Press 1 If You Hate Customer Service

We’re moving.  So, today I had to call DirectTV to get my feckin’ satellite moved from one part of the state to another part of the state less then an hour away.  Apparently, this is so difficult that Wifesy and I would be better off launching ourselves up into the stratosphere, shaking some sense into the satellite itself, and then feckin’ in the sky on the way back down, like the bald eagles do when they make sexy time.


...And you thought I was kidding.


It would also be a lot more fun then talking to a customer service representative.


What in the feck has happened to customer service?  Why does it feel like I’m on this horrible abortion of a show, every time I call a service provider to ask for something?




And this guy was nice, the customer service rep I spoke to.  Yet, I still felt years of acid and rage come back up my throat while he spoke of inane charge after inane charge followed by inane rule after inane rule.  It was simple, really.  When we were sold the system we were told there would be no charge to move us and re-set us up, as long as we kept our 2 year contract and the service was available in our new area.  So, imagine my (non) surprise when, of course, there was a $130 moving charge.  Then imagine my next surprise when they can’t put it on the bill, but it has to be on a credit card.  Then imagine how my love for humanity boilith over when they tell me I have to go through all of this again to get someone else to pick up the equipment.


Ay yay yay.  It’s constant.  It’s like getting into a fight you know you’re going to lose – every time.  This experience made me recall all the other times my reflux has been called to bear witness to the horrible non-helpful practices of the modern customer service industry.  I know it’s not always their fault.  I know sometimes they are not given access to the proper screen, or only a supervisor can do it, or their computer freezes because it is clear that every customer service rep since the beginning of time has never been allowed a computer upgrade.  They all must be working off of the world’s first operating system…BECAUSE LORD KNOWS NOT EVEN ICE FREEZES AS MUCH AS THE COMPUTER SCREEN OF A CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE!!


Is this customer service headquarters? Brrr.


It took me back.  There was that time I had to call the Sh*tty-bank service number.  Well, they don’t call themselves Sh*tty-bank, but I do.  They call themselves something similar sounding that means “accepts bailout money” in Americanese.  I called up Sh*tty-bank, as I wanted to deposit a check into my account and I was on the road traveling through Massachusetts.  I called the dear, dear, sweet, rep and I said, “Hun, can you tell me where there’s a Sh*tty-bank in Boston?”


The rep paused for a moment and then said, very politely, “Boston, Maine?”




Christ, I didn’t even know there was a Boston, Maine.


I explained to him – very kindly, because I know the poor soul was in Calcutta and therefore it’s not his fault – that when ANYONE from the United States calls and they say Boston, they mean Boston, Massachusetts.  There was some more pausing as my nice man from Calcutta tried to find Massachusetts on the map.  In the meantime, my car drove promptly right out of the Boston city limits.  Things like this happen when I’m traveling on nothing, but rage.  Unfortunately, now I DID have to ask him for that Maine location.


Once, at a Kinkos in New York, I wanted some copies made.  The girl behind the counter was so rude that I questioned myself for a minute.  I thought, Wait, I have not walked into a Kinkos at all.  Clearly this was some parallel universe – for this was Mcdonalds drive through, truck stop, kind of talk.  There the employees take more liberties.  They think, “I can say what I want to this d-bag.  I’ll never see her again, unless she’s coming up the 95 again at exactly 2pm on a Sunday.”  Yes, clearly this was Whores R’ Us and not sweet, listen to the sound of the humming copiers and relax, Kinkos because I knew for sure I was being served a d*ck sandwich.  Right in the face, by this rude lady, who clearly just got out of jail.  And I don’t care if you just got out of jail.  Hell, everyone needs to work.  What you don’t need to do is spew your jail rage on me while I’m trying to make a feckin’ copy order.  I don’t spew my jail rage on you – I do it where it’s appropriate – like here, on this blog.


I’ve lived all over the world.  I’ve lived in Britain.  Britain, a place where, when you go out to eat, you do so much work that by the end of the evening, I was asking the bartender to hand over his apron while simultaneously cajoling the other pub patrons into starting a labor union.  Hell, if I was going to have to get the silverware, and the beer, and the meal out of the feckin’ kitchen, and wait a hell of a long time for it all, then I might as well make the 2 pound sterling while I wait, plus paid vacations.  (Sorry, holidays!)


Yet, the very same people, the Brits, when they call you from the cable company, they’re not calling to charge you a moving fee or to tell you that your bill has gone up.  They’re calling because they’ve figured out a way to SAVE you money.  We actually had a cable representative call us up to LOWER our bill.  Wifesy and I nearly had a stroke, as nothing of the kind would ever happen in America.  That’s the upside.  The downside – besides getting everything yourself in a pub – is the golden rule.  In Britain, if there is a rule, it is sacrosanct.  Everyone follows it until the queen calls the whole feckin’ thing off.  They are sticklers about their rules.  You can ask for a supervisor.  It won’t feckin’ matter.  So, don’t get your top hat in a tizzy.


My point – there is no utopia for the customer.


It is a battle you will lose.  The only question is how long will it take until you to cave.


I called up Wifesy and said, “I need the credit card.”


“Why?” she answered.


“Because we’re going to have to pay DirectTV a moving charge.”


“What?  Why?  They never mentioned that when we signed up,” she said.  And I swear I could hear a slight gurgling sound as the acid began its rise up her esophagus.


“I’ve already been through this, my dear.  We’re going to have to pay the charge,” I sighed.


“No,” she said.  “Call them back.  That’s ridiculous.  They should’ve said that upfront and what do you mean there’s a separate number to call and have the equipment picked up and, and, and…”


“I will not call them back, sweetheart.  You can give me the credit card number or you can give them a call yourself, see if you have better luck,” I said with a cheshire grin forming at the edge of my lips.


“Yeah, give me the information.  I’ll solve this.  I mean, this isn’t right.  I’ll get to the bottom of it.”


I gave Wifesy the information and told her to call me back after she had spoken with them.  Then I poured some bubbly and kicked back to begin my countdown.


7 minutes.


Wifesy called me back in 7 minutes to say, “I relented and paid the moving fee.”


The eagles have landed.  Unfortunately, none of them got off in a good way.  The only person who did get off is, of course, DirectTV.  I can call them a person, now that companies in America have achieved personhood status.


Does anyone else feel like it’s OCCUPY MY GENITALS time when they call up a service rep?  Just curious.  Just lookin’ for some good, old fashioned Kumbayah.



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Photo creds:  bald eagles, wipeout, icehotel, ketchup-feature

91 thoughts on “Press 1 If You Hate Customer Service

  1. Believe it or not, I did consulting work in DirecTV’s IT dept in 2009-2010. Those people are crazy nuts over there, so I’m not surprised by your experience.

    The headquarters is literally like right next to LAX, so most people just like to look out the window and watch planes take off. When that big Airbus 380 came in for the first time, I don’t think anybody did any work for like an hour.

  2. Have you seen the Spanish short comedy film (only 3 minutes), about the girl trying to register as a freelance worker at a government office?

    It was a finalist at Notodofilmfest last year.

    1. holy sh*t, pinky. i absolutely loved this. it’s hilarious!!! why is this true all over the world. i love the quick draw of the forms, absolutely brilliant. you and i should start some kind of cuturally curated and created comedy/ lgbt site. for videos and blog content. it doesn’t exist in my opinion. as if we don’t have enough to do… thanks for showing me this, though. it rocks. xoxo, mother

      1. It’s just incredible, I asked MY customer service people this week (the mortgage one’s) if their job is to find a way NOT to be helpful. Sometimes they’d have a much easier time if they just did what they’re supposed to do instead of looking for the 1001 ways NOT to help…

    2. Love the video! So true because I live in Spain for a few months every year. There, burocrazy is… something else. Customer service is, too. I used to HATE calling customer service about anything. Now for some reason, it’s the opposite. I know it gives me a chance to be horrible to someone who isn’t allowed to tell you to f*** off. Am I alone in this, I wonder?

  3. I love fighting with “customer service” agents from other countries. Well, first I love to ask where they’re located. Especially when they say Texas. But mostly I love hanging up when nothing on the call goes the way it’s supposed to. But then I hate the fact that I’m no further along in my day than I was before I made the call, and am completely pissed off on top of it. So what I’m trying to say is I avoid 800 numbers at all costs. And 888 and 866. Unless it’s a psychic, and then I’m in because I’m pretty sure they’ll tell me what I want to hear as long as I’m paying $9.99 a minute. =/

    1. i’d take a psychic call over a customer service call any day. and the psychic prediction is more likely to come true than the customer service respone anyway. looollll. glad to see you, stacie, at least in icon form. ;) mother

  4. Did you get yer Irish up Rebecca me girl? Take a shillelagh to ’em! I hate to say it but I do love Comcast Customer Service. I think I could call Comcast Customer Service and ask them what I should watch and they would tell me and I’d love it.

    But it does suck for you, stoopid DirecTV.

    1. i know. when i have a GOOD customer service experience, i practically want to makeout with the service providers. that’s how rare i feel the experience is. so far it’s been really great with the movers, but that will all really be tested on moving day! lol. and yes, got my irish up in a sweat, let me tell ya! xo, sm

  5. It’s so true about pubs in the UK Sweetmother! My fiance is from Scotland and we go back I’m appalled at the service and how you have to beg for your check. Here, they take our plates before we’re done eating but at least I can be as picky as I desire (and boy, can I be picky!) :)

    Also, after dealing with a summer of medical debt and insurance company phone calls, I am now angry when I start any conversation and it’s like I’m expecting them to fight with me and disagree… sad sad. I don’t wanna be the angry, resentful girl!!

    1. i so hear you. but, these situations set you up. they really do. before i even dialed the number, i could feel my stomach churn and i tried to even get all oprah and set a positive intention – i said to myself, ‘nothing has happened yet. don’t go into it negatively, everything’s going to be fine…’ and yet, not so much!! pub service in the uk and especially scotland is really not that great. you can find an exception or two however, here and there. and i’m so with you on american service people grabbing your plate. i tell them flat out, ‘leave it. i’ll let you know when i’m done.’ they usually do respond well to that though. looolll. great comment, steph. xo, sm

  6. Your next post should be about customer service at a mental asylum.
    It goes something like this:
    If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1, press 1, press 1, press 1, then press 1 again.
    If you’re a manic depressive, hang up, because there’s nothing anyone can do to help you anyway.
    If you have paranoid personality disorder, there was no need to call because we’ve bugged your home and know everything you’re doing…

  7. Jesus mother. In all of that company, I know of ONE good rep. She’s southern and named Grace. Seriously. I discontinued my DTv once, and the woman was so nice, she said “Well, you have to take that little chip out of the satellite and mail it to us to avoid a charge.” and then I said, under normal circumstances, I would not have a problem scaling my roof to retrieve the chip and mail back. But I am (was) seven months pregnant and ladder climbing/roof shimmying wasn’t really advisable. She said “Well then, I’m going to click this little button right here that says you returned it. K, sweets? You call me right back if anyone gives you any problems in the future. This is my ID number.” I wanted to hug her little southern self until she popped. Incidentally, when I reconnected it later on, I got totally scammed for $500 of ‘installation and reconnection’ fees. WTF.

    1. i’m tell you, when you find a good service rep, you want to makeout with them. it’s so rare that it restores your faith in humanity. i’m so glad you told me this story. we need to hear that there are STILL people who will just DO IT. just get it done. just push the feckin’ button that says you returned the thingy. done and done. i’m doing a virtual round of applause for both you and that sweet, southern lady. love you, second mommy and LOVE this comment. xoxo, mother

  8. I work in a call center (for two more months thank god) and I HATE it! Mostly the people are really really stupid, beyond believing, and that goes for the coworkers as well. Trust me, cable companies are WAY worse that the webhosting that Im in, but I will never do CS again!!!

    1. oh, miss, miss, miss, miss, do you write about this? because you MUST. an insider’s view of the idiocy…ok, or indifference. i’m never sure which it is. anyhoo, godspeed that you get the hell out of that job. you’re too good for it, if you ask me. xo, mother

      1. In two months there will be much writing about it! :D In the meantime just drafts and notes :D And thank you very much Mother! xo

  9. I always just put them on speaker phone and go about my day, keeping them on the line while I say things like: it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that you won’t do it. You really can do anything you want, including dropping that fee. It’s a total waste of time, but I can’t stop myself.

    1. “it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that you won’t do it” — oooooohhh, amber, truer words have never been said about the cs industry. seriously. i LOVE that you prod them like that. love it. xo, momma

  10. It’s because of stuff like this that I occasionally make a list of reasons why my family should live off the grid. I effing HATE calling customer service more than anything else. I’d rather have several simultaneous root canals.

    1. loooollll, ems! several simultaneous root canals. oh, lawd, lawd! nearly died laughing. and i’m so with you on the ‘living off the grid’ tip, though my version always involves me teaching yoga at a secluded retreat in costa rica somewhere…either way, it’s an escape from the insanity! much love, mother

  11. I am actually going through this with Dell right now, I got so mad at them I nearly set my own head on fire. At one point asking to speak to someone who spoke English as a first language…want the response? I had to pay extra, that is their “Gold Standard” Customer Service warranty and it is extra. No Wait Really? I can buy that?

    1. YOU HAD TO PAY EXTRA FOR ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE? oh, dear lawd. lawd, lawd. that is too much. too much. oh, man, val, i really hope you get that sorted out. it sounds like total hell. ay yay yay. well wishes, my friend, well wishes. and if you ever switch computers, i will say apple support is actually surprisingly amazing. i’ve never gone back once i started using mac stuff. xo, mom

      1. I am shockingly mean. I can make customer service reps cry, literally weep and cringe. I think they use examples of my calls as what not to do.

        I have been known to break e-mail code and send notes to C-level executives at companies after bad experiences with customer service where I name names.

        I wish I could transition to Apple, unfortunately in my business I am governed by my customers…they are 99,9 still on MS, thus so am I.

  12. Here in South Africa we have 11 official languages…11! Now imagine trying to deal with customer services where the person you are dealing with speaks English as their 3rd or 4th language.

    Me: “its Elizabeth R…. Speaking”
    Them: “how do you spell that?”
    Me: “what? Elizabeth?”
    Them: “yes”
    Me: “E”
    Them: “A”
    Me: “E”
    Them: “V”
    Me: “No! E as in elephant”
    Them: “E”
    Me: “L for lion, I for idiot, Z for Zuma, A for asshole, B for bitch…”
    And so it goes. Never ending!

    And what drives me mad is the endless buttons you have to press to speak to a real person.
    …press 1 for account queries, 2 for our loyalty bonus programme, 3 to hear how we can save you money…2019 to hear about the mating habits of the okapi or hold for an operator.
    I guess they figure if there is a spagetti maze of numbers to press the chances of you just giving up without actually talking to someone are good.
    Or my absolute favourite! “sorry ma’am you are through to the wrong department let me transfer you….beep beep beep” and they disconnect you leaving you to go through the 10min automatic recording labyrinth.

    See even you humorous post gets the ire going. I hate customer service!

    1. omg, beth, if i was giving out a funniest commentator award today, it would go to you. absolutely delightful. delightful!! omg and i love it when you lose it with the spelling. i can’t take it. cramp in my side from laughing. total cramp! 11 languages. oh, lord, i don’t know how you all do it. i can barely deal with one. lolll. anyway, adore you and this comment takes the cake. xo, sweet mo

  13. I think the worst customer service I experienced recently was trying to talk to someone at Victoria’s Secret for a class project. I navigated a PRESS ONE TO…, spent ten minutes on hold to leave a message, got a call back two hours later telling me to email a representative, only to get a three line email back saying they couldn’t help us at this time. I was LIVID.

    1. that is so bizarre. i don’t know why, but i feel like victoria secret should have good customer service. i mean, it’s clothing for our gentlest parts, why not be gentle? i hope you sent a cascade of thongs and a hail of underwire bras their way. idiots. lol. xoxo, sm

      1. You would think they would. But at least from a PR perspective, it was rubbish. All I wanted was a few comments from a manager about a local store’s culture and working environment, but apparently you have to jump through insane hoops and not be trying to learn.

        I didn’t send all my underwear to them, although that would be amazing. I did loudly interrogate and thus embarrass a sales clerk about what sort of fake spanx to wear under a very unlined jersey bridesmaid dress that has tried to forcibly insert itself into my asscrack every time I so much as think about moving in it.

  14. i have had 2 bad customer service experiences.. at the second one, i was so mad that i almost went to their office to tell them that i dont need their phone service anymore and that im going to another telecom service provider but then later when i cooled down i was going to be a hassle.. so i unwillingly decided to stick with my current phone network service..for the time being

    1. that’s how they get you, lil miss! they exhaust you into compliance! it’s part of their dastardly plan! turds, all of them! ok, i’m tired. stopping now. much love, sm

  15. Boston, Maine? Yes and then I’d also like the number for the New York City, Rhode Island branch please. I wish I’d known about the satellite sooner. I just watched Apollo 13 again last night, so I probably could have fixed it for you, Madre.

    1. new york city, rhode island….bwwwaaahhhhaaaa. loved it, bill, loved it. i’d love to shove the sat dish right up their arses…i’m just sayin’. but, momma loves you and that’s all that matters. xo, sm

  16. You are lucky that I have such a big ass because I just laughed half of it off reading your post. You know, I might just be able to get down to my ideal weight if I keep reading your blog. I’ve so been there – and being a lawyer – I tend to get all terse and threatening when people say things like “No” or “My supervisor isn’t going to be able to help you any more than I can” or “I don’t have a supervisor.” The last one’s my favorite. My response to that one is, “Really, so you’re the CEO of Comcast. I’d think that with all the responsibility of running a giant corporation like that, you’d have customer service reps – and people who supervise them.” Of course, this clever vernacular is completely lost on the dial tone that occurs midway through that sentence. As you would say, Sweet Mother, “Feck em!”

    BTW, in Britain, is “gayby” pronounced “guybee”? Just wonderin’.

    1. “…the dial tone that occurs midway through that sentence….” ohhhhhh, dying, dying. loved. thank god i’m not a lawyer i’d be sending half of the world ‘cease and desist’ letters. i’m not kidding you. i’d probably even send one to my mom. loollll. you are a better woman that i, sweet cristy. a better woman, simply for surviving law school. though i used to take lsat practice exams for shits and giggles, because i’m odd. love you, mother

      1. Okay, I do that with IQ tests. So does my husband. What does that make us? Feckin’ odd? And, for the record, I hate Mensa. I just think the tests are kinda fun. If you were a lawyer, I’d probably still be employed as one because we’d work together and have such a blast making everyone in the world cease and desist doing EVERYTHING, but the first letter would go to:

        Ms. Kimberly Kardashian:

        Please consider this correspondence as a demand to cease and desist the following actions:

        (1) being the very definition of “black hole” for all things good and holy;
        (2) snipping the few remaining threads that connect humans to humanity;
        (3) wearing false eyelashes whilst school children the world over don’t have enough glue to make a simple construction paper cube;
        (4) making “having no talent” an actual “talent’; and
        (5) dating and/or marrying special needs athletes so that you feel smarter.

        The failure to comply with any or all portions of this demand may result in civil action being taken against you in accordance with California law. Govern yourself accordingly.


        Cristy Carrington Lewis, J.D.
        Lewis & Mother, P.A.

      2. kim kardashian is a blight upon humanity! a blight! loolll. oh, we would’ve made a great law firm. now, i suppose we’ll have to take over this blog land. when life gives you the writing gene, make some sort of cyber-pie. xoox, sm

  17. As someone who used to work for one of those “customer service companies” I can verify that they’re OS’s are older than I am. I mean, who ever heard of a cable/home phone/wireless company running everything through a DOS system? I had to learn a whole new language to work there….I am now fluent in CS DOS! (with that company at least…they’re probably all different…*sigh*)

    1. THEY RUN THINGS ON DOS!!!! what are you going to tell me next, they use one of those dot matrix printers??!! oh, say it ain’t so. say it ain’t so. i keep waiting for the cs rep to tell me i have a bad attitude and things aren’t what they seem, but that’s not what’s happening here. everyone’s agreeing! even the ones who have worked in the field. ay yay yay. thanks for leaving a great comment, j85. much love, mother

  18. I hate it when the call centre you are talking to is in India. If I was in India I would be thrilled to talk to a person that understands me. I’m not. I’m in Australia and clearly my accent is as hard for them to understand as theirs is for me.

    I suspect that it is a way of making us just give up on questioning our accounts and bills That way they can charge us extra and once we have weighed up the effort to query it versus the actual cost over time we might consider it money well spent to just let it be!

    If I ever hear ‘your call is important to us’ it immediately translates as ‘it’s too late to hang up, you’ve wasted too much day to give up now’… bastards…

    1. it’s totally true. i firmly believe these corporations have a strategy of ‘miscommunication’. they practice it, they nurture it, they want it to thrive. not understanding a feckin’ thing the other person is saying makes it way less likely you’ll complain. you’ll simply do what you’re half-told to make it all stop. a nightmare, really and unfortunately not likely to end soon. momma always loves seeing you here, metan. xo, sm

  19. I was trying to help my Pakistani neighbour reverse her ill-advised decision to move her telephone service from BT to a Rip-Off company.
    Knowing how complicated it can be when speaking to BT I kept a note of every person I spoke to.
    It took 3 days, innumerable calls, being passed from one department to another (sometimes being ping-ponged backwards and forwards between two wrong departments).
    I finally got to speak to the right person and got it sorted out for her, but that person was the 53rd one I had spoken to!

    1. are you serious, mee? was it really 53? because that is bloody outrageous. i mean criminal. and here you are simply helping a neighbor. oh, you are a good person, indeed, mee. i can not believe the fortitude you showed there. amazing, truly amazing. if the world were this kind, there would be no issues. much love and a truly inspirational story. xoxo, sm

      1. Yes, it really was, and it did my head in! :S
        It had to be done as she was broke and wouldn’t have been able to afford the other service.
        My tenacious side kicked in after the first half dozen or so and I was determined not to let it go without resolution.
        We had an arrangement… I did things like that for her and she fed me a nice big authentic curry a couple of times a week. :P
        Now she’s moved and I have Mrs. Mee to feed me authentic Chinese food every day…. :P :P :P

  20. Holy eagle-feckin! This post is the opposite of customer service. Customer service slowly kills the soul. This post fills the body with light and knowledge of the greatest description of Kinkos in the history of descriptions of any shitball corporate conglomerate.

    How you write so many eagle-feckin (this is the adjective I will only use from now on) fantastic (except that one) every day is beyond comprehension.

    1. eagle-feckin! i can’t resist, but i don’t everyday. some of it, is shit. i can say this blog is getting me somewhere tho and it is only my sick dedication to it that is helping it along. the eagle-feckin’ is an apt description of my entire blogging experience. each morning, i’m attached to the claw-genitals of another feckin’ eagle. i’m falling, falling, and sometimes by the time i hit the ground it’s satisfying (that’s when i like my post) other times it feels like i’ve been dry humped by a dirty eagle (that’s when i think i’ve written sh*t) and so it goes and so it goes. loollll. love you, 7, love you. momma

  21. I have an invisible “Bitch by Birth” tattoo that can only be activated by snarky customer service reps. Even from 11,000 miles away, they can sense its presence and automatically go into super shitty mode. Now to counteract this, I have what my family fondly (worriedly?) refers to as Mom’s “I demand free shuttle service” mode, which arises from the time that we were in a hotel in Florida that advertised free shuttle service only to try to charge us $10 a person (there were 6 of us).

    My latest tactic is to begin each cust svc call with the following: “You know, I had a really bad experience that last time I called you. The representative was very condescending/rude/unhelpful (pick one).” The person on the other end immediately has to apologize for this co-worker who was a dick. Shifts the power . . . just saying.

    1. poietes, i loved this comment and i have missed you! i think every woman of the world should have a ‘demand free shuttle service’ mode. it would be the beginning rumblings of world peace, me thinks. lol. anyway, i love that you did that and i hear you. i always end up telling the next person what an a-hole the last person was. sometimes it works and they’re apologetic, other times they have a ‘well, i’m not them, why are you shitting on me’ attitude. damned if you do, damned if you don’t in these situations. it sux. plain and simple. but, at least i can bitch about it here. ;0 mother

      1. The beginnings of world peace? Definitely. Men would quake if the women of the world all joined together to demand free shuttle service.

  22. You know how old ladies used to talk to the tv because they thought the images were real people? Well guess who talks back to the computer on those service centre calls? Yup. Especially when it wants me to ‘say what the problem is’… and then puts me through to the wrong place anyway. I will not be humiliated by a machine!

    But all is not lost. I have learned from bitter experience that when you know a phone call is going to be hell and won’t achieve anything anyway the solution is not to call, the solution is to write! WRITE A LETTER. And then march into the post office and send it registered mail. Ending the letter with ‘if I do not receive a satisfactory reply within 5 working days I will be putting this matter in the hands of my solicitor’ helps too. You see /we/ cannot record calls for legal purposes but once /they/ sign for a letter it is in the system and they cannot deny it. If the shit hits the fan and an audit is done then that letter will come to light and heads will roll. Survival instinct takes over and ram bam thank you ma’am a problem becomes a solution.

    I am giving this solution away for free but donations of flowers and chocolates will be gratefully received.


    1. looolllll. i loved this, ac. you know i always have WANTED to be the type of broad who writes a letter and a couple of times i have been so indignant that i swore i would. then a few days pass and the hate wears off and the company d*cks have won. happens to me all the time. i had a horrible delta experience that i will not go into where my ticket should’ve been taken care of with frequent flier miles and then in the end of the hell, i ended up paying MORE than retail value for the flight. that’s it, i’m not saying anymore as my blood pressure is currently at a normal level and i’m having a glass of wine and if i go any further i will get night sweats just thinking about it!!!! a-holes! a-holes, everywhere! ok, i feel better now. ;) much love, sweet mum

  23. This is one of my biggest aggravations in life: NO CUSTOMER SERVICE at any company on planet earth.

    You call and wait on hold, then you get someone whose first language isn’t English.

    If you email, you get no response.

    1. oh, the email. THE EMAIL. i know it’s a disaster whenever i see that a company has no phone number and just an email. i’m always like that’s it, here goes my wasted email off into the ether. it’s ridiculous. i’m so with you, sistah. i could slap someone! but, i won’t. i’ll just write shit instead. lol. xo, sm

    1. my guess is yours was pretty good too. shall i go find it? you didn’t leave me a linky and i like to read things when i get a linky left. anyhoo, i shall dig it up, me thinks. xo, sm

  24. I did a post about customer service (…it was focused more on face to face but can also apply to phone. The absolute worse by phone are the cable/telephone/internet services. It’s almost as if they know that we can’t live without them so they don’t even try. We just changed our internet and phone service and it cost us over $300 to get the equipment we need for the new provider. We still haven’t figured out the phone hook-up but I finally have the internet again. :-)

    1. and with internet set up these days, they REALLY have you by the balls. i mean REALLY. i’m like a lost child without internet. thankfully, it works most of the time. anyway, off to read you post. much love, sm

  25. Oh, and after the bald eagles have done the nudge-nudge-wink-wink thing during sexy time in mid air, this is the result…

    Now there’s a clue in there somewhere…. ;)

  26. I quit Verizon over a $15 overcharge they REFUSED to do anything about. I was nice and patient, but when I got to the end of the line, the customer retention folks, and they refused to help me because “that offer’s been stopped and we can’t go back and reverse the charges because WE DON’T HAVE THAT ABILITY,” I dropped the. It cost me $350 or so to end my contract but I was so done with them.

    I don’t generally boil with rage like you experienced in your Direct TV dealings, but I still get irritated when I think about the Verizon horses–t debacle. And I refuse to put up with crappy service anymore either.

  27. When a customer representative finally gets on the phone I say, “To talk to a live customer, Press 1. To talk to the knuckle sandwich I’ve been making for you while I’ve been on hold, STAY ON THE FECKING LINE.”

  28. I literally just got done dealing with the cable company. Seriously?! What the heck happened to customer service being important?! It makes me so mad! And so fast! It’s amazing. I HATE MY CABLE COMPANY! But I love you for being able to put all of my feelings into a perfectly hilarious post that manages to make me laugh even though I’m so ticked! So thanks… :)

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