It occurs to me – much like Freud said – that all human beings care about is “work and love, love and work”. This is all we mainly talk about and all we mainly worry during the great majority of the day.
So, let’s talk about the love part. In order to maintain a good loving coupling, two must learn how to share a bed and not just for, as my friend Miranda says, “doing the nasty”.
Now, sharing a bed for sleeping is counter-intuitive, to say the least. The first thing your parents do is try and get you to sleep ON YOUR OWN. You learn to sleep by yourself like a king or queen – your limbs flinging here and there and everywhere at will – and then in adulthood, you are forced to reign it all in for more civilized boundaries. This can create discord, large discord – almost a river’s width in its breadth. (Note to author: Wtf, “river’s width in its breadth”?! Calm down, Walt Whitman.) No one talks about turning this unrest into peaceful rest for both parties. I mean, how does one go from being their own sovereign nation to joining part of a nighttime commonwealth without losing all that is right about him or her during the dark hours? How, indeed. Well, Sweet Mother is here to help. Let us begin.
1. Airspace rights. This happened to me just this morning. I was sleeping with Wifesy faced away from me. Wifesy turned and parked her rather large, Portuguese-American nose over my very small, Irish-American one. Then she had the audacity to say, “You’re breathing on me.” For moments when this occurs, I have developed the following fail-safe statement:
“You can NOT come into my airspace and expect me to shutdown my engine.”
Boom. That’s it. Whoever is in position first has airspace rights. The other person must either turn over or invoke the windscreen.
2. Invoking the windscreen. If you are sleeping and your nose-engine is pouring a gale force wind on to your partner, your partner is allowed to invoke the “windscreen”. They invoke the windscreen by loudly shouting “Windscreen!” – waking up the dog and the entire neighborhood out of their blissful r.e.m. states. Once windscreen is invoked a piece of fabric must go up between your nose-engine and your partner. It can be a part of the pillow, a piece of the duvet – what it can NOT be is part of a scarf dipped in chloroform.
3. Spoonage best practices. A human spoon is created when ‘partner A’ sticks their rump into ‘partner B’s’ pocket. I can not stress this enough. The rump goes in the pocket!! Not on the leg, not in the stomach! In the pocket. Diagram included. Note: if you are in a hetero coupleage or a gay male coupleage, you must address the night-boner. You are not allowed to just stick the night-boner all willy-nilly, as you please. You must inform your partner of the night-boner and together you deal with it before it escalates and you end up parking your log between his or her patient snowmen – melting and startling the snowmen and robbing your lady/ man of a precious night’s sleep.
4. Temperature regulation. Here’s the scenario – one of you runs hot in the evenings, the other of you runs cold. Usually in a straight coupling, the man runs hot and the woman runs cold in the evenings. When this happens, the man must temperature regulate. You do so by sticking your leg or arm out of the duvet into the colder air. If this doesn’t cool you down, you are sh*t out of luck. What you are NOT allowed to do is open a window. This is the cross you must bear for being legally allowed to sleep so close to an unprotected vagina. DEAL WITH IT.
Gay male couples — chances are both of you will be running hot. You are allowed to sleep outside in a hammock. See this for what it is – one of the few privileges bestowed upon the gays.
Gay lady couples — chances are both of you will be running cold. You are allowed to turn on the heat, even in summer. See this for what it is – a lady-gay privilege. After all, you’re not getting that “marriage deduction” tax break, so why not burn money as a “feck all” in protest.
5. Covers trade embargo. Every now and again you will find yourself on the losing end of a covers/ duvet/ sheet trade embargo. When this happens your significant other will scream, “Covers, why, why, covers, why?!” and start yanking this way and that of the covers while you toss and turn like a hot dog being turned on one of those roller heaters at the local, 7-Eleven. (Read deli or convenience store for the non-yanks.) When this happens your only maneuver is to endure it and wait for the trade embargo to cease. Once it does, you will undoubtedly be left alone with NO covers for this is how a covers/ duvet embargo usually ends. When that happens, wait for the initiating party to doze off once again and then yank your portion of the covers back.
6. Allergies, sinuses, colds. If you are suffering from allergies, a sinus infection, or a cold and you wish to sleep with another party then YOU MUST TAKE SOMETHING. We don’t care if you are “against pills” or if you believe that “pills are the very weakness of man” – we don’t feckin’ care. TAKE THEM. This is not 1812, you do not have to ride out the whooping cough until it leaves of its own free will. Take some Nyquil, goddamn it!
7. Night hitting. Okay, hopefully this does not apply to most of you. However, I did see an Oprah episode many years back where a woman would sleep with her husband and as soon as the lights would go out – he would begin beating her around the face and neck. Sh*tty doctors claimed this was a version of sleepwalking and the man “suffered it” due to Vietnam flashbacks. (Though, I’d make the argument that the only sufferer here was the wife!) So, every morning this poor feck of a woman awoke to a broken noses and black eyes. If this happens, I suggest divorce. If you are stupid enough NOT to get a divorce then please, for the love of all that is holy, SLEEP ON THE COUCH. And if necessary, wear a hockey helmet.
This post has been a public service. Please share it with friends and comment at will.
Yours in arms,
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