It Ain’t the Location

Living in Los Angeles means I have a lot of friends in LA who are looking to move back to New York.  In New York, right now, I am SURE there are hundreds of creative types after having their asses felt up on the F train and then being yelled at by the cashier at Duane Reade, who are thinking, “Get me the feck to California.”


It ain’t the location.  Nope.  It ain’t the location.


‘Cause the location ain’t never paradise.  I asked my Wifesy once, “Where would you like to live the most in the world?”


Google says this is paradise…


Her answer was something like, “In a beach house in a city with a backdoor that leads to the country, over a theater where there is culture, but in an area that’s not too noisy, yet teeming with life, where you can ride your bike and take mass transit, but where things aren’t too close together.”


What in the feck.


That place doesn’t exist.


I filled out a dating profile for a friend of mine.  We wrote it funny, I knew it was going to get lots of views.  But, then I let my friend fill out the drop down menu boxes.  She immediately checked: “Must make over $150,000.”


I said, “Really, he must make over 150k?  I mean, you make a decent living…”


And she was like, “Yes.  He must make over 150k.  That’s what I want.  That’s what he should make.”  She was downright adamant.  She also checked, “Must be over 6’2”.


Now, it’s not that this guy doesn’t exist.  It’s more that this guy is dating Gisele Bundchen.


Want a guy that satisfies your 10 page long checklist? Too late…Gisele’s already got him.


You might be thinking, “What in the feck, SM, don’t you believe in standards?”


I so believe in standards – for yourself.  I believe when you put them on the world, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  Let’s take the “perfect place” again.  When Wifesy and I were looking for an apartment, we had trouble in the beginning because we wanted too many things.  We wanted a part of Los Angeles that we could walk around in, but we also wanted a pool.  We wanted it to look great, but we didn’t want to spend a lot of money.  See, this place doesn’t exist.  We were asking for the cheap, luxury place, with a big pool, and space, in a trendy and walkable neighborhood.


So, I got more specific.  I said, “Wifesy, what MUST you have.  What do you want in an apartment above all things?”  And Wifesy said, “a pool.”  I thought really long and hard about what one thing I wanted and it was for the place to be, “a good looking bargain.”


We got most of what we wanted because we whittled it down to what was most important.


I think about my friends who live here, but want to be somewhere else and it saddens me.  Last night Wifesy and I – accidentally – hung out with a fairly well known transsexual.  She relayed her fascinating story.  Wifesy said it made her sad.  Not because transsexuals are sad, in fact, this particular woman was rather joyful.  It was a sadness about the disconnect.  Wifesy later said to me, “I’m so glad I’m in the right body for my brain.”  And I understood, exactly, what she meant.


You have to figure out a way to make things flow in your life.  The brain should match the body, the location should match the heart, and the lover should match your “most importants” and not a checklist that would make Mr. Perfect cringe.


Sometimes it’s a move, for sure.  Sometimes you just have to get the hell out of dodge.  But, a lot of times that new location will have problems too or it will not be how you remember it.  Nothing is perfect, but I think you can feel perfect in a moment.  You can feel like everything is just right within a space in time.  If it doesn’t feel that way, usually, I think you have to go inside.  That’s where the potential for perfection is.  It’s located somewhere between your gut, your heart, and your head.



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Photo creds:  Gisele, Paradise

39 thoughts on “It Ain’t the Location

    1. summer, it’s true, ain’t it. lol. and as far as reggie submits. all you have to do is send me a pick of you with something that keeps you ‘regular’. it can be mexican food, mcdonalds, coffee, cigarettes, whatever ‘does it’ for you…lol. look through the other ‘reggies’ photos in my archives and you’ll get the idea…once i get your photo, i can put you into the reggie-profile cure. i look forward to it! xo, sm

    1. absolutely! i would love that…simply get me a photo with the above ‘constraints’ that i told summer about. look through past reggies in the archives and you’ll get the idea, photos-wise…xo, sm

    1. ha, ha. i suppose i DID gloss over that a bit, now didn’t i? i did a show and a friend of the producer’s came with another woman she had done a documentary film on. the subject was and is the lovely transwoman and it is coming out in about a month as part of ‘outfest’. they both attended said show and i think she really liked my comedy, so we spoke quite a bit. the film should be quite good, me thinks. as the woman has a FASCINATING story to tell.

  1. I don’t know how you come up with such amazing posts on a daily basis! The ‘grass is always greener’ thing has been on my mind a lot lately, and I think you’re absolutely right that the perfect location doesn’t exist, and we should focus our standards on ourselves (since it’s the only thing we have control over)!

    1. ‘the only thing we have control over’ – is the only thing you can truly focus on. and when i think about it, i have a hard enough time with that! so, i can’t imagine also trying to focuse on other sh*t. and thank you for saying so about my posts. i’m NEVER sure if they’re any good, so it’s very nice to hear and i appreciate it. xo, sm

  2. When I lived in New Jersey I hated it and wanted to move to California. So when I got the chance to transfer to San Diego I took it. It was awesome except for the high rent, not knowing a single neighbor and being looked at as white trash because I only made $100,000 year and drove a Rav4 instead of an Escalade.

    So we did what anyone would do in that situation and moved to North Carolina where we are one of the elite few who have all our teeth. It’s all about location.

    1. bwwwwaaahhhhhaaa. rob, you always make me pee a little. maybe THAT is the secret…go where the expectations are very low. i’m in need of superlow ones right now. i think i’d be most comfortable in the special olympics, but then everyone would scream at me for ‘cheating.’ sigh. you can never win…

  3. This was good and is something I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about lately. Sometimes though, you can lower your expectations so that they are almost laying on the floor and STILL end up disappointed.

    1. believe me, i SO understand that, wendos. my weight loss expectations are so low that sometimes i think no weight loss is my actual goal. looool. but, i do believe we need to be kind to ourselves. it’s important. we can’t do it all. we can only do what we can do. and we can only be where we are. striving for more, yes. but, happy in the now. if i don’t focus on that, i go crazy. seriously. xo, sm

  4. Oh Momma, great post as always.

    Before I met DW I made a list of everything I was looking for in a partner. Instead of physical stuff like height and income it was based on character traits that were not negotiable for me. I had actually broke up with a girl three months earlier because she had a glaring difference on one of my non-negotiables. It was so much easier breaking up early in the relationship before two years had gone by and we were sitting wondering “what went wrong.”

    I must admit own house, own car, has job was on the list but only because I was sick of supporting my insignificant others.

    And guess what! DW fit every single criteria on the list and a couple I didn’t know should be there too. She couldn’t be more perfect if I had filled out a silly dating profile.

    I suppose what I’m trying to say is; knowing what is really important to you and what are the things you won’t compromise on makes finding your right anything so much easier to recognise. It also means you don’t waste time trying to make the wrong thing work only to later be disappointed when everything falls apart.

    I think a list of wants can work if you aren’t unreasonable.

  5. I so agree with you. The most barren place in the world can be a paradise and the most beautiful, a hell. It all depends on who you are in that place and the people you surround yourself with. Lovely, post, SM. xo.

  6. Texas is my heart home. I know, that is so weird as to be somewhat sick. But Texas is my heart home. I wish all the Republicans would move (or just fall into the Rio Grande), I wish Rick Perry and the Bushes would secede from the Union. I wish Ann Richards, Molly Ivins, Lady Bird and LBJ would reincarnate and be my neighbors.

    But Texas is still my heart home. No matter how far I go, where I have lived or for how long, I always come home. Some day, my ashes will be scattered to the wind over a field of Bluebonnets and Indian Paint in the springtime.

    My husband is from the Bahamas. We go often and I do love it there, we joke that I married him so I could have permanent residency without paying the astronomical tax that expats pay for the privilege (perhaps). But even were I to die there, he would have to bring me back here. He would like to live there, I am afraid I could never make the transition as the older I get the more I realize my heart strings would always tug me back.

    Location is indeed everything. This was wonderful, you did a great job of defining our spaces and how we define our own.


  7. Someone very close to me, who I won’t out here of course, knows he’s in the wrong body and it’s been a deep, difficult emotional struggle. Not only facing and accepting that knowledge about himself, which was hard enough, but trying to decide whether to change his appearance. Not even about how that change would be received by friends, family, society, but whether he really wanted to match the outside with the in. I don’t think he’s found an answer, but he tears up less lately. Resignation? Procrastination? I don’t know quite where he’s at, but he knows he’s loved which is all the most of us can do for him.

  8. I set low standards so then I’m mostly feel mildly surprised when things do not turn out to be giant shit storms but only mini poo drops.

  9. I love this post!

    My partner and I moved to the country a year ago after a lifetime of living in the big smoke! We dreamed about it for years but were so scared to do it. Then all of a sudden a house came up for rent in the town we loved, a quarter the price of the city, 5 times the size and you can actually see out the windows onto paddocks rather than brick walls. K my partner got a wonderful job at a local private school paying heaps more than the city and I work from home. We don’t regret it for a second and are now looking for a house to buy! That’s not to say there are negatives, because there are many, such as not knowing anyone, and I have to travel 2 hours to the city and back every time I get an audition (I’m an actor), oh and it’s freezing! I guess the point I’m trying to make is, we wanted room to move and somewhere for our kids to play (when we have them) and the city was just too expensive for our wants and needs, so we’ve had to give up a few things we love, such as easy access to great restaurants, our friends, the theatre, etc. but we’ve certainly managed to replace them with other loves! Plus our friends come stay all the time!

  10. If I had stuck to what I thought I wanted from a mate, I would NEVER have ended up with my Loving Husband. He’s perfect for me, but I would have been all, “No. You’re too short, you don’t play guitar, and you’re too damn square. Rejected.”

  11. You’re so right! Gotta stay open, that’s why I bought my tiny junior one bedroom (aka studio) condo by the lake in Chicago because of it’s resale of great location, safe building full of amenities and close to downtown. Plus, my guy is amazing but completely opposite of what I had on paper. Key is: stay open. love your insight as usual!

  12. Yes, but if I leave Santorum country I am a quite sure that it will be a breath of fresh air. I will put up with lots of other things in a trade for less people knocking on my door trying to save me. Every saturday.

  13. Oh my One of Three, another “grass is greener” conundrum. I see it a lot also with my friends. Seems like everyone wants something different, that is what drives us and keeps us going. But where do you draw the line. You said it perfectly, that sometimes you have to go inside to see what it is that will make you happy. I have seen some totally rich people that didn’t seem happy with anything they had. I am happiest when I can help someone else without ever expecting anything in return from them. If you pay it forward, you will be blessed.

  14. SM,

    You are getting DOWN to it in this one. I love all of your posts (and consider myself one of your firsts), but this is one of my favs. You do deep as well as you do funny.


  15. I’ve always been a pollyanna and have found the best in any situation I have been in but sometimes, sometimes where you are at – whether physically, mentally or emotionally – is just not good enough. The heart yearns for something… else. And sometimes you just have to find and embrace that something else or go dry and lifeless inside.

    For me the someplace else was a home of my own out in bushfire country. The some ‘thing’ else was writing. Both have dangers but I can honestly say I’ve never felt more alive because I’m home.

  16. “I’m so glad I’m in the right body for my brain.” I can totally relate to Wifesy!! I’ve often said I’m happy I inherited a great sense of humor otherwise I’d be destined to a life of multiple “personal massagers”…

  17. my father was in army and we have shifted so much that even the thought of moving to another place makes me “Again? O man…” …but everytime we moved i had expectations that for some good reason ever came true…and i ended up falling in love with the new place … 🙂

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