The following are the thoughts that go through my head right after I notice that my tremendous follower count has gone down. When my follower count goes up, there is very little reaction. Perhaps, a barely perceptible raise in the corners of my mouth and that is it. I suppose negativity and neurosis feed my clown. How I wish it weren’t so, but I’m old now – not Betty White old, more like Zac Efron old – and I’ve come to accept such things. When good things happen to my WordPress stats there is a tiny jolt to the electrical circuits of my central nervous system, but when bad things happen there is a full on brain storm. And I don’t mean the good brain storm that creates new ideas, I mean the bad brain storm that creates hysteria. Witness the carnage and enjoy.
Min 1: Yesterday my follower count was at x31. Now, it’s at x30. What happened to you #31? Where did you go? Why? OH WHY, DID YOU UNFOLLOW ME?
Min 2: You put an X before the #31 because you don’t want people to know that you have a follower account in the triple digits. You’re afraid that if other people know this they’ll tell you to shut the feck up. They’ll take you out and stone you in the WordPress Village for being so greedy! But, you know, just know, that there are other bloggers out there with follower counts in the quadruple digits, like this guy! OH, HOW I WISH I HAD A FOOD BLOG!
Min 3: Maybe this blog is too gay. Maybe #31 is a homophobe. You don’t want the homophobes to like you, now, do you? You sort of do? What’s wrong with you?!!
Min 4: Maybe this blog is too cocky. Maybe this blog is too arrogant.
Min 5: Maybe you’re not talking enough about your gayby. You used to always mention your gayby and now it’s like your non-existent, future, child is dead. What is wrong with you?
Min 6: You got freshly pressed and now you want to get freshly pressed again. Just who in the feck do you think you are? MC Hammer? You make a ton of money (ok, views) off of one hit and now you want to blow your wad on pants that are way too roomy in the crotch??!! Even Vanilla Ice would tell you this is a bad investment!
Min 7: Being freshly pressed has destroyed your graph. And now that utter graph disappointment had destroyed your creativity. Everyday you wake up to a graph that is barely visible in comparison to your FP’d day. You have to jostle the cursor-pointer back and forth over the miniscule graph bar to even view the numbers like some sort of crazed autistic. This is completely true, yet no one will believe you. Show them the video.
(Note: In this video I am re-enacting the voice of both Ethel Merman and Edith Bunker combined while I fiddle with the pointer. It is a very loud, shrill voice. It is also very cathartic. I suggest you turn down your monitor if you are at work.)
Min 8: #31 came here because the following search terms led him astray: “between chubby and slender women which one are sweet when having sex” (I’m not kidding!), “bunny with down syndrome”, and “where do I find crack whores in manhattan”. But, once #31 realized this is NOT a blog with maps detailing where to find manhattan crack whores, filled with pictures of dancing bunnies with down syndrome, and articles discussing the difference between rubenesque and slender women having sex, well, once he realized that he immediately unfollowed. Fine, #31, but had you only given me some time, it could’ve been all those things for you and more.
Min 9: I don’t care who unfollows me. If they unfollow, it’s because they weren’t meant to be here in the first place and perhaps “my voice” is not the best for them.
Min 10: Or they have no sense of humor.
Min 11: Or they fell dead from laughter and as they came crashing down on to the keyboard, the cursor was precariously resting over the unfollow button, their body weight accidentally pressed it, and now their souls will never rest as they scream out from hell, “NOOOOOO, I LOVED SWEET MOTHER UNTIL THE VERY END.”
Min 12: Maybe the unfollows would rather follow a blog by Larry David, which would be an entire blog ABOUT NOTHING!!!
Min 13: It’s fine if you unfollow me, I don’t take it personally. I know it only means that we are not the right fit.
Min 14: If anyone unfollows me today, I will take it very personally. I will find your address. I will come to your door and sing nothing, but Celine Dion songs using the voice of Alvin the Chipmunk, until you recant and re-follow.
Thank you and good night.
Sweet Mother is updated daily. If you’d like to follow this blog, you can do so by hitting the follow button at the top of the page.
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