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Teaching Your Child to Become Wendy Williams & Other Horrors

Here comes another rant from me, THE CHILDLESS MOMMY BLOGGER, as I’ve taken to calling myself.  You know, I think (much like Oprah – another childless mommy advisor) that the hardest thing you can do is raise a kid.  And even harder is raising a kid right and saving the world from the addition of one more a**hole.  This is of such monumental importance in my opinion, that it does, indeed, take a village.  So, I’m here to help.  As I was working up some research this morning, I came across some parenting ideas / actions/ products that I feel could lead your child astray.  I am here to try and stop you…or rather stop the ridiculous human being who would subject their child to any of the below.

 

First things first.

 

Teaching your child to become Wendy Williams
Parenting is such a hard job that not only are you in charge of manufacturing a decent human, but you could also help shape the potential profession of your child.  For example, Madeline Albright’s father was an international press attache.  Make no mistake about it, the Madame Secretary’s international travels as a youth undoubtedly trained her to become an ambassador to the UN and later Secretary of State.  But, perhaps, you’d like to shoot lower for your child.  Perhaps, you’d prefer your child to become a low-brow talk show host with a weave.  Maybe you want your baby to become a judgmental neck zig-zagging, “oh, no, you didn’t!” screaming, pop culture quipping kind of citizen.  Maybe you want her to become Wendy Williams.  While I am not a Wendy Williams fan, I am not the boss of you.  So, if this is where you want your child to go, I say start her off early.  Get that training going.  Definitely, use these while she’s in her infancy…

 

"How you doin'?"

 

Because your baby should learn from day 1 that she needs to look good.  If your baby is bald, that’s no good to show the world.  Instead, show the world a strange, full-head-of-hair, alien baby.  I mean your baby’s got so much hair, she’s needs to wear an Olivia Newton John headband to contain it all.  Now that’s a baby who’s one step ahead of the curve.

 

Ensuring your adult-man-child will make love to an artificial vajayjay
Now, I don’t mean to be crass, but I didn’t make this next one up.  I’m simply the messenger.  There’s an item on the adult market called a “fleshlight”.  The fleshlight is in the shape of a flashlight, only the front of the fleshlight contains a plastic vajayjay as opposed to any kind of light bulb.  What are people (men) supposed to do with the vajayjay part of the fleshlight?  Well, I hate to be Captain Obvious, but they’re supposed to feck it, of course.  I am all for adults doing whatever the hell they want in the bedroom.  I try not to judge (unless it’s funny).  So, if you want to make sexy time with a flashlight, that’s your business.  However, now we have programming on television that consists of a man who is “addicted” to his car.  He thinks he’s in a relationship with it.  His love is so strong that he gets down on the floor, legs under the grill, arms draped around the hood, while he makes-out with the bumper.  I’m not making this up.  What I am saying is maybe the fleshlight is a gateway drug to finger-banging your car.  Maybe this love of inanimate objects starts even earlier than the fleshlight.  Maybe it goes all the way back to here…

 

"As an adult the only hands that will pass over my tender bits will belong to a muppet..."

 

Teaching your kid to become a top of the line, grad A, a-hole
I got this image from dadcentric.com (all photo credits below).  I really don’t have much more to say about it than the presenting the image.  As they say, sometimes a picture is worth 1,000 expletives.

 

Monkey see, monkey do.

 

Teaching your kid to become a Top Chef
I DO think that you can steer your kids towards the right profession.  You give them doses of this and that, here and there.  You PAY ATTENTION to where their interests lie.    When you see them light up about something, you stoke that fire.  Maybe they like to paint.  So, you get them a paint set and you let them paint for hours at a time.  They like to run around the house kicking.  So, you sign them up for Tae Kwon Do or A Chorus Line practice.  Maybe they like to cook.  So, you get inventive on Halloween…

 

"Get me out of this pot and I'll make a flambe that will turn your world inside out!"

 

Maybe you don’t want your kid to grow up at all
Some parents have a healthy sense that even as an adult we should be feeding our inner children.  We should be allowed and encouraged to let our child-like creative sides run wild.  The parents who encourage these leanings in a healthy way will be rewarded.  If you let your kid turn the treehouse into a launch pad, you may be grooming a future astronaut.  If you help your child write about the imaginary friends that she sees, you may be nurturing a future Suzanne Collins and another Hunger Games trilogy.  However, there are some parents who take away parts of a child, Boxing Helena-style.  These adults slowly chip away at a child’s independence and self confidence, until the child is 42 and still living at home.  The adult-man-child haunts the basement where he does nothing, but post sh*tty comments on Youtube contributing nothing to the world.  Maybe there was a point where this could’ve been stopped.  Maybe when your boy was a young man and he wanted to go out on that date and he asked you to help him buy some Drakkar Noir…maybe it was a mistake for you to give him this, instead…

 

It IS your fault that your adult-son still lives in the basement. Some things I just can't help you with.

 

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Photo creds:  baby bangs, play-doh cologne, alcohol and cigs, lobster baby, muppet hands

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52 thoughts on “Teaching Your Child to Become Wendy Williams & Other Horrors

  1. I’ll make a strange admission. I received a promotional email for a high-tech flesh… and yes, I did open it and read it. I’m a curious person. Apparently you can plug it into something and it’s like you’re having sex with the person you’re watching in a particular porn movie. I’ll see if it’s still in my inbox and get back to you with details. :D

    1. i am soooo not surprised that this exists! why don’t they make a version for women? you plug it in and while making out with you it says, ‘you do not look too fat in those jeans.’ too hack? i’m here everyday…

  2. I had to buy one of those fleshlights once as a gag gift during a fraternity event. I can’t even imagine the type of person who is that desperate as to stick their manhood in something like that. But I digress…

    My kids are either going to surpass Albert Einstein or be on America’s Most Wanted. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be one extreme or the other.

  3. I have to admit, I think the lobster in the pot is genius! The JD and smokes has to be a joke though, right? I mean seriously, that can’t be for real, can it? Oh–and the fleshlight–I’ll just say it wasn’t entirely unheard of in Iraq!

    1. lllooool, sparta. i’m sure it wasn’t! i kinda loved the lobster too. ssshhh, don’t tell anyone. no idea on the jd and smokes, couldn’t resist tho. glad you read it and always love seeing you here. xo, sm

  4. I wish I had known about that hand pillow thingy. To think i wasted all that time and energy holding my kid with my actual hands. Instead I could have used the time to sew him an infant marlboro cigarette costume while he and his Wendy Williams’ weave were comforted by the giant hands of Big Brother.

    1. llllooooolll, stop reading my blog while i’m reading yours! i can’t believe you held your son with your actual hands! you pagan! i mean how could you do such a thing when these creepy muppet hands exist? how? looollll. love you. love you. sm

    1. you know, german, my blog had been kicking EVERY one of your comments into my spam folder. odd, huh. well, i’ve just ‘released’ them. loollll. so, they are in a viewable state. sorry about that, never ignoring you. just didn’t know you were here. xo, sm

  5. I’m having difficulty wrapping my brain around the majority of this. I wonder where one gets a tiny Marlboro costume? If not purchased, then someone took the time to make it. Yikes.

  6. Hilarious, momma … hmmm .. must revisit some of my costume ideas ….just kidding. We did our best to let our girlie develop naturally. I think straight A student, award winning artist and poet says it all.

    Loved this … GC

      1. Just saw the whole thread .. WP sucks sometimes, yes yours probably is better behaved … we’ve just hit the tween years … apparently I suck.

        LOL .. GC

      2. you know i’m only teasing you. i think it’s AMAZING what you’ve done with your kid. for reals. pinky and i just get bored sometimes, i think. lolll. love you, gills. also read something awesome of yours the other night in bed and wanted to comment, but didn’t want to wake the wifesy. it was on your mission statement for school, me thinks. it was totally and completely awesome. xo, sm

      3. Oh, I know :-) and thank you, she’s wonderful in truth though she did inform me that I suck when I told her I wouldn’t stay up til 2am with her … LOL … I only find my funny with you, momma. I love commenting over here and thank you for the comment on my mission statement. Funny how things have changed.

    1. Flashback to Mum’s description of what he does with his car. Flashforward to cars in drive-ins bouncing up and down on their springs. Flashback to man with….oh gods. I can’t do it. I’m sorry I just can’t!!!!!!!!

  7. I remember seeing the commercials for that guy making out with his car! How does that even make sense at all? Wendy Williams… oh my gosh… haha in my high school we had to give a presentation about who inspires us and who we want to be like and there were an unfortunately large amount of people who chose Wendy Williams…
    Sometimes my generation and the ones after seriously make me question where this world is going to!
    Loved this! :)

    1. so glad you liked it, emi. yeah, i did a comedy show with wendy williams once and let’s just say i didn’t like her bedside manner. not one bit! people are misguided. looolll. but, life goes on. glad you are here and glad you liked the piece. much love, mother

  8. I had a shitload of pics on bad parenting awhile back. There are unfortunately a million of them out there. I loved the lobster pic but the kid doesn’t look thrilled to be there.
    Oh, and fyi, I love my car too. :-P

  9. So if the kid was dressed up as a bottle of Jack Daniels, would it be okay? I mean what kind of message are these parents’ sending when they dress their kid up as a lobster – screeching in agony as it is boiled alive in a giant soup pot? They’re grooming a serial killer, that’s what they’re doing. That kid is gonna start small, initially torturing seafood (goldfish), but will eventually move on to other fare: Chinese (dogs, cats), Peruvian (guinea pigs), British (something grey that might have been alive before it fell into a bog). Then he’ll move onto humans, starting with infants, then toddlers, then dwarves, then Mexicans, then Asians. At the peak of his killing cuisine career, he’ll be eating the Lakers for breakfast and Wendy Williams for lunch (guess there’s a silver lining to every cloud)…and it all started with that damned lobster pot costume. At least if he’d been dressed as a pack of cigarettes, the worst that could have happened is that he’d end up high as a kite at a Pfish concert dressed like a French clown (not in any way resembling any Canadian blogging clowns we might know and love).

  10. Thanks Mum, you’ve vindicated all those years I spent playing video games with my daughter. Apparently being an animator in games is quite a lucrative profession. I wonder if I could get her to pay my subscription to SWTOR…..

  11. I must admit, when I first saw the title of the post I thought you were opposed to parents teaching their kids to heat up a beefstick with a lighter, and eat it on national television. I was going to take issue with that because that’s the only thing I like about Wendy Williams.

  12. ‘Childless Mommy’ — great! That’s me. If I may borrow the phrase sometime. Yes, save, save the world from the creation of another lifesucking asshole I always say. I also always say if I’d had kids, they’d probably be in mental institutions. Why do we think our dna is so great, that we need perpetuation? While I had loving parents who cared, I still didn’t think my gene pool was that great. Why create another lost soul, I said…

  13. So … if I’m reading this right, you’re suggesting that dressing my baby up as a doobie for Halloween is a bad idea? Dammit. Now I have to rethink everything, and I REALLY. HATE. THINKING.

  14. Thank you SM! I’ve long pondered the source of inane Youtube commentary and now I know. Of course, who else could it possibly be…

  15. I love this: The adult-man-child haunts the basement where he does nothing, but post sh*tty comments on Youtube contributing nothing to the world. That guy should have a YouTube time out! Time out, jackass!

  16. OMG! Still laughing, but will stop long enough as to comment with minimal typos. Oh, the fleshy muppet hands…they give me creepy chills just looking at them, but then I stare long enough and the part of my mommy memory that was so incredibly sleep-deprived starts to shout that just maybe they are worth trying with baby boy #2….I promptly shove a sock in memory mommy’s mouth.
    I am so incredibly tempted to google the halloween costumes and put them on my children this October, and myself in a wine bottle (gotta class it up a bit!), and then stroll on over to my church’s Trunk or Treat just to see the shocked faces of my husband’s parishoners. I’m thinking the hubs may not greenlight this idea!

    Thanks for the laughs.

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