rainbowfanny

Shove It Under the Rug If You Like Love

 

Relationships and marriage – they can be tough.  No matter how perfect you and your partner are for each other making a long term thing work, well, it’s just that – WORK.  Now, I love my Wifesy.  Wholeheartedly.  Everyday I’m happy that she exists and that I get to wake up next to her.  But, even as perfect as I find my little lady, she has other things that drive me nuts.  To me, you know you have found THE ONE when you are willing to take those nutty things and shove ‘em right under the rug.  There will always be things that don’t match up correctly, but if you can make light of them, laugh about them, you’re on a path to make one another better and to truly become a more whole person through your relationship.  That’s what I was always searching for.  That’s what I’ve found in Wifesy.  However, the stuff that drives you nuts should be examined if for nothing else than as fodder for my blog.  (he, he)

 

So, here’s what makes me nuts-balls about Wifesy:

 

1.  She thinks I’m her pack mule.
Wifesy refuses to carry things – EVER.  The other day I said to her, “Are you trying out for some kind of life-survival show?  Do you think you’re going to have to instantaneously outrun a leopard?  Is that why you refuse to carry anything in your hands?”

 

This is Wifesy’s wallet:

 

 

It’s a man-wallet that I bought for her because Wifesy must have the thinnest wallet known to mankind, so she can slip it in a pocket when she carries it at all.  She only does this when I am not with her.  When I am with her, she hands it to me – along with her phone, and her keys, and whatever else she might want to bring.  Basically, she hands me what should be the contents of her purse, as she thinks of me as one, giant, purse.

 

It doesn’t matter, I still love her.  So, I carry it.  But, oh, how I complain.  I revel in giving her shit about it.

 

2.  If you last wore it in the 70’s, it should be thrown out.

 

 

Wifesy has a clown shirt.  Wifesy is not in the circus.

 

 

This is a very close replica of the shirt she has, only exchange the circles for stripes.  I don’t understand this shirt.  I don’t understand what it goes with.  The shirt confuses me and almost drives me to anger.  In our almost five year relationship, I’ve never seen Wifesy wear it even once, but she refuses to part with it.  It sits in the closet, where I belittle it, constantly.

 

3.  Baby’s first computer
Wifesy deals with computer problems by stabbing at the keyboard violently and yelling at the screen.  I have to let her go through this.  She stabs and screams and wails and complains.  Once she goes through her “process” she hands over the laptop to me with a tear in her eye.  I usually fix the issue in about 5 seconds.  After the problem is solved, there is almost a full minute of silence where, I’m assuming, Wifesy contemplates why she got so upset.  She takes the laptop on her merry way and we never speak of it.  Days later, the process repeats itself.  I’ve taken to saying, “What’s the matter?  Is this baby’s first computer?” like a total d*ck whenever she has a problem and is throwing an electronics-centered tantrum.  In all honesty, I’m not even sure I would change this quality about her.  It just amuses me too much.

 

The Things About Sweet Mother that Drive Wifesy Banana-Crackers:

 

1.  I own a fanny pack.
(First, some international clarification:  In the US, the fanny is in the back.  Across the pond, it is in the front.  I don’t know what happened when the pioneers traveled over in regards to this word.  My guess is some young pioneer woman had her skirt on backwards and a young pilgrim man tried to enter the front door, but instead got the back.  This is how language evolves.  Or at least, I wish it were.)  Now, wait a minute, wait a minute before you insert lesbian joke here, it’s a cool fanny pack.  It is for hiking and biking.  It is not where I carry my essentials like a lesbo-subsitute purse.  I have actual purses and bags for that sort of thing.  It is what I use for hikes and treks.  It’s cool.  It looks like this:

 

It does not look like this:

 

Wifesy can not tell the difference.  She has fanny pack blindness.  They all look the same to her and she feels that they should never be worn under any circumstances.  Period.  I still wear it when we go hiking because that’s what we do to one another.  I also, usually, have to carry her wallet within my fanny pack.  So, it’s a lose – lose situation.

 

2.  I have a “mom shirt” or two.
Wifesy has a female cousin with mental problems or maybe emotional problems, I’m not sure which.  All I know is that she’s an overweight girl, who is incredibly shy, in her 40’s, still lives with her mom, and the exact opposite of me.  One day, she came to a family party of Wifesy’s wearing a shirt that was similar to one of the shirts I own.  Wifesy said, very loudly, “LOOK, HUN, KATRINA HAS YOUR SHIRT.  DO YOU SEE THAT SWEETIE, KATRINA, HAS THE SAME SHIRT AS YOU.  ISN’T THAT REMARKABLE, THAT SHE’S WEARING YOUR EXACT SAME SHIRT??!!!”  The subtext was, “Sweet Mother, do you want to be a sad cat lady living alone in a garage out the back of your own mother’s house?  Yes?  Then, by all means, continue wearing that ugly, mom, shirt you have.”

 

I may have a couple of those shirts, but I swear NOT the jeans.

 

I still have the shirt, I still wear it.  It’s my way of making sure Wifesy’s love is unconditional.  Thankfully, it is.

 

3.  I don’t always want to split a coffee or share a meal and sometimes I leave the clean laundry inside-out.  These things make Wifesy nutso.  Now, we often share a meal at a restaurant, but if I’m starving, I sometimes want my own and OFTEN I will NOT share my feckin’ coffee.  Coffee, for me, is often the only reason I am approachable at all, some mornings.  So, let me have a vat of it and let me be.  Wifesy does, but not before she comments that I’m a nutball and why don’t I like sharing??!!  I think Wifesy feels this way because Wifesy is an only child.  She’s never understood the idea of fighting off an onslaught of siblings and cousins so you can be alone with your feckin’ ring ding.  My brother has lifelong bruises to prove that sometimes I just need to be left alone with my sh*t.  In this case, I should be left alone with my morning coffee that is if anyone wants to make it to the afternoon.

 

And lastly, I know God is in the details.  However, sometimes I still hang up my laundry in the closet even though it is inside-out.  Why?  Because I don’t give a rat’s poo.  It’s not on the floor, it’s put away, this is my way of saying, “No, indeed, I am NOT OCD.”  Wifesy, on the other hand, may be.

 

I don’t care.  I’ve got a big rug.  (Yes, I just said that.)  I have plenty of room to shove Wifesy’s amusing neuroses right under it.  After all, she tolerates mine.

 

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Photo creds:  rainbowfanny, hikingfanny, man-wallet, ugly-shirt, snlmomjeans

50 thoughts on “Shove It Under the Rug If You Like Love

  1. I’m not in my normal stupid mood today given the asshats here in NC that voted for the anti-gay marriage amendment. (My blog post later this evening will have something to do with that).

    Nice fanny pack though.

  2. I actually owned one of those fanny packs. It wasn’t rainbow, but it was all sorts of awful. I suppose that’s one of the things my hubby sweeps under the rug. He’s lucky I stay with him considering how bad he snores. Give and take. :)

      1. That was NOT a fanny pack. That is a hiking pack rather than a backpack or rucksack. For when you don’t need as much stuff. I vote in favor or it.

  3. My purse also serves as storage for two and I leave laundry inside too. As far as I know, this does not bother hubsy. Super big points to wifesy for your writing this list not being on her list of things that drive her banana-crackers. If I created a similar list, I don’t think it would go over so well ;)

    1. loool, i think wifesy likes it when i talk about her. she’s very lenient in that way. however, once i put a picture of her in a show. i will NEVER do that again, i didn’t like people gawking at my other half or whatever they were doing. so, you experiment and you learn how to protect. it’s also why i never use her real name in her… and i would never do a reality show with her. i like to keep some of our stuff, you know, for us. xoxo, sm

      1. it was more that it made me feel ‘icky’ – you know what i mean? i don’t know how people do reality shows that involve their relationships, some things should be protected, literally.

      2. I don’t know how most people do reality shows, period. And I do know what you mean. Modern technology has really pushed the boundaries on sharing personal information – people tweet the birth of their child and post pictures of their friends drunk out of their minds. Even on my personal Facebook page, pretty much the only pictures I post of myself are of performances and a few from the wedding.

  4. Yesterday night was an incredibly ad night for the state of North Carolina, so today I am a bit depressed. This post, however, has made things better. Especially the computer part. Because that is SO my wifesy’s reaction…stab it till it works or falls apart, then hand it to me!

    Thanks for the giggle.

    1. i know, i was super disappointed in that. it’s why we MUST make our voices heard – in one way or another. i try to keep myself optomistic, but stuff like this – most definitely – makes it difficult. stay strong, my sistah, i feel your pain. much love, sm

  5. Just wait until you’ve been together 20 plus years like me and the hubby. Then it’s really suck it up and grit your teeth time. :) And I agree with the other commenters–fanny packs have no place in this world.

    1. come on! everyone lay off my fanny…PACK! lol. it’s useful and it leaves your hands free. for god’s sake, i don’t wear it to parades. i only wear it in the woods. lol. i bet, there’s more gritting, the longer the duration. ;) love you, rubes. sm

  6. I love it when two people come together like that. Like your fanny pack and Wifesy’s wallet.. she hates it and you hate it.. but it works out!
    I love to cook, but HATE to do the dishes… hubby hates to cook and doesn’t mind doing the dishes {because really? who actually LIKES doing the dishes?} So, it’s a happy compromise! ♥

  7. SUPER CUTE & SUPER FUNNY…awesome post…im still smiling

    ““LOOK, HUN, KATRINA HAS YOUR SHIRT. DO YOU SEE THAT SWEETIE, KATRINA, HAS THE SAME SHIRT AS YOU. ISN’T THAT REMARKABLE, THAT SHE’S WEARING YOUR EXACT SAME SHIRT??!!!”” this one made me laugh out loud…

    Sweet Mom you just made me smile after along tiring and weird day…thankyou so much… :) :)

  8. I just love this blog! SM our relationships are so similar! I love it! Thanks for reminding me daily about the live of my life!

  9. Such a lovely tribute :)

    Phil has too many qualities that drive me nuts so that sharing them would spam your post on the other hand I am practically perfect in every way so there’s really not a lot too share ;)

    Ah who am I kidding – you read my blog:

    Okay, I extremly OCD (I organise my bookshelves alphabetically according to genre size and colour – hard to explain but it does work – and I go nuts if one book is out of order – and that’s the part of the appartement I don’t care that much about ;) ), I’m extremly whiney and fussy when I get tired and I think I ask people around me alot of I look fatter today then I did yesterday (which is actually a trick question, because just saying no means you think I looked fat yesterday).

    I don’t know I could go on and on, but that would really spam your blog.

    Phils list is shorter – he does the typical “man-stuff” (toothpaste in the sink etc).

    We’ve been together for about 6 – 7 years now and 5 of those years were spent in a tiny 1 bedroom appartement.

    I think the fact that I’m alive is enough proof of how much this man loves me ;)

  10. I’ve heard the fanny pack referred to (by homophobes and those not politically correct) as fag bags. I wouldn’t wear one, but I wouldn’t blame you for wearing one if I were giving you all my shit to hold for me.
    I’m surprised Wifesy doesn’t complain about the big rug…I would. :-P

  11. How does something so damn useful get such a bad reputation? I used to wear one FOR HIKING, but now? Yikes. There are times you don’t need a backpack, but who wants to carry a purse on a hike?!

    Yep, when the things that drive you crazy don’t drive you away, you know you’ve found a great match. :)

  12. LOL .. loved this. I always say, you know it’s love if you look at that person and can honestly say if not one thing about you changed, I’d still want you.

    Much love, momma … GC

  13. You think a thin wallet and making you carry things is bad? How about living with someone who likes to pay for things with coins? Yes, coins. He makes little coin bundles so when we’re at the supermarket everyone has to wait as he takes them out and then everyone has to wait more as the cashier counts them.
    We no longer go to the supermarket together.

  14. It’s a good thing people fall in love with each other. Otherwise, we’d all be living in separate little spaces with a lot of fanny packs and clown shirts and we would never know how strange we were.

  15. I’m a slob. Dear Wife tidies up behind me…which over the years has caused me to feel guilty about it and be a bit neater than I ordinarily would. She has never once complained about it. That make be feel even more guilty.

    Dear Wife picks at her nails. Pick pick pick pick pick…it drives me to distraction! I bought her all sorts of lovely nail trimming devices which she never uses but will instead perform minor surgery on her poor fingers with a pocket knife. *sigh*

    I’m half deaf, Dear Wife mumbles. This causes all manner of frustration and hilarity. I’ve taken to repeating the garbled message back to her when it doesn’t make sense. Like tonight I heard “I need lemon curd for my phone” I know there is no way that can be what she said but I’m planning on going and buying a jar of lemon curd for her anyway.

  16. I do the same thing to my boyfriend when we go someplace! I always load him down with my crap! But there are times that I just DON’T want to carry a purse! If I never went anywhere alone I’d probably never carry a purse! It just makes my life simpler – I mean pocket’s on a guy’s clothes are always so much bigger than mine so why not embrace it?

    I love the rug idea haha! SO TRUE!

  17. Oh, mother, I’ve missed you.

    I also love the fact that my husband’s wallet is four times bigger than your wifesey’s wallet. Corey’s wallet looks like he’s trying to carry a purse in his back pocket. I’ve offered to get him a man-bag, a messenger bag, even offered to make it Kenneth Cole, the name to which he salivates when thinking leather goods, but no dice. It’s a wallet, at least two inches in girth, making his right buttocks cheek sag from the weight. Good thing it’s a pretty cute cheek.

  18. This was nice to read especially since I just yelled at Mr. Speaker7 about something inconsequential. Thank you for diffusing my asshattery.

  19. My (super large) backpack is still on the floor of our bedroom, totally unpacked mind you, and I’ve taken to throwing my worn clothes on top of it. Todd-babe doesn’t say anything. And I love him for it.

    He’ll no doubt mock me next week though when I need to pack the backpack full again and it’s never been put away for over a month.

    And friends have learned not to sit between me and your brother at meals. When the person in the middle has sat back, full, saying “Anyone want a few bites, I’m done” he and I go into attack mode. The person in the middle becomes collateral damage.

  20. I carry the wallet of the man of the house all the time. I tell him that when I have it the contents belong to me, to be spent as I see fit.

    Judging by the size of that bum bag (fanny pack, *snicker*) I think that you are really just in backpack denial….. ;)

  21. Many months ago I wrote something, short version “Dirty Secrets”, it was quietly addressed to my husband who on occasion makes me want to beat him till he bleeds. He hates that I include him on my blog, he is afraid I speak badly of him (I don’t very often) or that I make him look like a neanderthal (only a tad bit) or maybe just a little bit like the over the top machismo Caribbean male that he is.

    I always end these rants with, I love you. Mostly I do, every single day. I also have a big rug! When it gets to lumpy I just shove everything under the bed. We all, I have found, have our strange habits (mine is also coffee). The trick is learning to live comfortably with another’s and finding the greatness of how we fit into their space.

  22. My uncles have been together longer than my parents have. Did the world end when they got married? No, it just got better. They have the best marriage out of anyone I know. Yay for the gays. Period.

  23. I’ve been happily divorced for over ten years so while I enjoyed this post as always, I was scratching my head about whether to comment or not. After all I didn’t want to put a downer on the party…

    And then I remembered that I am not alone! My daughter still lives at home. Love her to bits but… we have a simply humungous rug that hides all of my socks that somehow end up in her cupboard, the dirty glasses she never brings down so I have to drink orange juice out of a mug and the sound of the washing machine and dryer going at 2am [right next to my room] because she’s forgotten to wash undies for the next day….

    Yes, love is truly a many splendoured thing :D

  24. “sometimes I just need to be left alone with my sh*t.” Oh this makes me happy. Hubsy to Be doesn’t get it, but I am hoping that it will sink in ;) Great blog Mother! :D xo

  25. Well, you and President Obama just solved the gay marriage issue this week. After reading your blog, I can say with all truth and honesty, you are as married as it gets! The points you made are “traditional” points of every marriage. My wife has a purse and still makes me stuff her “junk” in my pockets. And don’t get me started on the fanny pack debate! Give it five more years and you and wifey will start to look alike! It’s true! That’s what happens to married couples. All joy in laughing and sharing the world with the person we love. HF

  26. Sweet Mother, I love your blog so much! Where else on the internet can I find reading that makes me think, laugh, and get sentimental warm fuzzies at the same time? Thanks!

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