So, I just read a New York Times article on “gaydar.” Gaydar is basically the ability to tell if a person is gay just by looking at them. The experiment was conducted by showing people rapid fire, facial images of both men and women, straight and gay. The faces were photoshopped of haircuts, tattoos, and piercings. Basically, you saw a series I’ve bald heads, I’m assuming.
The overall consensus of the experiment was that yes, gaydar exists. We can tell, by looking, whether or not a person is gay. The accuracy is not high, it’s like 60% or something, but apparently that’s enough to say – yes, indeed, we can.
I don’t know why, but this bothers me a touch. There’s something about it that’s a bit Nazi-seeming. I mean wasn’t there a whole, “let me look at your skull to see if you’re a Jew” sort of thing? And never mind, the incredibly offensive things done and said to black people the world over regarding facial features and skull shape.
Now, it’s the gays turn to get the once over.
However, the study says “gaydar” is a good thing because if the standard argument is “don’t ask, don’t tell” – in other words, let gay people stay in the closet, let them keep their private lives private, and then there is no discrimination…if that’s the argument then a “gaydar is true” scenario blows it out of the water. If you can tell a person is gay by looking at their face, then there is no hiding it, much like a person can’t hide their skin color.
Again, I’m not so sure about this. I mean, what types of gays did they use for these pictures? For example, were the face photographs mainly made up of what I call, “100 footers”?
A “100 footer” to me, is a person who you can tell is gay from 100 feet away.
This would be a male 100 footer.
This would be a female one.
I’m not making fun of effeminate men and butch women here. I, sincerely, believe that the gay movement is made up of ALL types and ALL types who should be treated equally, not just gay people who “pass” as straight. But, I am wondering if you could tell simply by looking at the facial features of a non-100 footer whether or not they were gay. I’m not so sure. I think the water gets murky because SEXUALITY IS MURKY even for people at the extreme poles of the spectrum.
The study then gets into this type of language and I’m totally paraphrasing:
“Facial spaceology and distance between features can help determine whether or not a person is gay. As well as effeminate features for men and masculine features for women.”
Basically, do you have a gay face?
I don’t know if I have a gay face. I do know that I have a gay vag. At times the vag has been gayer then others. Honestly, I think that’s the only thing that matters…who are you going to partner your parts up with? This is pretty much the end game.
But, let’s say you want to sharpen your gaydar. Are there exercises you can do?
I say, yes.
1. Try picturing the straightest man you can summon. Now, try picturing him eating an extremely large chorizo sub while wearing hot shorts on a gay pride float. Doesn’t really match up? Okay, picture him on the couch in front of the TV angrily ordering a chicken pot pie from a lady figure. Better? Okay, great, now we’ve got our stereotypes in line.
2. Try picturing a woman. The most pious woman you can imagine. Maybe a nun. Nope, scratch that – too gay. Try picturing Michelle Duggar. Now picture a woman channeling a tunnel under her hospital room in the maternity ward. Just as she’s about to deliver, this rogue woman punches a whole through the gurney and pops up between Duggar’s stirrups. “Psssst, there’s another way,” she whispers. The tunnel-lady tugs on Duggar’s ankle until she lips into the underground safe-house. There tunnel-lady makes her pies and applies ointment to Duggar’s very exhausted labia. Tori Amos gently croons in the background. See, any woman can become gay with the right recruitment…
Wait, maybe that didn’t really sharpen your gaydar. I think it only made things more cloudy. Let’s try this. I’ve put together different gay-face collages. Please study them.
Wonderful, now that we’ve all had the strings of our gaydar finely re-tuned, I say go out into the world and give it a try. Pick a human. Walk up to them, shake their hand, and gently say, “Gay?” If the person asks you out for a drink, you are correct. If they punch you in your gay/ straight face, you might’ve been wrong. If they laugh, you’ve met a person you just might want to know, regardless of who they sleep with.
That’s my end game. Momma is out. (In more ways than one.)
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