I Am a Gay Shaman

I’ve been reading this interview with this PhD fellow from West Africa named Malidoma.  He is an “elder” and a member of the Dagara tribe in Burkina Faso.  He also has a fascinating view on gay people.  He believes that the gay people in his tribe are “the gatekeepers.”  They are the witches and the shamans and they hold the keys to other worlds.  As Malidoma puts it and I’m paraphrasing, “gay people are well integrated into our tribe.  They have children because the are fertile, but they are gay and they vibrate as such.”  (I didn’t know about my gay vibration, but perhaps this is the origin of “gaydar”?)  The vibration is otherworldly and makes them (the gays) the perfect conduit to the other worlds.  In a nutshell, that’s what he says – Gay people are magical.


I knew it, we’re magical. And this is hands down the gayest unicorn I have ever seen.


Now, Malidoma goes on to say other interesting things.  For example, he talks about a once a year ritual where the “shamans go off into the woods and do whatever they do.”  Apparently, when this ritual occurs if a non-shaman interrupts it, the shamans have the right to kill them.  (And you thought it was simply awkward when your straight-ass accidentally walked into a gay bar.  Nope, try being killed for it.)


So, the gay shamans go off into the woods and listen to Lady Gaga while they try to heal the tribe.  (Sorry, my interpretation.)  They pray and do gay things like bedazzling a sweat suit and sex, sex, sex, while praying some more.  And you thought the rambles in Central Park was a shady affair, sorry my breeder-friends, it’s more like a CHURCH!


I have to tell you, I love this idea.  And it’s not the first time I’ve heard it.  There’s an argument that circulates, which uses the gay shaman angle as its thesis.  The idea is this:  if natural selection and procreation are the number one instinctive drives of man than anything that does not aid in procreation and the furthering of the species will phase itself out.  In other words, if Darwin was correct – gay should’ve gone away by now.  Gays do NOT naturally procreate with the same sex, so why hasn’t the gay gene – (or gay as a sexuality) – why has it not been selected right out of the pool?


The shaman argument says that while the testosterone filled males went out to hunt, the gay shamans stayed back and protected the village.  In other words, the hunter who went out to get the meat then came back to hear the story about how his entire family was almost killed by a mountain lion, until the gay shaman stepped in and stopped it.   Well, the beefcake-hunter is less likely to kill that shaman.  After all, he saved the fam.  Instead, he just may exalt him.  You could say, a protective tendency and a tendency to feck the opposite sex anyway, is the reason the gay tribe has propagated itself.


Wanna come inside? Be nice to a gay…just sayin’.


I know deeply in my soul that I am a gay shaman.  I know it like I know Britney Spears is  stupid.  I’ve never actually spoken with her, but I can feel her stupid vibration.  Here is further evidence to prove my shaman-hood, do with this info what you will:


  • I like to diagnose things.  I know that sometimes when you have a stroke, you smell burnt toast first.  So, I like to google things like, “I always smell pee” to find out if I’m having some other kind of brain infarction.  If you live in my village, I’m liable to do the same for you.  Chances are I can smell your arthritis before you even feel a stiff joint.  Think of the preventative possibilities.  We can medicate your menopause before it even begins, I think.
  • If I saw two gay guys fecking in the woods, I would throw a large quantity of condoms at them (because I want to protect my gays) and then I would send in a few nicely folded airplanes made out of paper advertising the no-tell-motel down the road because there’s no reason to do this shit in the woods anymore.  Who are we Oscar Wilde-ians?  Wilde-ians, indeed.  I say, pants up, rent a room, thank you very much.
  • I would protect your kids.  If there was a mountain lion and I was left to look after the village, I’d protect your kids.  I would do this, even if your kid is an a**hole.  Only a caring, gay, shaman is NOT capable of feeding an a**hole kid to a mountain lion.  So, you’re lucky this gay was left in charge.
  • I like rain dances.  In fact, I love them.  I want to dance-chant around a fire like the Native Americans.  Actually, it’s more common to find me dancing around the lodge (my house) to The Weather Girls and It’s Raining Men.  I do this, even though if it were raining men, I’d throw all the dudes back up at the Gods for one Wifesy.
  • I am a gatekeeper to another world.  In this alternative world, Kim Kardashian is not on TV, but instead a housewife in Tacoma struggling to pay the rent.  Bruce Jenner has his regular face back, as does Kenny Rogers.  Dolly Parton remains the same, but Pasty Cline never dies in that plane crash.  JFK Jr postpones his trip to Martha’s Vineyard to nurse his foot.  As a result, he stays alive and so does his wife and her sister.  In 2040, he runs for president against Macaulay Culkin and wins.  Lindsay Lohan gives up acting to become a full-time hit woman where she kills the most annoying among us.  She starts with her own father and finishes with everyone who has ever appeared on Basketball Wives.  Everyone in my alternative world has healthcare and a healthy family.  The only pain comes from a thorn bush set up between the edge of the village and the pool with the swim up bar.  You have to run through the thorn bush to get to the pool.  I do this so people will remember what pain feels because typically there’s none of it in my world.  Who wants an all-day-access pass?
  • I like magic, but hate conspiracies.  I can see right through bullshit, but love the pomp, flash, and circumstance of a good show.  I like the smoke and mirrors, but I’m always aware of the looking glass.  I have a potion for what ails you.  I call it Lubriderm and it does miracle-wonders for dry skin without leaving you greasy.
  • I have seen the good that Angelina Jolie can do.  (Haven’t we all.)


What more could you want?  I say, respect a decent gay today.  For they could be a gatekeeper.  After all, I’m the gatekeeper and if you’re good I’m likely to give you the key to the guest house in my other, beautiful, world.



Sweet Mother is updated daily.  If you like what you’re reading, click the “follow” button and join us.


You might also like:

Body by Sweet Mother

Reasons the Gays Should Be Allowed to Marry – in Pictures


Malidoma article

Photo creds:  gayuni, shaman, shaman ladies

66 thoughts on “I Am a Gay Shaman

  1. Love it, love it, love it, awesome, awesome, awesome! Your posts consistently brighten my day, O wise shaman. I aspire to someday write a post half as imaginative and thought-provoking as this one.

    1. um, amber…thank you for making my day with this awesome comment. i really appreciate it. it makes me smile to know you are reading and i am humbly grateful for your very kind words. THANK YOU. mother

  2. I smell pee a lot too, what did you find out? Oh wait, was that just poetic license and you didn’t really google it? I fear I have shared too much. Luckily, you are a shaman and all is safe with you.

    1. no, i have REALLY googled, ‘i smell pee’. now, it could be that i was living in new york at the time and you always smell pee there or it could be that i was having a mild stroke…lol. either way, i think you’re safe too. and you can never share too much here. you are safe. you are safe. lol. how are you finding the cyber world after your freshly pressed status? it’s like coming down from a coke binge, isn’t it? ;) sm

      1. yeah, reality sets in pretty cold and fast but it was fun. Crazily, it was the third time being FP but the first one was only a week or so after I started the blog and was really more of a shock than anything. I will say that the blog in general has been a very rewarding experience. I am enjoying all of the great content out there and your blog cracks me up. It is fun to (virtually) be around such creative people. My blog is the first thing that I have ever written that wasn’t due for school or in a greeting card and it has been a great creative outlet. See that, bearing my soul to the shaman. Somehow it just feels safe and natural.

      2. ha, ha, simon! i’m so with you on the blogging thing. it’s been the same for me, a very rewarding experience. and 3rd time!! holy bejesus. that’s awesome. there IS a cool and creative community here. it’s one of the best parts about it. and you can always bare your soul to the shaman. ;) sm

  3. I can definitely see you as a Shaman. And while you’re gatekeeping your alternative world, can you fix the face of Kenny Rogers in this one as well? It frightens me.

    1. it’s so frightening, isn’t it? the poor man. he was so good looking and then he turned his face into a frozen popsicle with eyes. i’ll never understand it…lol. xo

      1. Remember, in plastic surgery school someone graduates last in the class–but still graduates. Think about it! HF

  4. You rock words, for sure. If I am ever seriously in the market for a gay shaaman, you would be it (the use of the word “it” in no way diminshing any sexuality in any way uh uh). Gays and bisexuals have been designated as otherworldly, wise, deserving of great respect by some Native American tribes as well.

    1. it’s really interesting all that, isn’t it? above all – thank you, boomer, you are very kind and i am very grateful for your comment. i too love the shaman idea somehow. we should all endeavor to heal something in our own way, now, shouldn’t we? i am cyber-curtseying you as i type. so glad you are here. much love, mother

  5. Can’t Kim be my housekeeper, please? I don’t live in Tacoma, but I need a good housekeeper, I always treat my help and my pets well (she would clearly fall somewhere on this spectrum) and would promise never to appear on reality television so we would all be safe from her.

    I believe you, you are most certainly a Shaman.

    1. valentine, will you be mine? how many times a day do you hear that? anyway, i had to say it after you left this amazing comment. and yes, yes, and yes, if you can take kim k away from us all, you will be doing the world a great service. lol. and thank you for believing in my shaman-hood. it makes a girl feel grand. ;) momma

    1. stop trying to take all the good parts, you already have all the good bars. ;) actually, the term for female shamans is witches, from what i’ve researched. but, gay witch conjures up a whole other ‘wizard of oz’ type thing…and sometimes they DO call them female shamans, as the ladies in the featured pic are called. but, usually witches…and i have no question, that i would’ve been considered a witch at one point in history…so there you have it, it all comes full circle. lol.

  6. Abso-fecking-lutely brilliant again! You have such an amazing talent for writing. I keep coming back. I salute you Gay Shaman! ;-)

  7. Hmmm. Do you think it would work if I said to dad:

    “Look, you have to raise my monthly allowance because I’m this important person to my tribe, and if I’m not well off materially, the gay vibrations to the other world will be bad, and who knows what could happen? For the peace of mankind, you really should give me another £100 per month. Just saying.”

    I’d love that. I need to add to the wealth of the owners of Starbucks, after all. :)

  8. I always suspected you had magical powers. What I didn’t realize is that the gay unicorn you pictured was also magical. I knew I should have asked him to grant me a wish or protest my kitties from future urinary tract issues when I saw him sashaying around the gayborhood on Cinco de Mayo.

    Which brings up another issue I’d love to have you weigh in on. As a straight, married woman who is NOT a breeder and has no intention of becoming one, I am thrilled to have moved to a city with a large gay population. Gays are my people. I know that very few straight people can get away with saying that. There’s Liza, Kathy Griffin and me. Yet, on Cinco de Mayo, my hubby and I ventured into a fab gay club here in town to catch a drag show. We were both having an amazing time, but I was receiving some bitchy looks from a few queens behind me.

    As Backstreets’ Miss Fag Hag 1987 (I’m so not making this up), I came close to snapping at them, “Look sweeties, I’ve been a fag hag since before you were fucking born. I been supporting gay rights long before you were playing with non-gender appropriate toys on the playground. I counseled some of your parents, telling them that there was no need to send you to Get Straight camp…because you were exactly who you were supposed to be. And now you raise a snarky little waxed eyebrow at me. Oh, no she didn’t!”

    I’m also proud to be married to man who is so comfortable with his sexuality that over half of his friends are also gay men. Like me, he just couldn’t give a shit.

    But back to you and your lovely blog. My dear Sweet Mother, I don’t know how you keep doing it. You are just sooooooooo good. You can be my shaman any day. If you’re unable to cure what ails me, I’m fairly certain you’re able to make me laugh enough to forget it.

    “I know it like I know Britney Spears is stupid. I’ve never actually spoken with her, but I can feel her stupid vibration.” Bwwaaawwwwhaaahaaaaa! Fucking hysterical.

    I hope you don’t mind, but I think you may becoming – whether you know it or not – a Jedi Humor Blogging Master. And I am your humble Jedi Knight (but not your intern…I just don’t have the time.) xo CCL

    1. cristy, i heart you. hard. ok, first things first, they don’t call them ‘bitchy queens’ for nothing because some of them can be uber-bitches. i guarantee half the problem was you were there with your man. if you had been there yourself or with a gaggle of chicks, they might have reacted differently. however, i go places with my girl and when it’s all dudes, there’s going to be a bitch among the gaggle of fab gays. it always happens. unfortunately, the a-hole gene does NOT discriminate. there are black a-holes, white a-holes, gay a-holes, lady a-holes, child a-holes – you name it, the a-hole comes in every shape and size. lol. anyway, i’m sorry that happened to you. i would’ve given someone a beatdown. anyway, thank you for the super-kind words. i need them, as i struggle every feckin’ day with what to write, as i know you do. much love, sm

  9. I want to go to your world. It sounds like a beautiful, wonderful place. Would Heidi Klum stop wearing see-through shower curtains as dresses, or would bad fashion still be around for everyone to laugh at?

    1. some bad fashion, but in a good way. and it wouldn’t happen every time to the same people…you know, a clown suit for laughs and prada the rest of the time…lool. xo, sm

  10. That unicorn is so overwhelming.

    I could help out with paper planes and condoms–it’s one of the tasks of the p*ssy posse, you know.

    Also, have you ever seen the “It’s Raining Men” music video? It’s fabulous.

    1. i’m not sure if i have, but i WILL youtube it today. and yes, p*ssy posse, UNITE! LOOLLLL. we will probably have a lot of ‘tasks’ unfortunately. so much work to do. we’ll have to make sure to squeeze in time for margaritas. xoxo

  11. “In this alternative world, Kim Kardashian is not on TV, but instead a housewife in Tacoma struggling to pay the rent. Bruce Jenner has his regular face back, as does Kenny Rogers. Dolly Parton remains the same, but Pasty Cline never dies in that plane crash.” Where do I sign! I want this world. Can I have all the dogs of mine that have died? I would also like Mark Twain to shoot the shit with. And, Vienna Saugages. In a gay world, there should be little weenies in a can, right? HF

    1. yeeeeesss, always little weenies in a gay world. although gay men might defy that and ask for ‘bigger’ ones. lol. anyway, i heart you, harper. thanks for reading. xo, sm

    1. lol. i hear you. she has done some good for the women who choose to oddly display their legs out the side slits of their dresses…of that, there can be no doubt! lol. xo, mags, xo – sm

  12. Holy shaman, it’s like you peered into my soul and invented the most perfect non-Kardashian, non-duck face, non-macaulay-culkin-run utopia. Please tell me how I can apply for an all-day pass.

    1. oh, you’ll be first on the list, 7. i just have to open this portal a touch more. right now it’s only a sliver…but, soon, soon, i should have it done. after i call the electrician that is. not for the portal, but to hang a light in my house. ;) sm

  13. I’m into biology and I think the gay gene must have some very important role to play in the survival of the species – all species in fact. I don’t know exactly what that role is – maybe you do have magical powers – but I do know ‘bi’ behaviour is a natural part of many species other than homo sapiens so walk tall, your species needs you.

    1. it really DOES exist in all facets of the animal kingdom, now, doesn’t it? just why are humans so far behind? ay yay yay. i like to think i’m magical though. now if i could just teleport this furniture around, i’d be all set…i heart you, meeka, heart you! (see, i listen…) xo, sm

      1. Just sent you a genie to help with the furniture. Sorry I could only get a bearded one at such short notice ;)
        Heart back!

      1. Me too…but he needs to be living and breathing….my personal houseboy…and I don’t care if he’s gay….I’ll pay him…hehehe…someone stop me :-P

  14. Hey, guess what? You’ve been nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award, that’s what! Congrats, and here are the rules (in case you don’t already know)
    1. Thank the person who nominated you (me)
    2. Share seven things about yourself
    3. Nominate seven people you think are deserving (i.e. versatile)
    4. Contact those people to let them know
    And when ready, announce this on your site and be sure to post the picture from the VBA site:

    1. thank you, urban. i’m REALLY and sincerely grateful for such an award. however, i’m totally backlogged on them, but i’m going to do something about that this week and i will answer your questions. so, thank you, thank you, thank you. i am forever grateful. much love, sm

  15. I did not know that my continual smelling of pee is the result of a brain infarction, but thanks for that.

    Yep, the unicorn is gayer than gay. I love that the gays in his tribe vibrate. I’ve always been so jealous of people who can vibrate without really trying. It’s an enviable trait.

    But please don’t throw paper airplanes at the gays fornicating in the forest. It might cause a rift in the time/space continuum, and I hate it when that happens.

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