“High speed internet, please,” I said.

“Okay, would you like 12 rams, 40 gigabytes, 52mbs, 75 kroners, or 1 teleport?”

“What?  I just want the one for decently fast usage, some movie watching, 24/7 access, that kind of thing,” I said.

“Okay, we have the standard pack with 47 gigabytes.”

“Great, let’s go with that.”

“May I ask who you have your TV service with?”

“DirectTV.  We have a 2 year contract with them.  We can’t break it without paying a fee.  So, we’re just going to keep them.”

“I understand.  How about I run through the prices anyway.  So you can see what you’ll save just in case?”

“Just in case, what?”

“Just in case you change your mind.”

“Well, I’m not going to change my mind.  I just went through this with another guy and we got disconnected.  So I’d love to jump ahead to the part where you tell me when the install guy is coming.”

“Okay, but let me run through the prices, so you can understand what you’d be saving.  What do you pay for your current TV package?”


“I’ve got you sucka…”


Sigh #1.  “Around $80 or something.”

“80, mm, hmm.  Okay.  I can give you a complete TV package with 789 channels and internet for $79.95.”

“Wow, what savings.”

“Well, yes, only 5 cents, but it means you’re getting the internet for free.”

“Right, that’s lovely.  Can I just get the internet?”

“I understand.  May I ask why you’re declining the TV package?”

“Because as I mentioned to you earlier, I’m already under a contract with DirectTV for another year and I don’t want to pay the $20/ month break the contract fee.”

“Well, what if I give you a $200 gift card and the internet, plus TV package at $79.95.”

“You know, I love this little dance we’re doing, which is less of a dance and more like you spinning into me and slapping me across the face with your sales packages, BUT no I JUST WANT THE INTERNET SERVICE.”

“I understand.  May I ask why you’re declining the TV package plus free internet with my $200 gift card?”

Sigh #2.  “Because the guy has already set it up.”

“I see.  What if I give you the TV package plus free internet with a $200 gift card and I waive the installation fee?”

“Listen, I understand you have your protocols and I understand that the motherfeckers of your corporate monolith want you to go through each sales package with the customer from every possible angle until they relent from fatigue and sign on for the biggest package possible with you, but I am one stubborn b*tch-cake and as I said from jump, I just want the internet.”

“I understand…”

“Why do I feel like you do NOT understand?”


“String theory? Oh, I understand…”


“I understand.  So, for the internet I can waive the $750 deposit if you sign up for autopay.”

“Yes, of course, let’s sign up for autopay, by all means.”

“I’ll need your social security number.”

“I’d rather not give that over the phone.”

“Okay, then I’ll need your driver’s license.”

“Okay, it’s a New York license.”

“That’s fine.  Oh, are you from New York?”

“Yes, I am.”

“How are you finding California?  Don’t you think the people are more relaxed here?”

“I understand.  Would you like to hear my license number?”

“I lived in New York for a small time when I was a child.  It’s a very crazy place.”

“I understand.  I would like to give you my driver’s license number.  My omelette is getting cold.”

“I understand…”

“No, that’s my line now!  You forfeited that line when you tried to start up small talk!”

“I understand.  I’ll need your license number, your credit card, the name and profession of your first gayby, and the name of the first tree you had ever climbed.”

“Okay, the name of the first tree I’ve ever climbed?  What does that even mean?”

“You know…was it a birch, a beech, coconut, avocado, maple…what kind of tree?  Its name, its genus – some might call it – please.”


“Is that the name of the first tree you had ever climbed?”

“If I say yes will that speed things up?”


“Oh, my god.  Did you just say yes?”

“I understand…”


“I understand…”

“Yes, the first tree I had ever climbed was the I JUST WANT THE INTERNET TREE.  I climbed it very fast, although when I came down, my mother said I had a virus.”

“I understand.”


“I understand.  Would you like your installation to happen between 10-12, 1-2, 4-6, or 10-12?”


Can this guy make it happen? This is not a philosophical question.


“You said 10-12 twice.”

“I understand, which would you like?”

“10-12, please.”

“10-12pm or 10-12am?”

“What kind of choice is that?”

“An evening or morning choice?”


“I understand.  So, 10-12am then.”

“No, that would be the pm choice.  I want the am choice.”

“I understand.  The am choice consists of 10-12am.  Your installer will be there between 10-12am.”

“No!  I want the morning.  I want the morning.”

“So, you want the pm choice?”

“What?  “Who’s on first?”

“George Takei is on first.”

Pregnant pause.

“From Star Trek?”


“Did you just say yes?”


“Sounds good then.”

“I understand…”

“No.  You do not.”

“I understand.  Your internet installer will arrive tomorrow between 10-12pm.  Thank you for your business.”

“No.  No, thank you.”




Sweet Mother is updated in some way daily.  Today, it was updated using nothing, but a smartphone and a cable.  Tomorrow it will be updated using standard internet connection methods, providing the installer arrives.  If you’d like to receive an email to any device you own regarding this content, simply click the “follow” button above.



You might also like:

Press 1 If You Hate Customer Service

Update Plague Destroys Computer Village

Note for my readers:  Hello all, I will be back to talking about gaybies and wifesies shortly.  Please endure me while I gleefully express my moving frustrations through the written word.



Photo credits:  obama-cable, cable guy, customerservicerep

About these ads