Maybe Your Dog is a Hermaphrodite

I have a friend who always freaks out when I don’t get the gender of her dog right.  I always call it a she and the dog is a he.  This is further complicated by the fact that she’s given the dog an ultra-girly name.  The dog’s name is the equivalent of Shirley and it’s male!  So, when I see Shirley, I automatically ask how SHE is doing.  This drives my friend crazy.  She stops, her face scrunches up even more than it usually is, and she yells out, “He.  It’s a he!”


The gender thing with her dog drives me crazy.  I always want to yell out, “You know what?  When it comes to dogs, I am gender-blind.  I don’t see gender.  And do you know why?  BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FECK YOUR DOG!!”  That’s the truth of the matter in the end.  Dogs don’t have a sexuality to me.  I know they do it twice a year, but I don’t want to know about it, much like my parents having sex.  To me, dogs are loveable, androgynous, souls.  They are less a she or a him or a he or a her and more mystical-ball-of-love-from up on high.  One other factor drives this point home for me and that is – I know the dog doesn’t give a sh*t.  Call him a her or an it, it doesn’t matter – just feed the soulful hermaphrodite, give it love, and the boy-girl will wag its tail until the gender-neutral cows come home.


“You can call me Sir, but get me the feck out of this dress!”


And that is my point, sometimes we get sensitive over the wrong things.  Your dog doesn’t care if you call it a him or her.  However, she does care when you dress her up in that tutu and tiara because she’s a feckin’ dog, an animal, and it’s scratchy!  So, stop doing that.  But, ultimately, the dog doesn’t care about pronouns.  So, you shouldn’t.


What you should care about is my Asian friend who gets Ching-Chonged in the street.


That’s what she calls it, “ching-chonging.”  Now, my friend is an ultra-cool, Asian (Korean-American) girl who’s in a band and she’s a super talented artist.  She lives in New York (New York, by the way, not Bumfeck, Nowhere) and in New York sometimes she gets what she calls, “ching-chonged” in the streets.  The “ching-chonging” consists of a couple of meatheads walking by her and yelling or sometimes even whispering, “ching-chong, ching-chong.”


Let’s pause for a moment here so I can fully express myself…




How is that funny?  It’s just not and at the same time it’s feckin’ completely hack.  I mean, would the same guys go up to a black guy and say, “Basketball, Basketball, N*gga, what??!!”  No, they would not because a couple of black guys are more threatening then a cool, Asian girl who plays the accordion.


So, no feckin’ way they would try it.  But, yet, my friend gets ching-chonged.  It’s so feckin’ lame.  It makes me want to unleash my inner, gender-mysterious, pit-bull on to all of their retarded asses.


You see how I did that?  If the meatheads were actually retarded, I would not have described their asses as such.


This brings me to my last point.  How is it that people don’t know how to joke around?  How is it that people get sensitive about the wrong things?  The gender of their dog – for example – yet they have no problem laughing at a lame, Asian, joke?


“Ching-Chong me and you may never walk without a limp…”


Here’s how it works, it’s so simple, really…


If you are that thing, you can say that thing.  So, if you’re Asian and for some insane reason, you want to ching-chong yourself then go right ahead.  You can ching-chong yourself all day.  For example, the other day I called Wifesy a “fag.”  I totally did.  I said, “God, you’re being such a fag, right now.”  And since we know each other’s hearts, and since we both have spent a while in fagdom, it was perfectly okay and fall-down-funny.  I would also say if you have a strong intimacy with a friend, if they know where you’re coming from then – yes – you can say an ethnic joke to them and it becomes a form of inclusion.  Your friend will laugh, you will laugh.  It can be awesome, but you need to have decent instincts about this sh*t.  And the rule is – they get to say one back.  So, don’t do it if you can’t handle the reciprocation.


Lastly — empathy.  Simple, empathy.  I like to think everyone’s born with it, but I’m not sure they are anymore because there’s a lot of stupid out there.  Empathy is a very simple quality and it means, “Can you step in this other human’s shoes for a while?”  If you possess it, then put yourself in the place of the other, and ask yourself, “If I were Asian, would I enjoy being ching-chonged down the street?”  For me, the answer is no.  A ching-chong in my face would lead to a Jackie Chan metamorphosis with a streak of Dexter.  Ching-chong me on the wrong day and not only will I flying, high kick you to the ground, but you may also get filleted.


It’s all so easy to understand, really.  Mainly, the dogs don’t give a sh*t, but the humans do.  So, think before you speak and unfortunately, sometimes you have to step up when someone else acts like an ass.  It’s annoying to have to be an a-hole avenger.  I know all about it.  Sometimes it feels like a full-time job for me, but I think in the end, it protects the right souls.



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Photo credits:  dogindress, crouching tiger

28 thoughts on “Maybe Your Dog is a Hermaphrodite

  1. Hard to believe in this day and age. I agree–empathy is the key to much, but I think although we may be born with it, it needs to be nurtured. Parents need to constantly instill it in their children. Sadly, too many don’t.

    1. once again, i think you are right, rubes. so right. it’s undoubtedly something that needs to be nurtured. i don’t think people realize you CAN joke around and still not be a d*ck…those things are not inextricably attached, ya know? xo, sm

      1. You are the perfect example of how one can joke around and still be a sweet, caring individual. Love your stuff!

  2. I just have so many things to say about this one! First, it’s beautiful, very thoughtful. Second, my son hates dogs, HATES them. People get offended by that and ask how I’m going to fix it. Um, never get a dog? I didn’t realize hating dogs is an illness. Third, my sister lives in a totally gay town (she’s straight) and one day her and her gay neighbor were talking about one of the houses on the street that was for sale. My sister didn’t think it would ever sell and her neighbor said, “Oh some fag will buy it for sure.” When she was recounting the story to me she said, “He must not be gay anymore because he used the word fag.” I about died!
    A.) Did he go to gay conversion church camp? B.) I had to tell her gays can use the word just like women can call each other bitches and not get offended.

    I don’t think I truly convinced her. 🙂

  3. I’m with you! Although full disclosure – it annoys me just a little bit when people call my dog a she. Mostly because HIS NAME IS UNCLE JESSE. (It really is.) Uncle! C’mon, people.

    I agree that with the right person, or if you are ‘that thing,’ you get a pass. My husband and I met teaching special ed (he still does), and we are NOT politically correct when we talk about the kids to each other. But he genuinely cares about his students; he’s not trying to belittle them (and it’s just between us)! It’s nice when you have the kind of relationship with someone where you feel like you can say just about anything, because they trust your intent.

  4. totally agree with you Sweet Mom…dogs just want our love that’s all…love them and they are super happy…
    you call someone’s pet “hey cute dog” and they go “dont call him a dog he is my baby boy Sam” …ohoki… sorry Sam.. 😛
    But the same person would go out like “O my god she is gay” … my friend she is gay but she is also person like you.. stop with your OMG..

    phew! i guess it is a sad thing…

    Sweet Mom i really like the way you like to protect people .. 🙂 thankyou

  5. People get REALLY worried when they can’t tell my son’s gender right off. They try to guess, looking at me out of the corner of their eyes to gauge my reaction, or they ask outright before they say anything else. The thing is, if I gave a flying feck about what pronoun people use when talking about my infant, I would have him dressed in non-gender-neutral clothing (which is almost impossible to find, BTW) and I would introduce him using a pronoun. Heck, sometimes I let them go on with their incorrect assumption that he’s a girl (usually based on his AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL rainbow legwarmers) just to mess with them. They always go pale when they find out that they’re wrong, and put up their hands like they think I’m going to pull a knife on them or something. Why do people care? My son doesn’t. He barely even knows that he has a penis, much less that he’s ‘supposed’ to behave/dress/look a certain way because of it. Ugh.

    Also, congratulations on your one-woman crusade against douche-baggery. You should wear a cape! And tights, with your underwear on the outside. Because that’s what superheroes do, right?

  6. People have said of my son “What a beautiful girl” and I sucker punch them in the throat. I’m kidding. I don’t give a shit and sometimes I don’t even correct them because who’s got the time, you know what I’m saying.

    People who ching-chong Asians should have their balls in a sling-slong.

  7. Empathy and think before you speak. Two things there aren’t enough of these days. Most people only like the world when it bends to their little plan for it. Give them something they don’t understand and it starts them fraying at the edges, that’s when they start being mean and intolerant.

    I really think you need to be careful with you choice of costume now you are an a-hole avenger…. just saying 😉

    (Our dog is called Jack, often called The Jackal. She is very small and cute. People don’t always cope with that very well 😉 )

  8. Damn. Hit enter before I was finished. I’m Asian. I look Asian. I cannot tell you how many ignoramuses have said to me, “What are you?” This question used to really bug the bejeezus out of me until I came up with the perfect answer: human. But believe it or not, some still persisted. No, really. Where are you from?

    So I have just one question: Is it a mortal sin to want to tear out someone’s tongue with tweezers, cause that would hurt a lot more than tearing it out with needle nose pliers . . .

  9. I over heard someon ching chong someone at a little kids lemonade stand today. Yup. Course I do live in bible land. And you can be as racist as you want so long as you praise jesus.

    1. I just don’t understand how anyone can misunderstand what jesus said. That man preached TOLERANCE in every sense of the word. I may be an atheist but even I know that 😦

      1. I fear it is because down here from a young age you are taught not to question your preacher. If you question or try to understand it is of the devil. So these people mostly have never studied jesus or the bible. It is truly sad.

      2. My god that’s machiavellian 😦 If I believed in hell then I’d say those preachers had better die in cool shorts and flipflops because they are going to get one hell of a tan.

  10. I’m plagued with empathy so I suspect that the morons saying ching-chong were actually attracted to your asian friend. Maybe they thought they were being smart and sexy. Or maybe they felt ashamed of being attracted to an asian and had to sublimate the wolf whistles into something more ‘racially correct’. Either way they should have been made to eat with chop-sticks from birth!

  11. I have two daughters. Two years ago, I had to shave both their heads because they got a hold of my kitchen shears and gave each other haircuts. Every time we’re out in public, people always remark on how cute my “sons” were. It didn’t matter to me, so I just smiled and nodded my head. If it doesn’t bother my kids, it doesn’t bother me. One time a lady at the grocery checkout line greeted my younger child with “Hey there buddy!” (I’d like to note that my child has pierced ears and was wearing PJs with pink and red hearts). My husband and I just looked at each other, then he asked in Hmong, “Should I correct her?” I told him no and after 5 minutes, the lady finally exclaimed, “You’re not a boy! You’re a girl!” It was funny.

    We took a trip to Santa Monica last year. My girls’ hair had not grown much. They were in their swimsuits, playing in the sand and splashing in the waves. A little girl comes up to me and asked, “Why is he wearing a girl’s bathing suit?” While my husband was having the time of his life laughing away, I informed her that she’s actually a girl.

  12. Hilarious as always, Momma. There are truly only a few breeds where the males and females are obviously discernable. The rest … well, like you said, the dog doesn’t care. I just use their names and that takes care of it.

    LOL … gotta love it though.

    Happy Memorial Day weekend!

  13. I was riding a bus in Seattle years ago, and the bus passed a very beautiful Asian woman standing on the street. A group of men in front of me were saying, “Chink, chink, I’d like to bend her over my kitchen sink.” I had NEVER heard a racial slur used before that moment, and I was appalled.

  14. I’m not sure about the empathy thing, either. Take, for example, a person that I love very much, but who cannot seem to comprehend that cancer jokes are not funny. To anyone. No matter who you are, at some point you’ve known someon who died from it. Cancer hits too close to home for pretty much everyone, but this person will not see it.

  15. People call my cats she all the time and they are boys. I don’t care. I would never be the type to dress my pet. Unless it is for a fun photograph, of course. But they would not like it. Enjoyed the blog.

  16. I once had a guy hit on me by saying he’d “always wanted to bang a cracker”. In front of the children I watch.

    He wasn’t very pleased when I thrust a bag of Ritz crackers in his face and told him to go nuts (true story).

    I’ve lived 23 years, and the only thing I know is that people are so weird.

  17. Jen, a lot of the empathy has gone out of this world, with all the crap you see on television and the movies lately. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good movie. But with everyone shouting that you have to be politically correct these days, it’s a bunch of bullshit. Let’s call it like it is, a moron is a moron. Take some of the rap artists today, they talk about slinging drugs, shooting people, killing, drop F-bombs like there is no tomorrow, and then out of nowhere they get a music award and the first thing they do is thank God. How ironic. And then it’s N**ger this and N**ger that and we are supposed to take it all in stride, but let one person that is not black say that word and the whole friggen world stops to chastise you. Anyways, have a super Memorial Day weekend. Luv ya’ll

  18. Thank you for summing that up just perfectly. I, too, have been the victim of inappropriate anger and frustration aimed at me because I couldn’t remember the gender of someone’s dog…a task that becomes much harder when the dog is NEUTERED. Hello, when you cut your dog or cat’s balls off, don’t expect me to come up with a gender appropriate pronoun. And don’t give it an ambiguous name. We have three cats – all with somewhat ambiguous names – and I couldn’t care less which pronoun you use when you speak about them. I don’t even care if you get their names right. As long as you pet them and refrain from kicking them or pulling out their whiskers, we’re all good.

    I hate to believe that your friend is actually “ching-chonged,” but I’m sure it’s true. Yes, certain non-PC words can be exchanged among friends, but as you astutely pointed out, there needs to be that intimacy and that understanding between those friends – in advance – that it’s okay. My husband is one half Native American and sometimes, I or our close, close friends will use the expression “prairie n**ga.” However, when we do use it, it’s usually in reference to idiots out there who are perplexed by my hubby’s olive complexion, strong nose, full lips and dark hair. Is he one of them Muslims? Perhaps he’s Latino or Italian or Greek? Doesn’t matter – pull his ass out of line at the airport and feel him up. He might have a bomb tucked inside his tightie whities. When he is racially profiled, I might say, “What a bunch of dumb fucks! Don’t they know you’re just a prairie n**ga?”

    Anyway, loved this post. You’re fabulous as always!



  19. It fascinates me when people feel the need to genderize their pets (and fascinates me even more when they find they can’t assign a gender for lack of info). If I had enough balls (ha) I’d ask if the animal has a penis or a vagina – cuz that’s really what we’re all asking. Cuz animals DON’T HAVE A GENDER. The end.

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