Today I’m struggling with “Old Title Regret.” It’s something that happens to every blogger. You write a piece and you think, “Yes, I should call that post – WHEN PIGS FLY…” and then you realize the whole post has nothing to do with pigs at all, but you’ve already hit ‘publish’ and so you just sit home and cry. You open an old bottle of tequila that your grandmother gave to you before she went out to pasture. And I don’t mean before she keeled over and died, I mean your grandma only ever drank her tequila, alone, out there in the pasture where she could find some goddermned peace. That’s what you want now, peace. Peace from the sting of your shitty old, blog titles!!!
As I look back through my old posts, I think that has happened many times.
For example, I think…
“Sometimes It’s Hard to Know Who’s Right” should’ve been called:
“General Admission Blunder-Bash!”
That would’ve made more sense. After all, it was about going to a concert and struggling through the spoken and unspoken rules of general admission.
“Why Do You Dress Like That?” should’ve been called:
“Stop Picking on my Sweater, Lover.” I have a sweater, the lover doesn’t like it. It’s simple. I should’ve kept it simple.
Then there was “2801” — This is NOT my version of a “Space Odyssey.” This is what wordpress does when you’re a jackhole and forget to put a title up. That post should’ve been called, “Muscle Man,” well, because it’s a picture of a muscle man.
The internet likes the obvious. When you call things what they are, the internet gods love you. For example, if you have an orgy and tape it and then post that tape on youtube, google wants you to call the video, “My Orgy.” People will find it if you call the video, “My Orgy.” People would also find it if you called the video, “google,” but that’s not ethical. Now, google doesn’t want MY version of a title for my orgy video. I would prefer to call it something like…
“One Night in Bang-c*ck.”
“Sisters of the Naked Slip N’ Slide”
“Tequila, Roofie, Memoir.”
Google does not like those titles. You see, google is very literal. So, horn-dogs would not be sent to “Tequila, Roofie, Memoir,” – no. Google would send only roofers, Mexicans, and Non-Fiction writers. On second thought, that’s exactly who I would want to watch my orgy video, so maybe my title writing ain’t so bad after all.
Problogger, the holy grail of blogging over-think says, “The purpose of a good title is to get people to read your first line of content.”
Well, if that’s the case, here are some WINNER titles:
TAKE OVER MY SIX FIGURE WRITING JOB FOR ONE YEAR
THESE WORDS WILL GET YOU LAID MORE
PUBLISH YOUR BOOK WITHOUT WRITING A WORD
MAKE MONEY JUST LAYING AROUND
HOW THIS GUINEA PIG TAUGHT ME THE MEANING OF LIFE
14 FAGS FOR $1 (This one is about cigarettes. Don’t be crazy.)
CHOCOLATE CAKE THAT MAKES YOU LOSE WEIGHT
Anyway, I’d click on any of those.
I think the problem, for me, most of the time, IS time. I need the ability to let my titles percolate. In other words, more percolation time equals better title. But, sometimes you have to hit publish even if your title is simply, “7089.”
Sometimes you just have to get it out there.
What about you guys? Do you struggle over title creation or are you a well balanced person who just doesn’t give a cran-raisin about this kind of thing? Sweet Mother wants to know.
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