Don’t Let Them Find Me Like This

One day, I was staying at a friend of mine’s apartment while I waited to leave the country for a while to live with my Wifesy.  I wasn’t used to this apartment and I went to take a shower.  There’s the clue for you there, “wasn’t used to this apartment” because take anything mundane and then do it in a setting you’re not used to and it can be a recipe for disaster.


I got in the shower and everything was going smoothly.  My friend had this super wide tub, almost like a jacuzzi tub, which is a rarity in a New York apartment.  I noted the width and depth of the tub, as I was standing up and taking a shower.  The tub floor had just become completely wet when disaster struck.  I reached for the liquid soap and my feet came out from under me.  Suddenly, my feet were up where my head used to be and it didn’t end there.  My body went this way and that way for what seemed like minutes, even though it was only a second or two.  To best describe this fall, I’d say it was like I was an unwilling participant in a luge event or that I was thrown down a water slide against my better judgement.  Just when I thought my body in motion was going to come to rest, it would stay in motion.  (Damn those physics professors and their proven theories!)  My body went up one side of the tub and then down again, around the back, up the other side of the tub and down again.  I have a vague recollection of trying to protect my cranium somewhere in there and I also remember saying to myself, “Don’t let them find me like this.”


It might be okay to go in a tub like this… I said might!


Now, what did I mean by that?  I meant, Lawd, don’t let this be the way that I die.  It was so fast and so furious and so hard of a fall that I thought, surely, this is the way I’m going to go out.  And I was none too happy about it.  I pictured the doorman of my friends luxury apartment breaking down the door because the neighbors have started to complain about a smell.  They walk into the bathroom to find me spread eagle – one leg in and one leg out of the spacious tub, a cross-eyed expression on my face, and a clear “NO!” formed on my lips.  The doormen would talk about it with one another for weeks, “Remember the broad who turned 4G into a human slip and slide?”  “Oh, yeah, I wish I had seen it happen…better than Sea World,” another might say.  “A-holes!” I’d scream, just as I walked towards the light.


Honestly, I’d be cursing them all from hell.  Because it’s not supposed to go down like that.  I’m not working this hard and trying day in and day out to get this “person of good character” thing down to have it all taken away from me by a feckin’ tub.


I would prefer a “gentlemen’s death.”  They say a “gentlemen’s death” consists of a man, who is quite long in the tooth, putting his pjs on one night, turning out the light and passing before the break of day.  No pain.  No embarrassment like being found on the toilet after a night at El Ranchito.  None of that.  Dignity, right up until the very last second.


That sounds nice to me.  I’d like to one up it and add to the lexicon a “gentlelady’s death.”  For me, this would consist of going out approximately ten minutes post orgasm, after my lover has fed me a spoonful of my favorite ice cream, wearing a power suit.  I don’t know why the power suit, but it just feels right.  And it says I made some money to any feck-wad who tries to say otherwise.  I’d like to make some money, so I’m keeping it in the death fantasy.


I do not want to go out like that poor soul who made the Segway scooter.  He was 62 years old when he took his Segway off-roading.  Then he promptly fell off a cliff into a ravine.  If I had created Segway and then died by the hand of my own creation, I’m sorry, but I’d have a beef with God.  I’d be up in heaven chasing the almighty around.  She’d have to run pretty fast in order to avoid the Segway tire marks I’d want to leave all over her white cloak.  Kill me with my own creation and you’re at least going to get injured by yours – meaning me.


“Lawd, are these angels I see before me or Red Hat Ladies out on a joy ride?”


Hopefully, God and I have an understanding in that way and she knows to take me out gracefully.  If not, at least I’ve left this post and much like a blogging last will and testament, you’ll all know how I really felt.  If I were to go tomorrow, keep posting for me until I reach 365 days.  I’ve got a goal to reach here.


But, most likely, I’ll still be around and I’ll have to do this sh*t myself.  At least, I hope so.  He-haw, he-haw, nervous chuckle, and sigh of gratitude.


Sweet Mother out.



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Photo creds:  gayangel, tub, segway-moms

53 thoughts on “Don’t Let Them Find Me Like This

  1. I’m glad that you didn’t die. Tubs can be treacherous bastards sometimes — you’re all relaxed and warm and wet, and then it’s all “Ow, slippery, and why am I bleeding?!” Bitchmonkeys.

  2. When I started reading this post I was worried that it was going to be a story about something that happened when you stayed in my place. But then I read about the nice bathtub. If you were talking about ours you’d describe it as moldy with a showerhead at a height only suitable for feckin’ midgets.

    1. i loved your place. it was so goddermned cozy. and i’m knee deep in sh*t water right now. ay yay yay. long story. maybe i’ll write about it? but, we loved your place. i know what you mean though, i lived in quite a few old places in ny. but, there is also a charm to them. xo, sm

  3. haha that was so funny but am glad you are alive healthy and happy…
    and yes i would like to take the liberty of assuming that most your readers are lazy and thus you will have to stay with us and complete this blog everyday on your sweet mom stop worrying about going have got a blog and some crazy readers to takecare of.. 🙂

  4. Tubs are so nice, and yet so perilous. I went down hard just cleaning mine one time since it was still a bit slick.

    I would either want to have a dignified gentleman’s death, preferably having had a spot of brandy before bed, or a crazy-awesome death. I think it’s on “Top Gear” that they said something like, “If you go though the Pearly Gates, backwards in a fireball, that’s a cool way to die!”

    1. Those are two words that ought not be in the same sentence. Die. Blah blah and a little more blah. Fireball. I don’t want them to get too close together. They might start to get ideas.

      1. looool. i worry that mine might be more of a ‘sparkler’ death. do they have those everywhere? well, they’re like the birthday candles that never go out more or less… 😉 sm

    2. backwards in a fireball — YEEEESSSS. that sounds awesome. lol. and i love ‘top gear’ not for nothing. you have good taste, fads, but then again i knew that about you… 😉 sm

      1. Oh man, I love Top Gear. I’m always so happy whenever other people know and love it, because it is just such a great show. What’s your favorite challenge of theirs?

  5. I was drinking a bit this past weekend, had some friends over, and jumped on our trampoline with 4 grown men. I was promptly bounced off, right onto my back. For what seemed like eternity I was flying, and when I landed, in a really cute short skirt, which I could feel was completely pulled up over my ass, all I could think about is being dead or paralyzed with my torn period underwear on. Luckily I lived, was able to move, and though I fractured my pelvis just a smidge, I was actually wearing cute undies.

    1. holy sh*t! you fractured your pelvis??!!! christine, this comment had me laughing out loud, once again…until i reached fractured pelvis. ouch. hope you’re okay. and i’m so with you on the undies tip. i often fear i’ll be found in my ‘sleepwear’ and it is all for comfort and never to be seen, so it terrifies me! loool. good lawd. the trampoline story is insane. insane. anyway, hope you’re okay. xo, sm

  6. I don’t know why, but the power suit part made me laugh the hardest. And I think the Segway guy really must have had some fucked up karma—I mean, who checks out that way unless they’ve had a cosmic bullseye on their back?

    1. i know, i know. there’s something about the segway guy that makes me go – NO, NO, NOOOOOO! it’s just too much to be killed by your own invention like that. it’s like the menendez brothers or something. and i loved the power suit too. nudge, nudge, wink, wink. love you, weebs. sm

  7. Goodness gracious.. I must be a very bad person cause I can’t stop laughing. Just can’t help myself. The chuckling started here ==> “Suddenly, my feet were up where my head used to be and it didn’t end there.” and continued in a never ending crescendo until you mentioned the segway and I lost it completely.

    By the way, I did the shower stunt too. Ended OUTSIDE the shower, with my head on the toilet. And I still laugh at it every time I think of it, even if my elbow funny bone still hurts every now and then

    1. they’re like deathtraps those tubs. seriously. anyway, thanks for the awesome comment, summer. and i think i owe you an email, yes? and the answer is YES to the reggie question, all we need are some reggie pics from you, which i will explain via email. ok, cool. much love, sm

  8. I can empathize with your fear of leaving this world in such an undignified way. I’m confident that I won’t die like that. Why? Because I never get injured in a normal way. When I die, it’s going to from a hangnail or an infected paper cut.

    1. or a goddermned wine opener. wasn’t that the last one? or an ice cube tray. whatever it was it was both horrifying and delicious. lol. much love, sm

  9. You know it’s odd how we don’t know just how fragile we are until some little run-of-the-mill, mundane thing we do can just take us out. I guess my closest call was water-skiing which I always hated but tried to do it since everyone else seemed to love it and somehow one leg went one way and the other the…you get the picture. It hurt, felt like a super-douche and wasn’t in any way graceful. That was it for me and water sports of any kind. All that wet, and pulling and tucking and seriously, why does anyone like that kind of thing?

    Your near-death involved water too. Hmm. Perhaps it was the Universe telling you to SLOW DOWN. That’s what I always tell myself when I slip and fall on the ice in the winter, skid across slick tiles and stuff like that — SLOW DOWN….

    So glad you were able to recoup and manage to live to tell the tale. But really, be careful around water. I’m just sayin.

    I’m LOL about your telling off the a-holes as you’re walking toward the light. HI-larious.

    1. i thought i WAS being slow! ugh, i probably never am. lawd, lawd. yeah, i love skiing, but i would never barefoot, too dangerous. and whenever i ski, i wear shorts because i’m sorry, but instant enema. ay yay yay. glad you’re okay, glad i’m okay. because i did not want to be found like that. looool. much love, sm

      1. You helped inspired my post today. Take a read if you have a moment. See, I’m always begging. Like a dog with a bone. Or a cat with a nip.

  10. Now I can see you sliding endlessly up and down the sides of the tub something like a screaming perpetual motion machine.

    I remember telling my kinds about the Segway guy dying and the way he went. It is not our way to laugh at death unless it is extra silly. That one got a big laugh, sorry Segway man, but it was funny.

    1. that segway guy accident was more like a nails on a chalkboard scenario for me. i was like, NOOOO. noooooo! NOOOOOO. when i heard about it. too much. too much, like being killed by a bunny rabbit you’ve nursed back to health. awful. xo, sm

      1. Being taken out in such an unexpected way by your own invention is a bit like being killed by the bunny you restored back to health!

  11. I have fallen so many times in such undignified ways that I figure it is the least the world can do for me is to let me die gracefully. I hope that’s the way it works….oh, and painlessly, too. Wait, and not until I am so old that I won’t even know that I died. Hmmm, and not until I have completed everything I ever thought about that I’d like to accomplish. Maybe not until….Oh, well. I’ll stick with not naked and/or on the toilet. I don’t think that’s too much to ask of whatever is in charge of these things.

  12. Tub would be an awful way to go. Riding a Segway scooter into a tub would be the cruelest. But at least the rest of us would have a funny story to tell when while waiting to be seated at brunch.

  13. God and I have an arrangement. I am going to implode into to nothingness and as the last bit of me disappears a shower of glitter will pop out and shower the world with glitter.

    1. death by glitter. how can a gay not love that? and i do. me loves. how do i sign up? i’d like a glitter explosion and an unexpected ‘poof’ sound to happen at the very end…

  14. I’m glad you made it out of the shower alive! And um…I’m also a new Yorker, when is your friend going to let me chill in the jacuzzi tub? I could totally use a soak 😉

    1. seriously, right? she sold that place. but the tub was niccccccce. or niiiiiiiiiice. the whole place was, really. i on the other hand lived in a shoebox under the ‘f’ train stairs. not really, but pretty close… xo, sm

  15. Tears on my cheeks. Now you know how a roulette ball feels. The picture that came to mind is that of a skateboarder/snowboarder biting the dust on a half-pipe. To complete the image, did you skin your chin?

    That Segway story deserves a Darwin Award.

  16. Bathtubs should be outlawed. Not only are they dangerous, they are a right royal pain to clean, although I’d say you probably cleared off all the soap scum on that tub as you were pinballing around so it wasn’t a complete loss. How long did it take the bruises to fade?

  17. I have to say I laughed a bit whilst reading this. You describe it so well that the picture in my head is of some character in some hilirious comedy! But I was then reminded of the risks involved in bathing! It can be a very dangerous environment! My mother had a similar situation a while back, but she was a hotel room, on her own, and was knocked unconscious and found by the cleaners – naked! I’m glad you’re okay!

    1. omg!!! that’s terrible. i hope she was okay in the end. yeah, this sh*t is dangerous. i literally thought, ‘yep, this is how it’s going to end.’ thankfully, it wasn’t…but, man it’s too easy for it to go down that way. too easy. thanks for reading and stopping by here, m. i really appreciate it. mother

  18. I had a good picture in my head as well…and no, it wasn’t pretty. 😛 I fell in the shower once, my ribs bashing the side of the tub as I went down, bringing the shower curtain down with me. i didn’t break anything, but had one helluva bruise on my side!

  19. I have never fell in the tub before (knock on wood) but I did my version of a ski jump once off my front porch after an ice storm. Thankfully there was a large pile of snow I landed in to help break the fall. I did however have a rather intriguing moment once when (while my wife and I were finally alone – no kids) that we got a little overzealous with the bubble bath in the tub and flooded the floor, making it very hazardous getting out. Why is it always funny after you have had time to think about it, but when it is happening, it’s like the world is gonna end or something? Still gives me a good chuckle, as I am sure you had one or two afterwards yourself. Have a super week.

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