vespa-feature

Blog Seeks Intern

First off, an apology.  If I haven’t been answering your comments as much as usual or visiting your blog as regularly, it is because we are moving.  Today, we’re packing the last of our belongings into boxes and tomorrow the big, luggish, movers will come by with a truck.  Wifesy and I will be doing back-breaking cleaning of ceiling fans and baseboards in a futile attempt to get our deposit back.  It is a busy, busy time.

 

Wifesy and I have moved together 4 times in the 4+ years we’ve been together.  Needless to say, we are experts at it.  By Thursday, I fully expect us to be settled and in working order in our new home.  I’ve told Wifesy that after this move, I only want to move once more, into a house that we own.  A house that – if we want to – we can stay in until death.  I’m not sure my nomadic tendencies will even allow me to be in one place for that long.  However, I’d like the option.  I’d like the option of not having to move one more feckin’ box, ever again.  I guess you can say, I hate moving.  But, I don’t like to talk about hate.  I like to talk about love…

 

What I do love is this blog.  Now I don’t know if it’s the move or if it’s that I’ll be focusing a touch of Sweet Mother love on Le Clown this week or if it’s the dreamer in me, BUT I’ve been thinking a lot about an intern.  As in, I want one.  Sweet Mother has always wanted an intern.  I have a tendency to grossly over estimate the value of the imaginary companies that I’ve set up, such as Sweet Mother.  Today, it seems – to me – that the gross imaginary evaluation has reached a breaking point and we should hire someone.

 

Let’s digress and talk internships for a bit.  I had one, once, back when I was around 19.  Now, the capitalist in me thinks that to a degree, internships are wrong.  Everyone should be paid for everything, whether it’s stuffing and envelope, moderating a comment, or giving a presidential BJ.  However, the socialist-communist in me (redundancy much) feels that someone else should pay this fee.  So, my ethical jury is out when it comes to deciding whether or not the work of an intern is cruel or justified.  I say justified because interns are usually young and if you get to be that young and pretty, well, then someone much older should punish you for it.  So, even though I’m not sure if it’s a good thing – I still want an intern.  Incidentally, I feel the same way about a Vespa motor scooter – I want one – even though I’m not sure if it’s a good thing.  As Wifesy points out, if I get a Vespa, I may get to my location safely or I may end up skinless by the side of the highway.  Interns and motor-scooters – maybe even a Vespa riding intern, accomplishing two dreams in one.  Today, these are my wants.

 

Intern, is that you?

Maybe this is you, intern? And I see you've brought a friend...

 

Issue #1:  THE INTERN NEEDS A NAME.

 

At this particular address of the blogosphere, I am (RIGHTLY) referred to as Sweet Mother.  It seems only fair to me that my dutiful intern should also have a moniker because a) monikers are delightfully ridiculous much like monocles and b) if they should ever want to divorce their resumes from the work “experience” that was Sweet Mother, they can easily do so.  People may say, “Hey, weren’t you that intern named (Moniker X,Y,Z) who worked for Sweet Mother?  Didn’t you do that ungodly thing at Sweet Mother’s behest?”  The ex-intern can simply say, “No, that was not me.  That was Moniker X,Y,Z.”

 

So, they must have a name.  I’ve thought long and hard about this.  And I firmly believe, only one name fits best.  It is…

 

SWEET DODO, THE INTERN

 

It’s very important that we take a moment here because what I have just done, I believe, has never been done before, comedically speaking.  It is the comedic equivalent of a quadruple axle in figure skating.  I have just played a hand known now and forever more as…THE TRIPLE ENTENDRE.  Have you ever heard of one?  Me thinks not.  Yes, indeed, the triple entendre is alive and well.  The triple entendre not only says oodles about the limitless talent of its creator, but it also says something about the reader.  Think about it, the name – SWEET DODO – can be read, rightly, in any of these three separate ways.

 

Oh, I see, SWEET DODO – like the bird.  Sure it’s a bird that lost the ability to fly due to an exorbitant supply of food on the island of Mauritius, yet, there’s something cute about the dodo.  It’s an ugly, crippled, cute like an obese child from the island of America.  Surely those American children with their Type 2 diabetes are only a generation or two away from not being able to walk.  How fitting, then, that an American intern from an American company should be named after the lame dodo.

 

The portly Dodo, waiting for an instruction from SM.

 

Or you might have said to yourself…

 

SWEET DODO – what a lovely name.  Sweet Mother is a CAN-DO sort of person.  So, she must mean DO-DO as an attempt to inspire a young person.  Think you can’t do something, Sweet, Young, Person just out of University?  Never fear, Sweet Mother thinks you CAN DO.  She is telling you as much by calling you, Sweet DO-DO, everyday.  She means it like it sounds, “Go for it, DO-DO, you can DO IT!”

 

Or – all hail – the third option…

 

Perhaps, you’ve just woken up and you’ve run to your email to read my post, after brewing a cup of coffee.  Last night you enjoyed an overabundance of Mexican food or as your intestines like to call it, “MexiCAN’T food” and now, the coffee has hit, your stomach is rumbling and your brain synapses are firing incorrectly.  You say to yourself, SWEET DOO-DOO, that’s not very nice.  Why would Sweet Mother call her new intern the Canadian and American version of a word that children use for excrement?  How nasty.  Sweet Mother has lost it.  Oh, I need to run to the bathroom, “it’s time to drop the kids off at the pool.”

 

So, Sweet Dodo, Sweet DO-DO, or Sweet DOO-DOO, the pronunciation is all up to you.  The qualifications, however, are up to me.  They are:

 

  • Must know 5 or more languages
  • Must be proficient in Photoshop and Space Travel
  • Must have a loose understanding of Quantum Physics
  • Must be able to run the 400 meters in 43 seconds without using your legs (Thank you, Oscar Pistorius)
  • Must be proficient in coffee making, vegetable juicing, homemade soups, programming, coding, muffin baking, web design, and interior design
  • Must have circumnavigated the globe by age 16, using nothing but, the sun, moon, and stars
  • Must have a working knowledge of Hollywood and the comedy/ book publishing industry including extensive, Devil Wears Prada-like knowledge as to who’s an a-hole and who isn’t.  Must know how to navigate a field full of a-holes without actually stepping in sh*t.
  • Must know how to spar and make love, simultaneously.

 

I believe that concludes the requirements, if I have missed any, please let me know.

 

As I move my family and slowly lose my mind this week, I plan to brainstorm both job requirements for Sweet  DoDOo (confusing spelling intended) and the Craigslist ad that I will use to lure in…I mean hire, him or her.  Both will be shared in a later installment.  As always, your ideas are welcome and wanted.  Please leave them below.

 

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Photo creds:  feature, girl-vespa, vespa sidecar, dodo

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56 thoughts on “Blog Seeks Intern

    1. oooooohhhhh feckin’ A. i definitely should’ve included childcare in the qualifications. i’ll have to add in installment two. excellent childcare, is a must. as they will be taking partial care of baby and maybe even delivering it, if i’m too tired. looollll. xoxo will get to your blog soon, too. you have a lot of headlines i want to read, crazy with the move. xoxo

      1. Unfortunately, I speak 6 languages… not 5, but I can do all of those other things, and I am raising 3-5 kids at all times, depending on who’s home. My bet is we’d laugh a lot too. However, that sounds like I need an intern too! Sweet, mother.

    1. lloooolll. that oscar makes me bananas. i mean, i can barely shimmy on two working legs. mabye i should’ve said if you meet 7 out of the 8 requirements, apply anyway? wouldn’t want to miss any stellar applicants like yourself…

      1. If I could come up with the appropriate response to accurately sum up my excitement towards this idea I would use it now. For the moment, I will settle for a resounding “heck yes!”

      2. I have no idea why, but I keep trying to be funny while creating this even though I know that’s not my job, that’s yours. Maybe I’m already fired.

      3. Dear SM, I am about to be completely random by replying to this thread so long after the fact.

        So…

        In my application to be your personal assistant I forgot to mention I could teach your future gayby to speak other languages.

  1. Ooooh… and all of you other SweetMother fans- eat your hearts out. She and I talk all the time. She reads me all the time. ALL THE TIME. You know what that means? I’m the real, natural, child. All of you are adopted. Adopted I say.

  2. The dodo is also extinct. Anyone capable of those qualifications is probably also extinct. Or someplace else in the space-time continum and not available so might as well be extinct. Sounds like you want The Doctor as your intern now that I think about it.

    1. looool, perhaps, perhaps. i don’t want anyone to have to work, so i’m making the requirements unreasonable and i think that’s very nice of me. but, knowing my luck someone will achieve them all and i’ll have to find an envelope for them to stuff. entendre intended! xoxoxo

  3. Moving blows. I feel your pain. May this be your last move for a long, long time, and may all of your belongings reach their destination without being damaged by movers. (Also, tell Wifesy I feel her pain too–Mr. Weebles wants a motorcycle and I tell him the same thing she tells you about the Vespa.)

    Sweet dodo is a nice name. It’s a nice homage to one of our extinct creatures, as well as being a cute, diminutive type of nickname.

    I would be honored to apply for the job except I don’t meet your requirements because I suck at Photoshop.

    Looking forward to seeing you blogging from your new home soon!

    xoxo Mme Weebles

    1. yaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy, weebles. momma loves you and this comment. don’t let your hubby get a vespa / motorcycle. i want one, but i like that wifesy has a vested interest in me keeping my skin. it’s very sweet of her and sweet of you to do for hubsy too. hubsy sounds strange, no? hugsy, me

  4. I meet all of the qualifications except for the running part. My legs are a vital part of me. Also, the languages I speak are fluent, but not of a tongue anyone would recognize. I happened upon them whilst traveling in what appeared to be a mix between Narnia and Never-Never Land. I used to have seven toes on each foot (which made me excellent at cooking spaghetti), but they got chopped off in the womb.
    Other qualifications include:
    – I can sing without using my eyeballs.
    – I can dance without my fingertips or my armpit muscles.
    – I can compose a three-part Opera in ten seconds flat provided I have access to the Italian Sonata database.
    – I can time travel to this exact moment in the present, in which I am typing.
    I also have extensive access to my own earlobes, if that makes any difference. The only problem being that I have no time to work and have wasted my free time for the next year on writing this ridiculous comment.
    Much love. <3 Mylifeinheartbeats.

  5. Awe Mama! /pouts
    I was checking off that list just fine, then totally went splat with the navigating a$$holes and sh!t-dodging… c’est la vie!
    *sighs deeply*
    Love and squishes!
    Veggiewitch ♥

  6. “Blog seeks intern” is especially hilarious. “Unpaid writer seeks unpaid lackey.” Although you’re probably raking it in for your comic genius by now…

  7. I’m pretty sure you’re looking for Sheldon Cooper, Ph.D., though I’m not sure about the “spar and make love simultaneously” bit. Pretty sure he’s still a virgin, literally and metaphorically. However, in his mind, he can verbally spar and make love and the same time, evidenced by his random shouting of the word “Bazinga!” You’ll have to pick him up though; he doesn’t drive. His friend, Howard, does have a scooter, but you don’t want to go there. He just an engineer. Then again, he does enjoy regular contact with his mother, so maybe he’d view you as a mother figure…or one hell of a challenge.

    1. His ability to speak Klingon might come in handy. The car thing shouldn’t be an issue. Leonard could drive him (it’s probably in the roommate agreement).

      There’s one other problem though: he doesn’t have a working knowledge of Hollywood

      1. I disagree.When it comes to sci-fi, I’m willing to bet that Sheldon knows every detail about a vast array of films and television shows, excluding Babylon 5, of course. Plus, he’s got Penny at his disposal. She’s an actress…sort of…and she can show him the ropes. He also know Will Wheaton, though he may have to use Leonard as a go-between. The part about his speaking Klingon is an excellent point, though.

      2. Yes, he has Penny around, but also means admitting he doesn’t know anything about Hollywood. ;) I remember when she asked him who Radiohead was and he couldn’t answer that. And in another episode, I remember her asking pop culture trivia questions. I don’t remember who was there, but if Sheldon was, he didn’t know the answers. He does know a lot about various films and tv shows though. (sorry, that was a really discombobulated response..)

        I forgot about the DNA bit! Look out, Hollywood!

  8. Like I explained to Le Clown before accepting my just-wrapped Assistantship, I’m not an intern. I have absolutely no desire to have oversized objects inserted into my mouth.
    =)

  9. You forgot to mention…

    Must be able to lug heavy boxes around on moving day

    Therefore, Mumsy dear, your own ineptitude means you’ll have to stop replying to us all and put your back into it before Wifesy gets the hump.

  10. I cant do any of those things but i can drive a Vespa safely…i think you give me a scooter and the world is safe..you give me a car…please be ready to bail me out of the police station.. :)
    great post Sweet Mom …!!
    hope your shifting goes smoothly and congratulations on new place.. i don’t like shifting but i think i’m quite talented at packing things

  11. I possess all the qualification that you you list, SM. I frequent Venus; understandably, since I am Queen/Ruler there. Good luck in your quest for the perfect SD and with the move.

  12. Now Husband has the first five of your qualifications and could easily have circumnavigated the globe like that except his parents forced him to ride on ships that others were captaining. I don’t know about the last two items. He would probably agree to be your intern if he could continue to sail, take naps, solve the problems of the world, and scream at Fox News.

  13. Great post!

    I love the intern name…if you get any applicants, you’ll know up-front that they’ll be willing to take a lot of crap with a name like Sweet Dodo.

  14. If you drop the vegetable-juicing, I am so your Vespa-side-car-ridin’ intern. I lost part of a shin juicing a tomato in 1996. And to think all that time, that goddamn tomato was a fruit not a vegetable.

  15. Good luck with the move, Sweet Mother! If I may offer a suggestion . . . stop by your local big-box store and buy a box of baby wipes. Believe me when I tell you they will clean ANYTHING. I have four kids under the age of five and a half-Saint Bernard puppy, so I know whereof I speak ;)

    Love the intern idea, to. You crack me up!

  16. Good luck with the move and I also hate moving. I counted a while back and I think I’ve moved about a dozen times since I was married 25 years ago.. I phuckin’ hate it.

    I was going to apply for your intern position…but I am not young enough and far too pretty to be compared to a fat, ugly, extinct for a reason, bird OR…shit.

  17. You know what I liked the most about this post? The part where wifesy was busy packing and you were obviously using writing the post to act busy (and wish out loud for someone else to do the hard stuff for you). Nice job.

    Now pick up a box and get on with it woman!! ;)

    By the way, I totally agree with irishsignora, baby wipes will clean anything, whether it wants to be cleaned or not.

  18. I am truly thinking if you want an intern they get the Vespa and you will need to graduate to a Harley (it is the way of it).

    Interns should do the heavy lifting, thus leaving you to continue on with your real work effortlessly. With a good intern you would be well on your way to ruling the world, no more moving just multiple homes fully stocked to enable wanderlust without the pain of scrubbing for returns of deposits.

    Good luck on your move!

  19. Question: If said intern possesses practically none of the aforementioned qualifications yet, but DOES bear an uncanny resemblance to the DoDo, will that suffice? Imagine having an intern who looks exactly like an extinct bird. Not many people can say that..

    Lets be real, the purpose of an intern is to make YOU look good anyway.

    I’ve got your back, SM!

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