toilet

What Does One Learn When One Is Thigh High In Shit Water?

Okay, so I wasn’t thigh high.  I was more like ankle deep, but the sh*t was real and it was flowing…right out of my toilet on to the floor.

 

I panicked.  I called the maintenance people who I am told are supposed to maintain things.  The guy came upstairs and said, “Oh, no.  You have to call a plumber.”

 

I called a plumber when there was a knock at the door.  I opened it and a lady screamed at me in broken English:

 

“De water.  De water.  My walls, de light.  Oh, my gawd!”

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, but see, I have it all toweled up here.  It should no longer be coming down and thankfully the guys have turned off the water.  That means no more overflow and I have a plumber on the way,” I said with compassion.

 

“De water.  De water.  Sh*t-balls.  And why you bangin’?”

 

“What?” I asked.  “Banging?”

 

“You bangin’ all de time.  I hear you plumbing and bangin’ all around.  I have proof, I have proof!”

 

“What?” I said.  “There’s no bangin’.  We work all day…Wifesy is never here and I write – quietly – but I haven’t been here over the last three weeks as I’ve been working a job out of the house…”

 

“No, you bang.  YOU BANG.  I HEAR YOU BANG.  ALL NIGHT LONG!”

 

Okay, does she mean banging in another way…like “She bangs” – maybe like the Ricky Martin song…

 

“There’s no banging.  Wait, you mean like banging with a hammer?”

 

“Yes, you bang with a hammer on the pipes.  On the walls.  You bang.  YOU BANG.”

 

“Okay, there’s no banging.  We’ve hung up a couple pictures, but that’s it,” I said.

 

“I know it’s you.  I know.  I call landlord many times.  She never call me back.”

 

“Lady, we just moved in here,” I said.

 

“I know it’s you.  I have proofs.  You bang.  You water.”

 

“Yes, me water.  Me, NO bang.”

 

Wait a second, just why in the feck am I talking like Pocahontas right now?!  Oh, because this woman is cray-cray and she’s driving me feckin’ loon-loon.

 

“Me, no, bang-bang. Me have outhouse problem. You fix Colin Farrell? Then we bang-bang?”

 

So, the woman called the landlord.  Meanwhile, I called the landlord, the maintenance guys, Wifesy, the realtor, the landlord, and the feckin’ cavalry.

 

Wifesy calls me back.  “Hun,” she says.  “The landlord called me and said the woman downstairs has photos of us putting wipeys and plastic bags down the toilet.  Do you know anything about that?”

 

YES, yes, I know a lot about it, hun!  I’m ankle deep in sh*t right now.  The plumber is yelling at the maintenance guy and the maintenance guy is yelling at the plumber.  Sophie’s Choice just came upstairs and screamed at me about the toilet and banging.  And, wait, what is this about plastic bags and wipeys?  We don’t throw plastic bags down there!  For god’s sake we use reusable canvas bags for shopping and yes, I used a goddermned wipey.  But, it was a septic tank safe one that disintegrates when it touches water.  And what business is it of Sophie’s Choice what I wipe my a** with??!!  Do I need to get Sophie’s Choice to sign off when I wipe my goddermned ass??!!!

 

And with that, Wifesy fell out laughing.  “Okay, we’ll go for margaritas tonight,” she said.

 

“What?” I responded catching my breath.

 

“You’ve dealt with enough today.  So, tonight I’m buying you margaritas,” she smiled through the phone.

 

And that…that, my friends – is one of the many reasons why I love my Wifesy.

 

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Sweet Mother is updated even while the sh*t hits the fan (or the floor) around me because I love you.  If you love me, you’ll share this piece or hit the “follow” button at the top of the page.

 

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Don’t Let Them Find Me Like This

 

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Photo credits:  toiletonfire, indian-lady

38 thoughts on “What Does One Learn When One Is Thigh High In Shit Water?

    1. Of course it’s funny, that goes without saying, but I should have said it. Just wanted you to focus on those margaritas and Wifesy and forget about all that s**t, literally and metaphorically speaking, and I’m guessing you did. ;). xo

  1. Wifesy is da bomb! Suck back a margarita for me Momma! Laughing my a** off as usual.

    Happy weekend to you both!

    GC

    1. you too, gills. things finally slowing down, except for today’s sh*tstorm. can’t wait to get back to reading your stuff and so many others i have missed here. xoxo, sm

  2. Enjoy those margaritas, and I’ve got to believe you can work this into a sketch! How could you miss with bathroom disasters and a whacky neighbor from hell?!

    1. oh, lord. i don’t know. but, i hear movement in the hall and it’s making me want to hide under the desk as we speak… i’m just sayin’. looool. thanks for reading, jm. xoxo

  3. Wait, is your neighbor claiming to have cameras IN YOUR BATHROOM? Holy shit she’s got more to worry about than you do if that’s the case.

    I also like how “shit” is spelled out in the title of the post, but then your demure nature took over in the post itself.

  4. You poor thing! I hope you’re thigh high in tequila by now. We used to live in an old house from the 1930s with copper piping, and when it backed up, it BACKED UP. Since the problem was in the piping under the ground, everything in the house would overflow: both toilets, the tub, the shower. It was not pretty. If Sophie’s Choice had lived nearby, we probably wouldn’t have endured it for as long as we did.

    Well, at least you weren’t up Shit’s Creek without a paddle. Or were you?

  5. See, when I read or hear something like that, I feel a burning need to know the outcome, not just the chaos. How were things resolved with the landlord? Did an anvil fall out of the sky onto crazy lady’s head? Or maybe a piano? Oh, I have had one of those ‘dissolving’ wipes clog up plumbing as well. I’m not sure they really work properly.

  6. I had a mild-mannered, rational downstairs neighbor who wanted to work out a walking schedule with me, e.g., I could walk on my floor 9:30 a.m.- 9:35 a.m. every other Sunday.

    I enjoyed his frequent calls to the police and the way he accused me of vandalizing his car.

    It was heaven.

    1. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful that the only neighbors I have to deal with are the audacious, waddling groundhogs and overly intrepid deer, all of whom think my gardening is solely for their benefit.

  7. SM,
    You have yourself a great life partner, SM. You’re one of the lucky ones. Now for the recovering alcoholic that I am, I have to admit that the thought of a margarita made my taste buds salivate….
    Le Clown

  8. This makes me want to write about my adventures in Plumber Land, but I’m trying to keep a positive blog and I don’t think my writing skills can manage both.

    Ever see a movie where someone takes hostages, and the authorities need to see what’s going on, so someone drills a hole (quietly, quietly) in an inconspicuous spot so they can slip in one of those flexible-stick cameras that can look all over the place?

    Your downstairs neighbor has one of those looking into your bathroom. In the floor, near the toilet. That’s where the water was dripping through. ^_^

  9. At the risk of sounding offensive, I’ve always known I needed a wife.

    I’m still totally hung up on how Bang-Bang got these pictures?!

    And lastly, I’m laughing WITH you :)

  10. So what the feck was she talking about with the banging? Poor you. I don’t have the patience to deal with shit like that. But that’s just me. Hope you enjoyed your drinks. :-)

  11. WordPress’ new redesign has left all the great stuff out of my reader! This was posted two days ago and just showed up in my reader half an hour ago.

    Here’s to crazy neighbors, cranky maintenance guys, and overflowing pipes

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