisions that I’ve made for ME and MY gayby then please, start paying my bills and I’ll do whatever the feck you want.  Until then, just laugh and enjoy and yes, breast-feed as long as you want – we’ll all look the other way.  This is America, after all.



Sweet Mother is updated daily.  You can follow this blog by clicking the “follow” button at the top of the page.


You might also like:

Boys vs. Girls – Gayby Advice

Wifesy’s Dad


Photo credits:  hoveround, jog stroller, adult baby, milk and cookies, uniform, dog and baby, baby leash

65 thoughts on “Messing Up Gayby

      1. shall i create a mommy and me blogging seminar? we can co-host…actually, i’m afraid what my pretend gayby would come up with. i’ve had too much coffee this morning.

  1. Haha! Ok you had me till you had to go and slam the jogging stroller. :) My daughter has been know to want to “work out” randomly like mommy these days, after an infant-hood confined to the jogging stroller, she’ll say, “Look mom, I’m doing Goga!” It’s very cute. My only defense with the jogging stroller is, if mommy doesn’t get to work out, nobody likes mommy very much, some may say she becomes a raging b*tch! And if Mommy isn’t happy, no one is happy, fact! So to solve that little dilemma I’ll take my chances with the stroller when the gym daycare has some rare killer disease spreading and is out of commission! But to each their own, right!?

    1. loooooool, oh, yes, lydia, yes. and if you ask me nicely i’ll even push the jogger stroller up the hill while you job alongside. maybe it’s less that i dislike the jogger stroller and more that i’m jealous and want to sit in one – is that wrong? every time i go up to an empty one and look around i can see one of those ‘too tall for this ride’ signs out of the corner of my eye. bummer. but, yes, jog away. i totally understand. it keeps me from killing people, as well.

  2. I’ve gotten clotheslined by a kid at Epcot on one of those leashes. Stumbling around Epcot, enjoying the Food & Wine Festival and kids on leashes don’t mix. I’ve joked about bringing scissors and cutting the cord when the attached parent isn’t looking. I realize I’m a horrible person.

    1. aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, no, NO, NO. you are not horrible. you are my kind of gal. i just ran my face into the desk for saying gal, but i couldn’t help it, in the moment, it was the perfect fit. scissors. epcot. drunk. leashes. cut. noooooo. dying. when i find something overwhelmingly funny i speak like ‘robocop’. i don’t know why. anyhoo, i went to disneyland out here in socal with wifesy. i loved it, wrote a post about it, BUT my biggest complaint — NO BOOZE. jesus. just, how do parents survive in such an environment? i have no idea. anyway, thank you for the blazingly funny commentary this morning.

      1. And that’s why I use my free passes to the Magic Kingdom to watch the 9 o’clock fireworks and leave. However, Animal Kingdom and Epcot aren’t dry territories. Drinking around the world at Epcot is a damned good time.

  3. I never plan on having kids, but if I did, I’d make sure to NEVER name them something stupid like Coco, Apple, Word of Warcraft or Team Jacob. I think a name can lay a serious foundation for future years’ worth of therapy.

    1. or blue ivy… i did a post on the names beyonce and jayz went through BEFORE landing on blue ivy. d*cks. i’m not saying that – that’s what blue ivy’s gonna say when she thinks about them as she’s getting pummelled on the playground… i’m just saying.

  4. Agree with every word here Mother, but then it’s rare that I don’t see your point.

    And oh Princess D.I, I have displayed my decently ironed icon on my page, with a hover link (’cause that’s the best I could figure out)… you have made my day! The 20,000 views is great, the other arrogant stuff rocks, but being decently ironed trumps all. Have a sublime day. ;-)

  5. It’s also OK to wear the Little Man Tate outfit if you are a member of AC/DC, but yes I’d agree after that we’ll need to draw the line.

    As usual, HI-larious and awesome, moms :)

  6. I went all winter without seeing babies in New York because everyone covers them with blankets and cellophane in the strollers when it’s below 50 or raining. It’s sort of weird because, in Michigan, it just seemed like you’d toss them into a baby sized coat and just throw them outside.

    However, now that the spring is here, it is almost like they are a fashion accessory for the wealthy.

    I agree with you fully on all issues with the exception of a leashed lion. I’d let that thing wander free until it got its first kill.

    1. oh, my lawd. i am so happy that you have stopped by here. thank you, matt. this poor posty is getting beaten down by my fp’d one and she doesn’t deserve it! incidentally, how do you leash a comments section…i’m gonna have to do that, this is getting out of hand! lol. seriously, thanks for reading and swinging by.

      1. I got freshly pressed a few times and just let ever post stream through and hoped nobody said anything that was racist without also being funny. I lucked out and there was only minimal people that posted links to their own blogs. Most people either enjoyed reading or criticizing what I wrote. The only sad thing is that they weren’t even my best posts.

        I promise to hunt down your some of your best.

  7. hahaha…I love this one! Tits aren’t for toddlers? Really? lol
    And it’s funny you should mention leashes. Just the other day I was at the mall and while watching other people’s children run amok, thought to myself, “Will you LEASH that child please?!”
    It’s funny that looking at babies makes YOU want to have one…looking at CHILDREN makes me glad I’m too old to have any more. ;-)

  8. “I am an American child, please help me.” Hahaha, too funny Mother. Baby leashes are just crazy. I’m glad I grew up before those things became popular. I much preferred my parents just letting me wander off. Less safe, but much less scarring.

  9. I just discovered your blog and I think i’m in love. You’ve definitely got a new fan. :) I’m supposed to be writing skus, as I’m currently at work, but I can’t help giggling at your posts and clicking on the button to read more. Awesome stuff. Also? Those baby leashes have always weirded me out too. I’d never put one on my daughter.

    1. i don’t understand them, but to each his own. as some other parents (other parents?! i don’t even have a kid yet) have told me they’re necessary and if it stops your kid from being kidnapped, then of course. but, if you’re walking your dog and your kid at the same time like the woman in the pic, well, i don’t know. you’d have a hard time convincing me on that one. so glad you like the blog. i REALLY appreciate it and i hope i get to chat with you some more on here. – mother

  10. Congrats on getting Freshly Pressed, mother.
    Congrats. Not envious. Not jealous. Just fu*king congrats.
    Just. Just. Yeah. That’s right. Just.

  11. I’m here to say congrats too. Also, if I comment, then maybe I can be a bit cooler by association. It’s like high school all over again.

    Also, regarding this post: I need to be totally transparent with you and let you know that me and the Clown do everything but the boy costume (that’s for Eric only). If my totally effed up kid makes it into your blog one day as a result, then I will consider myself a successful mom. Fame, at any price.

    1. you two are allowed to break these rules. BUT, NO ONE ELSE. only you two. there, how’s that? and my request is that eric blog in the little man tate outfit, only. it’s only fair, me thinks. momma loves you, sara!!! loves!

      1. Eric in dressed as a schoolboy, of course. While blogging. I shall provide photographic evidence. It all made perfect sense in my head. But not everyone lives there….

      2. photos, please! it may be the only thing that gets me through this roaring current of commenting and writing a post and writing my book proposal. wifesy has already told me not to get caught up in these shennanigans today…it’s only 804am, my time, and i can tell you, all feels lost already! i like your head. :) – moms

  12. Congrats with the FP! Have fun responding to all of those comments! No, actually, it’s a lot of fun–enjoy it while it lasts, and with as great as your blog is, you’ll acquire many faithful returnees!

    Oh, by the way, sounds like you’re more than ready to be a mom :)

  13. Okay, first the kid leashes. I swore that I’d never use one, even though I saw them all of the time in England when I was a kid. But after I had boys, I reconsidered. Still didn’t give in, though as they just seem absurd, as do the short pants. What, is this Eaton? Puleez.

    Tits are not for toddlers–yes. I believe in breastfeeding, but come on. When they can sit on the potty by themselves, they have no business pulling your boob out of your shirt. Neverending breastfeeding might be cheaper, but you can bet it will breed some kind of psychosis. Just saying.

    As for jogging stroller, don’t believe in jogging, so why in the hell would I take my kid with me? Do they make them for moms?

  14. A few thoughts, in agreement:
    – breastfeeding was fine until the first tooth pops up, sharp does not feel good thus weaning is swift.
    – strollers are a necessary evil but umbrella ones work and they will fit on a bus or train, it’s equally important to walk your toddler until they can’t take another step THEN put them in the stroller to nap. This avoids the blob outcome pictured above.
    – I did think about leashes for my kids, until I saw one in person on a very unhappy kid. Kids will go against your will with every fiber in those little bodies, tethered or not.

    My cousin has a gayby boy with her wife, he seems to be a perfectly fine toddler, I doubt she used any of the things you listed.

    1. ok, THIS is a gorgeous and insightful and a beautiful comment. it deserves a follow from me and receive one, you shall. i am in complete agreement with the exhaust before stroller placement rule, as well as everything else you’ve said. and THANK YOU for commenting on something other than my fp’d post that is a high compliment indeed. very grateful, very humbled, very thankful. – mother

      1. :P aww shucks! Well this was the 3rd post I read of yours. I think I’ll follow you 2. I apologize in advance if my blog makes you hungry. Cheers!

  15. I witnessed a child on a leash today at the grocery store. It was horrible. I wanted to free the little three-year-old. My 1st grader shouted, “Why is that kid on a dog leash? Isn’t that mean, Mom?” So, I didn’t have to do anything but quickly go to a different aisle! :)

  16. Momma – You are an addiction. My own personal mind crack! This was hilarious and I agree with every single thing you said, which of course, sanctifies it.

    Loved this!

    P.S. Congrats on the holy grail of being Freshly Pressed … bows down before your bloggy awesomeness!

  17. Holy Hell Sweet Mother, you’re blog is by far the funniest I’ve ever come across. I’m so glad I found it!!! I literally just LOL’d at my desk. Talk about awkward…

  18. Interestingly enough, I assumed you were a male from your writing until reading your “about.” Hm….Don’t analyze too much into that, but it did catch me off guard! Hope you get that book deal :)

  19. I feel you on all of these things. Or rather, I did before I had children. All I have learned is that kids have a powerful way of making you eat your words… cram them down your throat and choke you kind of powerful. I have leashed my twins. I am not proud of it, and it only resulted in me having a twisted mess of limbs stumbling through the zoo, but at least we all limped out of there together.

    1. see, only a true parent could even mention something i wouldn’t have thought of — like the mess of tangled and twisted leashes!! you know, everything i say is a bit tongue and cheek. i understand why leashes exist. if my child ever went missing (when i even have him or her, that is) i would burn the four corners of the earth to find him. so, i GET preventing against that. it’s a shame they don’t make those electronic, invisible, leashes…wait, no, hold on — that would be awful!!! i’m just kidding. :) honesly, roller. thanks for coming by here and commenting especially on that post. hugs and laughter, mother

  20. In my experience, it is precisely those mothers who have railed against using leashes and participating in toddler breastfeeding who end up doing just that (um… ::raises hand::). But don’t worry, my (twin toddler) gaybies aren’t messed up in the slightest.

    1. oh, you may be right. you may be SO right, thiswillbe. and it’s nice to see another gay making a gayby on here. so, welcome to my cyber-kingdom. you are allowed to sit in the VIP section if you ever so choose. lol. seriously, thank you for reading that post and commenting. hugs, mother

    1. any woman who plans on birthing and raising a lion cub is tops in my book. unleash it. unleash it on the world. lol. seriously, thanks for stopping by here and for making me smile. – moms

  21. We do use the leash ourselves.
    I was against it when my wife first suggested it. I went on strike, and lost.
    I am now one of those dads you see with an offspring off a rope, except my kid bites through the leash. It’s costly.

  22. Bwhahahaha…I have a matching set of gaybies, no leashes, a functional stroller (with no cup holders), and they are just about over breastfeeding at 4 months (I would have liked to have gone a little longer but they had other plans, my earth-mother granola-lesbian membership was revoked as a result).

    I’m guessing that even despite my lack of accoutrements my boys are still going to find something to need to go to a head shrinker for at some point. I think it might be inevitable that, as parents, we’ll do something that is going to damage our offspring whether we like it or not.

    1. oh, fabulous, it is an absolute joy to find you here. you had me at, ‘my earth-mother-granola-lesbian membership was revoked’. looooolllll. loved it. i know, i don’t think it’s possible to have children without also eventually having them go to therapy as adults!! it’s inevitable, me thinks. anyway, a total pleasure to read your commentary. THANK YOU. and i hope to see you around here more often. xo – sweet mother

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