unfollow

Why Did You Unfollow Me Today?

The following are the thoughts that go through my head right after I notice that my tremendous follower count has gone down.  When my follower count goes up, there is very little reaction.  Perhaps, a barely perceptible raise in the corners of my mouth and that is it.  I suppose negativity and neurosis feed my clown.  How I wish it weren’t so, but I’m old now – not Betty White old, more like Zac Efron old – and I’ve come to accept such things.  When good things happen to my WordPress stats there is a tiny jolt to the electrical circuits of my central nervous system, but when bad things happen there is a full on brain storm.  And I don’t mean the good brain storm that creates new ideas, I mean the bad brain storm that creates hysteria.  Witness the carnage and enjoy.

 

Min 1:  Yesterday my follower count was at x31.  Now, it’s at x30.  What happened to you #31?  Where did you go?  Why?  OH WHY, DID YOU UNFOLLOW ME?

 

Min 2:  You put an X before the #31 because you don’t want people to know that you have a follower account in the triple digits.  You’re afraid that if other people know this they’ll tell you to shut the feck up.  They’ll take you out and stone you in the WordPress Village for being so greedy!  But, you know, just know, that there are other bloggers out there with follower counts in the quadruple digits, like this guyOH, HOW I WISH I HAD A FOOD BLOG!

 

Min 3:  Maybe this blog is too gay.  Maybe #31 is a homophobe.  You don’t want the homophobes to like you, now, do you?  You sort of do?  What’s wrong with you?!!

 

Min 4:  Maybe this blog is too cocky.  Maybe this blog is too arrogant.

 

Min 5:  Maybe you’re not talking enough about your gayby.  You used to always mention your gayby and now it’s like your non-existent, future, child is dead.  What is wrong with you?

 

Min 6:  You got freshly pressed and now you want to get freshly pressed again.  Just who in the feck do you think you are?  MC Hammer?  You make a ton of money (ok, views) off of one hit and now you want to blow your wad on pants that are way too roomy in the crotch??!!  Even Vanilla Ice would tell you this is a bad investment!

 

"These look good, right?"

"Bad choice, dude. Much like this outfit."

 

Min 7:  Being freshly pressed has destroyed your graph.  And now that utter graph disappointment had destroyed your creativity.  Everyday you wake up to a graph that is barely visible in comparison to your FP’d day.  You have to jostle the cursor-pointer back and forth over the miniscule graph bar to even view the numbers like some sort of crazed autistic.  This is completely true, yet no one will believe you.  Show them the video.

 

(Note:  In this video I am re-enacting the voice of both Ethel Merman and Edith Bunker combined while I fiddle with the pointer.  It is a very loud, shrill voice.  It is also very cathartic.  I suggest you turn down your monitor if you are at work.)

 

Min 8:  #31 came here because the following search terms led him astray:  “between chubby and slender women which one are sweet when having sex” (I’m not kidding!), “bunny with down syndrome”, and “where do I find crack whores in manhattan”.  But, once #31 realized this is NOT a blog with maps detailing where to find manhattan crack whores, filled with pictures of dancing bunnies with down syndrome, and articles discussing the difference between rubenesque and slender women having sex, well, once he realized that he immediately unfollowed.  Fine, #31, but had you only given me some time, it could’ve been all those things for you and more.

Photographic evidence: and yes, of course, I purposely cropped the photo on 'sweet clits'.

 

Min 9:  I don’t care who unfollows me.  If they unfollow, it’s because they weren’t meant to be here in the first place and perhaps “my voice” is not the best for them.

 

Min 10:  Or they have no sense of humor.

 

Min 11:  Or they fell dead from laughter and as they came crashing down on to the keyboard, the cursor was precariously resting over the unfollow button, their body weight accidentally pressed it, and now their souls will never rest as they scream out from hell, “NOOOOOO, I LOVED SWEET MOTHER UNTIL THE VERY END.”

 

Min 12:  Maybe the unfollows would rather follow a blog by Larry David, which would be an entire blog ABOUT NOTHING!!!

 

Min 13:  It’s fine if you unfollow me, I don’t take it personally.  I know it only means that we are not the right fit.

 

Min 14:  If anyone unfollows me today, I will take it very personally.  I will find your address.  I will come to your door and sing nothing, but Celine Dion songs using the voice of Alvin the Chipmunk, until you recant and re-follow.

 

Celine and I don't make threats, we make promises. So, please for the love of Sweet Mother stay subscribed. And enjoy these gently crushed ice cubes we are now throwing at you...

 

Thank you and good night.

 

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Sweet Mother is updated daily.  If you’d like to follow this blog, you can do so by hitting the follow button at the top of the page.

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Photo creds:  MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Celine, unfollow feature

112 thoughts on “Why Did You Unfollow Me Today?

    1. nooooooooooooooo! lol. this parody is not working out as planned. i’m going to have to delete this post. after it gains about a million more views, of course. ;) sm

      1. That’s true. I forgot I’m not living in Europe any more where it does stay like this every. single. day. And I will feel extra special knowing that you will be thinking about me and if the weather is good, I will know I have you to thank for it.

  1. My guess is they were probably deceived by the title of your blog. They were probably expecting some sort of sugary sweet mommy blog with loads of recipes about sticky buns. Well, I guess you do talk about sticky buns sometimes, but not the kind they had in mind.

  2. It’s me, I keep following and unfollowing people, screwing with their minds. I try to do it many times a day, almost as many times as I refresh the My Stats page. Does everyone have the, 3 minutes have gone by and the number is still the same panic?

    1. yeeeeeeeesssss, everyone does. and it sucks. and i have it on my phone and my wifesy is going to kill me. i read your post as we were lying in bed. and she almost threw my smartphone in the toilet! and she doesn’t understand, ‘hold on, it’s only pinky!’ yet! YET. lol.

      1. As long as it is not the song from the Titanic movie we are good. Heard someone playing that at Benihana the other night and the whole table, all of us strangers, stopped eating and turned to glare. I have never felt so connected to my fellow humans. So in a way that song brought us together. Granted, it was as a community of people who wanted to take that flute thing and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine, but we all came together for a common goal. Hmmmm. I don’t know what to make of that.

      2. looooooolll. it means you are my kinda people. i would’ve been right there with you. absolutely hilarious. the titanic song may be the only one out there that actually makes me want to drown myself…just sayin’. looool. xo, sm

  3. Up there on the right where you have: You are following this blog (manage). Remove the (manage), it’s too tempting. Change it to: Move your hand away from the mouse.

  4. I don’t want to unfollow you, but I really want to hear you sing Celine Dion songs in an Alvin-the-Chipmunk voice. That is exactly what I need to hear when I’m trying to decide between chubby and slender women which one are sweet when having sex.

    1. “chubby and slender women which one are sweet when having sex” — is the name of my new comedy album. thank god, that humanoid stopped by here and left me such a gift. looooool.

  5. ARG, my number in the orange box went down today. Probably because I have not posted a blog. But my eyes are burning and my feet are too hot and my bed is singing siren songs to bring me back to home and sweet sweet slumber. I don’t look at the following number. That way, when I accidently see it, I’m pleasantly surprised. Now, can I use my coat and shoes and unobtrusively make a bed under my cubicle desk?

    1. you are SO smart not to look at the numbers. i have a number addiction. and thankfully we are all the bosses of our own bloggedty blog spaces. so, i say feck it, vacation when you want, and write when you want. this is your right! i am the norma rae of blogging. UNION! lol. xo, sm

  6. I follow you. I don’t make a big deal about it, so, I’m not registered in your number, but I’m here. I count. Sure, at first I thought I was following Betty White, but then I realized you weren’t talking about Allen Luden, but I stuck around. How about a little love for those of us that are faceless. Wait! What! You’ve got almost 6,000 followers. Feck off!!!!

    1. that’s my facebook acct, goddamn it!!! i meant to put that in the list. i do NOT have 5000 +. i have like 700+, sssssshhhh. when i connected fb to wp, it added in my fb friends who only partially ever read this sh*t. looooool. but, i LOOOOOVE you, harper. will you ever do a fiber rich pic for me? i’d love to do a profile on you. love to. i think you’re so talented. xoxox, me

      1. Okay then, but 700 is pretty darn good. I don’t know that I believe in profiling. I’m kinda a live and let live guy. I appreciate the love. You join a long line of lesbians that love me. Most weren’t lesbians until they loved me. Funny how quickly they found out their true orientation after being with me. Anyway, I’m glad we got it all straighten out–well, not all straight, but you no what I mean. I shall continue to follow your exploits and enjoy every minute of it. Something none of the women I dated that became lesbians ever said to me. All joy in laughter. HF

    2. Oh, I love your name, Harper Faulkner. My granddaughter’s name is Harper. I’m not sure why I am telling you this on someone else’s blog. But I do read this blog…..and the comments! Does that count for anything?

      1. That does count for something. We allow all back and forth chats and hellos by readers in this section…;) sweet mother

        Sent from my HTC Inspire™ 4G on AT&T

  7. That is really funny!! I loved it. I’m still new in the wold of blogging. My first blog post was created less than 2 months ago, and I count my followers every day hoping and praying for the number to increase :)

    1. i’m so with you, nikky, so with you. i only started mine a little over two month ago too…wait, i’ve done 85 posts, so it’s almost 3 mos. hang in there. and let’s see if i can’t raise your follower count, eh?

      1. OK..seriously did not realize that you had only been gracing us with your presence and presents of words for 3ish months! (Yeah, didn’t pay attention) Now I want to scream how jealous I am, though I think you deserve all your acclaim and followers, etc. Still, I am jealous, and want you to mentor me, even though I have been blogging here waaaayy longer. I’ve been telling the hubs I must just suck and am going to give up because I write what I feel is an Amazing post (like my current one), and am sure it will get pressed (Hope like hell it will), or at least be my personal best on views, and then I check the stats for the 100th time in 2 hours and still only have a lousy 3 likes and 28 views for the day. Well, eff me!
        Okay, sorry, had to rant a bit…
        Again, totally just humbled in your hilarious presence!

  8. Ahh, yes, I remember the post freshly-pressed blues myself. The good news is, I no longer care about the numbers. I just have a blast interacting with those wonderful souls who keep coming back.

    Very funny post (as always!) I love when you do your minute-by-minute mind thoughts. :)

      1. Why, yes, I do enjoy numbers, especially a good statistical analysis every now and then, however, I have become less enamored with those word press stats. Out of site, out of mind, right?

        I tweeted Rob that someone thought I was married to him. I told him to consider himself lucky it wasn’t the case…

      2. Someone? Really? I don’t even have a name. Oh, well. Some of us still crave recognition like Mother and I. All joy anyway. S O

  9. I have this problem, but opposite. I wonder if people will notice if I un follow them. I have not disliked someone’s blog, but I find It has been months since I clicked on them to read. It just doesn’t draw me in. Is it better to still follow, but not read? Or simply unfollow. What if one day they will all of a sudden catch my fancy again? What to do?

    1. i know. i know, nc. i feel you on this one. my inbox is a stream of blogs. i try to read as many of them as i can, but in truth – it’s impossible. totally impossible. and the drawn in thing is real too. you might like the person, but not the content or something. i have no idea what the answer is…none, whatsoever. xoxo, sm

  10. My advice to my fellow insecure bloggers: Buy server hog software. That’s what hackers use to take down websites by overloading servers with fake hits. You can adjust it to keep your stats REALLY high! EVERYDAY! It’s kind of like fake-it-til-u-make-it.

  11. This made my day!! It’s nice to know I’m not alone on this. Of course, I only have 5 followers and 2 are my sister and niece but I’m still new here.

    It’s Twitter that drives me nuts.

    I was fortunate enough for Joan Rivers to post about me on Twitter after a show we did together and I got 900 new followers in 1 day! I was so stoked. I thought, “Finally people are going to pay attention to my hilarity!” Nope. I rarely get re-tweeted and I lose on average about 5 followers a week. I’m particular about what I post and I’m proud of it when I do. I fire off a joke and sit there pleased with myself and then nothing. It’s hard not to take it personal. If someone is a fan of Joan I can’t see how I could possibly offend them enough to get un-followed. It boggles my mind and pisses me off to no end. I know deep down I shouldn’t care but I’m just like you. When I see my followers count go down I want to track down the people and ask them, “Why? WHY?? I’m not good enough for you? Is it because I’m not famous? Why?????” I feel like Russel Crowe in Gladiator, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??”

    My other problem is I look at other comedians that are popular on Twitter and compare myself. Always a mistake but I keeping making it.
    Here’s an example: I posted this joke,

    “When life hands me lemons…they are usually sliced already and I have a papercut”.

    Not fall on the floor hilarious but a nice short joke I was proud of. I got 4 re-tweets of that which was a record for me. Then I look at this comedian’s page I’ve known for a while that’s inexplicably become a huge star via twitter (almost a half million followers) and see they tweeted something like:

    “I want to get you in the back of my car and motorboat your butt”.
    50+ re-tweets of that!

    This comic’s Twitter is so popular that this person now tours the country and sells out venues. I’ve done comedy for 16 years & can’t get arrested. This comic is a nice person but has done comedy maybe 6 years? FUCK!!! I know I’m being petty and jealous and insecure and I know I’m wrong and I feel bad. Then I end up feeling bad about feeling bad. So, thanks for this post!! It made me feel really good about feeling bad for once. :)

    You rock!!!

    1. bradley, feck ’em, feck ’em, feck ’em. you ARE funny and i adore you. we’re going to get you profiled on here and that will get you at least a dozen views. i promise you that. i think i have one more ahead of you and then it’s you. you deserve to be read and seen…keep blogging that caption site. it’s f’en hilarious and i will make sure everyone knows about it. shortly, very shortly! lol. believe me, i KNOW the frustration of which you speak. and see, if pinky, below me here or above me, i don’t know where this comment is going to land — he already likes you. ;0 and btw, my post that got freshly pressed on here was called, ‘did my post suck today’ and it was an even more angst ridden – why, why, why post than this one. you’rs is a’coming. i promise. xo, sm

    2. Hilarious! I’m gonna follow you! I think this little rant here is good enough to post as a blog and should get hits!

      1. Absolutely my pleasure! BTW, I shared your lemon joke the other day with some people…I got a few laughs and a few “I’ll half laugh, half sigh, b/c I’m not sure how to respond!”

  12. hahahaha oh Mother!! I swear it comes down to someone asking you for something you saying no and then them asking why?? like what the feck man would you ask why if they said yes??
    Truth be told I don’t know why anyone would unfollow you I personally bow down and worship your blogtar (blog altar, not very smart I know but I am under pressure here, she-sus).. anyway, it is truly there loss..xx

    1. thank you for that, luckylu, and i love having you here. so, i suppose you could say we are in the ‘mutual admiration society’. ;0 honestly, thanks for the kind words. it does momma’s heart good. xo, sm

  13. i refuse to believe anyone can unfollow you Sweet Mom…maybe 31 fell asleep and the cat started jumping on the laptop ..Result accidental click of UNFOLLOW button…and chances are 31 doesn’t even know that he/she unfollowed you… i can imagine he/she wondering and talking to self
    “why hasn’t Sweet Mother updated any post? i cant see any update on my wordpress.com/read page”….

    or maybe 31 has just unfollowed every blogger on the list.. 31 has decided to quit wordpress and try his/her luck in entertainment world.. 31 one day thought if Justin Bieber can do it why cant i …so no more blogging only singing ;) :)

    1. i’m so with you, little miss. some kind of horrible tragedy must’ve befallen #31, i mean what else could explain it?! lol. and your profile is coming up soon….very, very soon. ;) mother

  14. More depressing is if you have Google Analytics, and you look at the number of people on your website *right now* and it’s a big fat 0. When it’s a 0 they should make the number display much smaller so it hurts less.

    1. lauren, you NEED to be on wordpress. i don’t know how the hell anyone gets eyes to their blog without this kind of ‘community’. we’re going to discuss in detail when i come up there. which by the way, i’m playing the punch sf from aug 25-28th. so plllllleeease don’t go anywhere. i want to schedule some lauren/todd time. xo, sm

  15. Another one bites the dust – so what!
    So many souls were lost on the Titanic 100 years ago – that didn’t stop the evil broad from singing about it.
    That’s probably the real tragedy … and my begging will go on … please someone stop her!

  16. Damn the statistics. They’re designed to suck us in and make us blog more and more, just to get more followers and site views.

    Dropping to two posts a week has turned my stats page into a baby nightmare. “Baby” because I never get many hits in a day, anyway. But it’s still noticable—and depressing!

    #31 and you just weren’t meant to be. But they’ll soon be replaced by a real follower, one who will love your posts and recommend you to their friends!

    1. i did shrug it off AFTER i wrote this scathing post. looool. thankfully comedy is how i couch my disappointments, way down in there by the loose change and pretzel sticks. lol. anyway, jm. i always enjoy when you come by here. xo, sm

    1. and momma will always love you, ria! it’s a love-fest! how’s your uninspired thingy going? i’m so bogged down with writing or i’d throw something in the ring…but, my guess is you’ll find your own way without me. ;) mother

      1. but but but… I don’t wanna find my own way without you! *throws a mock tantrum* is it working?:p

        It’s coming along fine but obviously the more the merrier and I definitely do want to have you onboard!:) The deadline is May 1st but I will extend it for another 2 weeks :) will that work for you? x

  17. Twasn’t me, my love! I’ve just been ignoring everyone while I restructure my entire life in a much smaller condo. I will be back soon: posting, commenting on your posts (I’m sure you’re holding your breath in anticipation), and coming up with shenanigans that involve you, me and several others in the blogosphere being openly banned by as many organizations as possible.

    1. i’m all up for being openly banned! where do i sign? and no worries, cristy, i understand the moving thing. it’s way too close to my heart right now. eck. and as for your last comment — i wrote a whole post dedicated to it… we’re here when you’re feeling sane again, so no worries. xo, sm

  18. I think some people can’t handle the amount of awesomeness that comes out of your blog. I know I’ve cried on the shower floor many nights thinking about how I’ll never be you.

    1. lol. i’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to say that to me!!! looool. i think you’re amaze-balls too, jen. and i can NOT wait to do your profile…yipppeeeeee.

  19. First off Ma, hilarious as always. Secondly, “Very Fat Lionhead Bunny Care” makes me need to know what the hell that person was looking for. Lastly, I really, really, really want to google “sweet clits” and see what number hit you come up on that. But I’m scared Mother, very scared, and also mildly excited.

    1. i mean, bill, can you imagine??!! lol. sweet clits? sweet lawd. put ‘doggie clit’ in a title and they’ll come running for you too…lol. as always, glad you’re here. xo, sm

    1. and i love yours, sweet cauldrons! i’ve never been so interested in crystals and epsom salts in my life, let me tell you. you write about them in a way no one ever has. and i mean that. xo, sm

  20. I only have a few followers so I would be stupid not to love getting a new one, and I do get excited when the number goes up, embarrassingly so…

    I am MORE excited though if I get someone who actually starts liking or commenting regularly. So many people follow just to get you to return the favour, and they have no intention of looking at your blog ever again! Yeah, you know who you are…bastards…

    I don’t follow blogs, but if I like you I will be there for every post. A bit like a stalker, but in a good way. Kinda.

    1. i’m so with you, metan. a follower is nice, but a REGULAR is better. that’s why i’ve been doing those reggie reader profiles because i’m so grateful for those people. and for you. i love when you stop by here. xo, sweet mom

  21. I don’t even know how to check followers. I think I’m glad that I just blog into the ether and enjoy the process of writing stuff that “no-one” (or very few someones) will ever read.

    1. oh, fabs, i’m so with you. you have to write and not give a sh*t that’s the main component, but i LOOOOOVE making fun of the stats obsession bc it’s ridiculous. lol. anyway, i need to read your blog. i want to read your blog. okay, i’m going right now. ;) moms

  22. I was going to say that I was going to unfollow you just to get you to come to my house…but the first comment said it already – sigh –
    You don’t have to sing though. I just want to give you a hug in person. xo

    1. ah, wendos. that touched momma’s heart. and i read your comment about working another superlong shifto like that. i seriously don’t know how you do it. but, i absolutely know what you mean…when i was working full-time and doing comedy, it was almost impossible to write. now i have the gift of time and the burden of no money, so it’s always a trade off. however, i swear i will not waste this time and i will produce something of value. it’s a struggle, a total struggle no matter how you skin the cat. xoxo, and a hug right back at you, moms

  23. I had someone un-follow me the yesterday! I would like to know who, and why. How might I change my entire blog to suit them.

    And I hear you on the freshly-pressed. I got fp’d ages ago twice in fairly close succession. That’s great and clearly I’m just wonderful and all, but now it’s been so long that I’ve lapsed in to pathetic, whiny, hyperbole. “Why won’t they EVER feature me? EVERYONE gets freshly pressed but me! Why do they hate me??” It’s impressively childish.

    1. i know, byronic, i know! i wrote this post to try and show that the hamster wheel NEVER stops for most of us, no matter how much you want to get off! loool. i guess we both just write and sit here and wait. lol. :) sm

  24. I was with you in sympathy until you showed your video. First. I think its aweome you got 15k plus visits in one day. That’s incredible.
    But when your low number is 168 or whatever it was? Come girl friend. You’re still way ahead of many many many other blogs out there, including mine.

    No complaining allowed. # 31 probably just died or something.

    1. the problem is, it never ends, brightly, it never ends. the struggle, the quest for more, the quest for immortality. ok, that’s dramatic. no, you’re right. in a lot of ways you have to just write and ignore, but i looooove making fun of my (and others) stats obsession. i just can’t help me self. ;) mother

  25. Oh man, I am sorry to hear that. Well, I think you are funny and people have peculiar reasons to unfollow. Though I hate to admit it, I recently unfollowed someone and it was an agonizing choice to make. I hated having to do something so cold and really beat myself up for it (Maybe #31 beat themselves up too). I don’t know. I know in my case, I ultimately decided it was the best choice I could make for myself. This person posted several times a day…. it took up most of my e-mail inbox and when I went to my “read blogs” section, I didn’t see anything other than his posts. It was hard for me to get to the other blogs and pay them the proper attention. It also took a lot of eye power trying to search through his work and comment, like, etc…. so I have made the choice to simply stop by his blog once a week. I doubt you post that much and trust me, when someone unfollowed me, it did hurt my feelings… but I do know, we all have our reasons…. and I’m sure #31 had theirs.

    Thanks for your post and have a great day,
    Currie

  26. I just noticed my first unfollow. I dropped a reader over the weekend! I’m not saying this has anything to do with you blogging about me. I can’t imagine that your #31 was following me and realized I am a SM Reggie and thought, “Oh I have to nip this in the bud. Maggie, Reggie of Rebecca, must go!”

    That can’t be it.
    xoxo :)

  27. I had to go back to this post to listen to your “show me the numbahs!!!” video, it’s amazing!! But your stats are great, seriously!!

  28. It’s funny, when I go around my life with my internal monologue rolling (because seriously, who doesn’t narrate their life in their own head to make it more cinematic?) I am now constantly shouting “Dern it!” and “What the feck!” instead of the actual expletives. This is the effect you have had on my life, Sweet Mother. You’re commonly used phrases have started to infiltrate my feckin’ internal monologue. Thanks a pantsful!

    -Mo

  29. I may not be gay but I’m definitely in denial when it comes to the post traumatic FP-syndrome… Anyway, whoever makes me smile like this on an otherwise unremarkable Thursday evening, deserves a chance. I promise I won’t unfollow you for at least a week ;-) Tine

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