I Just Want Internet

“High speed internet, please,” I said.

“Okay, would you like 12 rams, 40 gigabytes, 52mbs, 75 kroners, or 1 teleport?”

“What?  I just want the one for decently fast usage, some movie watching, 24/7 access, that kind of thing,” I said.

“Okay, we have the standard pack with 47 gigabytes.”

“Great, let’s go with that.”

“May I ask who you have your TV service with?”

“DirectTV.  We have a 2 year contract with them.  We can’t break it without paying a fee.  So, we’re just going to keep them.”

“I understand.  How about I run through the prices anyway.  So you can see what you’ll save just in case?”

“Just in case, what?”

“Just in case you change your mind.”

“Well, I’m not going to change my mind.  I just went through this with another guy and we got disconnected.  So I’d love to jump ahead to the part where you tell me when the install guy is coming.”

“Okay, but let me run through the prices, so you can understand what you’d be saving.  What do you pay for your current TV package?”


“I’ve got you sucka…”


Sigh #1.  “Around $80 or something.”

“80, mm, hmm.  Okay.  I can give you a complete TV package with 789 channels and internet for $79.95.”

“Wow, what savings.”

“Well, yes, only 5 cents, but it means you’re getting the internet for free.”

“Right, that’s lovely.  Can I just get the internet?”

“I understand.  May I ask why you’re declining the TV package?”

“Because as I mentioned to you earlier, I’m already under a contract with DirectTV for another year and I don’t want to pay the $20/ month break the contract fee.”

“Well, what if I give you a $200 gift card and the internet, plus TV package at $79.95.”

“You know, I love this little dance we’re doing, which is less of a dance and more like you spinning into me and slapping me across the face with your sales packages, BUT no I JUST WANT THE INTERNET SERVICE.”

“I understand.  May I ask why you’re declining the TV package plus free internet with my $200 gift card?”

Sigh #2.  “Because the guy has already set it up.”

“I see.  What if I give you the TV package plus free internet with a $200 gift card and I waive the installation fee?”

“Listen, I understand you have your protocols and I understand that the motherfeckers of your corporate monolith want you to go through each sales package with the customer from every possible angle until they relent from fatigue and sign on for the biggest package possible with you, but I am one stubborn b*tch-cake and as I said from jump, I just want the internet.”

“I understand…”

“Why do I feel like you do NOT understand?”


“String theory? Oh, I understand…”


“I understand.  So, for the internet I can waive the $750 deposit if you sign up for autopay.”

“Yes, of course, let’s sign up for autopay, by all means.”

“I’ll need your social security number.”

“I’d rather not give that over the phone.”

“Okay, then I’ll need your driver’s license.”

“Okay, it’s a New York license.”

“That’s fine.  Oh, are you from New York?”

“Yes, I am.”

“How are you finding California?  Don’t you think the people are more relaxed here?”

“I understand.  Would you like to hear my license number?”

“I lived in New York for a small time when I was a child.  It’s a very crazy place.”

“I understand.  I would like to give you my driver’s license number.  My omelette is getting cold.”

“I understand…”

“No, that’s my line now!  You forfeited that line when you tried to start up small talk!”

“I understand.  I’ll need your license number, your credit card, the name and profession of your first gayby, and the name of the first tree you had ever climbed.”

“Okay, the name of the first tree I’ve ever climbed?  What does that even mean?”

“You know…was it a birch, a beech, coconut, avocado, maple…what kind of tree?  Its name, its genus – some might call it – please.”


“Is that the name of the first tree you had ever climbed?”

“If I say yes will that speed things up?”


“Oh, my god.  Did you just say yes?”

“I understand…”


“I understand…”

“Yes, the first tree I had ever climbed was the I JUST WANT THE INTERNET TREE.  I climbed it very fast, although when I came down, my mother said I had a virus.”

“I understand.”


“I understand.  Would you like your installation to happen between 10-12, 1-2, 4-6, or 10-12?”


Can this guy make it happen? This is not a philosophical question.


“You said 10-12 twice.”

“I understand, which would you like?”

“10-12, please.”

“10-12pm or 10-12am?”

“What kind of choice is that?”

“An evening or morning choice?”


“I understand.  So, 10-12am then.”

“No, that would be the pm choice.  I want the am choice.”

“I understand.  The am choice consists of 10-12am.  Your installer will be there between 10-12am.”

“No!  I want the morning.  I want the morning.”

“So, you want the pm choice?”

“What?  “Who’s on first?”

“George Takei is on first.”

Pregnant pause.

“From Star Trek?”


“Did you just say yes?”


“Sounds good then.”

“I understand…”

“No.  You do not.”

“I understand.  Your internet installer will arrive tomorrow between 10-12pm.  Thank you for your business.”

“No.  No, thank you.”




Sweet Mother is updated in some way daily.  Today, it was updated using nothing, but a smartphone and a cable.  Tomorrow it will be updated using standard internet connection methods, providing the installer arrives.  If you’d like to receive an email to any device you own regarding this content, simply click the “follow” button above.



You might also like:

Press 1 If You Hate Customer Service

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Note for my readers:  Hello all, I will be back to talking about gaybies and wifesies shortly.  Please endure me while I gleefully express my moving frustrations through the written word.



Photo credits:  obama-cable, cable guy, customerservicerep

69 thoughts on “I Just Want Internet

    1. jackassery, asshat-ery, it is everywhere. it is a plague. soon it will all be worked out. still waiting for the internet guy….ooops, he’s here. hold please! lol.

  1. If it were me I would of asked for a hot stone massage and a portly woman dressed in a toga feeding me grapes to switch to the TV package.

    Let me guess. Time Warner Cable?

    1. i love that you said, ‘and a portly woman’. i heart you, rob rubin. i heart you. looll. and yes, time warner, you’re like a tech genius. xo, sm

      1. No, just a former California resident who has had his own run-ins with TWCs incompetence.

        And im glad I’m not the only one whose phone is getting blasted with comments. I love you Sweet Mother but this is ridiculous. This post better not get freshly pressed. That’s all I have to say.

      2. it’s not me, goddamn it, it’s wordpress! lol. uncheck the box, rob, uncheck the box and all will be well. *maniacal cackle* xo, sm

      3. Being the tech nerd that I am don’t you think I tried that already? Its ok. It hides the occasional penis enlargement spam quite nicely.

    1. get out! i’ve tried crying. they usually just send me for a psych eval. you didn’t know time warner could do that, did you….loool. i love that you got $60 off your bill tho. so damn gratifying when that happens, isn’t it? xo, sm

  2. “Listen, I understand you have your protocols and I understand that the motherfeckers of your corporate monolith want you to go through each sales package with the customer from every possible angle until they relent from fatigue and sign on for the biggest package possible with you, but I am one stubborn b*tch-cake and as I said from jump, I just want the internet.”
    BAHAHAHAHA BEST EVER!!!!! I would love to have a customer say this to me, because I would say, why yes, yes they are horrible people who like to run their heads into GINORMOUS brick walls because they are too incompetent to figure their crap out! 😀 Then obviously I would get fired, but you get the drift!

  3. What number do I press to stop receiving an email each time there is a new comment here? That just started. Did the cable company change the follow settings on your blog? You didn’t request that, did you? Give me their number, I will call them up and get some kind of upgrade for this screw up. : )

    1. I’ve noticed this too. Today. Not before. No where else. I know I didn’t tell it to notify me of every comment. Hmmm. Gosh darn, cable company.

      1. There’s a check box under the new comment box that’s now checked by default. Don’t blame Sweet Mother, I’m sure the internet companies did it!

        In one of the emails you got, there’s a link to change your preferences.

        And now I have to remember to unclick the box!

    2. yes, follow lauren’s advice below! wordpress implemented a new comment-annoyance strategy. i swear i don’t have enough power to even think of such a thing! lol. xo, sm

      1. okay good. I thought maybe I clicked something while I was drunk blogging. Thanks for catching that. BTW Sweet Mother, you captured the customer experience perfectly. I felt my own blood pressure tick up a little, but you of course you gave us a good laugh. Thanks!

  4. It sounded like when I tried to cancel AOL. It took several years. They kept telling me it was cancelled and then billing would start again. They gave me 6 months free, then another. I finally cancelled my card and got a new one w/ a new number. Then they kept calling me. I kept telling them that I would refuse to pay because I had repeatedly cancelled my service and kept not following through properly. The conversations were very much like your above sample.

    1. does aol stand for asses online? seems like that from your terrible story. hope it was finally resolved. hell these things, hell! lol. much love, mother

  5. Amazing. If you could please write me some dialogue for every interaction I have to have with customer ‘service’ people, that would be great. I will pay you in vodka and cupcakes.

    1. my pleasure. i accept grey goose, and vanilla cupcakes with chocolate icing, and mastercard. the mastercard is less for you and more for the ‘gods’ so that they’ll know i accept money as well. you, i will accept cake and booze from. 😉 mother

      1. No, noooooo….can’t live without the internet Mum! I’m sure the himalayas are very nice this time of year but the view doesn’t /move/ 😦

        I was without the internet for almost two weeks when we first moved here and I’m sure that’s when I started going grey from withdrawal symptoms….

    1. i have a divot the size of an anvil with a time warner logo on it, nicely placed in the middle of my forehead, as per your request. did i go too far? lol. much love, mother (and hope you’re feeling better, sweet one.)

  6. I could feel my blood pressure going up just reading this. And the fact that you wrote this entire entry using nothing but a smartphone means that you are truly The Most Dedicated Blogger Ever.

    1. weebs, i truly have a blogging addiction. it’s been evident to me in many different ways since starting this project. one was yesterday, ‘making’ a post from the parking lot of ikea. another today, as i tethered myself to my smartphone like some kind of virtual queen of the nothingness. ay yay yay. xoxo, sm

  7. That’s weird. Did u check the follow comments box when u originally commented? Cyber things are so annoying. Tho I am noticing a new wp comment feature too. Not that one, but it seems to quote my article on a lot of comments. Strange. I’ll look into it for u on my end, once my internet is up that is…lol. but I will say its doubtful I can do anything about it. Much love, mother **NOTE, THIS COMMENT WAS FOR THE LADIES UP TOP HAVING COMMENT TROUBLE. SEE LAUREN’S ANSWER AND YE SHALL BE HEALED OF INTRUSIVE COMMENT DELIVERY! LOL. XO, SM

  8. Believe me, we all understand and empathize with you on this one!

    In fact, hey Freshly Pressed lords–come check out this one from Sweet Mother. It’s a Presser for sure! 🙂

    1. aw, you are too kind to me. that will probably never happen again. but, there’s always hoping and writing and writing and writing. you’re the greatest, carrie. much love, sm

  9. why do they say I UNDERSTAND when that’s the last thing they do…

    Me: you charged me 50 bucks for a pack i did not activate
    Caller: i understand but we got a request from your phone
    me: i dont want the pack
    caller: sorry mam, there is nothing we can do about it now. you can deactivate it but it will be charged and added in your current bill cycle

    Sweet Mom this happened to me for real…
    but am happy you got your internet .. 🙂

  10. Does this mean you have internet!? Was it midnight when they arrived at your house and insisted YOU chose that time?!
    wait… did you call the cops on the midnight internet installer guy!? <– I need to read that story!

  11. I got a new internet modem yesterday. I had to call C*****t to activate it but they told me if I wanted to, I could just activate it on line. Oh okay, then I’ll go online to activate my internet that’s not activated so I can’t go online.

    OK! Thank you!

  12. Oh, too funny but also too sadly true. But I’m having no luck making a “global change” to the new default email settings. I can only “unsubscribe” from specific posts where I’ve forgotten to uncheck the darn box. This change was not a good one! Maybe you can post on that and get them to change it back!!!

  13. I have no idea how you managed to stay semi-sane through that and still come out laughing. I think I would have stormed down to their offices, grabbed the first person I saw, shaken them warmly by the throat, and screamed “Do you understand this you stupid fecking moron?”…. or hung up and gone to a different company for my internet.

  14. actually its really abit funny when you tell it to other people but when it happens to you its really annoying… some customer service is really helping sometimes! LOL

  15. Hahaha For the love of God, I feel your pain! I had a recent experience while trying to have my U-verse switched from one apartment to another. Who knew it could be so complicated!? Love your blog, by the way. Hilarious.

  16. Lord, Sweet Mother, that was just hil-aaaaaiiiirrrrrrr-ious! This post reminded me of an old (really old!) Erma Bombeck essay from If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries – What am I Doing in the Pits?

  17. So true. Why does it have to be so much work to give people your money. Here’s my money, just take it. End of transaction. I understand. Can I ask you why the transaction ended? Because we’re done here. Hahaha, it’s universal.

  18. I friggin’ HATE calling the cable/internet company. They want to wear you down until you’re sitting in your underwear on a Saturday night watching one of the 1000+ channels they’ve set you up with.

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