kutchdemi

An Open Letter to Demi Moore

Yesterday I was sitting in a nail salon while Wifesy got her very first pedi, ever.  I was hanging out and googling things on my phone when a headline on one of those trashy nail salon mags caught my eye.  The title was something like, “Demi’s Downward Spiral.”  I know Demi Moore’s fall from the Queen of Cougar-dom to just another dumb slut trying to act younger than her age is old news, but I still read the whole thing like I was thirsty.  It made me want to have a Demi-intervention.  These letters comprise the bulk of what I would say to her.

Dear Demi,

I feel, as if, I have grown up with you.  Granted, you are more than a decade my senior, but a decade is not much between people, once we all reach adulthood.  I grew up watching you.  St. Elmo’s Fire, About Last Night, Ghost, Indecent Proposal, A Few Good Men, right up to GI Jane.  I related.  I think it all started with the height of your St. Elmo’s Fire hair.  We all had hair like that back then.  It was less styled and more sculpted into place with an aqua-net sheen and a final appearance that could rival the mane of any lion.  I understood that hair and your baggy, button down shirt coupled with light colored jeans.  So, I thought I understood you.

I knew you then.

I thought you would do what most actresses do when they are the highest paid actresses of the current moment.  You say to yourself, “This won’t last.  I have a good ten years here before someone else comes along who is prettier and maybe even more talented.  So, I’m going to enjoy it and then I’m going to take my oodles of money and put it into something awesome.”  You know, ike cray-cray Melanie Griffith’s mom did – the one that Hitchcock stalked – she took her money and tried to save the entire feckin’ animal kingdom in her own backyard.  You could’ve done something like that.  Money is the freedom to do something outlandishly awesome.  You can buy an airport or make a musical about youth-obsessed Hollywood or rescue a child from Africa or New Jersey.  I thought you were grounded like that.  I trusted you to do something reasonable with your dough like build a library made entirely out of Oreo cookies or reserve a flight to outer space with the Paypal guy like Brangelina.

But, no.  I now realize you used your ungodly influx of cash to try every stay-young-stay-fit-stay-feckable brand of snake oil poured your way.  You’re a workout-aholic and a raw foodist and a chemical peel, steam bath, pluck and prune, human topiary, enthusiast.  I almost missed it.  But, your cracks started to show somewhere circa Charlie’s Angels.

I remember that final scene of yours.  Those hot, young, worked out things – Drew, Cameron, and Lucy, were going to walk up to you, on the beach, in their string bikinis and flaunt their winning youth right in your face.  But, you wouldn’t have it.  So, you worked out so hard that you caused both airbrush and photoshop to rethink themselves.  You stood there on the beach jutting out your bony stick of a hip with your vag smashed out on the end of it like a warrior waving a spear, victoriously displaying that morning’s kill.  We all should’ve known something was wrong then.  But, we didn’t…or worse yet, we “couldn’t handle the truth.”

We let this little Ashton thing go on.  Even though every self-respecting woman knows that if you’re over 40, you feck the 20 year old, sure, but you never bring him home.  Home is for the man who has read something and lived a little and maybe even been broken once or twice.  Home is NOT for the man-boy who says he’ll pull out, but then hesitates because he doesn’t want to feck up his Star Wars sheets!

And no growing girl should have a peer-classmate-daddy like you forced upon your girls.  This fecks up years of feminism.  You can’t listen to a guy whose birthday was in the fall, while yours is in the winter.  All this does is confuse a growing vag.  She thinks to herself, “Jesus, I guess I have to listen to everything with a penis that looks good, even if he’s the stupid one who would’ve cheated off me in biology lab.”

That’s not the way to raise a girl.  Hell, that’s not even the way to raise a boyfriend.  A boyfriend should be raised along with you.  You feck up and then he fecks up.  This is the cycle of life.  But, if he wrecks the car and then you begin menopause, that’s not feckin’ up.  Goddamn it, Demi.  Menopause is not feckin’ up.  Ripping off your Kabbalah bracelet and threatening to trade someone’s crow’s feet for a twat so tight you need a Land Rover to overcome it, well, that’s just being a feckin’ jack-hole.  Menopause vs. tighter-pus is not a reasonable fight for a mature couple!!

You brought the Kutcher home when it should’ve been a fling.  What is wrong with you??!!

Next thing we all know, you’re doing whip-its with Rumer and Tallulah, while The Kutch gets it on with a 20 year old emo-girl at a movie junket in Brazil.

Sure, you can have fun over the age of 35.  I swear, you can.  But, you’re supposed to have fun flaunting your knowledge around and writing things of interest and producing passion pieces.  You’re supposed to show your girls that you can grow old gracefully and every now and again Diane Keaton gets Keanu Reeves, by turning DOWN playboy Jack Nicholson.  But, you see, Diane is a successful playwright and Keanu is a doctor with an old soul.

I can assure you Diane would NOT have landed the hot, SMART, Doctor-boy by doing whip-its while grinding Snoop Dog’s dirty thigh in a club that last made the news because Lindsay Lohan got blasted in the corner by the DJ booth!!!

She-sus Christ (like Jesus, but a lady)!!

Every time you go out with Rumor, get high at a 21 and over club, and then chase Zac Ephron around, Meryl Streep and I weep, while the vagina of Gloria Steinem steams like a bowl of fresh ramen!  It ain’t right!

What it is…is wrong.  Just wrong, what you’re doing to yourself and all of us, Demi.  Stop it.  Stay in.  Stay under the covers.  Read.  Re-group.  And then re-enter.  We’ll forgive you, but you’ve got to grow up.

Much love,

Mother

Okay, I realize the above letter might be too wordy for a woman eating nothing, but alfalfa sprouts, while she burns her AARP card and pretends to have a crush on Justin Beiber.  So, here’s the cliff notes version:

Demi,

Eat Carbs.  Lots of them.  Right now…because you’re creepy.

Let the grey show.

Date a man old enough to remember Watergate and just about to collect social security, while it’s still even available.

Put on some sweat pants and see the world.

If you do that, our lady gardens will forgive you.

It’s never too late.

Much love,

Sweet Mother

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If you’d like to read some more, I have a new and fun post over at ICN where I talk about the man who should raise my gayby, if for some reason, I can’t.  CLICK HERE FOR ICN PIECE.

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You might also like:

Newest:  Letter to my Gayby

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Photo creds:  demi-kutch-feature, 80sdemi

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44 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Demi Moore

  1. She’s a train wreck. What was that movie where she let us all know she had fake boobs? Striptease? She had no boobs in About Last Night and I have seen that movie hundreds of times, I know every word.

      1. You know she was good in uh that movie with Michael Douglas the John Grisham book, what the hell was that? Disclosure? The book was better but she was still good. And you site some great examples of women getting older and loving it. You know who else is my age and is rocking it? Diane Lane.

  2. Okay, first of all, YAY for Wifesy’s first pedi! Did she like it? Second of all, YES YES YES to everything you said to Demi. She needs to hear it. There’s a photo of her next to the words “Hot Mess” in the dictionary. She’s the epitome of the sad aging has-been. I never liked her, even back in the Brat Pack days. But now I just feel sad for her. Marrying Ashton Kutcher was the cry for help her family and friends should have heeded. And I think Jake Shears would be the most fabulous choice to raise your gayby.

    1. looooool. so glad you liked the gayby piece. wifesy was like, ‘the pedi was agonizing, but i love the results.’ she’s the only woman i’ve ever met who thinks a pedi is agonizing!!! the pedi counter guy and i were dying laughing because when wifesy was supposed to guy put her feet under the drying lights, she put them ABOVE them. omg, it was so funny. i kept saying, ‘sorry, baby’s first pedi!’ loooooolllll. xoxoxo

  3. Go back to Bruce, Demi. I know he plays a shitty-as-feck harmonica, but at least he appears to be three-dimensional. Ashton is like a sand-filled sock puppet of lame.

  4. I felt a bit sorry for Demi after that whole mess came out. So humiliating. I would hate for some of my mistakes to be broadcast all over the world BUT I guess when one’s a go-zillion $ movie star, you gotta expect it and why oh why would she marry such a little boy? Plus, her daughters, what kind of role model is that? It’s the same ole crap — women trying desperately to hang on to that youth (esp. in Hollywood) and no matter how much one diets, tucks, pulls, tightens, sucks out, pumps up and airbrushes, age is gonna happen. She does need to eat, that skinny-skinny thing does not look good. The elegant ladies you mentioned; Meryl, Diane Keaton and Gloria — now those are sexy “older” lades to admire.

    What Demi has done, well (kind of like the Sex in the City movies), it’s just kind of sad.

    GREAT POST, SM.

  5. Holy shit, not one but TWO great letters! I thought I liked your stuff before, but nothing like this.<3<3 The only other thing I can say is a very 67-year-old raised-Catholic thing: Neat! I've never had a pedicure, either, but I want one with those little doctor fishies swimming around biting off the dead skin and tickling your toes. One only lives so long…

  6. I miss the days of GI Jane and A Few Good Men and Ghost. Those were the days. It’s sad that Hollywood pressures older women to stay hot forever, that’s a lot to live up too.

  7. I agree 100 percent on this one! Can you do a similar post about older men and their young girl fetishes? Woody Allen should be just as ashamed of himself. Damn, I feel a double standard rant coming on….

    1. oh my lawd, you know i’m salivating at ‘an open letter to woody allen’ — ohhhh, so much to say. so much to say. loooool. anyway, thank you for the sublime suggestion. much love, sm

    1. thank you, mixtape. i sincerely appreciate that. i truly and truly do. it’s hard to keep this bizness going – as you know – when it’s hot out. oh, so hoooooot. much love, sm

  8. I’d like to say ‘Word Mum!’ but as I’m not completely certain I know what it means, and as I need to -cough- act my age -cough- I’m going to say ‘Well said Mum!’ instead. :D I guess Meryl Streep to Demi More is like talent to celebrity; one lasts the other doesn’t. Go Meryl!

  9. I like Demi as well and to be honest, when she first hooked up with Kutcher, I was like “way to go Demi!” but marrying him (or whatever they did to make it formal) was definitely a mistake. I have somewhat of a reputation of being a cougar, but I would never take a young guy like that home and put him in a paternal role with my children who are similar in age. I think the fact that she got such a hottie in the first place, screwed up her brain a little. I don’t think it’s just men who think with the wrong body part. ;-)

    1. “i don’t think it’s just men who think with the wrong body part” — ooooohhh, so well said, wendos, so well said. i’m currently trying to write with mine, but alas, she’s bad at holding a pen! bwwwaaaahhhhaaa. ;) sm

  10. Wonderfully done, as always. Poor Demi, living your life in the spotlight isn’t ever easy you know. I loved her in her very early days, I think she was on some soap opera, don’t remember which one though.

    Yeah for the first Pedi too, tell her she will grow to love them!

    Now to the truth, sometimes we do take them home and it works just fine even when the generational gap is wide. Don’t know why this is but it is.

    My favorite line to my husband when he whines about my driving?

    “I have had a license longer than you have been alive, shut up!”

    There is a 19 year difference in our ages, we have been together for 15 years and married for 13 this year. I have never figured out why it works between us, likely never will and maybe it won’t forever who knows.

    1. ok, vals, that’s all hilarious. and make no mistake about it, i DO think a big age gap can sometimes work, just not so much in hollyweird. ashton was too much the hot, young, thing of right now. all i could think was, ‘everyone’s going to be pulling on that man’s panties’ and sure enough they were. i think demi had her day when everyone was pulling on her panties, but she got too wrapped up in that idea and then tried to marry it. you know what i mean. but, i do think an age gap can work. my aunt and uncle are 20 yrs apart and happily married for like ever! lol. so, it can. just maybe not with mr. it man and mrs. it woman of the 80s…too many distractions! xo, sm

  11. Dear Mother,

    I’m disappointed in this post about Demi– it’s merciless. I’ve been a faithful reader, though I don’t comment often. And I know you’re a comedian and comedy is snarky by nature– but do you need to be THIS critical of another woman?

    Whatever her choices, have a little empathy. She may have oodles of money and elected to take on fame the Hollywood life– but that doesn’t mean she has the self-esteem to match it.

    1. amee, you are entitled to your opinion, but as this is my blog, i am entitled to write whatever i want. and just because i am a woman, that does not mean i can never criticize another woman. i would say the same is true for you, as you have just criticized me. you may not like everything i write on here. that’s just the way it goes. comedy is like that and i have never claimed to be warm and fuzzy. i stand by my criticism of her. quite frankly, if she doesn’t have the self esteem she should at 50+ then she has more than ample money to go out and get help. i feel bad for the women who don’t. i don’t feel that much empathy for youth-obsessed, insecure, hollywood. i just don’t. i love my readers and i love having you as one, but if this is not your cup of tea, you are welcome to unfollow. i don’t demand that you be here, but i DO demand that i write what i want, when i want. comedy is subjective. some people like aerosmith, others classical. that’s just the way it goes, my friend. much love, sweet mother

      1. That’s a strong, valid reply, Mother. Well said. You haven’t lost me yet! Usually I find you hilarious– this is really the only one that struck a sour note with me.

        Your brazenness is why you have such a huge following– and why you can withstand the world of comedy. I’m glad you stood by your post– I need to grow some ovaries like that!

        And you have some very valid points about her– I guess that personally, I just like Demi. Don’t ask me why, but I wouldn’t hesitate to write many of the same things about dear ol’ Madge, with her MDMA tour, freaky arms and permanently savage cleavage. Now SHE is nuts! At least Demi isn’t that bad. ;)

  12. Loved this, momma. I always respected Demi as an actress, maybe not the best, but one who just rolled with her abilities and mostly for her breakup with Bruce how they were amicable and there for each other.

    Her recent fall has been very disappointing.

    Much love.. GC

  13. Tom Cruise will be available soon. They both need high-profile romances to remain relevant because they can’t rely on talent. They’ve worked together before. They’re fitness buffs. They both have kids with weird names (though Scout is a phenomenal name, but she stole that from To Kill A Mockingbird). Demi’s already been married to two men who thought they could sing – and we’ve just discovered that Cruise apparently thinks he can too. I say they’re a perfect fit…and long as she wears flats.

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