Yes, it’s the chicken or the egg debate all over again. I just read an NYT article (link below) that talks about whether or not facebook has made us all a pack of teeming narcissists. (I live in Los Angeles, so that is sort of expected with or without the facebook.) But, since today is facebook goes live day, or rather facebook goes public day, or better said Marc Zuckerberg gets feckin’ richer day – I thought it was time for an fb-centered post. Excuse my selfishness – I think. Wait, does that mean I think I own facebook? Hmm, anyway…
Have you checked-in with your habit yet this morning?
I’ve thrown together what I believe to be the MOST narcissistic facebook status updates one could ever write. Please enjoy and then re-post or like or share or re-print as a bumper sticker. (jk, jk, no, really.)
I ate spicy ramen last night and I think I saw one complete noodle strand in my poop.
I have an fb section for every aspect of my life: family, job, friends, and lovers. If you could please take a moment to “like” them all. If you don’t, I’ll have to get new ones.
My boyfriend is so hot he gave me herpes. I don’t care if I’m not smart. I have breasts like Pamela Anderson. Will you “like” my boobs, please? Hey, my dad just did.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says she can’t handle all this man-sandwich, not because I’m a d*ck.
This is a picture of my baby. This baby came through MY lady-oven, therefore it is better than your baby.
Today my savings account hit the 1 million dollar mark. Suck it, poor people.
You know who is a better presidential choice than either Romney or Obama…ME.
I know everything. If you debate that in my comments section, it means you’re an a-hole.
Everyone I have ever loved has left me because they say I’m “too needy.” Please tell me how I am not needy below this update.
I like to take pictures of myself alone and then tag all of my friends in them because they have the right to look at me at least once a day. I don’t want to deny them.
I am Donna Summer. What? I am. I am also Whitney Houston. After all, “I’m every woman. It’s all in me.”
RIP, dear lady, RIP.
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Photo creds: facebook-coke, fb-glasses via Miami Herald, Donna Summer
Sweet Mother 
These are not real. Tell me these are not real. Tell me that Sweet Mother!
ha, ha, ha….nooooo, i made them up based on REAL updates as i scrolled through this morning. not kidding. xoxo, sm
i suppose you could call it, ‘based on a true story.’ looollllllllllll
OK. I feel better. Although you never know with Facebook. Did you see that you were in my FABU meeting post yesterday?
nooooooooooooo. heading over now. xoxoxo, sm
This cannot be real Facebook people. I don’t do Facebook. Think I’ll stick around the blogging world. And just cause, I’m telling everyone (and already told Maggie BTW), I got freshly pressed, Sweet Mother, me!!! Do you believe that??? xxoo
i sssssooooo believe it! congrats, lady friend. i shall head to your post now. have your fingers cramped from answering people yet? i think that’s so awesome. 😉 xo, sm
Yes, it’s overwhelming but in a very good way. Thanks, SM. :).
Congrats on the FP 🙂
I think you’re channeling some of my friends here. Are you psychic? Or maybe you’ve hacked my personal Facebook feed? I didn’t know you cared so much. Awwww. ❤
loooooolllllllllll. taken and the twisted, of course, from my very own facebook feed. oh lawd, the world we live in. love you, kathy v. love you! momma
Those are epically disturbing. If they were meant to be humorous that would be one thing, but There really are an astonishing number of self-absorbed people out there. I’m not sure if FB creates narcissisim or if it just enables pre-existing narcissists. Maybe a little of both.
i know. they mean them for real. i of course mean them as fakesies. i think fb was driving me crazy this morning! loool. xo, sm
Of course, given my love of scatological humor, you had me at the first one…
my friend has a song called, ‘poop noodle’. i’m just saying. xo, sm
Ditto 😀
I was worried for a moment that those were “the best of” your status updates. Good thing I read the comments and found out you made them up or else I would have been worried a bit about the fact you post about a boyfriend and a girlfriend and that you thought you were a man-wich.
i ‘like’ myself, but not with any kind of internet button. and i don’t like myself enough to write that shit about myself. i just wanted to show off some morning cray-cray. and i was tired, so very tired. lol. xo, sm
I’ve pretty much given up Facebook and have gone back to playing my ueklele instead.
there will come a day where we will cancel all of our fbs like we did our myspaces… i believe it will happen. fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it.
Want to read one of the WORST Facebook updates of all time?! This person is no longer my friend… so I’ll be paraphrasing. Trust me, if I could copy paste it I would…
“My husband is an ungrateful piece of sh*t. He never likes anything I cook, from now on he can eat McDonald’s and get fat.. then I could leave him for being fat and lazy.”
…
Please tell me people don’t actually tag other people in pictures where they’re alone! Oh. I’m so sad.
I started reading this but halfway through I decided to stop and go read Maggie’s blog a few more times because I like blogs that mention me in them. BTW, what is narcissism?
SM you are great and sadly, your status updates read like a list of names of people I am “friends” with on Facebook. You rock.
-giggles- hi Simon! Is there an FB equivalent to being FP’d?
there really should be, acflory
lol – call me Meeks – acflory sounds like gender bending tooth floss 😀
Hahaha, Meeks it is.
Given that I have only 33 FB friends, I’m fortunate that I don’t see updates like this. But I’ve got no doubt you nailed it!
I’m also glad that as of earlier this afternoon, at least, all of the IPO gains on FB had disappeared, leaving the share price back near the opening. Zuck may not make as many billions today as he’d hoped. 🙂
I hope you’re going to use these fake fb posts for real because, Sweet Mother, you are a NATURAL for this. You’ll get like a gazillion likes and a mazillion friends and like wow, how awesome would that be…
You could probably even run an online course and sell a natty e-book to help other people get more likes and be more amazingly popular with this sort of talent.
Huzzah – instant billionaire!!!!
Just so you know. I copied all of these and pasted them into my status update.
My favorite status updates are the cryptic ones like “Thanks for nothing a-hole” and “Now I know what disappointment really is” and “Oh, well I guess that just happened.”
These are real, and I will spend all night, all night…not thinking about them.
The facebook snorter picture… It’s the cleverest thing I’ve seen today. Did you make it? Love your list, but thank god you made them up! How come I got the idea you live in England? … Must be the decently ironed thing.
hello there, anette, i am a new yorker by birth, but lived in scotland for the past two years with Wifesy (which is why you are thinking england, altho don’t tell the scottish that…lol.). We now live in sunny california. i guess you could say we like to travel…;) sm
Thank you sm, now it all makes sense. One must tread on soft paws when talking about regional England… it is almost as complicated as talking about colours. I like to travel too. I live on Floating Castle in the West Indies 🙂 Have a sunny Sunday.
Dear Sweet Mother,
How did you find that photo of me snorting, erm, Facebook powdered sugar? I must insist that you remove it immediately.
And then please visit my Facebook page and like all the photos I’ve taken of myself. And of myself with others. And of others who like me because I’m extremely popular. And of my “artsy” photos which demonstrate how deep I am. And also like the uber cool and virtually unknown bands that I like which demonstrate how much further ahead on the music curve I am than everyone else. And like all the very literary books that I’ve supposedly read and the clever, but ironic quotes that I used to define me and the life I live. Then like the tv shows that I like that identify me as being up on current trends (Game of Thrones), but also pleasantly nerdy (Big Bang Theory) and groovily retro (Mad Men). Most importantly, like the fact that I like Dr. Who – and the fact that I don’t think Matt Smith is nearly as good as David Tennant and his itchy eyebrows.
No, I’m not being ironic.
Now what was your question again? I’m gonna go with “the egg.”
‘one strand of noodle’………….oh my god I vote for this one!
“Marc Zuckerberg gets feckin’ richer day ” so true…well said Sweet Mom 🙂
am not a facebook person anymore… i have facebook but that too because one of my good friend is in Mississippi and its a good way to stay in touch with her…
We must share the same idiot friends. Unfortunately I can’t delete and block some of my idiot friends, they are related to me. I kept telling my father … his taste in women was sadly lacking as he got older and the more children he had the stupider they got. Did he listen? No!
Oh my God, my friend J got married this weekend, and all week it was a non-stop parade of irritating facebook updates, most of which were badly spelled, bafflingly punctuated, and generally delusional. I don’t get why people feel the need to spew their lives on facebook for everyone to see.
Reblogged this on A Girl Named Tae. and commented:
New to Facebook, but this is very, very true to what I have seen so far…
thanks for the re-blog, tae! xo, sm