cannon

How To Stop Your Child From Being Murdered By Me

A lot of people have a fear of public speaking, I do not.  A lot of people need to be liked by everyone, I do not.  That need to be liked stopped when I read an article about how you could be immensely powerful within a company WITHOUT everyone liking you.  In fact, there was some kind of tier system.  On that tier system were the A, B, C, and D people.  It didn’t matter, at all, if the C and Ds didn’t like you.  You needed most of the As to and a few of the Bs.  That was the secret to success.  Unfortunately, most people don’t wear their corresponding letter on the outside of their shirts.  So, I often manage to chat up a D while the A sneaks off with my writing partner to give them a development deal.  Thus, has gone my life.  But, I am not bitter.  I am – in fact – extremely happy.  I think this is for several reasons – 1) I say what I feel when I feel it and 2) I will call an a-hole an a-hole.  And I’m sorry, I’ll do it…EVEN IF IT’S YOUR KID.

 

Watch where you point that, kid. I’ve been known to fancy a fish finger sandwich.

 

I have no fear of telling an obnoxious little kid to back off on his or her obnoxious level.  Now, of course, I don’t run around like the supernanny trying to discipline every human being under 4’ tall.  But, if your kid is in a public space, acting like a little a-hole, I’m going to tell him so.  Then I’m going to look for you and tell you so.  Then I’m going to tell the little one again.  So, what constitutes acting like a little a-hole in a public space?

 

I’m glad you asked.  I’ve made a list:

 

TURN OFF YOUR FECKIN’ BEEPIN’ VIDEO GAME.  Look, if you’re at home and you want to play your sega-whatsis-nintendo-wii at full volume then that is your right.  But, when you have it beeping like a life support system in the restaurant where I’m having several drinks in order to quell the desire to bulldoze the planet, well, in that instance you need to turn the thing off.  You don’t have to stop playing.  Just read the feckin’ manual and learn how to turn the feckin’ sound off.  Before a child is given such a toy, this should be gone over and the parent should know how to do it as well.  If you both refuse to learn such a thing and insist on playing what I hear only as, “beep, beep, woosh, woosh, zap, zap,” then do not be surprised when I come over and crush the console under my black, iron, fist.

 

Thanks for being so quiet and studious, little one. I’d vote for you for President, but I’ll probably be dead by then.

 

NO CANNON BALLS IN THE PUBLIC POOL.  Look, in the family pool make all the cannon balls and belly flops you want.  The other people around you made the unfortunate mistake of allowing the dna death dance that created you to occur in the first place, so I am all for them suffering for it.  Soak grandma.  Belly flop on to Aunt Harriet.  But, do it in the public pool while I’m drifting by on my floaty, while reading “Harry Potter,” and don’t be surprised to find out that you can, indeed, receive a concussion by being repeatedly bandied about the head with a paperback.

 

NO SPINE BENDING SCREAMING OVER 8 YEARS OF AGE.  There is a certain type of scream that only a child can make.  It is a scream that eats through the very myelin on the nerve endings of adults.  If you make this sort of scream over 8 years of age, expect an adult – me – to come over and scream back in your face with all the force of an alien attempting to implant itself in the belly of Sigorney Weaver.  I promise, if you ever encounter me doing such a thing, 2 inches from your gourd, you will shit your pants.  Everyone under 8 is exempt from this tactic, as I can only assume your body is growing so fast that it actually hurts and causes said screams.  If you are making them over 8, sorry, your just a little a-hole.

 

Now, maybe you’re thinking to yourself, how dare this woman confront my kid in any way.  I say, no, how dare you NOT teach your kid to live in the world, while at the same time respecting others.  Of course, I never touch anyone else’s kid.  For me, there is no need.  I have been trained to insult people for a living.  This is a great power and, as such, I use it very judiciously.  Why would I ever touch your kid or you for that matter when I can reduce either one of you to tears from across the room, while I lay on my beachy, lounge chair sipping a colada?  I pretty much NEVER use this secret power.  I NEVER let it get to that point.  However, it’s nice to know I have said power.  It’s the simply knowing its there that gives me enough balls to tell your kid to, “knock it off.”  If I have to go further than that, I’m taking it up with YOU, the parent.  Much like there aren’t really any bad dogs, I’m not sure there are bad kids…just horribly undisciplined ones.

 

Imagine if society euthanized kids as much as dogs with behavior problems.  That would be a very sad world, indeed.

 

But, I’m guessing I’d have much more quiet in the pool and at restaurants.

 

I don’t know.  What about you?  Do you have the cajones to reprimand another’s spawn?  Any interesting stories about doing so?  Momma wants to know.

 

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You might also like:

The Education of Gayby

 

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Photo creds:  video-game, football-kid, cannonball-feature

 

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64 thoughts on “How To Stop Your Child From Being Murdered By Me

  1. Godammit, Sweet Mother, I’m really going to have to put on some fucking Depends when I read your blog. This is brilliant. And a brilliant title, too—no worries about a boring title on this one.

    I’ve never reprimanded a kid because I’m pretty sure I’d traumatize him/her for life with the venom I’d spew at him. Not that he wouldn’t deserve it, but because with my luck, he’ll be working at the nursing home I eventually wind up in and he’ll remember me…

    1. ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, weebs, i nearly died when you said, ‘he’ll end up working in a nursing home and wind up remembering me…’ — i should have similar fears and unfortunately, now i will. wifesy is always stopping me from giving everyone a ‘what for’. thankfully, i am very good at when and where i do it, now. after years of ‘near death’ experiences. lol. glad you liked it. i actually had some time to focus on this post and it felt much better. ;) xo, sm

  2. I guess I have the cojones to do that with people’s children I know or family, but strangers’ children, I suffer in silence. I don’t understand why some people allow their children to yell/scream/be obnoxious in places that obviously they shouldn’t be, but people are very sensitive when it comes to their mini-me’s. Maybe I would be too, but I wouldn’t stand for some of the things people allow their kids to do. My parents didn’t so maybe it’s one of those nurture things.

    Annoying kid things: Kicking the seat of my chair in an airplane. Screaming on public transportation and in public places and playing peek-a-boo ad nauseum when I’m trying to have a nice dinner.

    1. ohhhhh, briges, i laughed out loud at, ‘playing peek-a-boo ad nauseum when i’m having dinner’. oh, dear lawd. that’s one of those things, so cute and fun for a couple of seconds and then the child gets stuck on some kind of psychotic loop and you want to gouge out your own eyes for some peace. oh, lawd you made me laugh. and the kicking the seat drives me insane too. i’d make my kid wear cement boots if he or she did that too many times on a plane. it would be fun, just to watch the little sh*t try to raise up the boot to kick with it… is that too much? i don’t know…

      1. “Psychotic loop,” you are soooooooo funny, becks. LMAO. :). OMG–What a great invention, tiny, cement boots — that could be added to all that weird stuff in the SkyMall catalogue — I think you have something here…… Perhaps airlines could have a tagline about it. “Children flying on our adult-friendly flights must wear concrete boots, it builds growing muscles and alleviates seat-kicking…”

  3. I probably would have said the same thing about Nintendo in a restaurant until I met a single mother with a young autistic boy. Her usual babysitter (who in fact is specially trained) wasn’t available and she had to take her son to a restaurant to meet a client. A woman got up and tore a strip off of her and her son for ruining her meal, because the nintendo sound was on, he would have a break down if the sound didn’t work. My friend broke down in sobs, and couldn’t even speak. Her client, graciously got up and tore a strip off of the woman. Sometimes, behavior is not the parents fault. I just had to say that.

    1. yes, i am aware of that. thankfully, i have a very good eye for that sort of thing. autism and the like, as i’ve been around it a lot. and i think you can sort of tell. though, i would say, i’m not sure if the kid can’t be quelled with something that doesn’t make noise that everyone around said child needs to suffer through his autism, as well. you know what i mean? you payed for a meal, they paid for a meal. them just getting through a meal, ruined yours, so your meal cost twice as much. where’s the fairness there? i get it. it’s hard for autistic parents. then there’s also the story about the guy whose kids were acting up on the train, really being nuts. another person reprimands them and the father says, ‘sorry, their mother just died. i guess they don’t know how to handle it and neither do i.’ there’s no way that reprimander didn’t feel like an a-hole. HOWEVER, i think these cases are isolated and very much in the minority…in the majority are kids acting like a-holes and their parents doing nothing because they’re either a) too tired or b) they never do it. and i’m sorry, once it comes out of your parts or you agree to take care of it, you have to teach it how to act in public. of course, there are exceptions, but i think they’re easy to spot with a little common sense.

      1. I am really strict with my child, but I let him be a kid and I don’t drag him to adult places, including restaurants. If he needs to run around, one of us leaves the restaurant, and then we switch. If my child acts out, I correct him. If someone tried to correct my child, I would tear a strip off of that person. I have never corrected someone else’s child, once you become one, you tend to be very sympathetic to other parents. love ya! – TLWB.

      2. now, you see, i have no problem tearing a strip off a parent who tries to tear a strip off of me after their kid tries to tear a strip off the entire public place. it’s a vicious cycle. if the kid hadn’t acted like a wild lunatic in the first place, there’d be no stripping, to speak of. i will continue to do this, until i am arrested because i refuse to be harrassed endlessly by something i did not spawn. so, we’ll have to agree to disagree. however, it seems highly unlikely to me that i’d have a problem with your kids. kids with strict parents aren’t really what i’m talking about here. i’m not talking about kids being kids. i’m talking about kids being out of control and other adults being demonized for pointing it out… i’m just sayin’ back… ;)

  4. My pet peeve is when children are allowed to leave the table in restaurants and use the space as their own private playground! I see this more often than I’d like and the parents always seem so happy when their children are using my chair as a place to play hide and seek. Next time it happens, I’ll channel you and call out the big a-holes, not the little ones.

    1. i’m so with you. you know, i have a dog. and sometimes i take her to the outdoor cafes of restaurants, where i’d like to enjoy a meal. now, if i let her, she’d like to go under everyone’s table and lick everyone’s leg while begging every nearby table for food. BUT, I DON’T LET HER FECKIN’ DO THAT. jesus. it’s not hard. sit. stay. stop. simple. you’ve got to say something to the parents. i’m so with you. xo, sm

  5. My biggest pet peeve is when children don’t know how to behave in a restaurant. My parents took my siblings and me out a lot when I was little, so we learned quickly that screaming and running and throwing cheerios in every conceivable direction was not an acceptable way to behave. I used to waitress, and I couldn’t believe the capability small children have to make an epic mess. Of course, I blame the parents in these situations, since they usually made no effort whatsoever to discipline the kids or in fact, clean up after them.

    1. ohhhhhhhhhh, i have a story. years ago i was waiting tables – it was the lunch hour. there were only about 4 or 5 tables left in the dining room as it was late afternoon. one family had a little obnoxious brat at their table and thank god i was NOT waiting on them. but, i did watch this go down. the kid was screaming bloody murder and the mother was ENCOURAGING IT. i swear to you, she was egging him on. finally, another customer complained to her. and she said, ‘well, i’m sorry, this is a child friendly restaurant and he’s expressing himself. he’s allowed to express himself in a child friendly restaurant.’ the guy backed down and went to his table. i couldn’t believe it. i didn’t want to get involved, but i wanted to say, ‘child friendly doesn’t mean your kid can act like a feckin’ a-hole and you can encourage him to do so. it means we have crayons, you feckin’ idiot.’ see, it’s always the parent.

      1. ….oh my God. I can’t believe no one flipped out about that.

        It’s so lazy and crappy of parents to just let kids run rampant and not teach them any manners. Ugh.

      2. “So, teach your child to be friendly and not disrupt the whole frickin’ restaurant.” Hate rude kids. And their parents.

  6. I worked at a mall in college at a popcorn and candy shop. Right after I cleaned the front of the glass cases, I would have a parent bring a kid over to the display case, lick his own hand, press it againt the glass, and then have his kid do the same. Badly behaving kids is more the fault of the parents than the kids. And yes, the parent saw me cleaning the case and did it on purpose. This was not the only parent to ever do this. It was oddly common.

    I also find crying babies to be no problem at all on a long plane ride. It’s the rowdy teenagers that make me want to start screaming myself. There is nothing worse than traveling on a plane with a high school team (of any sort) that has won whatever even they had just attended. Give me the crying baby please.

    1. yeah, that’s what some people don’t realize is that some other adults ENCOURAGE their kids to act like a-holes. i was on a bus once and me and the woman next to me were clearly tired from our work day and just trying to rest and get a moment’s peace for a second. across from us was a little feckin’ kid who kept giving us both the finger and laughing. he was sitting right next to his mother, who did nothing. i wanted to say something to him, but i was tired, so tired. so, i don’t always. and i wanted to. i so wanted to. believe me, i showed great restraint in that situation and it sounds like you did too. if someone was doing that at my workplace constantly. i would’ve been fired from telling them off. i’m sure of it…

  7. I only speak up when the child is doing something dangerous, and then I speak with them quietly and respectfully, as though they were an adult. Children who act out in public are typically not used to being treated with respect, and it usually shocks them into good behavior.

      1. I have a lot of practice keeping my temper. Once, in middle school a teacher even called my parents after school to tell them how amazed she was at my temper-keeping abilities! :D My mom still talks about it.

  8. Before you make the decision whether or not to have kids, spend some time with my sweet boys. Despite the occasional sass and eye rolls directed to me, they are very polite in public and would not do these things. They would inspire you to have children. You just have to be willing to put up with jokes about poop and genital anatomy.

    As for asking kids to tone it down? My hubby is much better at it than me. But I have to program all of the home electronics, so I think it’s a fair trade.

    Great post. :)

    1. i just have this dead on sense that i’d have no problem with your kids. and it’s not because you say you program the electronics. ;) my instincts are usually right in the cool parent equals cool kid sense. and i expect an eyeroll from pretty much anyone younger than me. if i don’t get that, i don’t consider myself a success. ;) much love, rubes, much love.

  9. Momma – I completely agree with the lack of parental oversight and the need for better home training. That being said, I don’t like any adult speaking directly to my child. If you have an issue with something my kid is doing, speak to me, not her.

    Recently, a man chastised my girlie at the golf range because she crossed in front of him when he was about to hit. I was too far away to say anything and my girl was in the wrong. However, I didn’t like his tone or disrespectful demeanor in addressing my child. He should have spoken to me not her. As it was I let him know that while still acknowledging that my girlie was in the wrong.

    Now, when you want to talk about little demon seeds running around with no oversight, I will still try the parent first, but if all else fails I will say something to the child.

    Love you, momma!

    1. the golf guy sounds like an a-hole and i think you have to be pretty tightly wound to yell at a kid when they walk across you at a driving range. i mean, christ. the dude needs to grow a pair and then massage them, so he relaxes. i’m talking about kids being out of control. really out of control. so that no one can think, speak, or enjoy. you’d be amazed at how often that out of control behavior happens with absolutely zero parental policing. i will ALWAYS say something when i see that go down, to the kid or the parent, but hopefully both. thankfully, i don’t have any problem going toe to toe with a parent who thinks their kid is in the right. and again, i’m a performer who tolerates loud settings and obnoxious behavior for a living, so the kid has to go pretty far, but sometimes they do and when they do — i’m saying something. sorry, that’s just the way sweet momma is.

      1. I hear you, momma. I think we are all different but the same really underneath, but then my kid is well behaved!

        Since I don’t like anyone addressing my kid, I try not to be a hypocrite. That’s really all there is to it for me.

        Permissive parenting is going to kill our society in the long run.

        Much love!

    1. i just read that and loved it. i would’ve done the mean thing. you can’t let your kid be bossed around right in front of you! and you said it respectfully. obviously, i’m kidding when i say, ‘beat a kid around the head with a paperback’ — i’d tell them sternly and matter of factly, but i would tell them. oh, i would tell them…

      1. Of course, no one thinks you are running around with a hockey mask and an ax torturing children. I just wanted you to know that even mothers fantasize about doing this from time to time. :-)

      2. it’s nice to hear that. it really and truly is. us ‘childless mommy bloggers’ (loooooooooolllllllllll) often think we’re going to get told off for saying our opinions on the matter. so, thank you for saying it happens to the women who have rented their wombs for a while too. ;)

  10. Ah, you’re my hero! If only I could learn to speak my mind and not give a poop what other people think! Your comedian skills would also come in handy. I’d be willing to trade for your skills by offering some title help, but you don’t need that, either! ;)

    I think sometimes outside intervention is needed with these little hellions, because usually their parents are even worse! I think the thing that bothers me most is a kid hitting someone – anyone.

    1. yeah, the hitting thing, i don’t understand. i think you just have to go, ‘no hitting!’ in a slightly loud way that scares the kid enough to know there are consequences. when i nannied once, the other nannies told me, ‘boys bond bloody’ when i would see the kids going at it and want to break it up…so, i’m somewhat unsure about that one… but, anyone who hits, has to be told to stop. i mean, sh*t, even adults get told to stop when doing that or at least thrown out of the bar!

  11. This is why I loved being a lifeguard. I got paid to discipline your children, even if they were nowhere NEAR the pool simply because they were being stupid.

    And I have to agree with the commenter who said they would take the screaming baby over the annoying teenagers. WORD to that. When you’re 15 months, it’s acceptable to scream, throw things and generally be a bother when your hungry or tired or just plain pissed off. At 15 years old, I want to rip you freakin’ head off and hand it to your parents.

    1. i’m so with both of you on that. it’s one thing when they’re young enough and you can say, ‘well, they just don’t know any better’ or ‘they’re kids, they’re brains aren’t fully formed’ and then it’s another thing when they’re 17 and just being a total a-hole. and there i want to go off on them too and do. i just have to pick my battles and figure out when it’s worth it because (and i know this is no newsflash) there’s a sea of a-holes out there. looooolll. nice to see a comment from you, 2 girls. much love, sm

  12. this weekend i had gone out of town to meet a friend..while coming back i was sitting in train getting super irritated with a kid who sang “Dad look at me” “Mom look at me” ….his parents were sitting on different seats and he was sitting away from them ..so he enjoyed screaming all through out the journey to capture their attention…
    i wanted to tell the parents to tell him its cute for a while but not for continuous 5 hours…
    i dont rem telling a kid to back-off except once when i was out on early morning walk with my dog and this kid was throwing stone at another dog…yep i think i made it clear to him that he has to stop..

    1. yeah, i’m with you… teasing or tormenting a dog gets a talking to from me, as well. it’s not okay. and quite frankly, i’m helping the kid – because when the dog has enough and bites its face off… well, i’m trying to stop that. though lord knows, sometimes the heart wants to see it through… loooool.

  13. Ah the kid that screams. I was told they do it because they don’t have the ability to express how they feel in words. Considering that they can speak fluently at 5, I don’t buy it.

    1. ‘considering they can speak fluently at 5, i don’t buy it…’ i loved that shanns, loved that. some of them can speak several languages by that age, but don’t stop them from screaming…oh, no…

    1. oh. christ. on. the. cross. well, i suppose it is the lesser of two evils? maybe? tho, the flashing would be quick and painless. the beeping lasts feckin’ foreeeeeevvvvveeeerrrrrrr!!!!

  14. Now there’s a great title for a blog post! :)
    I’ll skip the debate this time though, as my tolerance levels for the little a-holes is bordering on the fascist.
    I do have one kid, but I found out what caused it and stopped doing that.

  15. YOU ARE SO RIGHT ON! My favorite is to have the little screamers come running past me in a grocery aisle. I follow them back to their (usually) mother and say loudly enough for everyone to hear, something like, “Didn’t your parents ever teach you how to act well in public, or don’t they, either?” There are smiles from those around me and a blushing angry look from Mom. The kids don’t know what to say or do and usually stand there open-mouthed and silent, which is just fine. I’ve not had any experience with a dad…he might go off on me, I don’t know, but at least there would be a lot of witnesses;-)

  16. You are so coming over the next time the neighbor children screech Justin Bieber songs at full volume on the front lawn. No, it’s not cute you little a-holes. It’s bad enough when he sings them, but when you do it, I would like to run you all over with the riding mower.

    “scream back in your face with all the force of an alien attempting to implant itself in the belly of Sigorney Weaver” – GREATEST DESCRIPTION EVER!!!!

  17. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-men, Sweet Mother. I have four kids, all under six years old, and I don’t tolerate that shrieking thing from them, either. I’ve left more than one cart of groceries at the courtesy desk with a profound apology to the manager, because I HATE IT when other people’s kids do that, and I don’t tolerate it from mine, either. If you’re ever in Virginia and a member of my midget mob does that to you, feel free to unleash whatever primal scream rises in your throat. It would be a pleasure to have the backup.

    As far as the video games thing goes, I have NO IDEA what causes a person to think it’s a good idea to teach a child to be inattentive to the world around him or her. You’re out in public, for mercy’s sake, with, you know, real people. Teach the freakin’ kid to interact with actual human beings.

    Thanks for the soapbox :) Peace be with you! — Kelly

    1. I too, am in Virginia. My 2 kids (5 and 2) will be well-behaved or we go home. The little one has always been more fidgety than the older, so we adjusted accordingly. I don’t fly with her (I wouldn’t want to try to corral her in a small space with obvious aisle-for-running while keeping her from bothering others. Too exhausting. I’d rather take a 12-hour drive, and we do.) I did with my older one and got compliments from all the people around us every time.

      When we go out to eat, it’s either to family-friendly places, we get a sitter, or I bring enough paper and crayons to run a day-care. We also take the kids outside to walk a bit while waiting for food to arrive (and try to figure out what everyone wants before we get there). We’ve been known to order our whole meal, including deserts when the person comes to ask what drinks we’d like.

      No portable video games. Period.

  18. I have written about this more than once, other peoples children when not properly disciplined can be imps from the lowest tier of Hades. I fly a great deal, this is when they are at their worst. Parents for some reason think every other passenger should suffer in silence the antics of their accidents. This is my favorite story.

    I was taking my two teen sons to Cancun for what would be our last vacation before college, they were 16 and 18. Strapping and lovely young men, following the looks of the time with tongue piercings, shocks of colored hair and in one case first tattoos already visible.

    Needless to say, they were in Coach seats while I was in First Class. Also in First was a family with three young children, imps of the first order. Manner-less, screaming, seat kicking little horrors. It was an early morning flight out of Houston and we were delayed on the tarmac for well over 2 hours. The imps ran up and down the aisle screaming. I was exhausted having just come in from Jamaica the night before, done laundry and repacked for this trip. All I wanted to do was sleep, no such luck! Finally after an hour of these banshees and their bad behavior and politely asked the parents to get their children to settle down.

    No such luck.

    When one of these little imps kicked the back of my seat once to many times I turned around and told him I would tie his legs to the seat if he did it one more time. I explained my reasoning to his mother and the flight attendant. Finally it was time to take off, no go till these little hellions sat down; it took 15 minutes to get them in their seats! At one point the father told the attendant he thought I was a bit of a beeatch, but he also usually hated children in First when he traveled for business, he used his miles to put the family up there for their vacation (I hated him then)! The entire trip was horrible because of those monsters and their disengaged and drunken parents.

    Revenge is sweet though, a week later as I was sitting in my return seat who should get on the plane? That is right ma and pa ‘can’t get my kids under control’. Both looking far worse for wear might I add. Children acting badazzed as can be but this time getting on their nerves too. There were empty seats in First, I moved my teenage sons up (with my miles) and offered their services as babysitters for the flight!

    1. val! this was such an awesome comment. i read it late last night and truly, it made me smile. have you written about this incident somewhere because you must, if you haven’t. i can NOT believe the same folks were right next to you on the plane AGAIN on your way home. truly, a great read. maybe even better than the post. ;) much love, sm

  19. Fortunately, my kids are still young, so I mostly encounter young devil-spawn. Most kids under 8 will stop obnoxious behavior if I tell them to or imply it’s a rule (depending on age). The basic, “We don’t throw mulch in the playground,” kinda thing. For young kids (3ish), I might say, “Oops! I forgot to tell you this is a no yelling zone.” It confuses them (wait, who did something wrong?) and gives them the correct behavior simultaneously.

    I have a feeling things will be tougher once I’m dealing with older kids more regularly. I have had to correct a neighbor’s 9-year-old who tends to call me by my first name (around here it’s Ms. First-name for most people, so I told him it was Ms. Shannon until he can vote, or I’ll have to involve his mother.)

  20. The last time we were at the pediatrician with Wee Cee, there was some ridiculous adolescent in the waiting area sprawled out over three seats with her iPhone allowing her younger brothers and sisters – who she had presumably been put in charge of while mom was seeing the doc with a baby – carry on like banshees. If I had had the energy I would have said something, just to relieve my own stress. When mom returned, she handed the baby to the girl and said, “Your baby girl is just fine!”

    I guess this is a kind of non sequitur story, but I find it highly interesting and sad that this mother (to clarify, the grown up one) wouldn’t even trouble her own daughter to accompany her baby to its doctor’s appointment. Parents allow their kids to be out of control. It’s pretty effing obvious who runs the show in that family.

  21. I hardly had patience for my own motley crew, I do NOT have patience for other people’s brats. I have a look that I’ve been told is intimidating (without even trying), so when a whiny little bastard gets on my nerves, I give him a look that says “you are SO lucky that your mother is here or I’d slap you senseless!” and they slither over to their mothers without ever taking their beady little eyes off of me. :-P

  22. I will have to rent your secret ability. I am not “allowed” to reprimand children in any way. This is a direct result of the fact that…are you ready for this?…”you don’t get it, you don’t understand” because…wait for it…”you never had children”. I know it’s a crock but it works on me every time. :-(

  23. Oh yes, yes, yes! Please come to Australia and exercise your power down here! We have lots and lots of a-holes down here as well. I have been known to bellow on occasion, especially if I thought my daughter was in danger of some sort but I lack the cajones to exercise the power when it’s just my eardrums that are being assaulted.

    I honestly don’t understand why it is so impossible for parents to teach their kids not to be a-holes. It’s not rocket science and doesn’t involve any form of physical or mental abuse. It requires just 2 things. 1) The parent must believe that /they/ are the parent and therefore have the right to establish the rules and 2) they must be prepared to enforce those rules EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    Said enforcement can be hard at first because all kids will push the boundaries to see how far they will stretch. That’s the job of kids and they do it well. The job of parents however is to teach said kids that ‘no’ always means ‘no’ and not just when Mum or Dad are in a certain mood.

    ‘No’ must mean ‘no’ at home and in public and for those first formative years it may mean that Mum has to take junior home without finishing the shopping, or halfway through a party, of 5 minutes into that expensive movie she just bought tickets for. Any parent who threatens to take a kid home if they don’t behave and then doesn’t follow through because it’s not ‘convenient’ is teaching the kid that ‘no’ does not always mean ‘no’. That parent is also teaching their kid that tantrums have power… if they go on long enough.

    So being consistent does call for sacrifice in the beginning but kids aren’t stupid. Once they learn where the boundaries are and that there are unpleasant consequences to pushing those boundaries they quickly learn ot use other tactics to get at least some of the things that they want.

    Stopping your kid from becoming an a-hole has an unexpected bonus for parents as well – they can actually go through life LIKING their kids instead of just loving the little monsters. Monsters may be cute when they’re asleep but that’s about the only time they’re nice to be around.

    Phew…apologies all, years of public frustration just came out. Very cathartic post Mum!

  24. I totally agree! I don’t really like kids to begin with, so I have to quell the urge to curse at them on a daily basis. I always want to tell them to knock it off, but rarely do, due to a fear of confrontation that I’m just now getting over. Teenagers though, are another story. When they come into the store where I work they are rarely with parents who may unleash their wrath, so I don’t mind scaring the shit out of them if they are being assholes. Which they usually are.

  25. There is no greater joy than turning to my adult companion and saying, “that kid is an asshole” when the kid is an asshole. My only modification to this post would be to modify the age at which high-pitched screaming is banned to immediately post-toddler.

  26. I am guilty of reprimanding children, especially when other adults are absent. The kids are taking someone’s backpack, or throwing mud, I have an innate need to stop it. “What would your mother say?” was my usual My husband finds this to be a bad habit and made me stop. It’s easier to avoid the situation now that my child is grown.

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