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Double Dating on Craigslist, The Finale

“Do you think that’s them over there?” asked Rayanne.

“I’m not sure,” I said.  “But, they are staring at us, so maybe.”

“What do you think?” Rayanne asked.

“Well, they don’t really look like their pictures.  They’re sort of cute though, like bulldog cute.”

“Yeah, I agree,” she said and smiled.

The two guys approached us.  “Hello,” said the darker haired one.

“Hello,” I said.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” said Rayanne.  “Which one is which?”

“What do you mean?” said the blonde, in a beautiful foreign accent.

Rayanne laughed.  We both thought they were being cute.

“Which one of you is the Colombian one?” I asked.

“Colombian?” said brown hair.  “We’re Italian.”

“Wait, you’re not the guys from the Craigslist ad?” asked Rayanne.

“No,” said blondie.  “But, we could be, if you want,” he smiled.

Just then our two guys walked in.  They were the spitting image of their pictures.  Thank God.

“That’s them,” I said.

Our Craigslist dates saw us and nodded hello.  They both walked over.

“Sorry guys,” said Rayanne to the Italians.

“But, wait.  We are much better than these guys,” said the first Italian.

I smiled at them as if to say, “you’re sweet for trying” and took a step towards our dates.  Sorry, but Rayanne and I are not the “double date, dine and ditch” type girls.

“Hi,” said the guys approaching us confidently.

“I’m Carlos,” said brown hair.

“And I’m Miguel,” said the other.

They were cute.  Really cute.  Rayanne and I started small talking with them.  We let them know right away that we had two comedy sets in about an hour around the corner.  The guys were up for it, which was cool.  Naturally, Rayanne gravitated towards the blonde and me towards the dark haired one.  It’s funny attraction, isn’t it?  I’ve always been attracted to dark haired people.  Theoretically, I know that Charlize Theron and Jude Law are hot, but they never do it for me like Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem.  The even stranger part – the guys had also decided that one of them would talk on the phone and the other on the computer.  Carlos, the dark haired one and quickly becoming MY date was the computer part of his pair and Miguel – Rayanne’s date – was the phone talker.  We had a bunch of wine and chit chatted, just the four of us.  It was fun.  The best part was that it had NONE of the awkwardness that a first date can sometimes have.  Mainly because myself and Rayanne, we didn’t give much of a sh*t.  Alone we might have been shyer, but together – a force of nature would’ve been the best definition.  The guys were the same way.  They had an easy way between them and it indicated they had been friends for a long time.

We finished off our wine, had a few laughs and headed around the corner to the club.  When we arrived the tension with our male friends was palpable, almost to the point of hilarious.  Rayanne and I had brought dates to the club before, but never as a team and this seemed to upset the pack order somehow.  Nothing was ever said out loud, but the guy comedians were starting to act weird.  My date went to the bathroom and Niko stepped up to me, “That’s what you consider a date?” he said.  “The guy’s a toothpick.  I didn’t know you liked pipe-cleaner-dudes.”

“Niko, what the feck are you talking about?” I said.

“I’m just saying,” Niko began, his voice almost a whisper now, “That little man can’t protect you.”

Carlos stepped back outside and Niko moved into the crowd of male comedians shooting the shit to my left.  Miguel asked Carlos to help him get some drinks.  They took our order and headed to the bar.

Jay stepped up into our circle.  “Are those your dates, ladies?  Rayanne, what is yours a sailor?”

“What?” said Rayanne.

“A sailor,” he repeated.

“Jay, what the hell do you mean?” she huffed.

“The shoes.  The shoes,” said Jay, as he shuffled back into the group of comedians.

Carlos and Miguel re-entered with our drinks.

The four of us rekindled our chat.  Rayanne went to check with JC to see what time we were performing.  Turns out, there were a few acts before us, so Rayanne suggested we head down to McCann’s to enjoy our drinks.  I was very grateful to get them away from our comedian friends, so I nodded yes, immediately.

Downstairs the chemistry really ignited or the drinks were hitting, I’m not sure which.  We laughed and flirted and drank some more.  At one point, Rayanne said, “I need to go to the ladies’ room,” which I interpreted correctly as, “We both need to go to the ladies’ room.”

Once inside, Rayanne and I had the first moment to talk about the boys.

“So, what do you think?” I asked.

“Well, Miguel’s shoes are problematic,” she said.

“Whaaat??” I replied.

“They’re problematic.  They’re problematic shoes.  They are some kind of shiny, white, patent leather.  They don’t make sense.”

“Ok, he’s foreign!!  And he’s totally cute!!  You can not just cut him off for problematic shoes.”

“I don’t know.  I don’t know if it’s there.  The problematic shoes are a sign.  I’m telling you, they are a sign.  You and Carlos seem to be hitting it off however.  He’s cute.  I don’t know about the necklace though.”

“The necklace?” I said.

“He’s wearing a little turntable necklace.  Don’t tell me you didn’t notice that,” she answered.

“No, I noticed.  I noticed,” I said.  “Maybe he’s a DJ?”

“Oh, Christ, it’s cheesy, Mother, cheesy!!” she said.

A nearly exact replica of Miguel's shoes.

With that, we headed back out to our dates.  It was time for Rayanne and I to perform.  So, we went back upstairs to the club.  Rayanne was up first and then another act and then me.  Rayanne crushed it.  Then there was the in-between act.  Carlos asked me if I’d like to go out for a cigarette while the other act performed.  Joe, one of our male comedian friends, was outside smoking too.  He got off the steps to give us room and stood opposite from us on the sidewalk.  I watched Joe glance from me to my date and then back to me.  He smiled.  Then Joe, the glorious a-hole that he is, started scratching.  He started miming like he was scratching a record on a turntable and beat boxing.

“What are you doing, Joe?” I asked.

“Nothing.  I just feel like scratching,” he smiled.

Carlos finished his cigarette and asked if I’d like to go back inside.  I told him to head in and I’d meet him at our seats.  Once Carlos was out of earshot, I said to Joe and all the other dudes listening, “Would you guys knock it off??!!”

Joe, Niko, Jason, and JC all fell over laughing.

“You’ve got to make the turntable smaller,” yelled Niko to Joe.  “It’s a mini-turntable.”

Joe mimed scratching a mini-turntable and they all fell down again.

“Goddamn it!” I yelled, which only made them laugh harder.

Male accessory or wardrobe malfunction that causes men to cock-block themselves?

After my set, Rayanne and I got our dates out of there as fast as we could.  We headed to a last bar for the final nightcap of the evening.  Rayanne and Miguel chatted.  I headed outside with Carlos because he wanted another cig.  Another hour or so passed and the sangria flowed.  At the end of the night, Rayanne and Miguel exchanged numbers.  Carlos offered to accompany me in a cab back to my place.  I had had a few and was becoming blinded by the items on the Dollar Menu, so I said yes.

Once at my place, I invited Carlos up.  After a few fumbly minutes, I had my top off and Carlos was sans pantalones.  We got into my queen sized bed.  Now, this was my Manhattan apartment and, therefore, a very small space.  I had hardwood floors and I kept the wheels on my bed because I was always moving my bed around to try and maximize the room in one way or another.  On this particular evening, my practicality did not work to my advantage.  Carlos tried to gracefully flip me over, but he did so with too much gusto.  The bed went rolling forward and I went flipping over the top of it like a shirtless, female, WWF wrestler.  I was down for the count.  It was sobering and hysterical.  I landed on the floor with a thump and an ugh.

Like this, but with one less set of testes.

Carlos got up and apologized profusely.  I couldn’t stop laughing.  I got up and put my shirt on.  “Wait, we don’t have to stop,” he said.

“Oh, yes, yes we do,” I replied.  “I’m no longer hungry.”

Carlos put on his jeans and left the apartment, probably annoyed.

I fell asleep blissfully.  Carlos called me a couple of times after that, but I knew it just wasn’t going to work out.  Rayanne and Miguel never spoke again.  About a year or so after that, I would meet Wifesy and my Dollar Menu board went out for good.  (Thank God.)  In fact, Wifesy burned down my McDonald’s and destroyed my image of the lesbian-lazy-Susan.  It’s been her and I against the world ever since then.  I’ve never been more grateful.  I’ve never been more in love.

To quote Dan Savage, “Every relationship is wrong, until one isn’t.”

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Sweet Mother is updated daily.  If you’d like to follow this blog, you can do so by hitting the “follow” button at the top of the page.

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You might enjoy the series:

Double Dating on Craigslist, Part 1

Double Dating on Craigslist, Part 2

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Photo creds:  wolf feature, dj necklace, white shoes, wrestlers

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64 thoughts on “Double Dating on Craigslist, The Finale

  1. Finally! I really thought you were going leave us hanging one more time…

    Now Mother, I’m off to investigate this craigslist a bit more, I thought it was just for selling 2nd hand stuff. Obviously I need to get out a bit more…

  2. For a minute there I thought this was going to be a good story to submit to Penthouse Forum. Does that still exist?

    As for the dollar menu, I always tried to go for the extra value meal. But that usually resulted in me eating alone…if you catch my drift.

    1. lllloooooolll, rob. i know it got all sexy and pulled a right at ‘nooooo’. there’s only so much i’m willing to do on the internet. hmmm. well, you know what i mean! xo, sm

  3. I have both Carlos and Miguel stories, in fact quite a few Carlos stories, and Juan and Paco stories, and Manuel and Emilio stories and Benardo and Jose stories :D
    …but I won’t tell them here.

  4. …And The End.
    I like your last statement. I know, I could be more fun, but “I’ve never been more in love” and you and Wifesy agains the world… It makes Le Clown smile a great deal.
    Le Clown

    1. you’re a big soft like me, le clown. no, sssshhhh, don’t tell anyone our true identities. i love me girl so much. i truly do. i had fun doing this installment, but by the second hanger, i thought everyone was going to KILL me, even though i gained a follower or two off it… lol. okay, back to everyday shennanigans. xoxo, mother

      1. SM,
        It must be why I can easily show PDA when it comes to you…. Pfft. You suck.
        Le Clown

      2. looooollll, cyber-PDA, who knew? lol. momma loves you, le clown. and i love that you read both installments today. you have found a way to trump them alllllllll!!!!! bwwaaahhhhhaaaa.

  5. He he he…We have a 24hr take out joint here called Bimbos. The food is only ever edible at 3am. I once made the mistake of ordering a “breakfast in a pita” during the day. I’m scarred for life. My forrays into hetroland can be described in much the same way.

    I thought all lesbians were insane, even psychotic, and fully expected that I would end up a crazy cat lady. Luckily I found Dear Wife and my chances of being a feline obsessed spinster disappeared.

    1. oh, fabs, ‘the crazy cat lady’. i so understand you. i used to have dreams/ nightmares about being found dead in my manhattan apartment wearing polyester pants with an enormous ‘camel toe’ (do you have that expression there?) and they find me because of all the cats meowing. the paramedics enter and the cats are pecking away at my fleshy bits. yes, pecking. you didn’t know cats could peck, did you? but, in this horror they always did. i met wifesy and that horror film stopped. finally. xoxo, sm

  6. The white shoes and necklace would have done it for me (in a bad way) from the get-go, but I applaud you for seeing it through and glad you found the one that you want (ooh, hoo, hoo) just in time, dear M. Be well, friend. Brigitte

    1. thanks for the sweet comment, brig. yes, i fear on some level, this poor, hispanic, man was my bridge to gay. and TRUST they were hot and when someone’s really hot, sometimes you overlook the dj necklace, but as rayanne so brilliantly put it, ‘it was a sign…’ an omen really. loooollll. anyway, glad you saw this one through. thought everyone was going to kill me. ;) xo, sm

  7. ::standing applause:: It was everything I thought it would be and then some! Well worth the wait. I loved the sentiment at the end, very sweet and touching. I’m so glad you shared this with us.

  8. You’re quite the smooth one, aren’t you? Now I can’t get the mental image of you taking a topless tumble out of my mind. That and those hideous shoes…

    Thanks for a good laugh. :)

  9. So, wait. The turntable necklace ISN’T a turn-on? Thank god I’m not single. I wouldn’t know how to do this stuff.

    The bed on wheels stuff, though–genius! I’m going to have to remember that one.

    1. it didn’t bother me that much. the other guy’s shoes were worse, but you know… love conquers all dj necklaces and sailor shoes. those guys just need to find their girls. i found mine. ;0 sm

  10. YAY! *clapping enthusiatically* And now I remember why I don’t miss the dating scene at all. Great story! :D You are hired for the bedtime stories. I can’t pay much, but I make a mean cake if that will do.

    1. it is a beast that online dating a beast! however, i think it’s becoming so hard to avoid! everyone’s meeting that way these days. but, i still agree with you – chance meetings in person are always best. it’s how i met wifesy! xo, sm

  11. Oh boy i have been waiting for this… and it was totally worth it! (remember i think you two definitely have a book in this!) “Problematic” shoes! LMAO! However i have to agree. Those patten white platforms would be a deal breaker for me as well as a mini turntable necklace! Wow. I almost wish you two could have incorporated the date into each act, but i suppose that would be rude. Thank you for such a beautifully descripted account of your CL DoubleDate. I feel like i was there in the background watching the whole thing while laughing my ass off. Well done ladies!

    1. blue, that was the sweetest comment ever. THANK YOU. i love that you loved ‘problematic shoes’ – it’s like one of my fave things rayanne has ever said! lol. i thought it was so funny. anyway, who knows, maybe one day a book…;0 so glad you enjoyed it. xo, mother

  12. Mother – love the whole series. Haha! This whole scenario is eerily familiar. Sorry couldn’t comment on the others as I can’t figure out my wordpress app on my iphone. I haven’t posted in forever and I hope forgiveness will be granted. Been running around with my “right one” — beach and florida stories coming soon! Looking forward to reading tomorrows post, no cliffhanger after today but still anticipation! Cheers!

  13. This is me giving you a long, slow, standing applause while mine eyes mist up just a little.
    Great story. Great ending. And I kinda love those turntable necklaces.

    1. ggguuuuuuuurl, love that you love them! i didn’t think the necklace was so bad…the shoes okay, maybe a little. lol. anyway, alls well that ends well, as i hug wifesy’s cheeks…and i’m not saying which ones. looooollll. xo, sm

  14. Great story and I’m glad you met the love of your life in the end. Mind you, I think I would have slept with the DJ anyways. ;-P

    1. llooolll, wendos. i’m sure there are a lot of djs still out there… glad you liked it, ultimately. i think people were going to kill me if i kept it going any longer. xoxo, sm

      1. Nah…don’t think they would have killed you…they were just waiting for the part where you gave up on finding Mr. Right and discovered Ms. Right instead! :-) xo

  15. There’s nothing wrong with white patent leather shoes, i used to have a pair, (although not like the clod-hoppers shown) and wore then with a natty silver-grey suit and silk tie. I sure looked “the Biz” in that. ;) I’ll send you a pic of Mee all togged up…
    Super story, and very touching sign-off. So glad you found your true love. :)
    I have Bill Gates and a crappy dating site to thank for finding my perfect Wifesy. It meant I could do the dating thing wearing my slippers (less glare so i could see the screen). ;)
    Cyberhugs.

  16. Soon as I read wheels on the bed I knew something was going to happen! Thanks for giving me a giggle at work in between organising sequins and wooden beads!

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