It is time, here, on Sweet Mother, to introduce our first celebrity interview. I’d like to start this series with a guest that brings up a nostalgic atmosphere for me – Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie. The gayest of the Teletubbies…or rather the only gay Teletubbie. (That we know of.) I sat down with Mr. Tinky and tickled his purple orb with triangular antennae by peppering him with thought provoking questions. The result was a wonderful discussion about life, love, and loss.
Me: Hello, Mr. Winky. May I call you, Tinky? Thank you for sitting down with me today.
Tinky: Yes, of course. It is my pleasure.
Me: Let me start with some basics. Where do you live?
Tinky: When I’m not filming, in a lovely little cottage just north of Winkleshire.
Me: You are Mr. Winky of Winkleshire then?
Me: What do you eat?
Tinky: Mainly, custard and a bit of arse.
Me: Arse? Why do you say it like that? Do you have pirate blood?
Tinky: No, I say it like that because I am British. We taught the bloody pirates how to say it that way.
Me: Very sorry. So, the arse…the gay rumors are true then?
Tinky: Yes, of course. I am a proud gay man. If my purse didn’t tip you off then you are truly in denial.
Me: It’s a wonderful purse. Have you chosen to come out now that your show is off the air?
Tinky: No. The people closest to me always knew – Noo-Noo, Po, Laa-Laa, they knew.
Me: Are you dating anyone currently?
Me: Will you tell us who it is?
Tinky: John Travolta.
Tinky: Yes. I met him at craft services. He was shooting at the soundstage across from us. Our eyes met over a tray of canolies and I knew it was love.
Me: Wow, so those masseuse stories are legit.
Tinky: Well, yes, John has always loved a good man-massage. I’ve tried to give him one, but he says my triangle gets in the way. He says it chaffs. So, I told him he’s allowed to receive deep muscle relaxation, elsewhere.
Me: Does this mean you’ll become a Scientologist?
Tinky: No, that shite is for weirdos.
Me: I hear you’re filming a new indie feature…
Tinky: Yes, I’m very excited about it. It’s called, “No Country for Amorphous Blob with Triangle Head.” It is, truly, the role of a lifetime.
Me: And you’ve shot this in war torn Bosnia?
Tinky: Yes. Bosnia is truly not a place for an Amorphous Blob with a Triangle Head. I think we learned that the very first day of the shoot…
Me: How so?
Tinky: Well, the director and I went for a few pints at the local, Suds N’ Shave. I thought I’d get a straight razor treatment, but the barber thought it funny to attempt a hackjob on my triangular protrusion. As soon as I felt a dampness from the custard on my forehead, I knew something was horribly wrong.
Me: Just for our readers at home, Teletubbies bleed custard, is that right?
Tinky: Yes and we cry, Jello. So, you can imagine how emotional this made me. I felt a custard drop and then it was a Jello-hail storm. A tsunami of Jello tears. I cried out for Danny…
Me: Danny Boyle? He is the director of, “No Country for Amorphous Blob with Triangle Head?”
Tinky: Yes, he is. And thank god, Danny being the attention to detail king, he had my triangle insured. So, we rushed to the local hospital and had it attached. It was a delicate situation there for a while. The surgeons told me I might lose my triangle entirely.
Me: That’s terrible. How did you handle that?
Tinky: I made peace with it. The Guru Salamibaddha tells us, “You must part with all of your physical things, in order to mate with the fog.” I mated with the fog that very night. I think it was the only thing that gave me strength. I know that even without my triangle, I could play the part of the Amorphous Blob without a country. I knew it in my heart.
Me: That seems like an Ah-Ha moment to me.
Tinky: It was more of an Ow-Oh moment, really. But, yes. I learned that sometimes you get a breast job and although beautiful, the silicone breaks, and your tit slides down somewhere around your kneecap. Only a fully centered person who has relinquished his or her attachment to her physicality can deal with something like that. Once I did, it was the first moment I had ever felt truly alive.
Me: Do you feel the same way, now? Even though they were able to save your triangle?
Tinky: Well, of course, I’m very happy to have my triangle back. And, of course, John loves it. But, it doesn’t define me anymore. I’m a felt-covered, purple, gay, man who will never have washboard abs. I am loved and I am blessed. And all of that would remain true, even if I lost my geometrical headpiece tomorrow.
Me: Thank you for a wonderful interview, Tinky.
Tinky: It was my pleasure, Sweet Mother. I hope to see you around the gayborhood.
Me: Yes, I’m sure you will, Tinky. I’m sure you will.
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