bed

The Great Sleep Accord of 2012

It occurs to me – much like Freud said – that all human beings care about is “work and love, love and work”.  This is all we mainly talk about and all we mainly worry during the great majority of the day.

 

So, let’s talk about the love part.  In order to maintain a good loving coupling, two must learn how to share a bed and not just for, as my friend Miranda says, “doing the nasty”.

 

Now, sharing a bed for sleeping is counter-intuitive, to say the least.  The first thing your parents do is try and get you to sleep ON YOUR OWN.  You learn to sleep by yourself like a king or queen – your limbs flinging here and there and everywhere at will – and then in adulthood, you are forced to reign it all in for more civilized boundaries.  This can create discord, large discord – almost a river’s width in its breadth.  (Note to author:  Wtf, “river’s width in its breadth”?!  Calm down, Walt Whitman.)  No one talks about turning this unrest into peaceful rest for both parties.  I mean, how does one go from being their own sovereign nation to joining part of a nighttime commonwealth without losing all that is right about him or her during the dark hours?  How, indeed.  Well, Sweet Mother is here to help.  Let us begin.

 

1.  Airspace rights.  This happened to me just this morning.  I was sleeping with Wifesy faced away from me.  Wifesy turned and parked her rather large, Portuguese-American nose over my very small, Irish-American one.  Then she had the audacity to say, “You’re breathing on me.”  For moments when this occurs, I have developed the following fail-safe statement:

 

“You can NOT come into my airspace and expect me to shutdown my engine.”

 

Boom.  That’s it.  Whoever is in position first has airspace rights.  The other person must either turn over or invoke the windscreen.

 

2.  Invoking the windscreen.  If you are sleeping and your nose-engine is pouring a gale force wind on to your partner, your partner is allowed to invoke the “windscreen”.  They invoke the windscreen by loudly shouting “Windscreen!” – waking up the dog and the entire neighborhood out of their blissful r.e.m. states.  Once windscreen is invoked a piece of fabric must go up between your nose-engine and your partner.  It can be a part of the pillow, a piece of the duvet – what it can NOT be is part of a scarf dipped in chloroform.

 

3.  Spoonage best practices.  A human spoon is created when ‘partner A’ sticks their rump into ‘partner B’s’ pocket.  I can not stress this enough.  The rump goes in the pocket!!  Not on the leg, not in the stomach!  In the pocket.  Diagram included.  Note:  if you are in a hetero coupleage or a gay male coupleage, you must address the night-boner.  You are not allowed to just stick the night-boner all willy-nilly, as you please.  You must inform your partner of the night-boner and together you deal with it before it escalates and you end up parking your log between his or her patient snowmen – melting and startling the snowmen and robbing your lady/ man of a precious night’s sleep.

 

Why so sad...when perfect pocketing has been achieved?

 

4.  Temperature regulation.  Here’s the scenario – one of you runs hot in the evenings, the other of you runs cold.  Usually in a straight coupling, the man runs hot and the woman runs cold in the evenings.  When this happens, the man must temperature regulate.  You do so by sticking your leg or arm out of the duvet into the colder air.  If this doesn’t cool you down, you are sh*t out of luck.  What you are NOT allowed to do is open a window.  This is the cross you must bear for being legally allowed to sleep so close to an unprotected vagina.  DEAL WITH IT.

 

Gay male couples — chances are both of you will be running hot.  You are allowed to sleep outside in a hammock.  See this for what it is – one of the few privileges bestowed upon the gays.

 

Gay lady couples — chances are both of you will be running cold.  You are allowed to turn on the heat, even in summer.  See this for what it is – a lady-gay privilege.  After all, you’re not getting that “marriage deduction” tax break, so why not burn money as a “feck all” in protest.

 

These two women run hot, but the world prefers to see them running naked.

 

5.  Covers trade embargo.  Every now and again you will find yourself on the losing end of a covers/ duvet/ sheet trade embargo.  When this happens your significant other will scream, “Covers, why, why, covers, why?!” and start yanking this way and that of the covers while you toss and turn like a hot dog being turned on one of those roller heaters at the local, 7-Eleven.  (Read deli or convenience store for the non-yanks.)  When this happens your only maneuver is to endure it and wait for the trade embargo to cease.  Once it does, you will undoubtedly be left alone with NO covers for this is how a covers/ duvet embargo usually ends.  When that happens, wait for the initiating party to doze off once again and then yank your portion of the covers back.

 

Making up after a covers embargo...

 

6.  Allergies, sinuses, colds.  If you are suffering from allergies, a sinus infection, or a cold and you wish to sleep with another party then YOU MUST TAKE SOMETHING.  We don’t care if you are “against pills” or if you believe that “pills are the very weakness of man” – we don’t feckin’ care.  TAKE THEM.  This is not 1812, you do not have to ride out the whooping cough until it leaves of its own free will.  Take some Nyquil, goddamn it!

 

7.  Night hitting.  Okay, hopefully this does not apply to most of you.  However, I did see an Oprah episode many years back where a woman would sleep with her husband and as soon as the lights would go out – he would begin beating her around the face and neck.  Sh*tty doctors claimed this was a version of sleepwalking and the man “suffered it” due to Vietnam flashbacks.  (Though, I’d make the argument that the only sufferer here was the wife!)  So, every morning this poor feck of a woman awoke to a broken noses and black eyes.  If this happens, I suggest divorce.  If you are stupid enough NOT to get a divorce then please, for the love of all that is holy, SLEEP ON THE COUCH.  And if necessary, wear a hockey helmet.

 

This post has been a public service.  Please share it with friends and comment at will.

 

Yours in arms,

 

Sweet Mother

 

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Photo creds:  lez-spoon, perfect-pocket, straight-cuddle, bed-feature

99 thoughts on “The Great Sleep Accord of 2012

      1. Yes, Mother, but you’re assuming your partner is reasonable and will negotiate! And by the way, my wife punches me during her dreams. Sometimes, it’s a pretty good one! And, she teaches aerobics, dreams about it, and starts running in her sleep. All these things and more need to be addressed. However, I do agree with “the pocket” being important. All joy in getting the temperature just right for everyone. HF

      2. oh, the ‘sleep-kicker’ – you indeed have your hands full, harper, your hands full! lol. thank you for stopping by here and reading this nocturnal diatribe. it is much appreciated. – mother

  1. hahahaha… hockey helmet…
    point number 5 reminds me of an episode from ‘Friends’ “hug, roll and pull” hehehe..
    i dont know which category will i fit in… i guess before i decide whats my best option i need to find someone.. :P

    but yes i do sleep alone for now like a king or queen or president
    but i think i know i wont have any adjusting problem .. i know.. i think i know..

    Now i have all the tricks i need i just need someone to sleep with (i mean after i fall in love) :)

    1. you will find someone, little miss. after all, you have good taste since you like this blog. :) be patient. it took me FOREVER to find my mate. and as dan savage says, “all relationships fail, until one doesn’t.” until then, enjoy the kingdom of your bed!! xo – mother

  2. Mother,
    I can’t comment on this. I know what’s good for me.
    Some other party might, and that’s all hunky dory.
    But I’m shutting the fu*k up.
    Your devoted friend,
    The Clown

      1. is this a star trek reference? the padawan part or is that a dish at a chinese restaurant. shrimp with padawan sauce? wtf is happening. it was only a matter of time before this thread was corrupted. i’m glad it happened by both of your capable hands. – MOOOOOOTHER!

  3. This post had me laughing so hard. The covers trade embargo was my favorite!

    If you ever do an update, I suggest adding people who move a lot in their sleep or when people get up in the middle of the night to get water/use the restroom. There should rules about how violently you can move in/out/around the bed so that you don’t frighten your partner out of sleep because they think there is an earthquake. :)

    1. ooooooohhhhh, so, well said, shannon. so well said. i’m only sorry i didn’t think of it when writing this. but, if there’s ever a part 2… consider it done. :) – moms

    1. they are not real. seriously, they are like made out of clay or something. it’s a photo i found on flickr – from an artist’s exhibit and they’re also mini-sized. oh the bounty the internet yields!! lol. morning, adrienne! – me

      1. ron mueck, is that another star trek reference? sara, are you making me google sh*t???!!! oh, right, that’s the artist!!! damn you for knowing everything! lol.

  4. We call stealing all of the covers the bedtime burrito in our house. Usually it’s my boyfriend who does this, because I usually am too hot to want to roll myself into a cocoon of blankets that will ensure my death in the event a night fire. Great post! Thanks for the PSA. :)

    1. ’tis true. there are some women who ‘run hot’. hot blooded broads, of which you are one. thank you for enlivening this discussion with the new term, ‘bedtime burrito’. i will use it often! – mother

  5. I’m a big fan of separate beds. Ha! Seriously, we are much happier in our relationship in all ways since we gave up on the idea that happy couples must sleep in the same bed. The problems with our bed-sharing were manifold and included his sleep-talking, massive temperature differences, and snoring issues. We’ve been together 23 years this year, and things are still smokin’ hot when they should be, and we both actually get 8 hours of sleep now. ;) Still, loved the post. Very cute and charmingly funny. Thanks for making me laugh! It brought back a lot of memories from when the hubby and I thought we had to sleep together and the things we struggled with.

    1. oh, leta, you are a highly more evolved creature than the rest of us, let me tell you! i commend your lucy and ricky situation, but i love gently contouring around mini-wifesy and i’m willing to endure fighting over ‘air rights’ in order to do so… ‘to each his own’ as it were. glad you enjoyed it tho. i like to be ridiculous! – moms

      1. I wouldn’t say more evolved so much as in desperate need of getting good sleep for some pretty important health reasons. As I said, the reasons were manifold for our decision, and my health and the deterioration of it due to interrupted and lack of sleep was definitely one of them. I’d love to be able to sleep with him for the reasons you say, but alas it was not to be, and now we are much happier (and healthier) since giving up on the idea that a good marriage stems, in part, from being in the same bed. Discovering there are other options that don’t mean the marriage and romance and hot sex is over was good for us. :) I’m glad you don’t have to discover that at this point! :)

  6. I’m laughing my butt off! I run cold and my husband runs hot at night. Since it still gets chilly at night, he doesn’t turn off the heat because we have two little ones who do not like to stay under the covers and we need to keep the house warm for them. Even so, I still get cold. So, what usually happens is, I’ll roll myself under the covers into what my husband calls the “eggroll.” During the night, when the spouse gets cold, he’ll struggle to pull the blanket from under and over me. And then it’s a fight as to how unfair it is because one has more blanket than the other.

    1. your husband is a good man. my dad was so cheap…he used to say things like ‘turn the heat off it builds character.’ well, not exactly, but close and that love that term the ‘eggroll’. between the ‘eggroll’ and the ‘bedtime burrito’ i could do a whole ‘nother post! seriously, this was awesome, mai. thanks for commenting. xo – mother

  7. Love this post! It had me laughing out loud! Fortunately my wife and I love sleeping next to each other, but we also have a king sized bed. I would recommend that to all couples! Lots of space, but you still get to be next to each other.

    M

    1. true dat, new friend. true dat! i cry when wifesy or i are away for work and can’t sleep together. literally, cry like a silly baby. we have a queen size bed and i love it, but sometimes there IS a commotion over ‘airspace rights’. still i wouldn’t have it any other way. ;) – moms

  8. Oh mother!

    … what happens when the lady runs hot ;) my ex called me a human electric blanket.

    I have to open the window, luckily The Engineer copes just fine.

    Cover embargos are easily solved with separate quilts. I was horrified the first time I encountered them, 10 years on I wouldn’t swap them for anything!

    1. hello kanerva, oh, the outliers of the female species. now, seriously, i believe women run in extremes on this thing – either super hot or super cold. for me, my limbs get cold, but if there’s not fresh air i feel like i’m suffocating. wifesy would have a rain forest like atmosphere in our bedroom if i let her. so, we compromise! the key to everything really…and separate quilts! i’m learning so much from this post today…i never even thought about that. love that you stopped by here, kan. thanks for doing so. – sm

  9. Guidelines to live by, for sure. They should be printed out and posted near all shared beds. The only thing I couldn’t find on the list was what to do when your significant other chows down on Chipotle before bed. Surely a bedmate should not have to suffer the intestinal side effects of another.

    And I’m sorry if that is too gross. But something tells me that for you, Sweet Mother, it is not. :)

    1. oh, chipotle, that blasted chipotle. perhapes, ‘blasted’ is not the best word to use here. no, i am never above fart humor so thank you for adding this to the convo, carrie! HOOOOOW, did i not come up with it myself? flagrant omission. a flagrant omission, indeed.

  10. I loved this. Reminded my of when my Husband and I started sharing a bed. He had never shared a bed with a woman before so after a while of adjustment we bought a huge kingsize bed and now sleep peacefully.

  11. I enjoy reading your posts! I started a new blog on Word Press, I know just enough to be dangerous….
    I can’t not figure how to add a tag or is it a category> Confusing???
    Any light you could shed would be helpful.
    thank you

    1. i think if you go to the main wordpress.com – there are tutorials under the support tab, i think. but, it’s really easy, when you make a post, look down – the box to the lower right of the page will say tags, right in the subjects you think your post is about separated by commas and wa-la! – sm

  12. Ah Mum…clearly you are not old enough for the M word yet. I’m over the Menopause now but there are still times during each night when the doona [like a feather duvet?] gets kicked off while I thrash around a queen sized bed sleepily groping for a cool spot :( I think the only cure for the M word is separate beds and / or separate rooms [I have the window open all year round but then again we don’t get snow so that helps]. I know cuddling is nice but something approaching 8 hours of sleep is better!

    1. i tell you, i am not looking forward to the big M. although i tend to like hot better than cold. there’s no such thing as cold flashes, right? thank god. nah, we manage to sleep most of the time – if anything between wifesy and i the thing that keeps us awake the most is anxiety. we’re like happy mental patients most evenings. just part of life, i suppose. as always, love seeing you here, ac. – momma

  13. Straight couple with snoring&running hot female, running extra cold male (yes, I’m sure I’m the female) – our solution:
    1. no clothes for female, double layer clothes for male
    2. earplugs for male (earplugs are definitely under-rated)
    Loved your guidelines though. Let’s spread them to the world!

    1. hello there, sannekurz, you two are awesome. lol. sounds like you have found your way and worked it out! and i’m sure your man likes the ‘no clothes for the female’ rule. always a plus for a guy, me thinks. oh and the snoring, oh, lawd. that’s a tough one, every now and again, i wake myself up snoring and i swear to you, i startle myself. i’m always like, ‘who was that? who was that snoring? oh me.’ totally nuts. thank you for stopping by here and commenting. it’s nice to hear how other couples ‘cope’. ;) – sm

  14. My solution: is get a king bed, spoon or cuddle for a few minutes then move to your separate side and sleep apart so you both can get a good nights sleep! I hate trying to cuddle sleep, it is never comfortable, and nobody feels well rested in the morning!

    1. same here! we start with a tight spoon and often part like the red sea, eventually. too funny. you can’t cuddle forever, if you like your own circulation, that is. but, it’s fun nonetheless. thanks for the comments, bettie!

  15. LOVE IT!! This should be on every night-side table, you know, in case you need to review the rules once in a while. You should add something about people who talk in their sleep. – Ana (female who runs hot, snores, and sleep talks)

    1. wifesy laughs in her sleep. i’m not kidding. it’s the cutest thing. i like to think she’s dreaming of me when she does that. ;) thanks for commenting, new friend. – mother

  16. Dear god I almost did not click because that couple cuddling scared the crap out of me. But then like a car wreck I had to see what it was.
    I break all of these rules. But I was born defiant it can’t be helped.

    1. rules are meant to be broken. it’s so funny how that couple creeps everyone out. they’re not real. it’s an art installation. i think made out of clay… too funny. thanks for coming by, new friend. it’s always good to see you around these here parts. – momma

  17. OK, so 2 things about this article:

    1) I never realized how much naked lesbian spooning was HOT! Might have to give up watching straight porn now.

    2) I forgot #2 since I was too busy engrossed with #1.

    1. he, he, ha, ha, rob, i feel ya, my man. and sadly, i’m not above exploiting two cute lesbians for ratings, i mean views. i think that is a porn shot, i don’t know. i stole it, but i gave credit, i gave credit! wah!

  18. We deal with #3, #4, #5 and #6 on a nightly basis. We don’t have an airspace problem, but we do sleep on opposite sides butt-to-butt (or cheek-to-cheek) which just doesn’t work as well as standard spoon cuddling.

    In regards to #5, my man “ratchets” the sheets away from me as he flips over all night long, leaving the cold-running girl cold, and the warm-running man super sweaty. He also has an iron grip, which means I often must manually un-roll him in the middle of the night. Most nights, this process is still sufficiently amusing that I don’t kick him to the couch.

    1. um, this is hilarious. i can see you tugging at those covers with his big bear claws locked around them. too funny. and the butt-to-butt, i didn’t mention that one, but i should have! great comments, gryffkin, thanks for stopping by here. – moms

  19. So much good stuff here… I’m a pretty small person and I have to have a King size bed. I guess I don’t like to share.

    I wondered if you would cover it, and you came close. My gigantic hubs has this awful thing that every once in a while he wakes me up from a deep sleep in the middle of the night flailing around because his arms fall asleep and he can’t roll over. Apparently the only solution for him is to freak out, use his whole body to pop up, and make a huge production out of it. It’s about the scariest thing ever. I’ve tried to re-create it, and I’m pretty sure I can roll over without using my arms. So much drama at 3 AM! Oh well, I guess it’s better than getting punched in the face.

    1. lola, YES, it is so much better than getting punched in the face. lol. oh, man, you made me laugh out loud. everyone is nuts in their sleep. i’ve had dreams where i’m playing tennis and wifesy says suddenly my arm will shoot out and apparently try to hit an imaginary ball. strange. very strange, but hilarious nonetheless. thanks for stopping by here and sharing that. it made me smile. – moms

      1. Love those crazy things we do in our sleep. Have you ever woken up from a dream hysterically laughing? Best feeling ever! Anyway, my hubs is not dramatic and not a whiner at all, but he’s actually severely hurt his shoulder doing this. Can’t help but laugh… sorry that it’s at his expense ;)

  20. Windscreen. Yes. And it makes me so happy that you included a pic of the spooning couple and she’s got a real woman’s body. Seriously. The spooning skinny girls are cute but I bet the chick with the belly just had seven orgasms. That’s why she’s sleeping.

    1. oh. my. god. kate. your comment just killed me, killed me! ‘that’s why she’s sleeping’ – – loved it. and all hail the normal sized girls in my opinion. not to sound like a dove commercial, but still. anyway, thanks for saying that. it put a smile on my face. – mother

  21. Oh my, the wit and wisdom of this post. I would like to note, however, that the snoring issue was not addressed (or is this issue assumed to be covered under provisions one and two, Air space rights and Invoking the Windscreen?)

    I find that waking my husband with a YOU’RE SNORING, ROLL OVER AND STOP works wonderfully. :).

    1. i know, i can’t believe i didn’t go into more depth with that one. i guess because wifesy and i don’t snore all that much. my mother snores a great deal. we shared a room on vacation once and i had to go and sleep in the hallway! i don’t know how you do it! lol. great commentary, brigitte. always good to see you here. – moms

  22. This was fun to read, and I’m sure it will come in handy when I’m actually out of high school :D I’m sure point 2 will be my biggest issue, I can’t stand being breathed on.
    Thanks for future advice!
    XoXo Radium Rollercoaster

  23. I think this explains why married couples (at least in some parts of the country) used to sleep in separate beds… even separate rooms. I once wondered why my grandparents had separate rooms. I don’t anymore.

    1. lol. separate beds, indeed. i always call that the ‘lucy/ ricky situation’ because that’s how they slept on the ‘i love lucy’ show. so funny. thanks for stopping by and reading, shannon. – moms

  24. I have to admit, I ALMOST just tagged the “like” button, looked at your 4,000 other likes and 6,782 comments, and got up to make a cup of tea (I’m hours behind your sunny time zone right now). But I can never, ever, NOT read you because you’re so much fun, even pre-caffeine. For the record, I run hot, and mercilessly so when my monthly frienemy is knocking on my inner girl parts, er, door. My husband would prefer to sleep on an entirely different planet on these nights, but knows I’ll yell at him for a) not being as strong of a woman as I am b) not bearing children c) not putting the lid down on the toilet last night causing my ass to make contact with the water I just peed in d) breathing.

    1. -giggles- spot on Stacie – especially the bit about the caffeine. Between you, Mum and the rest of the people posting here I feel as if I’ve come home :D

  25. After 4 years of my boyfriend complaining about my snoring, me getting to hot under the duvet, he waking up and playing games on the PC in the early hours in the same room, TV on too loud, me sleeping on the couch for over 1 year etc…. we finally figured out away to sleep next to each other and this solution has made us so much stronger!

    The answer is!

    Top and tail!

  26. great post, but I don’t think you touched upon the number one problem in my cohabitation bedding habits with my husband: SNORING! By night, my sweet husband turns into a buzzsaw that will not shut off. I have hence become a sleepfugee, which i think will be the topic of my next blog post, by your inspiration. But, I don’t think I’m going to post it to my usual facebook crowd. Too embarrassing, but the truth needs to be told.

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