faghag

Fag Hags for Gay Girls

Gay men get to have all the fun.  I mean, where is my fag hag?  Sure, there was a time when my sexuality was straddling both sides of the fence and maybe I was even considered one – but truly – now that I’m in a stable lesbiana relationship, I want my stable (or unstable even) MALE, fag hag!  Where is he?

 

Fag hags as Wikipedia states are often stereotyped as, “outgoing women who are seeking a substitute for heterosexual relationships, or who are secretly (or openly) attracted to gay men.”  Wikipedia goes on to say a bunch of other interesting things like and I’m sort of paraphrasing, “There are also straight women who have an open sexual interest in gay or bisexual men, these women are called, GIRLFAGS.”  Whaaaaattt?  Girlfags??!!  I have another name for them – SELF-MASOCHISTS.  I mean, who in the hell would want to run a race when you’re never given a shot at the prize?  Like that lady from the band, Garbage says, “Stupid girls.”

 

But, where – oh where – is the totally straight, totally smart, slightly dumpy male counterpart for the lesbiana woman?  Where is he?  Wikipedia thinks he exists.  Wikipedia calls him the “lesbro” or the “dutch boy”.  Dutch boy, really?  Like on the paint can?  Or like a dude from the Netherlands?  What the hell are they talking about?  Lesbro, I can see, sure.  The lesbro is like the little boy who plays with the tomboy girl as a kid, but all grown up.  It indicates a relationship with lots of back slapping and arm punching.  To me, it indicates a dude who is friends with a butch-lady.  I’m just saying.  So, why do the gay men and the butchies get to have all the fun?  Seriously, I’m envious, where is my fag hag?

 

Gay dudes have more fun.  I’m telling you, they do.  Well, they do, stop arguing…and here’s how:

 

Bars for Gay Men are BETTER – sorry, my lez-sistahs, but they ARE.  They’re just better and gay men are so into cruising and spending their dual-income-no-kids money that the bars for gay men are trendy, expensive, outrageous, and FUN.  Ever been to a lesbian bar?  Every once in a while you get a cool one, but mostly, they are like the snooze-fest, library-experience of the nightlife scene.  Picture a quiet reading, book club event, compared to the boot-stomping, good fun of go-go boys and men grooming one another like dogs in heat.  It creates a different energy, me thinks.  Now, I’ve been to some killer lesbian parties, don’t get me wrong, but they usually happen about once a month on an alternate friday and you have to know the promoter – the promoter who singlehandedly knows EVERY lesbian in the Los Angeles area, more or less.

 

Gay Dudes Have More Fun with Fashion – this is changing, thank god.  Shows like the L Word and a hot looking lesbian on a TV show here and there – that exposure is changing our stereotype.  You know the fanny pack, golf shirt, khakis look – it’s changing, thank god.  The gay men have understood the whole , “if you’re gonna be queer, why not where whatever the feck you want” thought process for longer than the lesbians.  But, there has been progress on the lesbian side.  They’ve even come out with these hot clothing lines for the butch – set.  I have a very good, quasi-famous, lady-gentleman friend (butch) and she dresses like this – sort of like a James Dean, but with lady parts.  It’s awesome.

 

More Fun with Money – I just said it above.  There’s actually a term for it – dual-income-no-kids or DINKS.  Gay men have so much money that Madison Avenue has actually coined a phrase to use when going after their coveted dollars, “Go after the DINKS,” cause the dinks have got cash to burn.  No one wants the advertising dollars of what I call myself and Wifesy – THE OINKS.  You know, one-income-no-kids.  No one wants to cater to the OINKS.  There is no OINK-targeted cool vodka.  Oh, how I wish there was.

 

Regardless, with change and time and added liberties comes a much needed equality.  The lesbianas are dressing better.  Like all women out there, we’re fighting for more dollars.  And we’ve decided if they can’t sustain more than one night at a goddermed lesbian bar than feck it, we’re going to the cool-looking venue for the gay boys.  So, it’s time…

 

Where’s my fag hag?

 

Wait, hold up, I have one more thing.  The term fag hag just does not work for the lesbian community, in my humble opinion.  Lesbros is cool, but it’s still not quite right and Dutch Boys?  Again, I don’t even understand what that means.  Why doesn’t it work?  Well, the term fag HAG – too negative.  She hangs around fags and she’s a hag.  Sorry, but part of that term is saying – she’s an ugly witch and no straight dude would ever want her.  Nope, I don’t think that’s totally true.  It’s a snap judgement and therefore, probably more indicative of the bitchy queen that made it up more than anything else.  I’m the owner of my own life-time-vag, so I think it’s only fair that I get to make up the term.  Plus, a person who hangs out with another person AND either a) doesn’t want to make sexies with them or b) has too many insecurities to find a similar person of the opposite sex – well, they have enough problems without also calling them ugly to boot.

 

So, I’ve come up with a new term.  I would like to now present, a new name for the Male “fag hag” – a male who prefers the company of lesbians, introducing…

 

The Lez Luther

 

He’s stylish, but usually has a stain on his shirt.  He’s fit, but in a chubby way.  He’s smart, but just emotionally damaged enough that he hasn’t found the right straight lady yet, he loves women (there are no buts with that one), and he’s a progressive.

 

He is…

A LEZ LUTHER.

 

He might look like…

 

Paul Dano: definitely a Lez Luther candidate.

John Goodman: such a Lez Luther, come on!

Luther Vandross: It takes a lot of something to go from this fat to this skinny and still remain cute. And, hello, his name is already Luther! He's got the goods.

 

He’s weird, he’s got issues, but yet there is something attractive about him.  He likes woman and he knows that if he hangs out with the lesbians long enough, he’ll find what I call a, “straight stray” – a woman who just wasn’t sure about her sexuality.  But, now she’s hooking up with her lesbian friend’s Lez Luther, and now she’s pretty sure…(thanks to Lez Luther’s faithful tutelage) that she’s a straight.

 

Now, there are lesbians who will fear a Chasing Amy or a – god forbid – Anne Heche scenario – the supposed-to-be-a lesbian who goes off with her Lez Luther and becomes a straight – a just like everybody else.

 

I think we have Ani DiFranco to thank for this.  I love Ani, but she has fecked up the collective psychology of lesbians by creating an album called something like, “Rude Dyke” and then marrying two DUDES.  Okay, maybe that wasn’t the name of the album, but the vibe was like that – in a good way – early on in her career it was dyke, dyke, dyke, and then she married two dudes!  (Not at once, but still.)  Some of us can handle that (I pretty much can), some of us can not (it annoys the hell out of Wifesy).

 

"Okay, maybe this was false advertising. I like both the ladies and the dudes."

 

I say, don’t fear ladies.  People are going to do what they’re going to do.  There is no stopping them.  There will always be full-on gays, there will always be full-on straights, and there will always be the switch-hitters.  You’re biggest issue – just make sure the person you choose has enough sense to know who they are or at the very least very seriously pursue such a quest.  If you’re with someone like that, they won’t be all over the map.  They’ll be solid and true.

 

Anyway, in my mind…my mind is the beast that likes to think of a gaytopia living inside a straight world, mano y mano, with lots of open progressives who get it.  My beast of a mind likes to think it’s less about “do you like the chorizo or the panini” and more about do you love that particular person.  In that world, there are fag hags and there are lez luthers.  We all enjoy each other’s company with a twinkle in our eye and a chuckle on our lips because humans are nutty.  In that world, everyone is happy.

 

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Sweet Mother is updated daily.  If you’d like to follow this blog, you can do so by clicking the “follow” button at the top of the page.

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You might also like:

The Fat and the Fury

Gayby’s Big Gay Vet Van

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Photo creds:  Paul Dano, John Goodman, Luther Vandross, Difranco, fh-feature

79 thoughts on “Fag Hags for Gay Girls

    1. i know. i think it’s so hard. i’m not sure it works between straight men and women that way… i’ve always thought it was possible, but now – not so sure…but, there are a lot of good guys out there, so who knows. keep on truckin’ sistah! make that dream a reality. ;0 moms

    1. oh, you are SO my karen walker. it is ON. you’re too cute to be hag-ish though…but, if you have other issues, that will even out… lol. momma loves you, pinky. loves!

  1. It’s because we straight men have calculated our chances of a hot threesome with a dedicated lesbian couples to be somewhere around .000000003%. Trust me this gets brought up at EVERY straight guy meeting by some newbie EVERY …
    It’s always, “Hey if we hung out with real lesbians wouldn’t our threesome options increase?”
    They just don’t understand how I guess.
    I kid of course but a brilliant read as always SM …
    v/r
    Beers

      1. Sorry, too late. I’ve taken an advance on the fee. BTW, aren’t you gonna do the lesbiana version of the “Homosexual Lifestyle Approval Forms”? I wanna see your version!

    1. beers, i’m so glad you liked it. one day i’ll tell the story about how a guy came up to me and wifesy sitting on the train platform and he was like, ‘i just want to say you’re both so beautiful, so beautiful…’ and he was like shaking. wifesy and i had to try really hard not to giggle. i mean we’re both cute and all, but i’m not sure a guy would’ve walked up to us solo in the same way — it was the idea of us together, well, sh*t i’m not sure i want to know what was going on his mind… lol. anyway, momma gets it. i SO get it. i’m still holding out for a lex luther though… i have a few, but they’re all married… and – rightfully so – their wives get worshipped, that’s why you need a single guy to… i don’t know what, stroke our egos? lol. anyway, all in fun, all in fun. ;0 mother

      1. And you are good looking as well…I’d be following you around like a damn puppy! :-P

    1. lol. wendy, i didn’t know you had it in ya! lol. a great relationship in a way, but be careful wendy-momma’s gotta get out that frustration somewhere and i worry about you amongst all that meat in the meat plant! i’m just saying…lol. xoxooxox, moms

      1. Oh don’t worry about me…not the first time I’ve been surrounded my young, tender meat…so far, I’ve managed to behave myself (and it’s been a whole week!) :-)

    1. see, but the cute lex luthers always get married… i don’t think gay guys lose their fag hags at the same rate! lol. why is life so unfair! so unfair. he, he. you’re a total lesbro. i knew it. just knew it. ;) mother

      1. Well, it’s not that we “lose” them, it’s more like we exchange them for better ones. But in my world they’re not really called hags, actually, it’s us the gay men who are called “walkers”. As in, we’re the people arm-in-arm with the divorcées, widows and desperate housewives.

      2. yeeeeeessssss….to all of these things. and i really like the term ‘walkers’ too… i mean really LIKE!! it’s like you’re walking the ladies AND you’re karen walker… blllllah, okay, back to coffee. losing it.

  2. You can borrow my husband. He would be perfect! And he makes really good No-Bake Cookies. Just sayin’. ;)

    1. :) sounds like you have an amazing hubby, if he doubles for a lez luther! lol. and no-bake cookies??!! She-sus (like Jesus, but a lady) that’s cool. xo, moms

  3. I’ve just always called both male and female people who hang around with gays of the opposite sex, fruit flies. I think it’s a nicer term than fag hag.

  4. I actually know someone who is this exactly, and i never before knew what to call him. He is straight, but a hard core sex addict, and comes across gay in every way, though he’s bedded far more women than anyone i know. I’m so happy to know that all along I’ve actually had a Lez Luther

    1. christine, this comment is delicious!! lawd, lawd. you have a lez luther, indeed, careful with that one. he sounds like a handful! lol. thanks for reading, mother.

  5. Would you have to worry about a Lez Luther’s propensity for evil and his obsession with superman? I think that could ruin a night out….”oh, I’ll be right there, but first I have to wrap some kryptonite around Superman’s neck and dump him in the hot tub.”

    1. yes, he doubles as a superhero. thank you for getting the connection. when he’s not fighting le penguin, he’s hanging out with la lez. or at least that’s the way it goes in my fantasy mind… maybe i should have watched less ‘league of justice’ type sh*t when i was a kid? lol. – mother

    1. Oh and also, my last boyfriend was best friends with a lesbian chick before we started dating, so it is possible. They worked together at a coffee place and then both got jobs working at the same Trader Joe’s after that. We were constantly hanging out together painting. I think it worked as a friendship because they were pretty much the same person, but in different bodies. A lot of the same interests and styles and what not. So don’t give up hope. You Lez Luther is out there. :D

      1. yes, ’tis true. i think we lezos have lez luther brains. it’s all one and the same, like a collage or as i like to call them – oprah ‘vision boards’. your husband sounds amaze-balls though. and he worked at trader joes?! we’re moving and i’m almost sold on a place because it’s right behind one, literally. that’s how much i’m jonesing for my t.j.’s. ay yay yay. thanks for reading, christen. much love, mother

      1. She lives near me and It takes all of my self control to not be creepy and go drive past her house. But I dont want to be creepy, so i just think about driving past her house.

  6. Gay bars are the best, no question about it. The first time I went there I danced with a man wearing nothing but a thong, got pulled up into a dance cage by a drag queen, and someone accidentally rubbed their penis on my leg. I thought…”I’M HOME!”

    1. that penis rub was no accident! the gays have told me as such! lol. jesus, jen, momma loves you. much more than you know! i think we could destroy a bar somewhere. i’m just sayin’. xoxo, moms

  7. I have never been a fag hag but I always loved hanging out with my gay brother. He was super fun and had an excellent taste in music. Plus it was always fun checking out hot guys together. He died in 2001 and I miss him so much.

    1. ugh, sweetheart, that is terrible. just terrible. your brother sounds like he was AMAZING. i have a gay brother too, so i can relate. i call him a lumberjack gay because he has no style, as is stereotypical of the gay boys. but, he is great with music also… he’s a music teacher. him and wifesy have taught me about everything that’s important musically – like pj harvey and jack white, just to name a few. anyway, thanks for leaving this comment here. it’s nice to read about what a tight and great relationship you had with him. really nice. much love and hugs, mother

  8. OMG, you totally described the Oklahoma City gay scene between the Copa and El Paseo. Gay guys have ALL the fun. They totally called me the fag hag and it was all good until 1) I was the unwelcome straight girl at a party that turned out to be an Eyes Wide Shut remake with all gay guys and 2) I moved, got married and had 3 kids. Turns out you can’t sustain friendships with the gays by talking long-distance about Will & Grace alone: you actually have to hang out. I miss my gays… *sigh*

    1. ok, winn, the ‘eyes wide shut’ remake sounds HILLLLLARRRIOUS. and cray-cray. you made me laugh out loud. yeah, the gay guys are awesome, but when they’re going to get their horn-dog on – RUN. lol. and don’t worry, you’ll find new gays…after all, you have me. ;) – mother

  9. I’m old, I’m straight, I’m divorced and even I wouldn’t mind a lez luther! Or maybe I’m thinking of a hagfag? No offence – the hag is me! Almost wet myself at oink. Mum, you’re the best!

    1. okay, hag-fag??!!! i’m only angry that i didn’t think of this first! lol. made me laugh out loud, andrea, out loud! too funny. we all need a lez luther, me thinks. mucho loves, mum

  10. I had a friend who hated monogamy so he married this crazy bi-sexual lady who had left her Baptist deacon husband after she did the deed in the church choir loft with another deacon’s daughter. (They don’t call us a redneck state for nothing.)

    So, my friend thinks he’s got a match made in heaven until his new wife starts bringing mentally ill homeless women home for threesomes and a sandwich.

    He moved on – to Florida.

      1. i welcome jerry springer stories in the comments section and i’d say there were two comments with such a likeness in this very post alone! love the jerry springer stories, try not to invite the jerry springer into my life, but LOVE hearing them from other peoples. as always, love hearing from you, pinky. i need to catch up on your blog, too. you’ve had a bunch of headlines i’ve wanted to read. me and wifesy have been so crazy moving into LA though that i’m having trouble barely keeping up with my own. but, i will. oh, i will! xo, mother

    1. oh. my. god. what a fantastic and INSANE story. loved it. well, sh*t good thing he moved on. but, “threesomes and a sandwich” — i mean that is so, SO good, you need to write about that if you haven’t already. it’s just so feckin’ nutty that it’s brilliant. oh lawd. oh lawd. maybe the women weren’t even gay… they might of been just hungry? oh, no. no. no. no. lol. great comment, sheilah. seriously. xo – mother

  11. Lez Luther is priceless! Nice job. On a different note, your comment section always runs off the side of my page. Heck, maybe it’s my problem, but you might want to check it to make sure it’s not happening to others and you need a new format. Anyway, all joy in finding a Lez Luther. I could probably do the job, but my wife won’t let me. She’s convinced all women secretly want me even those of the Lesbian persuasion. What can I say? I do have a killer smile! HF

    1. hey harper, what browser are you using? internet explorer? i’ve had to tweak this template a bit, but i haven’t heard of anyone having that problem. however, IE doesn’t work with these theme seamlessly, so i’ve been working with its makers on that… but, let me know what browser you’re using. i want to see what you see. and thanks for letting me know. your wife is a smart woman, not every person has integrity whether straight or gay! lol. anyhoo, thanks for reading this. it’s always great to see you here. – mom

      1. Yeah, using internet explorer. It shoves all the comments to the right side of the page and then only let’s you see a part of them. I guess it’s probably on my end although you are the only one I have had trouble with. I mean with which I have had trouble. (I hate those pesky prepositions!) HF

  12. Thanks. I should write it up. Hope that agency work doesn’t kill you creative voice. I did it for years. If it weren’t for Maker’s Mark, I’d be dead.

  13. Dutch Boys? They can’t come up with anything better than that? Seriously? It doesn’t even rhyme, doesn’t even roll off the tongue like Fag Hag. Serious miscarriage of justice here.

    As to Dinks, was good friends with a pair a lifetime ago. Never paid for a meal or wine or pizza or cds. Bonus, ding-ding-ding!

    I can deal with Di Franco’s waffling because of that voice, but Heche? Kind of scary, and not in the good way.

  14. SM,
    I’d like to see the image of a clown as a Lez Luther…
    Enough said, I’m working on it.
    Le Clown

  15. SM–just stumbled on your blog and am loving it!

    Here’s a question. I’m a straight woman but most of my close friends are lesbians. And I’ve spent many an evening playing wingman for friends at girl bars. But I don’t think there’s a name for chicks like me. One friend suggested Dyke Likers, which isn’t bad, but there must be a better term.

    Your thoughts?

    1. ok, madame, this is HILARIOUS. i don’t know, someone said that straights who hang around gays are often called, ‘fruit flies’, but i don’t like the term. i’m always swatting at flies. hmmm, let me have a think. dyke likers is a little too close to dyke lickers, which has a different meaning entirely i’m sorry to say. lol. sorry again, but you opened that door. all i did was walk through it. lol. how about “man-lovin’-lez-likin’-dame” — nope, probably too clunky. hmmm. i’m gonna have to do a part 2. ;) anyway, glad you found me and us and we here – it’s a fun little space and i hope you enjoy it. much love, sweet mother

      1. That was actually what I told my friend who suggested dyke likers, that it could easily be confused with dyke lickers–which is usually a different thing but not necesssarily. Fruit flies seems to be more for followers of gay men rather than women. But I’m a purist–I prefer “fag hag.”

        I thought of Straight Sisters of Sappho but that’s a little formal for my tastes.

        Anyway, please do mull it over. And thank you for the kind welcome! I’d be your wingman any day. ;)

        xoxo Mme Weebles

      1. ok, but ‘logged in a couple of days’ is sooo good. so good. it made me laugh out loud. sometimes god gives you freebies. i say roll with them. te, he. har, har. ugh. why am i attempting to spell out my laughter?

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