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I Wish I Had a Food Blog

The other day I was deveining shrimp because I’m an idiot.  Most people realize that you can buy shrimp fully de-shelled and deveined.  I suppose I did realize this, but then I saw the fully intact shrimp and the ultra cheap price attached to them and I lost all sense.  I thought, “Oh, wow, all I have to do is take the shells off of these shrimp, in order to save an entire 3 dollars on this massive quantity of expensive little buggers.”

 

This shows you, instantly, that far more goes into a bargain than price.

 

Now, I knew I’d have to take the shrimpies’ little dresses off, but I was clueless about deveining.

 

I started the process after Wifesy and I had finished our evening meal.  I was going to de-shell these shrimp for tomorrow’s cook-off – okay, dinner, it’s not really a cook-off.  However, cook-off sounds more exciting, so feck it, I’m using it.  As I was preparing the shrimp for the cook-off, I said to Wifesy, “Oh, man, these things still have the veins.  I guess I’m supposed to devein them?  Can I just leave it?  Can we eat them with the veins?”

 

To which Wifesy, who is a Veterinarian and was a Marine Biology minor said, “You realize what the veins are on shrimp, right?”

 

Me:  “No, but I assume a canal used to transport blood back and forth…”

Wifesy:  “Nope, poop.  It’s their poop chute.”

Me:  “Oh, She-sus (lady Jesus), Mother of God, Sweet Mother Divine, Lord our Savior, Harriet in the Heavens Above, I’m going to have to devein these!!  I will not eat shrimp poop.  This is not Lesbian Survivor!”

 

Hello, poop chute in quadrant 4!!

 

Wifesy just laughed.  Wifesy loves chuckling with me, she’s a doll that way.  So, I deveined away and it was gross, arduous work.  I don’t want to make you lose your breakfast/lunch/dinner/aperitif, but let’s just say these little feckers can poo around the entire circumference of their little bodies.  They swim around all day, literally surrounded by their own excrement.  No wonder Matisyahu won’t eat them.  Imagine, being literally and not metaphorically surrounded by your own waste all day and you think you’ve got it bad?!  Best not to be reincarnated as a shrimp.

 

So, I deveined the suckers – more like changed their diapers, but I suppose no one would buy them if told the truth – which took FOREVER.  Then I spiced them up with cajun spices and Mexican chili powder, salt and pepper, and a little butter.  The next day, I mixed my spiced, naked shrimp with some raw onion and dumped it all into my grill basket.  Wifesy and I have a rather large grill outside the house, since we live on the surface of the sun where it never rains.  We took the shrimpy, grill basket and other meat-product accouterments down to the barbie and fired it up.

 

Things were going well.  The chicken breasts were charring on one side.  The sausages were plumping nicely and all seemed just right with the shrimp basket, until…

 

Yum-a-dum-a-ding-dong!

 

Until I flipped the derned thing!  I flipped it and I didn’t have the basket latch fully closed and suddenly fecken’ shrimp everywhere.  I watched in horror as a good quarter of them cascaded down through the grill slats and died in the fire.  I swallowed a sob and gently picked up the individual shrimp with my tongs, slowly, deliberately, in an effort not to lose any more.

 

It was in this moment that I realized how similar my shrimp experience was to my comedy career.  A tremendous amount of hard work put into something and then practically throwing it all away.

 

I’m reaching a touch here, but I swear to you, that’s what I thought of as I watched the shrimp tumble into the fire.  I’m transitioning in life, switching up my nouns, from Comedian-Writer to Writer-Comedian and it’s been a lot of work, all over again.  Just when I think I have it, I’ve forgotten to close the latch and I almost have to start from scratch, so to speak.

 

The blog is a good example.  I started it after almost selling my first book and then starting a second one.  I worked on the second one for a year and then hated it and threw the entire book into the fire.  I was so annoyed by that experience that I thought, “I need feedback.  Comedians get instant feedback.  I need that from my writing.  I’ve got to start a blog.”

 

Now, starting a creative blog is WORK.  Everyday you need to think of a new and hopefully amusing or at least touching story or idea.  Some of the time, I hit it.  A lot of the time I don’t.  In those moments when I don’t, I wish I had a food blog.

 

How can you ever run out of ideas when you have a food blog?

 

You can talk about every restaurant experience you’ve ever had.  You can re-make every Paula Deen/ Julia Child recipe.  Sh*t, you can start a blog about remaking every single Julia Child recipe and then sell the thing as a feckin’ movie!  And then retire to France!!!!  She-sus Christ, I want to step in a pile of golden shrimp poo like that!

 

In the meantime, I keep deveining things over here in an attempt to figure out the recipe for landing a writing job.  I’m afraid it might be this:

 

Recipe for a writing job

 

  • 1 part bj to top network exec
  • 2 parts family friend who is a top agent
  • 1 part hard work
  • 3 parts accidentally letting your car get hit by daughter of the guy who created Breaking Bad
  • 1 part actually selling a book that other people actually read
  • 4 parts knowing better, more connected gays.  (You know, being a part of the Velvet Mafia and not the Gays-Just-Out-of-Rehab Club.)

 

Is that the award-winning recipe?  I have no idea.  I’m still experimenting and trying to figure it out.  Maybe it has something to do with my sh*tty Linkedin account.  No clue.  If anyone else knows, please tell me.  I’ll devein all of your shrimp for the rest of your life, if you find me the answer.  Hell, that’s what I’m here for.

 

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Photo creds:  feature, wine-bbq, shrimp

93 thoughts on “I Wish I Had a Food Blog

  1. deveining is disgusting and never worth the savings…gack! And I guffawed at the shrimp basket misfire (sorry but that was funny).
    I’m glad you’re here. Yer funny, you should be a com….nothing. Nevermind.

    xo

    1. lol. hilarious comment, mags. glad you liked it and i almost threw myself into the fire like the indian ladies used to do after their husbands died when that shrimp basket opened!!! lol. – sm

  2. Writing a humor blog is a pain in the ass. But a joyful pain in the ass. Food blogs are easy. Take a pretty picture. Write a recipe. Done. Writing humor that hast been done before is exhausting. When I used to do stand up in my college years I used to sweat balls trying to come up with new shit. That’s why I sort of like writing.

    But I’ve gone through a tough spell lately trying to come up with good shit again. Feels like I’m back in those college days. Except, this week I got a gift from the heavens.

    http://themainland.net/i-may-have-just-freaked-out-tawny-kitaen/

    1. i just read that, rob. i thought it was HI-larious. too, too, funny. i’m hearing you, it’s a rat race to come up with shit. and i want a job NOW. but, all in time, all in time…lol. xo, sm

      1. Thanks. If I didn’t have 2 kids and a wife to support, I’d leave my boring ass cubicle behind and work for $2 an hour writing nutritional info for cereal boxes. Yeah, I want a real writing job now too.

  3. It’s not that easy to have a food blog :) Especially with kids because they need my time first and they won’t always like or eat my latest experiments. Do you think they will eat rabbit if I tell them it’s chicken?

    1. i know, it’s probably not easy at all. that was just me being an a-hole. everything looks easier than what you’re actually doing! from your side a comedy blog probably looks easy. lol. and no, i don’t know how in the hell anyone blogs AND raises children. i can barely handle this, my book, and my dog…i’m telling you! xo, sm

    1. don’t ever try it! it’s not worth it. i’m telling you! i have learned this the hard way. lol. glad you liked it and thanks for following. welcome to my crazy-assed cyber world. much love, sweet mother

  4. *grins* no not a food blogg! Invite a website where one can download food over the internet the same way one downloads music and apps! Really! Genius!! How we are not living like the Jetson’s by now is beyond me! Lol.

  5. I love reading your blog. You consistently have entertaining stories and strong insights. It’s fun to read and, at least since I’ve been reading, usually makes me think about the subject matter for longer than the five minutes I spent on the page.

    And that shrimp recipe sounded delicious, by the way. I may have to attempt that, though I’ll be sure to buy deveined shrimp.

    1. i’m so glad to hear that, you have no idea. it’s comments like this that stop me from chucking the whole thing. and i really mean that. and never buy anything, but deveined shrimp!! i’m telling you, SO not worth it. lol. thank you, badfads. seriously. xo, sm

  6. I don’t find deveining to be that difficult or time consuming. Well, not much. Aside from having to do it in cold running water with cold shrimp and freezing my fingers off. Taking requent breaks to warm up said fingers, and then finally having nasty looking grey things to cook up. So I pay the higher price for shimp that someone else had deveined.

    This is also why I don’t eat the yummy looking spiced shrimp on the buffet at most Chinese places. They have not been shelled. If they still have the outer shell, that means they were not deveined. And I personally do not want to eat the poop chute.

    1. loooooool, oh, lawd, urban. i will keep that in mind from now on. never thought of it before, but of course, any thing that still has the shell is gonna still have the poop chute and no way, no how, momma’s not going there! lol. always good to see you here. xo, momma

      1. i know it so rained, but i love to lie on here. lol. and jesus, will i ever find the answer to that… i have no idea. ay yay yay. but, toil on we must… xo, sm

  7. Yeah, found out that little secret quite some time ago (re: shrimp), although I must admit I’ve not always deveined. Yes, I know ew-w-w, but seriously if you’ve had shrimp in a restaurant, more than likely some of that poo was included in the tasty tidbits. Food blogs, I’m sure would be easier, but there are so-o-o many, so would that be any better? Probably knowing many humans of both/any/all orientations, would work in one’s favor as well. Or, it could just be luck. Harvey Earl Wilson said, “Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.” Rut-ro, hope I’m not SOL.

    1. loool. ouch, there’s something about that quote that hurt. lol. but, seriously, who knows what the equation…it’s probably mainly that preparation + persistence quote, in all likelihood. and i love that you admitted for not deveining. for that admission, you will forever be loved here, brigitte! forever! lol. xo, sm

  8. I would read any book you wrote about any species’ poop chute. When you get your book published–you noticed I used “when” not “if” because it’s happening–I want that first sentence to be a blurb on the back cover. I know it won’t mean much to anybody being written by a nobody, but you can attribute it to Kato Kaelin.

    1. ha, ha, ha, DONE AND DONE. i would prefer for your to write all cover copy and blurbs, you’re much wittier and more talented than anyone else out there. thank you for this. it made me smile AND warmed momma’s heart. double bonus. xo

      1. I bought the bread for the picture today! The label also says 100% Natural, which I found particularly amusing. I’ve also made Mike (that’s husbandsy in your lingo) drop and break one of my good wine glasses as I read out to him from a coming post called: A Gay Guide to Sextiquette- which includes a post based on your article: Oops: De-veining shrimp; Where did the hot chocolate come from? It also includes: Oops, sex with the black man & Oops I was drunk, who are you?

    1. Funny you should say that because I specialize in wrong! In fact I’ve got a PhD in it. That’s how sweetmother and I met, we were both at Regent’s Park, Oxford working on our respective thesis’ in wrongdom.

  9. My husband once cooked a shrimp dinner for us without realizing that you have to devein/depoop the shrimp first. I had a really hard time choking that meal down so as not to hurt his feelings. Because he was so proud of himself. But I like to think I won big karma points for that one.

    Don’t do a food blog–your blog is much more interesting!

    1. looooooooolll, you are a GOOD person for doing that. seriously. good lawd. did you ever tell him afterwards? and thank you for the kind words, they really do mean a lot. – sm

  10. Well, thanks, you have now ruined my enjoyment of a favorite food. I eat them at restaurants and now I can’t be sure if they have been depooped or not. Please, don’t do a food blog and I don’t want to know what’s in hot dogs! HF

    1. ha, haaaaaa, so sorry, harper. but, it’s true, it’s true! and so gross. lol. hey, are you seeing the comments section better in this single columned post? thank you, dear friend. – sweet mother

  11. My knowledge of a successful writing career is based on Californication. If that show resembles real life in any way you must add equal parts love and lust. Plus a healthy sprinkling of Jack Daniels and 1 pack of cigarettes.

    1. tried all of those things… not as of yet successful. will keep trying the jack and maybe the cigs if my asthma will let me. wifesy won’t let me do the other one. lol. uuuuuggggh, it will happen. it will happen. xo, sm

      1. The thing with asthma and cigarettes is you’ve got to have a lot of willpower and put in some work! I have chronic asthma, which is kind of unpleasant, but I’m determined to beat it by smoking 2 packs a day. As long as you have an inhaler with you at all times, it’s not so hard to manage!

  12. I liked your shrimp/comedy analogy. And don’t feel bad about dropping food, I’ve seen all kinds of food hit the floor over the years. Just laugh and throw it away. Today we lost of pan of oven fries, dropped by a cook with 23 years of food production experience. Food happens, sweet mother.

    1. i have a 30 sec rule with food hitting the floor. i read somewhere that it takes 30 secs for bacteria to cling to food. so, i swoop it up before then, unless it’s like a turkey pot pie all filled with gravy…which happened once. that one was a goner. lol. xo, scrounge, xo. mother

  13. Now you have told us about poo chute prawns have you thought about starting a ‘what you didn’t want to know about food’ blog? One that tells us these things we don’t really want to know, like when you eat out the prawns are served complete with a garnish of poo, or what is really in the secret sauce….

    I don’t know the recipe for landing a writing job but it can’t be related to your Linkedin account, I heard it is a nest of Danish ped…. never mind.

    1. metan, this is hilarious and an amazing idea!!! i’ll set my interns upon it at once. lol. seriously, someone should do that if i don’t. it would be so funny. and the danish ped…too funny. xo, sm

  14. There’s a trick to deveining shrimp (take it from a Baltimore girl) — you use a small, curved knife and a quick flick of the wrist, and you can pop the poopers off very quickly. I would have CRIED over losing all those shrimp, though! Next time I buy some that aren’t deveined, I’ll have someone video the deveining technique and send a link to you.

    FWIW, I sort of have a cooking blog — I just haven’t posted anything on it in a month because I’ve been too busy with life, dailymomprayers, and, well, more life.

    I cannot fathom why your comedy career struggled. You’re actually funny, which is more than I can say for about 90% of the people who are getting paid to do comedy.

    Cheers!
    Kelly

    1. i was leaving you a whole comment and then wp c*ckblocked me outta my own site… anyhoo, i want to check out your blog more. i actually like food blogs. shhhhh, don’t tell anyone. lol. and thanks for the kind words on the career. i actually did make a living at it at one point and had some successful spots on tv shows, i think i struggled bc all comedians do. it’s such a highly competitive field bc everyone from the waiter to the financial exec thinks he can do it! but, time to transition here a bit…i’ll get there, me hopes. awesome comment, kelly, thank you. but, most importantly, is your mom okay? i’m going to keep her in my thoughts. hopefully she’s alright. xo, sm

      1. Bless your heart, Sweet Mother — the name of my non-food blog is “dailymomprayers” ;) My mom is very much okay, and getting ready to go exploring in South Carolina for a few days, just because South Carolina happens to be there and she has lived 67 years without exploring it!

        The food blog, if you search it, is “Kelly Lucia’s Recipes.” I think I have about ten posted :)

  15. I have written on my own blog before that on days when I’m posting a recipe, I’m basically announcing that it’s a lazy day for me. You’re so right…coming up with new, substantive material that strikes a chord is hard. Of course, now that I have a TON of material with the baby and all, I have very little energy to actually write it. Le sigh.

    1. ems, i’m AMAZED that you’re writing, reading, and commenting as much as you are! seriously. very, very impressive. take care of yourself and that baby. we’ll all be here to read you when you feel rested. and so awesome on the fp. so awesome. xoxo, sm

      1. Oh, I have to! Blogging is my escape right now. If I cut it out of my life right now I’d literally lose my grasp on reality. It makes me feel like a human when in actuality I’m kind of just a sleep-deprived milk machine. I’m ok with the whole milk machine thing as long as I can still be a grownup online.

  16. Oh man I almost hugged the computer screen in the hope that it would make you feel better after shrimpgate! Just keep writing, even if it’s rubbish (or you think it is, but actually is very clearly amazing writing!) and then one day you can pull this whole blog into a book! Please keep writing though you make me giggle so much!

    1. rin, this is an awesome comment and i LOVE that you called it ‘shrimpgate’ — LOOOOOL. anyways, you are awesome. thank you for coming here and i hope you come back for more. xo, sm

      1. I’ve been reading for a while but the comments go all screwy on my bf’s laptop I read late at night huddled on the sofa thinking of something witty to say and hope to remember it by the time I get to my work comp but alas!!! Anyway I must go spread the word of chi now, you must carry on with your noble mission of educating people about shrimp poopchutes!

  17. So I write 2 blogs (work and personal) and I feel the same about coming up with new material, but I don’t have the pressures of doing a post a day because neither blog’s subjects can sustain that. (I’d be wasting my followers’ time.) However, as a blog reader, there are quite a few posts that are really good and then there are the handful of blogs that I follow religiously. (Yes, you are 1 of them.) And for some reason, I feel like it’s work for me to leave comments that add some type of value to the writer. I got in my head that it is an equal exchange of sorts: blogger makes effort to write a thoughtful/funny/insightful post with great pics and my comment should be thoughtful/funny/or-hey!-I-read-the-post comment. Oh, the pressure… LOL ;) Love your posts as usual SM. And I’m still thinking about how to comment on your LinkedIn post…

    1. winn, this is such a cool and funny comment. i hear you. i struggle with the same when commenting elsewhere. so, sometimes i hit the like button and go. i know people prefer a comment, but what can you do. you have to reserve your energy some where. so, don’t sweat it over here! comment when you can, just because we like seeing your face. i like saying ‘we’ as if there’s an office over here, when it’s really just me. i suppose it sounds less creepy when you say, ‘we like seeing your face’, as opposed to ‘i like seeing your face’ – perhaps that’s one reason i pluralized myself. lol. anyway, i sooo hear you. and if i get the job i want, i don’t know how i’m going to keep this up, but i’m going to try… and thanks for following me. honestly, it means a lot. xo, sm

  18. If i find out such a fantastic recipe, I promise to share. :D I love the poop chute reference, and now think of it everytime I see shrimp! Keep it coming Sweet Mother because this is one awesome blog!

  19. So you fully understand how painful it was for me to get demoted fry cook to the guy who deveins the shrimp.

    Funny food blog could be your niche. If Wifesy weren’t a vegetarian, I could look forward to posts about how to prepare baked raccoon or something.

  20. hahaha… :)
    i love food blogs and follow some of them because the pictures they put in their posts are so tempting…. and you never at what time you stumble upon a recipe so easy that even a person as messy as me could use…..
    i think i can be a great cook, if i stop being lazy and stubborn

  21. Sweet Mother!!
    I’m your 50th “Like”!!!
    What do I win? What do I win??
    You’re going to name Gayby Le Clown, right? Right?
    Le Clown

      1. Yay!!! I’ll get one too, so we can be BFF4vs. I’ll just add “Sweet” to my “I love Mom” tattoo. It will read “I Sweet Love Mom”.
        Le Clown

  22. Fuck me, you’re popular. Rightly so, of course. The thing that really stood out in this blog are the out of focus wine glasses and how much I need a drink. Oh and all the other really funny and well written stuff. Best of luck on that famous writer recipe. You can use me as a reference if you like.

  23. sorry to turn serious here, but buying shrimp in their shells has an added bonus…just put the peeled shells in water with some cracked pepper, a little white wine, some thyme, or whatever you like, and boil them for a while- and you’ll have a nice stock that you can mix into a pasta sauce, fish soup, etc. actually, just google “stock from shrimp shells” enjoy SM…no, i don’t mean enjoy S & M I mean er- well, yes, you can of course enjoy S & M..i mean Sweetmother…whew! anyway, continue…

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