Fat Lady, Fat Lady, Fat Gayby

Things are going well at the lodge, which is what I’m calling our new place.  We’ve got these high-assed vaulted ceilings that are pretty awesome, but also a lot of work.  We’re going to need painters to come in and I think they are going to need jet-packs or some kind of scaffolding, but jet-packs would be way cooler.


The view from my bed this morning…


Since Wifesy and I have this new place, we’re embarking on some new beginnings of sorts.  We are – basically – setting some goals.  I’m going to land a writing job.  We’re going to get out of debt and save some dough for maybe the first time ever and we both want to lose some weight.


Now, of course, when it comes to that last one, Wifesy and I are in completely different hemispheres.  Wifesy can maybe lose 5lbs before she starts looking all Kate Moss-ish.  I need to lose like 40 before I start looking all Kathy Bates-ish.  She-sus Christ, indeed.


How in the hell did this happen to me?


Well, let’s go way back…to Sweet Mother’s mother.


My mother almost died.  Very recently.  Last year, while I was in Scotland.  I was a bit removed feeling from it, being so far away.  But, I knew something was up because my brother kept calling me.  He kept saying, “Mom’s not okay.”  If that’s not a sign like a cartoon-anvil across the forehead than I don’t know what is.  Mom was in the hospital with pneumonia.  What scared the bejesus out of me is that at first they thought she had  congestive heart failure.  Take a look at the Wikipedia link, I did and it wasn’t good.  Thankfully, she didn’t have that.  It was a horrible pneumonia.  She had diabetes, to the point where she now had to take insulin shots, and her asthma was off the charts.


My mother has had crippling asthma for as long as I can remember.  She’s also always been on the heavier side and she loves her booze.  My mother is not your typical, “let herself go” type of fat mom.  You know, one of those roundish women you see who hate their lives on The Biggest Loser.  My mother has always been the life of the party.  She laughs harder than anyone else, tells the best stories, and overall just enjoys herself.  She loves, loves, the pleasures of life and a lot of times this involves good food and good alcohol.


I have this vivid memory of my mom and my aunt sitting in beach chairs, ankle deep in the Atlantic Ocean surf, with a pitcher of margaritas between them.  They’re laughing and laughing and laughing.  My mom is holding court and telling stories to anyone who passes by and us kids are weaving in and out of their thighs as we splash around in the water.  The whole time – and it was hours – I remember my mom going, “You know, my legs are getting kind of numb.  These margaritas have got to be strong.  Did you make these margaritas extra strong?” She asked my aunt.


Hours later, my mom and aunt finally got up from their cocktail chairs.  They realized – instantly – that they had both been sitting in a school of baby jellyfish…for hours.  Hours and hours.  The back of mom’s legs looked like Maine lobsters.  But, she just laughed it off, as she often did.


I have another equally strong memory.  My mother and I had just come home from having lunch together.  My brother is gay and my mom was trying to process it, trying to deal with it in her own way.  I remember sitting on the couch and watching her as we were talking.  She got up, went over to the liquor cabinet, grabbed a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label Scotch, shimmied back over to the couch, and sat down with it.  She never opened the scotch.  She just held it, like an anchor, or a baby, or a leaning post.  I have no doubt – in that moment – it steadied her.  She didn’t even take a drink, but the idea of the bottle and the stuff inside, it helped her.  If that doesn’t say “drinker” than I don’t know what does.


So, my mother gets ill and recovers.  My dad was afraid, my brother was afraid, and I was in a quasi-denial.  But, thank god, she recovers.  Once my mother recovers, she does something she’s never done before.  She stops drinking.  Completely.  Not even 1 cocktail here or there.  Cold turkey with no help.  The woman is almost 70 years old.  She stops drinking and she starts eating really well and she loses 75 lbs.  She’s now the skinniest member of her family, meaning the skinniest among her brothers and sisters.  She also now fits into my jeans, which honestly made me wince and awed me all at once.


I can’t tell you how proud I am of my mom when it comes to this accomplishment.  She’s fought weight her whole life.  Her entire life.  She’s kept the 75lbs off for close to a year and she’s given up drinking completely.  She is no longer on insulin meds for her diabetes.  Her asthma is under control.  And even greater still, she did it all while still being married to my father!  I say that because I KNOW my father was not one bit helpful when it came to her diet.  Only two of them live in our old house together, yet, my dad still shops for 4 people.  He buys every junk-filled thing you can think of.  It’s his nerves.  I swear to you.  My dad is like one of those people who survived the depression and as a result now has a compulsion to hide food under the bed.


My dad has never had a weight problem.  He can’t stop moving.  I’ve inherited a little bit of this from him, as well.  I like to move.  I like to do stuff.  My mom prefers to sit, as does my brother a bit, I think.


So, the fact that my mother lost all of that weight while basically living in my fathers version of Willy Wonka’s Candy and Carb Emporium – is NO small thing.


I know that as I sit here, I have to lose my extra weight – permanently – like my mom did.  I have to eradicate it from my life.  Even though I would rather watch an hour of Fox news a day then workout.  I’d rather read those boring, sale bin books at the library then give up my booze.  I’d rather watch Charlie Rose drone on and on in a Charlie Rose interview with a Dead Person marathon than give up my Mexican food.  What I’m trying to say is that I’d rather take on anything else than undergo this project.


Yet, I have to do these things.  I’ve got to do them, even as Wifesy sits there all skinny and pretty, I’ve got to do them for me.  Sorry to get all Oprah, but I have to break the cycle and stop myself from having a super, fat gayby.  I would rather a healthy child than a super-sized, American baby like this:


Gayby, is that you?

Gorgeous, Gaysian, Gayby, Momma loves you with all of her heart. That’s why I’m telling you to put down the Snickers!

Okay, guess what we’re doing today? A family workout at the park. I’m bringin’ celery sticks. We’re burning the Cheese Whiz and the Chex Mix. Period.


A fat gayby would be my fault because if you have a kid that size it IS your fault.  They can’t buy their own food, so somehow YOU are doing it to them.  I honestly feel that if I don’t stop it now, it’s destined to happen.  So, I’m going to stop it.  My new slogan is — FAT GAYBY NO!


I also have to figure out how to talk about it in this blog without going completely Bridget Jones Diary on you all.


I really don’t want to start every post with something a la Bridget.  For example:  Started day off well.  Had a protein shake and a hard boiled egg.  Lunch was a salad.  Evening went to the dogs.  Had 3 skinny margaritas and a chalupa wrapped in Fritos from Taco Bell.  Btw, Taco Bell will wrap anything in anything.  What’s next a hot dog wrapped in leftover liposuction remnants?  What the hell will they call that?  The Gordo Perro, surely.


So, I have to find a way to Sweet Mother-ize it, so I can discuss it here.  Regardless, today we start.  The rest remains to be seen.



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All photo credits today from veryfunnyblogspot, which has an abnormally large collection of fat baby pics.


62 thoughts on “Fat Lady, Fat Lady, Fat Gayby

  1. Losing weight is why I started my blog. Sparkpeople is a good website and they give good work out tips. Count calories, it really does help. I’ve lost 10 but need 10 more before I go to the doctor in June 😦

    I hate exercise. I love wine and cheese and butter and bread and movie popcorn, etc…. So glad your mom is okay!
    xo mags

    1. she’s a fighter that one, who knew! i’m going to do this. but, i don’t want it to be all i talk about, so i’m going to have to figure that one out. i will so check out sparkpeople. i have this weird thing where i need to talk about things before i do them, but it’s going to happen. i love bread and rice and cheese and wine and i’m so annoyed, but we’re giving them up. Well, actually we’re doing 6 days on the diet, one day of fun, so i don’t lose my mind, but i think we’ll get there. xo, sm

  2. If you have an Xbox, their Kinect fitness something or other is not half bad for exercising. I have not felt nearly as mortified doing the exercises on there as I have when I’ve played with my friends’ Wii fits. They have a good mix of games, and there’s an excellent punching one that was good for my rage this past week.

    1. ok, ‘a punching one that’s good for my rage…’ i think i love you. lol. i don’t have an xbox currently. we have too many gadgets already! lol. but, i AM going to try this thing called crossfit. it’s insane. and you can expect posts on it, once i do. xo, sm

      1. It was great. I was really cranky about my friend’s increasingly unreasonable expectations for her bachelorette, and I got new high scores on the game just working out my irritation about ballooning guest lists, loud dildo jokes in a family restaurant, and her unwillingness to consider that I might not appreciate her propensity to complain about me to my friends.

        And do let me know about crossfit! Is it a program through a gym, or a home workout thing?

      2. cross fit is insanity and i promise you, if i do it and commit to it, you’ll hear all about it. you can do it at home, but i’ll prob do it in a gym. okay, loud dildo jokes in a restaurant. wtf. you are a better person than i to survive all of that… stay strong, fads, that sounds nutball-ish to the highest level! xo, sm

      3. I may do some googling about this crossfit thing; I am intrigued.

        And yeah. It was not a good evening. Thankfully I got sick halfway through dinner and so was not present for the game of Pin The Junk On The Hunk. I was present for the phallus covered veil, though. Also, the wedding’s in two weeks, so hopefully she will return to sanity shortly thereafter.

  3. This blogger is very proud of Sweet Mother. Good for you! It won’t be easy, but we’ll cheer you on, because a happy, healthy Sweet Mother is a gift to all of us. 🙂

    That is really impressive about your mom. I have such great admiration for people who drop the weight and keep it off, because it is not easy and really requires a lifestyle change. Good for her. She’s likely added years to her life, and who doesn’t want that?

    1. be proud when i actually lose some lbs. this is me just talking about it, right now. i tend to talk about things before i do them. i don’t know why. i stopped drinking once for a month during the xmas season in new york and it was difficult because EVERYONE makes merry during that time and the free drinks at the comedy clubs are FLOWING. so, i read everything i could get my hands on to stop boozing and i finally did it. one full month. so, hopefully this is a version of that. i also partly think i’m doing it as a homage to my mom. i can’t believe she did all that. it shows you can make a change AT ANY age. she’s totally inspiring. it’s the most inspiring thing i’ve ever seen her do. anyway, rubes, love you. xo, sm

      1. But admitting your desire to lose weight on your blog is a good first step. Makes you a bit more accountable. But remember, moderation is key. Deprive yourself too much, and you’ll likely turn all Tasmanian Devil. 🙂

    1. i need that person! you have no idea. i used to do a joke about hiring my own kato – like from the peter seller’s movies – to slap the doritos out of my hand…i’m not kidding. lol. xoxo, sm

  4. Yeah. I’m with you – the weeks around the wedding were not good for me food wise. I am now not allowed to have the huge cheese party I wanted to have after the wedding because I no longer feel I deserve it. I have to do more exercise and work a bit harder before that happens.

    1. i am so trying to get in line with all this. my food was much better yesterday, but i MUST get the workouts in. i think that’s going to make all the difference for me. i hear you 100% it is an uphill battle! xo, sm

      1. I agree with you – it is definitely in the workout department that I am slacking. I don’t eat a lot and my diet isn’t terribly unhealthy, I just hate working out! 🙂

  5. Wow . . . congrats to your mom, Sweet! I’ve read several articles recently that indicated people have been able to go off insulin by managing their weight and diet, but your mom’s the first “real” (not part of a controlled study) person I know who’s done it. That’s amazing.

    If you need exercise, make friends with someone who has toddlers. Offer to babysit or take them to park (the kids, that is) a couple of times a week. Believe me when I tell you there is no better cardio workout — plus, you’ll get practice for any future offspring and MUCH blog fodder 🙂 Cheers! Kelly

    1. i am so going to arrange a ‘kids date’ with family friends or a local big brother/ big sister charity for a myriad of reasons, so that is a great idea. my mom is a total inspiration in this regard. i think she thought she almost lost her life there and that scared her healthy. i swear to you, i think that’s what happened. it is truly amazing what she has done and it makes me go — ‘i’m half her age, i have to do it’. that’s important. it’s never too old to make a change, i now believe…thanks for reading it, sweetie. i really appreciate it. xo, sm

  6. Halfway through this blog I walked to the pantry and got a box of Oreos. I didn’t eat them but holding them helped center me so I could finish. I don’t mean to poke fun but that was some funny stuff. Kudos to your mom and good luck!

    1. loooolll. yeah, my mom REALLY did that. i thought it was amusing too. i believe she had absolutely zero awareness of doing so, but it spoke volumes to me and hit my comedy chord. lol. anyway, off to grab a box of sugary cereal, i mean workout…lol. xo, sm

  7. Okay, a couple of things. First, Happy House Warming. Moving is a B with a capital F. Done it a billion times and probably with do it at least, idk, some more, whatever. Second, I related to this post on many levels. Loving your blog more and more with each post! oh, and an aside, I see the follow-up comment notifier boxes are longer auto checked. : ) my email may recover after all.

    1. honie, i’m STILL accidentally checking those boxes on other people’s blogs. so, you are so not alone on that. it is annoying with a capital A. and thank you for the sweet comment on this post. i think it’s truly amazing what mom has done and now i know, i must do it for meself. much love, sm

  8. If you went all Bridget Jones on us, if all the posts were this funny, I’m sure we’d be ok with it.

    I’ve been so proud of your mom, just from what your brother has shared. She’s an amazing person and we’d all like to have her around as long as possible, telling her dirty jokes!

    I lost 5 pounds a few months back and have kept it off. Walking San Francisco’s crazy hills + counting calories did it. I did keep at least 1 drink’s worth of calories in reserve each day. Stuck with wine and (for me) gin+soda. Cut juice & sugary soda before booze. Juice is pretty evil.

    Time to do it again, actually.

    1. i’m SO working on this. it is time. must do it. not waiting around for anything anymore. so far so good, but it’s only been a day or so! loool. the main thing i have to do is get the workouts back on. that’s going to be huge and i just do NOT feel like doing it, so time will tell. xo, sm

  9. Recently the Man has decided all those years of eating and drinking whatever came his way had to stop and has actually started to look after himself. He is in his mid 40’s and it has been a real change for him. He has done amazingly well when, I hate to say it, I was convinced it wouldn’t last a week.
    I’m impressed that your mom managed to do it with a house full of the bad stuff, that would make it unbelieveably hard.
    Good on you for making a change! You can do it, just stick a photo of a fat baby and it’s equally fat mother both wearing matching outfits on your fridge. That might help to keep the motivation levels high!

    1. oh my god, the fat mom / fat baby matching outfits is priceless! what a horror show! i have my old marathon pic on the door for inspiration. i will get there, i’m doing this. period. xoxo, sm

  10. I’ve been working on some weight loss of my own. So far I’ve figured out that just watching people exercise doesn’t have an osmosis-like effect, that pizza isn’t nearly as good for you as it looks, and that blogging doesn’t count as exercise. Just FYI, so you don’t have to make those mistakes, too.

    1. ohhhhhhhh, i’ve made all of those mistakes and more! lol. in fact, i like to watch weight loss shows while snacking on something unhealthy, it’s one of my favorite pasttimes. it’s like my feck you to the world, but the only thing that ends up fecked would be my dress size. ay yay yay. i’ll get there. i will, damn it. xoxo, sm

  11. Maggie O told me that 7kgs = 15 pounds today. That was a little disturbing so I’m joining you Mum. As soon as the last chocolate biscuit has disappeared from the pantry I am /not/ buying any more. Hate you both 😦 No I don’t, I’m lying!
    Meeks [aka acflory]

    p.s. sorry, I’m changing my name coz ‘AK’ sounds like something you’d say when you step in doggie doo….

    1. Another thing I loved about this post (that Meeks probably did too) is that sweet mother is calling her new place ‘the lodge’.

      Sweet mother may not know this but here in Oz the leader of our country is a woman and the name of her official residence is The Lodge. She has no husband or babies but she does have her own live-in male hairdresser…

      1. Hiya Metan 🙂 Fancy meeting you here! I was thinking about that eerie connection, especially as Mum has already been nominated for President but then I thought ‘Wait! Do I really want SM to dye her hair red and speak through her nose?’

      2. ok, seriously, since you two have been commenting on this, i’ve had dreams about this aussie broad. i am SO going to look her up. i must see pics is what i mean. are there pix of the lodge online too? there must be. i will research. i think i love her already. lol. xoxo, sm

      3. Oh god… please don’t judge us on what you find out about Jules. I have never met Meeks in the flesh but I think it is safe to say neither of us sound ANYTHING like Julia’s fishwife drawl.
        There was a comedy show called At Home With Julia where they poked fun at everything about her and the neighbourhood kids tormented her boyfriend. It will give you an idea of how much respect we Aussies have for our pollies…

    2. meeks, i’m sooooo with you. it’s going to STOP. i’ve done okay with food so far, since writing this post, but it’s only been a day or so. now the big challenge is getting the workouts in. but, i am determined! totally. xoxo, sm

      1. -cheers- if it helps I’ve done weeding three days in a row. I now walk around permanently bent from the waist but I /think/ that waist is a nanometre smaller!

  12. Dear Gaysian baby, I’m sorry I laughed at you. I truly hope that you don’t have a heart attack before you’re 8. Put down that chocolate. Sincerely, Lauren Ann

    1. bbbwwwwaaahhha, loved it, la la. i also LOVED your piece on the ‘douche bag at the bar’. didn’t get a chance to comment, but read it and loved it. PLEASE tell me that didn’t really happen?! much love, sm

      1. Poor gaysian. Unfortunately, it happened. I talk big in that one, but the post after that involves me finding a “male order husband.” Jokingly…for the most part.

      2. i could NOT believe that level of douche-dom. i would’ve punched him square in the jaw for you. seriously. what a loser. sorry it happened to you, but so glad you are who you are and that you could expose it. i haven’t read the male order one yet, but i will….i suppose i should be leaving these comments on your blog….lol. xo, sm

      3. would it be wrong to call it the p*ssy posse? i have a friend and when her and i get together, we have a male friend who calls us the “p*ssy crystals” because he believes we set the world on fire….loooolll. i’m not even kidding. he made that up, we didn’t. and he’s a straight man. outrageous! oh, baltimore, why you filled with men being douchey. if i’m ever there, i’ll take a few down for you. xo, sm

  13. It is hard, especially if you are genetically predisposed. Women especially like to store for the future (on our hips and other places).

    I feel you. I have fought this issue for 20 years. Diet.com has great tools and recipes. Best advice? Start slow and work your way up, don’t try to set the world on fire!

    1. i hear you, val, i am SO starting slow. i’ve learned for me, that i must take a day off. so, it’s going to be 6 days on the healthy eating and one day off. if i don’t do that, i’ll lose my mind and no one wants that. lol. anyway, it’s a total struggle and i for sure have the genes for it too. xoxo, sm

      1. Someday I will tell you why my breasts and my but enter and leave the room before the rest of me, waving hello and good-bye. As if I needed introductions!

        Days off our great, shockingly if you teach yourself what is good for your body even your days off will begin to be better for you. Good luck!

  14. I’m not ashamed to admit I had a Doritos Taco Supreme from Taco Bell the other day. I had to try it. The commercials and my love for Doritos were too overwhelming. However, I ate it on one condition. I had to proceed immediately to the gym and do 35 minutes on the eliptical.
    The point is, you can indulge some but you have to indulge within reason. Plus for every action there must be an equal and opposite reaction. If you indulge in a taco (Mexican is my favorite) you have to workout and get a good sweat in.

    1. you see, i do that part – the eating part, without the equally compensative part…is compensative a word? probably not. anyway, you know what i mean. the food has been pretty on for the last couple of days, today i start the workouts and i must start them. xoxox, sm

  15. The entire American population will soon look like sumo wrestlers. Babies will be diabetic and have high blood pressure. School gyms will be converted into Golden Corrals. Then everyone will keel over and nobody will be able to get up and rats will come and eat us. I’m working on the screenplay.

    1. oh. dear. god. i could co-write that with you because doomsday death by doritos is surely coming to the americopolous. of this i am sure. lol. i heart you, boomer. much love, mother

  16. look at those heavy weight babies..
    Sweet Mom thankyou for sharing the story of your mum…
    im sort of little and i dont gain weight that easily..but my eternal love for junk food makes me guilty all the time…
    so last week i told my friends “im not eating junk before weekend” we had a bet of 100 bucks…on friday evening i broke the pledge with 2 scoops of chocolate icecream from Baskin n Robins… 😉

    a Brazilian intern in my team showed some exercise and i did it religiously and now everything hurts..true story..

    am sure you will succeed in your “FAT GAYBY NO” mission ..maybe reading about it might inspire me to quit junk… 🙂

    1. you know i picture you as a wee thing, lil miss. maybe because you have ‘lil’ in your name. loool. anyway, i’m on the right track, must keep chugging along though. much love, mother

  17. I think I just a saw the Michelin Man as played by an Asian baby… Good on your mom and good on you for taking that first step. Do something fun and it won’t feel like “working out”. Who wants to work?

    1. i’m so with you. i don’t even have a gym membership on purpose. i have a bike and the will to get outside…that’s what i’m going to use. xo, sm

  18. Thank you for sharing your mother’s story. It really gives hope. It is so positive. Sometimes I think I must exercise or diet then I tell myself, at my age (44) i will never manage to lose weight!

    1. i know, i’m very quickly inching out of my 30’s and i keep going, ‘that’s it, you can’t take it off now, you’re too old’. and then i think of my mom and how she did that sh*t at 69 years of age. she’ll be 100 lbs thinner by her 70th birthday, completely amazing. it can be done. xoxo, sm

  19. Speaking as a mum who needs to shift a bit of weight that final picture TERRIFIED me! My daughter is no where near overweight but just the thought of her getting to that size at that age is just…..there are no words!!

    1. no words, indeed. kids will take on whatever we do, i think. but, it is hard enough to get one’s self in shape…however, a worthwhile one. i am promising myself to workout today in some capacity! promising!

      1. I’m starting on Circular Strength Training next week so hopefully that will help, as well as pilates, yoga, starting to cycle to work and hopefully some of the Les Mills classes as well. In addition to my Tai Chi teaching and running around in the kids classes if that doesn’t shift some chub there’s no hope for me!!!!!

        As for Beth, we’re very careful not to eat rubbish in front of her so hopefully she won’t pick up that habit….of course if her intelligence progresses as it is right now it’s not very long before we won’t be able to get away with that either!!! Good luck on the exercise GO MOTHER GO!!

  20. Are these margaritas extra strong? Oh, my. Made me snort out loud. So glad no one is home at the moment. Kind of reminds me of my sis-in-law and me when we are at the annual deck party and we decide to experiment with colors, flavors and liquors. Falling off my shoes, yep, done that.

    Good for your mom. As to the weight loss challenge, I have no words. My weight is tied to the universe. I know this because whenever a super model eats more than a radish, I gain two pounds. This is science, I swear.

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